Am I selfish taking a lover?

@grandtante65...no neither of our OHs would know about the possible affair. We are both married and his situation is pretty much the same as mine in that his wife has gone off sex. He is older than myself but feels he is missing an important part of his life.
We have discussed the possible situation having met for coffee a few times.
STIs have ran theough thought process as I don’t entirely know his history, so thank you.

You could ask your husband if he minded you taking a lover and stay married. All open and no guilt, then maybe find a single man

Are you sure that your husband hasn't got a secret lover? Many women whose husbands have 'gone off sex' find that the reason is that they are playing away from home.

How would you feel about it, if you found it to be true?

Maybe hubby should just read all this ?!

If you proposition your husband dressed in a revealing sexy outfit - what would he do/say?
Do you kiss goodnight? Or during the day? Hug and kiss goodbye upon leaving each other for work etc?
If not why not? Has your relationship always been like this?
Personally, I think counselling and a GP check-up and chat might be a good idea. Why throw away the life you've led for a quickie in the backseat of a car or a seedy hotel? You couldn't well go to each it gets houses.
We all need human touch and love-affection. If this has declined then this needs to be addressed. If he's never been affectionate then that's him/his personality and you've lived with it so far. There's more to a relationship and marriage than sex.
It sounds like the other man is dangling a carrot and until now you've not been tempted. If his offer wasn't there would you be seeking sex from another source actively?

I couldn't live a lie, which you would be if cheating. Would your husband want you to find sex elsewhere? How would you feel if he cheated? You could lose the life you now have, and your family, plus your own self-respect. You don't know how you would feel after the fact. You could feel wretched about yourself. Can you live with that?

Is it selfish? - Yes
Is it dishonest? - Yes
Is it dishonourable? - Yes
Is it irresponsible? - Yes

Talk to your OH and if he is happy with you taking a lover, then go ahead - but NOT a married man.

The relationships in your family do seem a bit distorted with your attitude to DD and OH. That would seem to be sufficient complication without adding further to it.

I am not getting my oats and have not done for a long time because my OH has PD. I could easily take a lover - I have had hints from suitable parties - but would I do this to him? Absolutely not. As they say - It is not all about ME.

My question is, how will you know that your the intended sex/ making you feel special/ and loved provider, is going to be as unfaithful to you as he is to his wife. Of course if you are getting what your husband you claim is not providing then infidelity will no doubt be the last thing on your mind.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’d like to say that I agree with the fourth person who answered you, NanaandGrampy. You might feel special and loved for a time. But you’re looking at hurt down the road, for you, your husband and your lover’s wife. Don’t go there!

i was in a relationship with a man who had no interest in sex, at first i thought wed get through it but after 2 years of nothing not even a hug, i decided to call it a day. you have to search what you want, we only get one shot at it, sadly

You and your husband have obviously discussed your differing sexual needs many times in the course of your marriage and unless there is a typo in your original post the suggestion that you could take a lover came from him.

If I am right that your husband would be agreeable to your having a lover, that it one very big hurdle cleared in advance.

Whether you would be better off with a single man as a lover, or with a married man in the same position as yourself, I cannot pretend to say.

Obviously, if your lover is single, there isn't a risk of hurting his wife, but there is a greater risk that he might either end the relationship to you when he realises that you are not going to leave your husband for him, or that his availability might actually lead to you wanting a divorce.

A married lover with a wife who either no longer wants or is able to have sex would better understand your background.

As long as she too is able to accept that her husband has a relationship to another woman you may well be able to have a meaningful relationship to each other without destroying either marriage, or needing to feel guilty.

Whether it is a good idea in your situation or not is really something only you can decide.

To my mind a relationship of this kind shouldn't be kept hidden from your husband or the other man's wife.

And no, I do not think you would be selfish to take a lover, the alternatives are either that you remain frustrated or that you divorce a husband who you are fond of.

But please do be careful and remember the risk of sexually transmitted disease.

How does the OPs know she is the only one on "the lovers" radar he has surely done this before and may still be doing it with other women ?
The OPs seems to have stopped answering posts after being vocal at the start of the topic.

taking a lover is not good.. have you tried taking the first move. have you asked him why? maybe a trip to the doctors? see if there is any underlying thats bothering him..

I have just read the thread where you say that your husband and your daughter get on so well that you feel an outsider. Just take a moment to imagine how she will react should you cheat on her father (who you say is your best friend!)

Stop fantasising, GrannyOrNanny and get back to improving the reality of your life.

No, I don’t think it’s selfish. There are risks of course, but I’m sure you’re aware of that.

You'd do better to suggest to your husband that he visit his GP and ask for a prescription for Viagra. You could then discuss how often he should use it, and when, and establish a better love life of your own for the pair of you. Reach a compromise between him wanting too little for you, and you wanting too much for him..

Tell your friend in the wings that now you have your leading man back, you don't need the understudy, so he can concentrate on his own marriage. No point four people being unhappy!

Excellent response Doodledog ?

Yes you are selfish. Talk to your lovely husband about seeing a counsellor. So many people's lives will be devastated just because of your actions. You need love, hugs and cuddles oh and shags. Well poor you.

The original post said
"am I selfish if I take a lover or should I stay away from his proposition"
That sounds as if the idea came from either your husband or the prospective lover? I thought it was husband? In that case he would be ok but I suppose the other wife might not be.

It might make you focus emotionally on the other man and make your marriage suffer in that way. Some men manage it quite well. I think some women do too. If your husband knows and is ok about it you might. Will the lover be frank with his wife?

Many years ago a work colleague was in a similar situation to what you describe and she began an affair.
From what I know, at first, all was well (if it can be described as such) but then someone found out...I think they were seen and utter chaos and devastation ensued within BOTH families.
Only you know if you are willing to deal with the possibility and fall - out of that.

Have u suggested to your husband that you would consider taking on a sex partner, maybe that might give him a kick , some people are happy for thst to happen if that is what is needed .

Have you considered that your partner maybe asexual? Men who are asexual tend to hide it. Whether or not he is, I would tell him how you are feeling and if you plan to have sex with someone else, talk to him about it. Even if he has been less than honest with you, I would be honest with him.

Personally, I wouldn’t have sex with someone who was with someone else but I guess that is his issue.

Quite honestly if you're unsure don't. Affairs can cause such unhappiness although on a lighter note I bet there are many women who wish they had a lover 'waiting in the wings'! but not a married one.

Oh GrannyorNanny - you might end up with more than you can bargain for if you take up with someone else that is also married!
You say that it really won't worry you if you do decide to take up this man's offer, but what about his wife?
You talk about sex as if it is the be all and end all in a relationship - but what about companionship, caring, shared history and interests that also contribute to a relationship?
Are you also ready to take up the flack if you do start having sex with this other man and it goes wrong? Four people and two families will possibly be devastated for just, what often comes down to a few minutes of pleasure.
Suggest you use web sites such as Ann Summers or LoveHoney before you take this step !

Some people can live with their “best friend” or like a brother/sister relationship, but that’s only if you both feel the same. Sex/intimacy is clearly very important to you, we only live once and no one should have to live a lie. Having an affair with a married man is not a good idea ! However, some very direct conversations need to be had with your DH, even telling him what you have been contemplating, that’s how serious you are about not wanting to live a sexless life. Affairs may appear fun, however, how many stay that way before one of you starts to want more ?

Just get divorced for goodness sake! You are being selfish and it will not end well.