Am I selfish taking a lover?

I would also bear in mind that men and women think quite differently about these matters. I doubt the word love has crossed the mind of this other man. He will have one thing on his mind, I have no doubt about that. He might feed you a load of rubbish because men know what to say but I doubt it’s true. Most men do not leave their wife. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if your husband was contemplating an affair with someone? It’s not very nice really. I couldn’t be bothered either. True love and companionship are more important to me that the excitement of a bit of sex.

I don’t think you will be loved necessarily by this other man but you will be getting attention and excitement. It’s a big risk. Not to be rude but no one is getting any younger. Your husband may end it with you and then where would you be? It’s doubtful that the other man would leave his wife for you then you face old age on your own potentially. I’m sure these things start off sounding like a good idea and a convenient way to get a bit of excitement in your life but the chances are it will end in tears and those tears will be yours. Is it really all worth it? That besides the moral part of this. It’s up to you but I think you may live to regret going ahead with this affair.

It is possible that your husband and the other wife may feel pain (or maybe they wouldnt - who knows, only them!) but if you end your marriage, which may leave you in difficulties financially, then again your husband may feel pain on being left.

Only you can decide what to do but believe me, having been in a similar position, I understand how you are feeling. I also know the fall-out is HUGE. Not just your husband, his wife but your children and other people will also get involved and possibly hurt. You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. So only you can decide if its worth the risk.

My mum always used to say to me - if in doubt - don't! Remember actions can never be undone. Does your husband know you're considering this route? Does he mind/care?

I also have to say that I think you're being incredibly selfish in considering an affair with a married man. Have you considered his wife and family at all and the hurt and pain you might unleash on them if they find out?

If you do decide to go down the route of having extra marital sex to satisfy your physical desires, then I would urge you to choose a partner without commitments.

I don’t think taking a lover is selfish but doing it in a sneaky deceitful way and denying your husband the truth, is. Living with the consequences of our actions is how we grow up. If you’re not happy in your marriage leave it or sort it. Maybe ask your husband if he is lonely , wants a cuddle, or some kindness. I wouldn’t touch this married man with a barge pole what is there to respect ? His integrity? If you are craving love , start by loving yourself , and that means by being honest, truthful, and courageous, not telling lies and sneaking around trying not to be caught. No one who does that likes them self much IMHO. Im not talking about something I didn’t experience. I faced this exact dilemma in my first marriage, I left, divorced, and it was a huge struggle , but I met my second husband knowing exactly what I needed in terms of love and affection and feeling my honesty and courage.

It seems a drastic step to end a marriage if lack of sex is the only problem. A friend of mine told her husband to find a lover as long as he was discreet.However his children found out and were not pleased so if you go ahead tell no one especially your husband then he won't be hurt.

(off topic) I don't know how you remember what everyone has said BlueBelle....is there a place you can look back on what someone has said or have you just got a good memory? Also is this the same person who was asking about taking a lover a few weeks ago?

My mother’s second husband had zero interest in sex. They didn’t consummate their marriage for six weeks.She thought he just didn’t fancy her. He even had an affair with another woman. Years after her divorce she was out in town with a friend and got talking to some of their old crowd. Apparently everyone except her knew that he was gay! So, maybe it’s a possibility? I think you need him to be honest with you.

But the poster has said her husband is her best friend on another thread why is no one picking up on that
How can you consider stabbing your best friend in the back
Please explain

I think you need to list the plus and minus points. A good marriage is more than sex, I know, I have been there. Friendship, trust and comfort in one another is worth far more. 45 years married, I could never have found anyone else to live with. Not perfect but nor am i. Take what you have, treasure it.

Are you in a completely loveless marriage??
If the answer is yes then why stay married? An affair won't change that. It will build resentment imo. You plan on getting affection from a married man then going home to a man who doesn't show you any love?
That's without taking into account this lovers wife and family.

My opinion would be, if you are unable to work your marriage problems out by talking to your husband then separate, get a divorce. Then you'll be free to find affection from someone who can commit to you in a meaningful way without anyone else getting hurt.

A loveless marriage sounds horrible. Good luck OP ?

So here we have two people who will be cheating on their spouses. You can't wrap it up in pretty words about wanting love and caring... If you do not like your situation then get out of it...simple

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Amongst all the other things that people have said, it must have caused you, yourself a considerable amount of emotional pain.

Having said that, I would go with the point that one poster made, that taking a step away from your marriage without being honest and truthful about it, would cause others a great deal of pain too. And I think in the long run you would regret that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Hope very much you find a way to work out your situation without causing others that pain, and ultimately yourself.

painting

If you take a lover someone is going to get hurt . If your husband is in agreement that's a different matter . If his not and finds out , you won't be able to go back to what the relationship was before . That's is if he still want to be with you . Sex isn't everything , think about it before you jump in with both feet . Think about what you could loose .

YES is my immediate answer - How would you feel if your husband - who is a good man - took a lover himself?

Don't take for granted what you have and literally throw it away in playground of deceit. You are contemplating this otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

What about everyone who is involved? For a couple of minutes of mating too many people could get hurt and most of all your hurt yourself! Unless you are very cold and selfish and can deal with the guilt.

HAVE YOU tried talking to your hard working husband or tried to ignite the flame yourself? He may feeling exactly the same as you and accept this is our your marriage will be.

Good luck with the direction you choose.

Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if it was your husband contemplating an affair? Whatever you do remember that the start of every long term relationship has the “honeymoon” period after which life settles down to boring normality. You say you have discussed with your husband. Has he considered seeing his GP about it or do you think he is happy as he is. Maybe tell him that you are concerned you could “stray” because of the situation. What about counselling? I haven’t had a physical relationship with my husband for nearly 20 years but it stopped because of essential medication messing with his libido. I feel “the need” from time to time, it’s only natural. All I will say is don’t do anything without really looking at the potential consequences. Good luck.

Think of the consequences to you, your husband and your family if you were found out. It would destroy all trust and be seen as a betrayal no matter what the reason.

GrannyorNanny - I would look at it this way - is there anything your OH wants from your marriage that he's not getting? If so re-open your discussion and bring the two 'lacking' elements to the table. If you can supply his need (it seems you are already doing it, accommodating his need for no sex/romance) then he needs to supply yours. Try telling him that you want physical excitement and ask him candidly how he would feel if you stepped outside your marriage to get this - would he feel betrayed in the marriage, does he expect fidelity from you? The answers to these questions will also be guidelines for him - if he answers yes to either one, then he must deliver the goods and if he's old and incapable, he can still be romantic and you don't have to have all the romping around of sexual intercourse to experience sexual satisfaction, so he can become exciting to you again with relatively little effort. If he can't do that then he has moved to the position of seeing you as a sister as you say, a companion, and he has no right to prevent you from entering into a relationship where you are treated as something else.

There have been a lot of very polite and ‘non judgey’ responses but, honestly, what really needs to be said is.....

Yes, it’s selfish. Yes, it’s a terrible thing to do to your husband and the other man’s poor wife. Yes, it would make you a horrible person and no you shouldn’t destroy other people’s lives to satisfy your own needs.

crazygrandma the poster has already said the proposed lover is a married man
I would like GrannyOrNanny to tell me why in other threads she talks about her husband in glowing terms and calls him her best friend ?
Is this a thread to shock ?

Having a lover might solve your sex drive but so would a vibrator. The trouble is that sex is an appetite that increases with use, you may start to ‘fall in love’ and want to meet more often and become less discreet about it. . It is unlikely that you would be able to continue to act normally at home.

You say you also want kisses and cuddles. Does your husband show affection to your children, grandchildren or a pet if you have one? If not he might need help with releasing his emotions -would he go for counselling with you? Did his parents kiss and cuddle or were they like him?

Are you sure he is not also a person ‘ waiting in the wings’ or no longer waiting, for someone else?

I don’t think you will get away with an affair, unless it is a cold, unemotional sex only thing which women are not usually very good at managing. You will have to decide what is most important to you. Believe it or not, throwing yourself into some other interest, especially one that is physically demanding, can help yo keep your mind off it. It is hard when couples are mismatched in this way. I assume you have tried weekends away and viagra, and have ruled out physical and mental causes?
Perhaps you should just tell your husband of your dilemma and ask if he’d mind if you have an affair - it might shake hum out of his complacency.

Doodledog says it all really. The only thing I'd add is that if you're going to keep your integrity then you must at least tell your husband that you're thinking of having a lover (your decision may then be determined by his reaction) and you need to be clear with the lover that is for sexual satisfaction only with no emotional attachments, assuming that's the case from your point of view. Keep us informed

My husband cheated on me and I can only think of the pain it caused. I married him for what I thought was life but unfortunately it didn't mean the same to him!please think carefully about taking a lover. You may not be getting the sex you want within your marriage but think about what you will lose!

If you do take a lover then please make sure they are not themselves in a relationship!

It sounds to me as if you have already made your mind up but want reassuring from us that you are making the right decision. I can’t give you that reassurance. Personally, I think it’s a recipe for disaster. You don’t seem to have given a second thought to the wife of the chap who is ‘waiting in the wings’. Obviously, you will do what you want but be prepared for an unhappy ending.