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Christmas Lunch

(102 Posts)
seasider Sun 17-Nov-19 10:12:41

Sorry if this is a bit long! Stepson came to live with us when he was 18. About 3 years later his girlfriend came for one night and never went home . They paid us £200 a month which included everything. After 2 years, due to rising costs, we asked them for an extra £40 a month so they moved into a flat.
They soon realised they could not save while renting so we said they could come back for a year and pay just £100 a month so they could save a deposit. They did well and now have their own home.
Over the years either myself or my adult daughter hosted Christmas Day and they both came. We even had his girlfriend's parents one year. Getting their own home coincided with stepson' s mother deciding she wanted them to go to her house for Christmas.
This year is the first Christmas Day they will be at home and they told us they have invited her parents and some friends of theirs. These friends might decline but they can't invite us until they know! Am I unreasonable in feeling a bit miffed??

Jaycee5 Mon 18-Nov-19 10:31:52

It is a thoughtless but people don't usually mean to be. I wouldn't agree to be a backstop in case someone else doesn't turn up unless you really want the chance to be there.
I would let this one go but if it happens too often I would say something.
It is unfortunate but it can be a bit uncomfortable to feel that you should be grateful or are beholden to people even if you have never expected that.
Move on to your own plans and look forward to whatever you do decide to do.

MarieEliza Mon 18-Nov-19 10:32:31

No I would be offended too. You have helped them so much, maybe they just don’t appreciate what you have done, but I suggest you plan ahead and invite two close friends for the big day, open a good bottle of wine and relax in good company. There’s always next year.

jaylucy Mon 18-Nov-19 10:36:01

I'd only feel "miffed" if I thought that by providing support for your stepson and girlfriend, that meant you were entitled to pay back!
You have done your parenting bit for them both, they are both adults so can choose who they would like to have over Christmas.
I can fully understand why they have invited the GF's mum: while staying with you, she would have been unable really to have her round in what was someone else's house really, however welcoming you were.
Make plans for yourself and OH - just think, you can get up when you want, eat what you want and watch what you want on tv as well as fall asleep on the sofa !

Hattiehelga Mon 18-Nov-19 10:46:33

For six years because they have the space, my DD and SIL hosted sixteen of us. We all contributed but it was hard work for them and they didn't have a proper Christmas morning with their children. Last year we insisted they had a break and we all went for a really lovely lunch on Christmas Eve - Christmas Menu but half the price of Christmas Day ! We had a great time and on Christmas Day we all did our own thing. We two went to daughter, Son had in law's, SIL's family were together as they live out of town so nobody alone. It worked so well that we are doing it again this year.

Rufus2 Mon 18-Nov-19 10:48:38

I misread the thread title thinking I was about to be invited and was working on my " Thanks, but No Thanks" excuse as I fully intend to spend the Day, by choice, in quiet contemplative solitude, with suitable comforts, of course. grin

jenni123 Mon 18-Nov-19 10:55:00

I am 77 and this will be the 1st Christmas that I will spend alone. My children have other things planned and I said not to change their plans because of me. I will be fine, I have a meal delivered every day, including Xmas day, I have my computer and my TV.

Jaycee5 Mon 18-Nov-19 11:00:52

jennil23 I will be on my own but am quite happy to be so. I will ring my mother (although I do that quite often anyway), eat something nice, watch my own choice of rubbish on tv etc. I won a clean from a cleaning service so that is being done on Wednesday so hopefully I will be able to keep the flat reasonable clean for Christmas Day. I feel quite calm and at peace about it this year.

Tigertooth Mon 18-Nov-19 11:03:52

Just say thanks but no thanks - we’ll make plans now.

palliser65 Mon 18-Nov-19 11:14:58

Yes you are. That is so inconsiderate and taking you a bit for granted. Unfortunately you'll just have to grin and bear it. I hope you are asked for Boxing Day. Sending you hugs. Families eh? xx

JS06 Mon 18-Nov-19 11:17:02

What an ungracious couple! You are not unreasonable to be nonplussed at this. You've continued to put the family first and are treated like 'add ons'. The stepson and his girlfriend have been fortunate to have your support.

I wouldn't put up with this, I'd be very happy not to be invited. I'd make alternative arrangements and enjoy myself. I would also explain myself very clearly so there was no doubt as to my reasoning.

Happy Christmas when you get there. x

Apricity Mon 18-Nov-19 11:19:49

Christmas lunches/dinners are like life, nothing ever stays the same. People join a family, people leave a family, people move away, sometimes far away, people die, people fall out, people separate and divorce, people repartner, children and grandchildren are born and eventually grow up and make their own lives. New generations need the time and space to create their own traditions and not necessarily echo previous generations.

No Christmas celebration will ever be the same as the last one and it is unrealistic to expect this. Instead of feeling sad and depressed that things may be different this year from what you hoped try to see it as opportunity to do things differently. Challenge yourself, think outside the square and and give yourself credit for being a creative and resilient person.

Afeica1 Mon 18-Nov-19 11:22:22

Hi Witchypoo, would you mind me asking what part of the country you are in?

Riggie Mon 18-Nov-19 11:24:37

I would be totally miffed as well - and I think that is putting it mildly!!

Not miffed because if not seeing them, I accept that happens as our kids grow up, but to be told that Im not invited unless someone else says no is awful. I think I would be busy....

123kitty Mon 18-Nov-19 12:00:19

I hope, when we were young with our own children, we were all thoughtful, kind and understanding with our parents and in laws at xmas time, (I'm sure I often wasnt). If you want to see your family at xmas (but will only be invited if other guests turn down their invite) jump at the opportunity - don't say 'no' to spite them, guess who will lose out.

BusterTank Mon 18-Nov-19 12:00:30

It's funny how people have short memories . After all you have done for them , you would of thought they would have a bit more respect . Perhaps they need to be told a few home truths .

Jue1 Mon 18-Nov-19 12:06:43

I’m afraid Christmas can be a stressful time in families but I think you already know that this stepson is a little selfish. Once you have wised up to that you can hopefully stop being let down or sad and just put it down to his character.
Added to that, I’m sorry to say but guys just don’t seem to think and behave as we do, it’s a generalisation I know but it doesn’t make it untrue.
Plan your Christmas how you want it and enjoy yourselves. 🥳

Purplepoppies Mon 18-Nov-19 12:09:46

I spent last Christmas day and Boxing day alone. It was really miserable if I'm honest. I didn't see my daughter or dgc. This was my choice. Her partner is an awful human being, I could not be a hypocrite just for the sake of a day.
This year I'm travelling to stay with my brother and see my mum. I will do a Christmas before I go for my girls (that will not include him) .
If I was in the position of being on stand by I would make alternative arrangements and be unavailable if the first offer became available..... quite a rude way to treat family really .

Thomas67 Mon 18-Nov-19 12:20:37

Of course you feel miffed but never let it show. They are being selfish by not asking you what you had planned before they announced that you might not be invited, My mantra is always that I expect to see my son over the Christmas period but it does not have to be Christmas Day, My son has a new baby so wants to stay at home, I’ve been invited for Christmas cake and a cup of tea on Boxing Day. I’m quite happy . However if I find that they have gone to her parents for a day long visit I will be really putout. But I won’t say anything, I will just have a secret laugh as my son moans that he wishes her family were more like me. Charm is key,

Ohmother Mon 18-Nov-19 12:32:52

I feel like a watch of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ coming on!

EMMF1948 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:12:11

Don't respond. Hopefully their 'friends' will decline and you can have the satisfaction of saying 'Oh no, we've made other plans'!

Hetty58 Mon 18-Nov-19 14:10:34

Why do people expect 'payback' for past favours? OK, so they had cheap lodgings while saving for a home. That doesn't automatically mean that you've earned the right to be top of their Christmas guest list.

Things should be given freely (or not at all) without expecting something in return!

Hetty58 Mon 18-Nov-19 14:17:50

And I say that because there's someone in my family who, I think, has carefully counted every single favour she's done and gift she's given. She now has a superior, entitled attitude - as if she owns me and I owe her. She is mistaken!

Sandigold Mon 18-Nov-19 14:22:50

I do understand... Christmas is a stressful time of juggling if you aren't careful!

You could be perfectly pleasant... (no need to fall out) and just make plans of your own. Depending on them is going to keep you on tenterhooks. And plan some alternative with them.

Nannan2 Mon 18-Nov-19 14:25:33

No im with you seasider,id feel bloody miffed as well! How much did her parents bother to do for them when you were there to take them in(twice) at 'cut rates', where were the 'friends' whom you are taking 2nd place to? Couldnt they have asked you as well as them?

sharon103 Mon 18-Nov-19 14:27:04

I agree with EMMF1948 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:12:11

I wouldn't play second fiddle to anyone. Make your own plans. smile