Hurt

Annili this is meant to be kindly said but you are being unreasonable and actually dare I say it a bit greedy why should you have every Christmas with them and why can’t you live without your grandson for a week You are really sounding loving and kind but over the top with your adoration Give them a break... thankfully your son has listened to his wife and made a decision to cut the ties next Christmas Be happy for them and I m sure they ll be back to you the year after and lots and lots of times in between
Big thumbs up to the fact you are open to looking at this from a different angle even if it goes against your original thoughts
Please don’t overdo the adoration, not good for anyone and certainly not for the little one to be so central
Love is about letting go too

Annali you’ve obviously taken on board the different opinions on here and I do hope it’s helped you get a little perspective and feel less unhappy about your son’s plans for next year. (It’s only recently I’ve discovered that people have to book Xmas trips a year in advance if they’re to get the holiday they want!) The timing could have been different but tbh, unwelcome news is always going to be unwelcome. At least you’ve a year in which to make some fun plans for yourself.

Annali, as you admit, you don't like your DIL. Therefore, when they let you know their plans, you took it as a snub, a rejection.

I think that you were very lucky to spend a whole week with them. You can't possibly expect to do that every year. Of course, they'll want family time alone next year - but you have plenty of days to meet up or invite them in the year to come!

what a lovely chance for OP and her husband to get away for a nice holiday, guilt free, over christmas. Your own marriage should also be cherished and I say that as a widow

A week was 5 days too long btw.

If you want to have a relationship with your GS, you need to have one with his Mum, and not just dismiss her as someone not to like.

And not jump to the conclusion that there is a snub intended when it is, in fact, a perfectly reasonable choice by your DS and his wife.

I'd hate the idea of anyone staying with me for a week. I'd be mentally and physically exhausted at the end of it no matter how well we got on. Your DIL and son probably felt like that and have decided to change their plans in future.

You and your husband should also book a nice holiday for next Christmas and it will be something nice to look forward to.

It's not only your DIL's decision to go away next Christmas, it's your son's too.

I feel the DIL was rude to ensure we knew her plans and firm dates for next year, just in case we were in any doubt!

Sorry to say but that sentance speaks volumes, it is their plans not hers. Please try not to blame DIL for anything you are not happy with,it puts your son in an awkward position and he will always side with his wife.

There is never a good time to talk about plans for Christmas, unless you are Christian you can have a fun time at any time of the year!

I am glad you are open to a new perspective.

You may not think you were overbearing and smothering, but for actions may have accross like that.

Very many good words of advice here which you have taken on board. It must have seemed like a body blow, given the timing, but there is another point of view.
As a DIL my MIL stayed virtually every Christmas- nine days one year, which was far too long.
What you thought of as helping to give them a break felt like you were taking over their home, their child.
I imagine you will be seeing them at some other time during the year? Do they ever stay with you? Do you meet on neutral territory? At least you can make sure you plan something different for next Christmas, given a year’s notice,
BTW I have never spent Christmas Day with my son and his family.

Totally agree with lucky girl and naty, I also think staying over a week is a long time. Your DIL has probably sensed you do not like her. And maybe felt that is was a long time to all be together, it doesn’t sound like she was that happy as you say she was moody, your son n DIL obviously discussed the time you all spent together and decided to do something different, and that’s their choice. I think your DIL is trying though as she said that she is lucky to have you n her FIL in her life. That’s a lovely thing to say, you probably are besotted with your grandchild we all love our grandchildren and don’t take what I’m saying as being spiteful but if we spend a whole week with in-laws for Christmas holiday, we would find it too long, esp if we had a grandparent that was besotted. For you to say it feels so cruel and a snub comes across as you want to control them,

If your DIL had a difficult childhood she probably has developed a strong sense of others feelings towards her as a defence mechanism. Possibly she stayed in bed to keep out of your way? If she senses your dislike then she probably doesn’t feel happy about you cleaning her home. I know I wouldn’t.

The timing may seem a bit off but she probably wanted to clear the air and not let things drift. Your son obviously loves her enough to put her well being first which is what he should do! You’ve brought up a kind and loving son so should be proud of him.

Some very good suggestions here about not overstaying on a visit. Travel lodge etc often have special offers so you could suggest staying elsewhere or, if you are asked again at another time of year, say that you can only stay for 4/5 days.

Just reread your first post and it seems odd that you felt your DIL was moody throughout your visit yet you left on a high. Did you have preconceived ideas of how a DIL should be and I wonder where your DD figures in all this?

If you can take next Christmas in your stride and not get too upset there is a very good chance that they will ocme back to you the year after.

If the Dil did have family then you might have to be content with alternate years anyway.
You cannot change how Dil feels but over time she may come around and get over her insecure jealousy and just love you as you sound a very kind and giving Mil.

We only have one child, a daughter. I always thought we were close but have had a bit of a rude awakening over the years. She is married and we have our gorgeous 19 year old granddaughter who we see a lot of. Our DD has never shown the slightest interest in spending Christmas with us. I found it hurtful at first and felt sad when I heard other people's plans to spend Christmas with their children but I have to accept that they want to do their own thing. They come to us on Boxing night along with other family members, which is always nice.

I went to DD and family - arrived Christmas Eve in the evening, stayed till just after lunch on Boxing Day - she wanted me to stay longer, but I said no - they need time together as a family with the busy lives they lead.

Beg pardon - it was a text, not a call - but all the same applies.

Personally I would think that spending a whole week with them was too long, and was at least part of the reason for their deciding to do it differently next year.

Especially if, as you say, you don’t really like your DiL - as pps have said, she may well sense it, no matter how careful and sensitive you try to be.

I’m sure you know the saying about fish and guests stinking after 4 days! Maybe your DiL was dying to have her house to herself again, as many of us do after a few days of guests, no matter how much we like or love them.

If at all possible, another time could you stay in an inexpensive hotel e.g. Premier Inn, nearby? It would cut down any stress your DiL might be feeling at having you there 24 hours a day.
My sister and BiL nearly always do this anyway, when visiting their son and DiL - not because of any difficulties, but because they enjoy a quiet retreat at both ends of the day!

The timing was a bit off and I think that’s what made you feel raw*Annali*. Your son and his wife just want to make some of their ‘own’ Christmas memories. I’d have said ‘ooh how lovely!’ in reply to the text. It takes the pressure off them both and they would have been grateful (and relieved).

Btw we are our 2 grandchildren’s only grandparents and our daughter and son in law also do childcare alone (£800 per month for childcare fees) so I do know where you’re coming from on this. Take your foot off the pedal a bit and like that song in ‘Frozen’ - let it go!

Did your son really phone up to say you "wouldn’t see my grandchild at all" next Christmas. Hello Mum, you won't see your GC at all next Christmas.

I doubt that - he rang to say that he and his family have made some lovely plans for next year. I think he was right to do it straight after Christmas to prevent you building up hopes that Christmas would always follow the same pattern as this year. You know where you are now and can make plans.

If you do not like your DIL, then it is not surprising that she finds it hard to spend time with you, especially as here are so few magic Christmases when childen are little - she wants to enjoy these without spending them with someone who does not like her - makes a lot of sense if you think about it!

And, maybe you could stop assuming that a phone call is DIL-generated when your son rings up and says something that does not meet with your approval. They are a couple - you do not know who initiated the idea of Christmas away next year. Presumably it was a joint decision and it made sense for him to phone as he is your son.

You have an important task ahead of you: to find things to like about your DIL and concentrate on these things. As long as you do not like her, relationships will be strained and you will place negative interpretations on their actions that may be wholly unjustified.

If you want to have a relationship with your GS, you need to have one with his Mum, and not just dismiss her as someone not to like.

This Christmas day was the first I've ever spent with my two GSs who are 7 and 10 for various reasons including geography. Although we have occasionally seen them Boxing day.
It was lovely to see them open presents etc. but although I've always been sad to miss Christmas day with them, I don't feel snubbed.
We raise our children to make decisions for themselves and if that means wanting to spend time as a close family unit, then so be it.

While you had a good time, it does seem that your Dil and son didn't share your experiences. They are doing something different next year which is their decision to make. It's probably for the best all around, they have told you early so that you have time to adjust and before you start making plans. I can see this feels like a real let down but don't take it to heart. There will be other opportunities to build a relationship. However do take a step back and let them parent while you are there.

Can't you just be happy for your family? There is no law to say that we have to spend every Christmas break with a certain set of people.

Your DIL is no doubt imagining the next 20 years of having to spend Christmas in her own home, doing all the preparation and work etc. It is absolutely right that they get to choose how they spend the holiday.

You are able to see your GD fairly often I presume. Why take offence at your son and DIL wanting some family time together?

Nothing really to add, don’t be sad, be happy for them. I feel for your daughter in law, I certainly wouldn’t want my in-laws for a week.

As someone said previously, she probably put her foot down and said she wasn’t going through that again.

On the plus side, now she knows she’s not going to have to deal with you for a whole week at Christmas, she’ll feel more kindly toward you, and you may see more of them throughout the year.

I think they have told you straightaway after this Christmas so you have plenty of time to get used to the idea, and ‘striking while the iron is hot’ comes to mind.
We see so many threads here on Gransnet about upsets over Christmas plans. Also makes you realise how many people spend years doing what they don’t really want to. I think you should be gracious about it and hopefully in future years Christmas will be ‘shared’.