Not to want to suprise 90yr old for birthday.

Personally I would hate it.
Please ask SIL if she will at least warn her Mum to dress up and get her hair done because 'you should expect visitors on your birthday'.
If anyone organised a surprise party for me I would go home, or if incapable of physically going home without help, I would get really furious and refuse to co-operate. (ie I'd sulk)!!!
Although to be fair - SIL should know what her mum is like and whether she will love it or hate it. After all, she IS her daughter.
It needs discussing.

Thanks everyone. I talked to my daughter yesterday, and even though we both are not fond of surprises (especially for elderly) we will go along with my SIL's plan.

I know my MIL will be delighted with everyone coming to see her. She knows SIL is coming into town and there will be a family dinner, but does not realize granchildren and great grandchildren are also coming. Hopefully she will be delighted but not overwhelmed.

My mum had a 90th. She helped plan it, said who she wanted there, had a new outfit and her hair done. Does your SIL not realise for someone that age the anticipation, the planning and the preparation are half the fun? Not to mention looking your best on the day. If my mum had been surprised and hadn't had her hair done properly or perhaps not rested during the day so she wasn't tired at night she wouldn't have enjoyed it half as much. As it was she stayed until the very last guest was ready to leave. It's fine to plan small surprises but older people need to be ready for big events.

We had a surprise birthday party for my 80 year old aunt and she just seemed bewildered all day . Far better that she knows in advance.

I think a total surprise party is quite a risky thing. Who knows what this lady really wants to do?
My sister in law wanted a big flash hotel do for her mum's 90th local to where they both live, but mum said no as lots of us had to travel and the costs would have been unreasonable.
I tried to organise my own 60th birthday party meal for friends and was put off at every turn as dates didn't suit etc. Turned out they'd organised a surprise, but not something I would enjoy, which one friend freely acknowledged but said it was what everyone else wanted to do, and at a restaurant she knew I didn't like but other people did. So I went along with it but felt really out of things and could have cried.
I had my preferred meal out with my son later and had a lovely evening.
Personally I feel the venue and type of party is something the birthday person should be involved with discussing. There's always something else that can be a surprise on the day.

I agree with MamaCaz - she is here for a visit and it seems mean to not spend some time with her grandmother. They will enjoy the sort of conversation that you can’t have at a party.

I know you could argue that they can have this quiet chat after, but sometimes a party takes a lot out of an older person and it will certainly not be the same.

If she doesn’t mention the party there’s nothing to complain about.

I don't see why your daughter shouldn't 'be in town' and visit her grandmother as she normally would. As long as she doesn't let on about the surprise party, I don't see that SiL has any right to complain about that.

Surely the party girl will want her hair done and to look her best? She needs some sort of forewarning even if the precise nature of the event isn’t spelled out, and her GD is probably the person to do this.

I visited my mother in Australia for her 90th birthday. I discussed with my brother whether we should keep my visit secret but he said she would get a lot of enjoyment anticipating my arrival (and boasting to others that I was travelling from UK to visit her!).

If your s-i-l is adamant that her mother isn't told about the party then as others have suggested perhaps your daughter could visit her grandmother and just not mention the party

Thank you, rosecarmel. She's been gone since 2006 and I still miss her. She had books started in every room, set out to learn something new each year (using a computer, playing chess, painting, etc.) and outlived all three of her children. We once had a "slumber party" on her hospital bed and we whispered and giggled like girls. Oh, gosh. Such memories. Apologies. Got a little sidetracked on the thread. Hope all works out for your MiL, CanadianGran

If it was my DGM (grandmother) I agree with you DD, I would visit her after arriving and tell her on the quiet so she is not shocked by the surprise, but ask her not to let on that she knows?

Good luck with it all CanadianGran and Happy 90th to your MiL when it comes ??

Thank you for sharing that beautiful story and image gmarie ... She sounded fun, full of life and lovely ..

My grandma loved planning her own parties. She even went shopping for five new outfits to pick from and wear on special occasions! She always wanted to present herself in the best light, was thrilled to be the center of the celebration, and would have been upset if she didn't get a chance to look her best. This is her and me on her 102nd birthday, wearing the red suit she picked out. She was planning her next b-day when she died a few months before she could turn 103.

My children made their arrangements to take time from work, rearrange schedules and secure childcare, reserve the hotel and travel 16 hours, all of this without any knowledge of a party ... So I totally get where your daughter is coming from, that she had no knowledge in advance that her time with her grandmother would be restricted .. It's truly ridiculous ..

Drugs and drabs glad it’s not just me making textual errors

CanadianGran, we faced a similar situation last summer when my mother was turning 100- I agree with you and your daughter-

Your sister in law is using the event to grandstand and control an event that would be much more enjoyable if kept simple, about family and truly about sharing quality time with the birthday girl-

It all began with me planning a visit with my adult children to spend time with their grandmother- My sister hijacked the visit and turned it into a 3 ring circus- We never did get to spend the quality time with my mother that we would have liked to-

Your daughter should not have to hide from someone she cherishes ..

No worries about anyone falling out or being too upset. My SIL is a lovely giving person, and manages everything to the last detail. People tend to go along with her since she takes care of every detail; it's easier to go with the flow.

I will put out feelers tonight, since we planned to discuss the party. Will also discuss with husband and daughter.

Cabbie I sincerely hope drugs and drabs won’t be featuring!

Thank you for alerting me to my error Mawb I’m dyslexic and read her post too quickly. It’s an awkward situation all round. I love surprise parties but I’m thinking if I were in my 90’s I probably would rather be involved the in planning of my 90th celebrations. It could lead to a falling out though between yourself and sister in law so as others have said best to keep the peace or leave DH to deal with her directly. I feel thankful when I read others stories on this site considering how quickly family members fall out these days.

It is not clear exactly which day the birthday is, but surely the MiL will be expecting some sort of celebration to be organised so it won’t exactly come as a surprise to her.
I can’t see why your daughter should not see her GM as soon as she likes. Better for the lady to be able to greet people in drugs and drabs than be overwhelmed by large numbers.

The days leading up to the party are none of the SILs business. Your daughter can of course arrange to see your MIL that is none of your SILs business

Your SIL is throwing herself a party and using your MIL as an excuse.

You do not need to be a part of it, but if you do, you do need to abide by the invitation, even if that is that its a surprise

I think your daughter should spend time with her grandmother,it will be lovely for them both to have time together without everyone else and the business of the party.

Thank you for the replies; I see some of you have mixed feelings as well! I know my MIL will be thrilled to see all of her family, but if were up to me it would not be a surprise, or the family could surprise her as they came to town individually, instead of bombarding her all at once in the restaurant!

I am involved in the planning as well and will speak with my SIL tonight. My daughter tends to run in the same vein as her aunt, and be a planner; it is stressing her out to think she has to sneak around our small town for two days so she can surprise Grandma. When she is in town she usually drops in every morning for coffee with GM, so she will miss out on 2 days, which bothers her.

My daughter did not realize her visit was supposed to be a surprise when she booked her tickets. I think in the long run I will tell daughter to just go along with the surprise. She can visit with friends and her in-laws for the two days before the party.

I m not a surprise person either but it’s not your party it’s been arranged by your sister in law so you must abide by what she wants and feels is right i d be well pipped off if I d organised something and someone broke ranks and gave it away
We did a party for my dads 90th it wasn’t a surprise but it was a surprised that his youngest granddaughter and three children travelled over and he was delighted surprised and thrilled He loved the party and was the star of the show
It was funny as we invited a few friends from the day centre he went to their children brought them with their walkers and wheelchairs and asked what time they should pick them up
Talk about role reversal