Working women trying to look after elderly parents

I think carers for elderly parents should be allowed time off for medical appointments in the same way as pregnant women are. The problem is that in some jobs replacements have to be found to cover the absentee, and that is becoming more and more expensive. Trying to see medical and social care staff in weekends is almost impossible.

Jaxjacky

Five year old post, nothing’s really changed

Oops..........I didn't notice that.

I saw gillybob and thought she was back! but this is an old thread.

Five year old post, nothing’s really changed

In many respects I have been lucky. My FT job was flexible so I was able to take dad to his hospital appointments and cancer treatment but "lucky" in that he died shortly after diagnosis. Then the responsibility of my mum with Alzheimers, till she was sectioned and we had to find a care home. I managed time off for that somehow (but no such thing as Compassionate Leave). My kids were teenagers/young adults so that issue didn't occur. But when mum was in the Care Home I travelled 90 miles a day to and from work - at all times of day/night so asked for Compassionate Leave to find time to visit her in the day. Not a chance. Only thing I could do was take a year's sabbatical (no pay) and she died after two months! I was told I had to continue with the year out, and on my return my old job had been filled by the "temporary" person. I tried the new job for a while but it was dreadful, so I took early retirement and regretted it ever since. Not a penny in benefits at all and a much-reduced company pension.

At least we were retired by the time we were needed to help with GC, but 30 miles away over country lanes, and older. But we did it - and still are even through a year of cancer treatment. Younger DD is nearly 200 miles away and no children as yet. Our problem is that we too are in need of some care and there is no-one at all to help. My cancer treatment involved daily car journeys of 3-4 hours in all weathers (winter time, dark nights etc) and only just managed it. Meanwhile the house/garden are in dire need of repairs/updating and nobody to help.

Not complaining as such cos loads of people have a lot more pressure - and good luck to you all.

The government will have to think of something before too long cos we are entitled to help just as much as any sector of society.

And yet again government has kicked adult social care into the long grass with a commission of enquiry. Not that the Tories did any better.

Some people are sandwiched between elderly parent and grandchild care, too. I consider myself lucky that by the time the first grandchild arrived, I was a few years past having to give time to my mother and FiL (both with dementia) not to mention an old aunt of dh - all marbles present but very demanding!

I was lucky that my employers were very good, though. I once had to take a few days off at extremely short notice, to stay with my mother after she had a fall. They did ask for a note from the district nurse who attended, but there was no other query or difficulty.

Beswitched

It's not necessarily emergency care that's needed but flexibility to bring parents to appointments, meet with consultants or social workers, visit them in hospital during the day if it's needed etc etc etc

Maybe you have to be in the situation to realise how difficult and grinding it can be.

Flexibility can work well in office jobs and the like when the work just waits for when you come back.

It doesn’t work in people facing jobs. Appointments get postponed, rescheduled, temporary staff who are just stop gaps get shouldered in, clients end up seeing a raft of different people.

There are core times when you just have to be there, when your clients and colleagues are there too.

When I was working and providing care and support with a sibling for our parents I found it exhausting. I worked shifts and was often disturbed when sleeping during the day following a night shift because sibling wasn't available for some legitimate reason or another - and this worked both ways too so I am not criticising him.

If I needed a day off at short notice it was taken without pay and with a great deal of ill feeling for "letting the team down"!

When one of them died I was allowed ONE DAY compassionate leave for the funeral - I took myself off to the GP and signed off as sick to be able to cope with all the legal stuff (sibling and I were executors). All this was repeated two years later when the second parent died.

In all this I still don't feel as though I was allowed to grieve their loss and I certainly don't begrudge one single moment or dash to A&E to be with either of them.

I’m wondering when the exhaustion will tip into a breakdown. My resilience is beginning to fray after nearly 21 years of raising 2 children alone, simultaneously caring for elderly parents for the same length of time, since they were in their 70s, and working a series of stressful jobs from the age of 54 since redundancy from a stable job. I’m 64 now and still working, caring for mother in her 90s, and need to keep working until pension age at almost 67 (yes, I expected to retire at 60). Some days it’s hard to get out of bed. Have moved mother closer by, so less travel, but she still refuses outside help, apart from a cleaner who may or may not turn up to clean for a couple of hours a week. On my knees. I know there’s help out there but she won’t take it. Have tried boundaries, minimising input, reasoning, being assertive, but the risks to her of leaving her to her own devices are too high for comfort and, if anything happened to her, I would blame myself (and so would society) so am obliged to carry on, despite risks to own physical and mental health. Just can’t see an end and all hope of healthy retirement receding. This is a rant - please don’t make suggestions as this is an elderly person who won’t co-operate and is, and always has been, unable to care about impact on family. In fact I’m the logical sounding board for all her troubles, so I’m using this forum to sound out mine! Thanks for listening, I feel better now, and will try to post something more positive next time! The reason that this is on a work forum is that, despite lip service being paid to carer support, the fact is that younger management and co-workers simply don’t understand, and pressures at work might just be the last straw….

It's not necessarily emergency care that's needed but flexibility to bring parents to appointments, meet with consultants or social workers, visit them in hospital during the day if it's needed etc etc etc

Maybe you have to be in the situation to realise how difficult and grinding it can be.

Why is it down to women, is an important question to ask.

I don't think anyone's suggesting that parents be given less flexibility Doodledog. We're just saying that while policy makers have woken up to the fact that the increased number of young mothers remaining in the workplace needs to be addressed through accommodations such as decent maternity leave, parental leave etc, they seem to be ignoring the corresponding increase in older women trying to balance work and care of elderly parents.

I feel very lucky that my employer allows 15 hours paid carer's leave a year to cover any aspect of care. I use mine for taking MIL to hospital appointments. I am also allowed to work from home before or after the appointment if it is at an inconvenient time of day so I don't need to travel to the office and back more than once.

We also get 15 hours per year paid time to do voluntary work.

I think that situations like this will never be sorted out until people stop looking for ways that other people have what seem to be advantages over them.

I'm not at the 'caring for parents' stage (yet), but I well remember the bitterness expressed by some colleagues when parents wanted an hour or two off to see a nativity play, or to take leave in the school holidays (instead of a week or two either side when things were cheaper and less fraught for non-parent). It seemed like people were constantly looking for ways to level a playing field that was, in fact, stacked against those with children.

Private and public sector roles both have swings and roundabouts, and many people only see the 'other side' getting things that they don't, and so on. Interestingly, there is a lot of complaining about others not pulling their weight at work, when everyone posting on here is either retired or has time at their own workplace to post on here .

If, instead of looking at what other people seem to get, we look for ways to make things easier for everyone, life would be so much better all round. Everyone should be able to get time off for emergency care when needed. I thought that this was already in place?

For well over 15 years I was looking after either a parent or an in law with dementia, and there was a childless aunt of dh needing time, too. However I was only working part time so it was manageable. Dh was unable to do much at all since he was still working very long hours and was frequently away for work, too.

I do often wonder how on earth I’d have managed if grandchild-care had been needed, too, but the first Gdc didn’t arrive until I was 67, just before the last of the parents died.
There is absolutely no way I’d be able to do both now, even though I’m no,longer working.

What with so many women having babies that much later - a dd recently had no.3 at nearly 43 - and several of her friends are similar, and given that so many of them need to work more or less full time, too, I don’t know what the answer is - that is if people needing care can’t afford to pay for it, or are unwilling to do so even if they are well able to pay (dh’s aunt was one such), or refuse the care arranged for them because ‘My daughter will do it’ - (it’s nearly always the daughter, isn’t it?).
I know from masses of communication with other carers that this is very common, especially if any level of dementia is involved.

I know that some employers offer 5 days 'carers' leave' as I worked in a multi-disciplinary team where some had it (depending on their employer) and some (me) didn't.
I finally cut my working hours to care for my parents. I wasn't exactly bitter, but I did think that at all points I (& DH) had borne the burden of care ourselves, as I had worked casually or part-time whilst my children were small, as their dad worked very long and unpredictable hours.

We were fortunate in having a good income, and fairly modest tastes, so my earnings weren't an issue. I know that my own kids won't be able to do the same, so my savings will pay for care.

And I am very sympathetic to those employers who struggle to help carers. We sometimes got in the mad situation where, as I was the 'at home mum', my DH would cover the work of colleagues whose own partners refused to take time off work for sick children. I was so cross with one of them that at a 'do' I told him that I was functioning as his wife. He went to work without thinking about his kids, his wife took time off to look after them, my DH covered her work during his days off, and could do so because I took up the slack. He spluttered that I didn't have a job anyway, and I said there was one waiting for me when I could go back to it.

I too felt, once I went back to work, that I covered for colleagues taking time off 'because my children are older now'. However, I tried to do it with good grace, knowing that I have been fortunate.

I'm lucky as my parents are in their 70's and my dad still works. My mum has cancer but is bearing up well and not changing her routine at all. My brother lives with them and doesn't work, so can take her to any hospital appointments she has.
My mother-in-law is unwell and since my FIL died the responsibility of taking her to hospital appointments/shopping/the bank, anywhere in fact has fallen on my DH and I's shoulders.
Luckily, we are both able to work part time so we work her appointments between us.
I know that not everyone is in our position, but I have to say my employers are great with issues regarding families. They're a family firm and are wonderful to work for

My parents were terminally ill around the same time- I was in my 30's, they lived in Scotland I was married and lived in London. I worked for 10 days and had 4 off, Friday -Monday so every second weekend for 3 months I travelled by train to Scotland.

I then had to take 3 months unpaid leave to sort out funerals, sell the house etc. Very stressful also with my boss getting in touch wondering when I was returning to work. I was in no fit state physically or mentally.

Meant to add we were still both working at the time too as we had a house , bills etc. I had to go part- time which was a drop in our income and don't start me on Carers Allowance.

I would totally support any help for older carers. Having been carers ourselves, we were left to it, diddly squat help from anyone inc other family members except one. My husband at one point used up all his compassionate leave and annual leave. Nobody cared, nobody helped and I have never felt so isolated. Yes, there should be support. Sorry, but at times it really was bad and the minute you say to medical staff I can do.....be warned, you are left with the lot. Don't get me wrong, the people I cared for, would do it again as they would have had nobody. I also had children at the time to consider. Nobody ever thinks carers need a life too, or, at least a little bit of time out to recharge your batteries so that you can continue to care for the person. Yes, if Im honest, Im quite bitter about the situation we were left in. Not about who we looked after.

Chin up. We're in it together. Around the same age. Both working ourselves into a frazzle with no reprieve in sight.

What's not to like?

If only ...... sigh ?

Oh I know that myself, gilly.

If someone's circumstances change to such a huge extent though, or they can see them heading that way, then they could leave a job with rigidly enforced policies, and look for something more flexible.

The thing is MissA is that none of us knows what lies ahead. At 30 I never envisaged the life I have now .