Second child off to Australia

It's awful when your child chooses to live the other side of the world. I know and can sympathise with you. However, I cannot understand why you might be blaming his girlfriend. Surely they both made this decision. Yes your wife will be sad but with SKYPE and Facetime etc you will still be able to have a relationship with him even though it is not the one you chose. But you will need to change your attitude or you might loose him altogether.

I appreciate it isn't a perfect situation for you or your wife but we none of us knows what the future holds.
I think a lot of people, on here, harbour unrealistic dreams of what they expect for themselves and their DC as they get older, retire and become DGP .

Like Callistemon we are not alone. Our NZ son took part in a school reunion at New Year time out there!

Relocating to Australia for parents isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. We applied for a contributory parent visa, (which would give permanent residence and would cost us over £50k) in August 2016 and 2016 applications are only just beginning to be processed. There are cheaper ways which are less costly but they all take time and some only allow a maximum of ten years there. Emigrating to Australia needs a lot of research as Jeremy’s daughter who lives there would be able to advise.

If he met her on holiday it may be that he wants to give Australia a go to see if he likes it and if the relationship works out. It may not do. Don’t blame or alienate this girl, at his age he is making his own decision. He has also lived and worked abroad for many years anyway. If both your children settle in Australia then if you have good relationships with them all you may consider moving there yourselves. I understand totally how you feel as one of my adult children lives in Australia. FaceTime is excellent and you can visit them.

what an awful situation
Gemini7892

Out of all my friends , I know about half who have family who emigrated to Australia or New Zealand. Others went to America, Canada, South America and many other countries.

You say you are sad and angry at what your son is doing to your wife, his mother. He went to Australia and fell in love with a girl and wants to marry her. What a cruel and thoughtless son he is! Really? I feel sorry for that poor girl as you sound as though you and your wife are going to be the in-laws from hell.

I think Callistemon has said it all really. Be kind to them Jeremypaulwagg they need to live their lives independently as you did.

Hi jeremy I totally understand how difficult this is for you and you have my sympathy.

Just 4 months before our eldest son and his new wife went to begin a new life in Australia, his brother our youngest son, estranged us and in so doing took away our only GC.

It was our eldest son's wife who was the driving force behind the move to Australia and despite them divorcing nearly 3 years ago, he is happy with his life there; there were no children.

That was 7.5 years ago and we remain estranged from our youngest son and GC. Having our only other child so far away is difficult to say the least but he is happy and we face time on a weekly basis and have gone over to visit him 4 times, he's been back to the UK twice.

You clearly love your son, and although you think it will be difficult to embrace this young lady, I'm sure your love for him and your desire for his happiness will transcend any awkwardness you're anticipating meeting his young lady for the first time.

Your son's plans are about his future, what he wants for his own life. Be happy that he is happy. Welcome his young lady with an open heart because she loves him and he loves her.

Despite your own and understandable heart ache at the thought of him moving so far away, be happy for them both and wish them well.

It's OK if your wife cries. I cry every time our son greets us at the air port and I weep buckets every time he takes us to the air port and we have to say goodbye. He wouldn't expect any thing less from his mum, and your son wouldn't expect anything less from his mum.

Don't be unkind to this poor man. Sounds like he's venting his sadness on here. I'm sure he'll be perfectly OK with this potential new family member.
TBH I'd feel exactly the same way he does if this situation arose in our family.

It has been said but I must add my tuppence. We bring our DC into the world but they are not our property. We want their happiness more than anything and you and your wife should be proud that you have brought up 2 independent young adults.

Actually not so young. We were married with 3 DC by his age.

Our DS emigrated to NZ maybe 12 yrs ago, I lose track. We are very close to him and his family. We speak several times a week - especially now. They were trying to visit this Summer but it's been cancelled.

Please be kind to this GF. Like her because she loves your DS.

My son went to Australia years ago but returned and now lives miles from us in Great Britain , we visited him in Oz but actually see less of him now
Just now we can’t visit anyone but keep in touch with various social media , I wouldn’t worry about it , be happy for him and expect to love the girl

What an awful situation ! It will be hard to hide your feelings when you meet the new partner but you really must.
When lockdown is over (!) maybe consider moving to Australia yourselves ?

With your attitude to the woman your son loves it is likely contact will finish anyway.

Very good advice from GagaJo

She has laid out exactly the right way to handle this.

From my experience (albeit limited) Australians in the main love Europe and the UK for our history, culture and traditions.

You need to work hard to give the girlfriend a wonderful time here, even if it is through gritted teeth!

I do really sympathise though.
Having both offspring living so far away is surely any parent’s worst nightmare.

If you and your wife can pull this off it might just work!

I think you have your answer here!

Your promising he would never move away - how did that happen? Why did he promise something that is so unrealistic?
For sure he doesn't have a crystal ball and see his future.

Tell your son that you do not want to see him in July.
Tell him you do not want to meet his future wife.
Do not make this move and his life about you, about your and your wife's expectations for him.

HE is the one deciding to move away.
If you are going to lash out at her, say bye bye to a relationship to your future grandkids.

I would recommend grief therapy. You feel you are losing your son.

You and your wife should be PROUD you have raised such independent young people who are capable of leading a life of their own. Think yourself lucky they have both chosen the same continent. Your DW needs to forge ahead with a life of her own.

I can understand

It must be heart breaking to have both your children on the other side of the world.

But meet this young lady

Be kind to her

A rift would be ruinous

We bring our children up. And they are then free to live their lives

Give them your blessing. However sad you feel

You will only be allowed to visit your son at his approval.
If you ruin this. You risk losing him forever.

I didn't know the visa situation, as humptydumpty has laid out. If family is your number 1 priority, and if they do go to live there, why don't you consider relocating?

Surely the approach to take would be to make her SO welcome and comfortable, that she MIGHT see the UK as a place she might consider wanting to live.

Find out in advance from your son what some of her interests are and play to them, BIG TIME. Art? London galleries. Music? Find out which artists and try to find a concert (hard at the moment I know).

Have a beautifully decorated room ready for them to stay in when they come. Flowers. A treat. Take them for lovely meals. A drink in a ye olde English pub.

Really, really push the boat out for them. Show her a life style she may like. Even if they DON'T settle here at least you'll have laid the ground work for a lovely relationship with her and therefore lots of holidays to them and with them visiting you.

Please don't be unkind to this girl - why would you be?
Your son is 28, an adult and has found someone he loves.

If you are unkind to her he may never forgive you. If they are both kinder than you seem to be then you may find you will continue to have some kind of relationship with them but it will be strained. If they have a family one day do you want to risk not visiting them because of your attitude?
It is hard but so many families are in the same position.

It's difficult at the moment with travel so restricted but that will ease in the future. Who knows, you may decide to emigrate there yourselves.

Remember - we should give them roots and wings.

I'm sure you must know that, with children living in Australia, you would be eligible to get a visa to live there too, if one of the spouses is eligible.

Yes, I sympathise. It must be very hard for you at this moment and I would hate to be in your position.

But......I'm sure you know that you have to rise above this and welcome your son's new love to your family, and I'm sure you'll do this when the time comes. You've just heard about their plans and the feelings you have right now must seem overwhelming. You need to give yourself a bit of time to get your breath and come to terms with the situation, but please reply to him positively and don't do or say anything in the meantime to jeopardise your relationship.

You will get through this because you have to. Keeping in touch with family, wherever they may be, is so much easier these days than it once was and you'll be able to visit and have them come to see you. Easy to say, I know, but you really have no option but to look on the bright side. And who knows, their plans may yet change? Anyway, all best wishes to you.

We teach our children independence from the minute they are born.
There is nothing we can do to keep them near but plenty to keep them close.
Embrace his girlfriend give them your blessing.
Keep them close and cry on the inside.
Better to have a happy loving son in Australia than a resentful son in the next street.