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I'm frightened

(15 Posts)
ExD Sun 31-May-20 14:07:53

if I could, I would post this under a a different username because I'm ashamed I'm being so weak.
Well I'm at my wits end.
My DH and I are both 80 and in good health but he cannot get his head around just how serious this is! He washes his hands, otherwise he's continuing to live just as he always has.
If he wants something he goes to the shops and buys it. If a neighbour invites us into their garden he goes and sits with them while I stand at the gate and tell them they're breaking the rules. They laugh at me, DH included, and try to make me look a fool but I insist on staying away.
He says I'm selfish and lazy for getting groceries delivered and derides me for sanitising door handles and taps after he's touched them.
He also derides me for wearing gloves to collect his washing and for wiping the steering wheel of the car after he's used it, and for sitting at the other end of the room to watch TV.
I am sleeping in the spare room and I fear our 60 year old marriage is about to implode. if I had anywhere to go - I'd go.
What can I do?
(Sods law has it, it'll be me who goes down with it whilst he stays healthy)

travelsafar Sun 31-May-20 14:09:28

Oh bless you, it must be so hard being with someone who just doesnt understand the serious nature of this virus.

Parky Sun 31-May-20 14:25:04

I'm so sorry Exd it must be so difficult for you. Your husband sounds like he doesn't care whether he catches the virus or not, but that is so unfair on you.

Do you have anyone, family or friend you could confine in? Or perhaps talk to him and ask him why he's not concerned about your feelings. The only thing to remember for the sake of your sanity is that you are unlikely to catch it as he is taking care to wash his hands.

Has he always been unfeeling or is maybe something medically wrong that is changing his personality?

Please take care.

Grannynannywanny Sun 31-May-20 14:30:55

Your husband sounds rather like my daughter’s Fil also 80. He refuses to accept the situation and carries on regardless.

But try to be easier on yourself. If your husband washes his hands on arrival home you don’t need to be wiping door handles, taps etc every time he’s touched them. If you are both symptom free then there’s no need to be distancing yourselves watching tv and no need for separate rooms. ( although many might see the advantages there😀)

Try to relax and enjoy life such as it is for now. Easier said than done I know. But it does sound like you are giving yourself a hard time where it’s not necessary 💐

Callistemon Sun 31-May-20 15:21:26

If you haven't had a shielding letter then he can go to the shops for food or medicine and the shops should be ensuring distancing between customers.
Is he sitting close to the neighbour or at a distance of two metres? I hope he has enough sense to do that.

I think that if he is being careful, washing his hands thoroughly and you are both in good health then perhaps you are being a little over anxious. He is perhaps a little too casual but we have to use our common sense and judgement too otherwise we have no quality of life at all.

Try talking to him without getting upset about how you feel and listen to what he thinks. Perhaps you may reach a compromise.
Making sure he does wash his hands is important.
I think you are sensible getting your shopping delivered than, as one friend puts it, 'running the gaunlet' each week.
Another friend's husband has been out every day to the shops, walking, but she has stayed in.
Some of the messages have been very mixed and people's interpretations have been different.

I hope you can work this out.


BlueBelle Sun 31-May-20 15:52:46

It’s so easy to get carried away with all the constant fear dripping news, there is now an opinion that it’s better to be out in the fresh air so he may not be risking too much
Are you living in an area with a high incidence ?
It must be very hard when one is feeling so nervous and scared and the other is confidently ‘carrying on’
Let him go to the shop and visit friends if you want deliveries why shouldn’t you have them if he goes to friends houses and you feel safer at home stay in your own garden
As long as he washes well when he gets in I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it

glammanana Sun 31-May-20 15:53:45

I really hope this can be sorted for you once he has washed his hands thoughly when he comes in and you have wiped the handles once he is inside you should both be safe.Men have a mind of their own haven't they I feel my husband would have been the same bless him just make sure he understands the social distancing rules take care flowers

Eloethan Sun 31-May-20 16:50:30

What a horrible man to say your are selfish and lazy and to make fun of you. I do understand that some people don't view the virus situation as dangerous as other people do - but to treat you in this way when you are frightened is really nasty.

It must be awful living with such a person and I'm really sorry you are in this situation. Try not to get too anxious though (easier said than done I know) because stress and anxiety can negatively affect your health.

I agree with Bluebelle that there is some evidence to suggest fresh air and sunlight offers a certain amount of protection. If nothing else, it lightens the mood. Make the best of it while we have good weather.

Grammaretto Sun 31-May-20 17:08:45

My FiL is just the same and poor MiL. Luckily they have had their DS or DD living with them in turns sine the start. We can't help as we are shielding too!.

FiL is 94. He goes off on his mobility scooter to buy his newspaper every day and says he's going to die soon anyway so why should he change his behaviour.

Your DH is being mean to you though. It sounds as if you could do with a break from him.
Is there a possibility of staying with someone else?

Callistemon Sun 31-May-20 20:41:55

I agree, it is unkind behaviour, ExD. It is time for a chat and perhaps you can both meet your expectations halfway. He obviously feels it is safe to go out as long as he is careful and washes his hands but he should be helping you to overcome your fears.

I know that DH is fed up with staying in because I had the shielded letter but he has been very good about it, although i know he is itching to go out.

Hetty58 Sun 31-May-20 21:06:09

Oh dear, I've noticed some people who've just carried on as usual, regardless of the risks. They seem to be creatures of habit, stuck in a rut, heads in the sand - incapable of adapting to the current situation - so in complete denial.

I'd want to be somewhere else too. Statistically, though, being male, he's in far more danger than you are!

etheltbags1 Sun 31-May-20 21:13:22

My mother is a bit like this but she has stayed in and does wash hands but if I suggest a face ask or keeping her distance she goes mad. It will be a while before she can shop but I dread it. I feel sorry for th OP. Hope you gets through yo him

fourormore Sun 31-May-20 21:16:02

Callistermon my DH has a lung problem so we voluntarily went into isolation eleven weeks ago - starting a week before it became compulsory for over 70s etc.
Last Thursday he received a phone call from our council shielding dept checking all was ok - only then did we learn that he was on the high risk list, so saying it's ok if he hasn't had a letter isn't necessarily true.
That same evening on our local news people were complaining that they had received text messages telling them that they no longer need to shield. Apparently when they checked with their GP they were told under no circumstances should they come out of shielding. Our GP was the same with my DH and couldn't understand why he hadn't received any letter.
Fortunately, because we knew he had health problems we made the decision for ourselves but I feel it's important to remember the 'system' isn't perfect.
In your case I feel perhaps you are over-worrying as you say you are good health, but perhaps a quick telephone call to your GP would either reassure you or persuade your DH that he needs to heed the rules?
Either way I wish you all the very best as you are obviously so worried. You are NOT weak - you are being cautious!

ExD Mon 01-Jun-20 12:14:21

These are reassuring comments, and although you talk a log of sense I still feel nervous. Although we live in the North in an area with a high count of infections, our home is way in the sticks so there is no risk of crowds.
There are an amazing number of walkers and cyclists passing the house in an almost constant stream (which we've never seen before) I don't feel they are any threat to the residents.
I do feel encouraged by your replies and a bit more cheerful from reading them.
(ps a good night's sleep, away from the snoring is an amazing benefit and I can recommend it!)

Hetty58 Mon 01-Jun-20 12:20:45

ExD we all have to do what makes us feel comfortable and secure. There would be no point in taking even a small risk (perhaps going in a shop) if it resulted in sleepless nights worrying about it. You sound very thoughtful and sensible (not weak) to me. You are protecting yourself and others.