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how do I get through to my daughter

(24 Posts)
JDT1957 Fri 05-Jun-20 08:49:17

She blocked me & her family 18months ago & disappeared with her partner & my 4 grandchildren. Now heard the grandchildren are in care but she still wont talk to me. SS wont talk as she says 'non disclosure'. I'm at my wits end. sadangryconfused. I approached SS when I heard, but my D is against me having children due to MH problems (jealousy). Has anyone else been through this? Does anyone know how long it takes to be assessed as a carer? No, I don't believe I was a bad mum or nan, neither do her true friends or mine.

jeanrobinson Fri 05-Jun-20 08:58:55

The best advice I was given when I became a grandparent was this "Keep your wallet open and your mouth shut" It has been helpful. Now the grown-up grandchildren ask for my advice.

vampirequeen Fri 05-Jun-20 09:42:11

Can you afford to get legal advice?

JDT1957 Fri 05-Jun-20 09:53:39

@vampirequeen I've had a solicitor contact SS & have eventually been told I would be assessed. Was hoping someone here has been through the process & could advise as each call to solicitor costs & don't think they are up on this side of it.

mumofmadboys Fri 05-Jun-20 10:03:52

Having children in care is very expensive. SS are usually keen for families to take care of children. Hopefully you will be assessed soon and whether your DD wishes it or not hopefully you will have a good chance of being able to have care of the children. Will the kids speak warmly of you do you think? That would help. Wishing you well.

JDT1957 Fri 05-Jun-20 11:52:27

@mumofmadboys. Children loved me, I helped raise them so praying they haven't been brainwashed too much & remember the good times. Thank's, last few years have been tough, scared this would happen but hoping it wouldn't. It's been the 'not knowing' that's been hard, but now knowing is equally tough as none of us want our grandchildren going through this. The only light is that they are currently 'safe & well'.

Smileless2012 Fri 05-Jun-20 23:04:06

JDT what an awful situation for you all. I have no advice I'm afraid but wanted to wish you well. I hope you'll soon have a satisfactory conclusion in the not too distant future.

At least you know the children are safe and well flowers.

Hithere Fri 05-Jun-20 23:20:48

What happened that your dd moved away?

Jealousy is not a mental illness

annodomini Fri 05-Jun-20 23:31:55

Quite clearly, the OP didn't mean that jealousy is a mental illness but that jealousy is one of the manifestations of her DD's mental state. Presumably her mental illness is the reason why the children are in care.

GrauntyHelen Sat 06-Jun-20 01:19:31

Your daughter's wishes with regard to HER children will be taken in to account and your attitude to your daughter You aren't coming across as very empathetic to your daughter that won't be in your favour

welbeck Sat 06-Jun-20 03:02:26

maybe the children would be just as well with neutral people, so that eventually they can re-establish relations with their mother when she is better.
you do sound very bitter towards her; that does not make for a good dynamic in relation to her children.
what jumped out from your OP was describing the children as your GC rather than her children. as if you are already laying claim to them and minimising your daughter's primary position as their mother.

Naty Sat 06-Jun-20 18:26:16

The kids' being in care probably has a good deal to do with how she was raised. Maybe she doesn't want you around because of what happened to her as a child? People who lose access to their own kids are in a world of hurt. of origin usually has lots to do with this. Look inside yourself. Would you want YOU as a mother?

Toadinthehole Sat 06-Jun-20 18:32:58

JDT1957 sorry if I’ve misunderstood, but is it you or your daughter who has mental health issues? Who is jealous, and what of? I have no experience of this sort of thing, but do know Social services do like to keep children in their families as much as possible. I do hope it works out for you all.

JDT1957 Sun 07-Jun-20 16:30:38

Thank you all for your responses, both positive & advisory. Been a difficult couple of years & finding out that 'my daughter's children', my grandchildren, were removed from her & her partner Dad to 3 of them. Taken into care, split up, after I had been led to believe (via 3rd parties/flying monkeys) that she had been accepting the help she needed & that they were putting the children first, hit me pretty hard. I love my D & yes I have looked long & hard at myself. I'm not perfect, have never professed to be but I have always put her first. I was the last in the line of people that were blocked by her over time & her jealousy was just one of the side effect's of her MH & other issues.

I have taken everyone's comments onboard & admit my post, the first I've put on here, was probably me'ish, my apologies, I was in a particularly low place Friday morning, lost, confused & looking for advise - to re-connect with my D whilst keeping her children together.

Madgran77 Sun 07-Jun-20 17:15:49

The kids' being in care probably has a good deal to do with how she was raised. Maybe she doesn't want you around because of what happened to her as a child? People who lose access to their own kids are in a world of hurt. of origin usually has lots to do with this.

Blimey that was a bit of a huge leap, based on the information given!!1

silverlining48 Sun 07-Jun-20 18:27:31

You really dont need a solicitor for this, you just need to liaise with social services direct. They will then assess the situation and decide what and where is best for the children. Suggest you contact SS again for an update and also to ask about possible contact with the children.

Lucca Sun 07-Jun-20 18:31:49

Naty. What a very unkind post. What do you base that on ?

donna1964 Sun 07-Jun-20 18:54:59

Do you know whether the Father of the children was approached by Social Service as to take on responsibility of the Children? ...that is usually where Social Service start. If Social Service did not think he was fit to look after the kids or that he said he did not want responsibility of them...then Social Services will look at other avenues. If you have come forward and made it known to Social Services that you would want to care for the will be given a Social Worker who will assess you and your surroundings. There will be many checks done on you eg Police Checks, Mental Health Checks...please do not take these checks personally...these checks are done on everyone in your situation. The Children will be spoken too by Social Services to see how they feel about each decision made A decision at the Courts will decide whether you care for the children short term until you daughter is well or permanent with a view to the Children seeing their Mother set out by the Courts. The Children's needs and thoughts will be the priority. Maybe at a later date you and your daughter may be encouraged to go into therapy to work out any problems. Phone Social Services again tomorrow and ask for further advice on procedures and direction as to what you need to do right now. I hope it all works out for you must be devastated to know they are in Care...its heartbreaking. x

Smileless2012 Sun 07-Jun-20 20:08:21

Couldn't agree more Madgran and Luca. What exactly have you based your response on Naty?

JDT1957 Mon 08-Jun-20 20:42:07

@silverlining48 Thank you for advise, appreciated

JDT1957 Mon 08-Jun-20 21:03:27

@donna1964 Thank you, really appreciated, it was the 'how it works?' that I was looking for as Mum & Dad are together & the children have been removed from both of them & they are all miles away from the rest of the family. I have contacted SS & they say children are safe & well which is something. Have also put myself forward to be assessed. Thanks for giving me some idea as to how this works. Hopefully Mum & Dad will take the right steps towards having them back, meantime I assume it's a waiting game. The idea of us possibly reconciling/or at least talking would be another plus. Again, thank you

Iam64 Mon 08-Jun-20 21:08:04

You have done the right thing in asking to be assessed. Please put that request in writing, to the social worker, copy to the Independent Reviewing Officer. Ask also about some kind of contact, as you don't seem to have seen them for a while, may be ask if you can send a small gift, like a book with a card. Ask if the children have photographs of family members, if you have any copy them and send them to the social worker who can talk with the children about them, if that is considered appropriate.

Iam64 Mon 08-Jun-20 21:11:24

Sorry I should have mentioned the children's parents. It seems as though relationships have broken down - is it possible to re-build? The main aim will be to return the children to their parents if that can be safely achieved. Social workers will be concerned about any hostility

welbeck Thu 11-Jun-20 18:53:46

i don't quite understand the situation.
are there addiction problems involved with the parents.
how long have the children been taken into care.
is S>S intending to keep them in foster placements, or are they looking towards adoption.
from what you write it seems there are 4 children. would you be able to cope with that many, have you the resources and space. and energy.
i worked with a man who took in his 3 grandchildren, with his wife.
they were well off, with large house and garden in the country, and he was very fit and active for his age. he found all the grilling by S>S draining, and of course it changed the plan they had for their retirement, which was put off, he kept working, and wife was a full time mother to small children again, in her 60s. it's a lot to take on.