Expectations from relations

I dont know how the fb 'works' but cant you block the messaging thing also then? If possible then i would.or as i said, FB is NOT compulsory.im sure theres more than me get along fine without it.?

Keep her blocked and make sure your privacy settings on FB are made to block her from seeing any posts from you. DD2 had this problem when her ex saw a picture on a joint friend's page and commented on it. She then found he had reactivated an old account so all blocked now! I think as others have said you should be guarded about seeing her at all as you absolutely deserve your retirement after all you have achieved through fostering for so long. And it will be great for your daughter and grandchildren to have you closer. Good luck x

I think you are being reasonable! I am not sure your cousin is. A few years ago one of my cousins tried to establish contact like this, trying to make us feel guilty for not visiting, even though we were bringing up 4 DC, both worked full time in demanding jobs and lived 2 hours drive away. Stick to your plans for meeting in town as it suits you. Good luck with your move.

Just send the yearly christmas& birthday cards if thats what you usually do, the others are right it would probably, sadly, be a mistake to even meet for coffee, but if you do, tell her in no uncertain terms you will NOT be making it a regular thing.you've moved to be near your daughter & her family, not everyone else.then cut it short tell your cousin you will ring him direct if you really feel you want to.but if you're not all that close& he understands why you're reluctant, why extend it beyond what you did before the move?Don't feel guilty that's what she's relying on.

Sorry for long post also, but stories do sometimes need a little background.-(But Face book has a lot to answer for i think, thats why ive never bothered with it) it is possible to live life without it entirely.

I think all others here are right, you need to block her on facebook, (even your cousins, if its separate) tell him yourself you want to stay in touch very occasionally, as you do now, but you have no interest in extending contact beyond that as youve too much on your plate at moment- im sure he will, as you say, understand.And maybe block the 'other page' she found out from too- or drastic maybe, but leave FB altogether?anyone you really care about you can ring, txt, or actually visit? I have never bothered with FB even though some of my AC are on it but i dont regret this as im not constantly 'caught up' in all the hoohah that goes with it!- the friending/unfriending, the blocking/unblocking etc.seems to be exhausting (my eldest AC talks of it) but I have an ex-hubby who i stayed good friends & in contact with (in real life, not fb) and over the years all my family have still visited him & their kids regard him as grandpa (and our own son visits him too)- he remarried a good few years ago & she & i made friends a bit (turns out she grew up near me, and my ex too, but i didn't really know her then) but since my ex has gradually become ill over years, shes 'attached' herself more to my AC, and she hounded my eldest on fb whose since blocked her- then she tried my AGD's fb page to get my DD to retaliate- my eldest son no longer uses fb too now.he just goes to visit them with the kids when he can.my ex's wife uses fb to post about how bad her hubbys illness is if he goes in hosp, and my kids find this appalling! (She milks it for the sympathy for herself) consequently all my AC have now started to dislike her a lot, now my ex could be nearing his end (hopefully not) but i can see this woman trying to keep a hold on my AC even when her husbands has passed on and they frankly just do not want her to.she does have a son of her own who has his own wife&kids but they dont live near her like mine do, and hardly ever bother with her.

Granartisan I blocked her some time ago as I really didnt want to see her posts, some of which were frankly racist
She can still contact by messenger, which is what she is doing

You have had none or little contact with either her or her husband for years and all of a sudden, she wants to be your friend?
I'd just send her a PM and politely say that due to the fact that you have managed to cope without each other for the last Nth number of years and would prefer it to continue! You really owe her and her husband nothing, even if he is related to you!
Then block her on Facebook.
Sorry, I really can't be bothered with people like her - you know that before long, you would be sucked into her dramas.

I am the mistress of passive aggressive avoidance. It's a very good technique for not getting involved with people I don't like.

If you put posts on Facebook, there is a facility where you can stop individual people from seeing your posts. Make sure you include her, so she can't follow your life and find out when your move has gone ahead.

DON'T read her Facebook messages to you. She can see when they've been read and will leap to respond.

As you said, they are Christmas card contacts only. You have nothing to feel guilty about. BUT if you begin being in contact, you will be lined up as fetchers and carriers and alternative carers.

If you had already known and had a relationship with then, I would think it was a little more acceptable that they insist on more contact. But as you haven't, you have NO responsibility to begin a relationship which you already know will end in you working for them.

Obviously, you shouldn't give them your new address, so the Christmas card contact from them will stop. You could, to show goodwill, continue posting a card to them, with no sender address on it of course!

The fact that you call her “‘This woman”, speak volumes. Have contact if you wish but only on your terms.

Lincolnimp you are not being unreasonable and more to the point you sound from your story as though you are actually a very reasonable person - I think there’s only one way to deal with this relative and that is to be honest even at the risk of causing a rift - and as she doesn’t acknowledge her son and his partner it’s likely that a rift will occur but this won’t have any impact on you. I would tell her that you are moving because of transitions in your own life which is pretty much full and mapped out and that you don’t have room in it to befriend anybody but you will happily do the meet up on neutral territory once in a while. If she doesn’t like or accept that block her on Facebook so you’re not on the end of her entreaties - and the other thing is to stoppages in her tracks if you hear her criticise your daughter - it’s bad enough that she feels she can disapprove of her own son but personally if an awkward family member we’re to moan to me about my daughter not being sufficiently sociable I’d give that person a piece of my mind - your relative seems to have a tendency to negative thinking - reject it.

lincolnimp - is that where you are from or where you've lived whilst bringing up your family? No need to answer - but it is a lovely city.

I think you may find it easier and kinder to meet occasionally than to cut her off. When arranging to meet (good idea to meet in town) you can put off a week or two as you 'find a space'. If you meet a second time, you can ring up and cancel because of an appointment or GCs' need, and arrange again for another few weeks' hence.
If asked to do something, you can certainly find it inconvenient for some reason.

You can be a bit 'dozy' with FB. I have 'unfollowed' people who I don' want to 'unfriend', but it means I don't see all their ramblings. I have then been known to say 'oh, I didn't see your message / post /whatever, sorry, I don't always get on with FB'.

You may not like to do this, as you are obviously a lovely person, but you could talk a lot about your own aches and pains and worries about managing (all exaggerated).

Are you in touch with your nephew? I had to make clear to my (usually lovely) mother that my relationships with other family members were not really her business. That helps you to say that your daughter's life is not your concern, that you are happy to help her, but who she sees and what she does is not your business.

I do wish you luck. you deserve a lovely retirement and I hope it works out well.

Ignore, ignore and just say no.
Agree with other posters : once you open up dialogue, it's the thin end of the wedge/slithering-time. .
Don't meet, correspond, and definately don't tell her your address. If cornered, just bluntly tell her you are neither interested or have the time.
You deserve to enjoy your life after your splendid fostering without having to look over your shoulder every five minutes.
Alarm bells are ringing loud and clear here : please don't ignore them.

Keep her at arm's length. I would certainly be far too busy for the first few months & then maybe a cup of coffee in town where you tell her all your plans for the hectic social life you know have discovered since your move.
Maybe suggest she looks around for a club of some sort to join- not your!!!
You deserve some 'me'time now!

stick to your guns, and don't deviate.Give some people an inch........ After a lifetime of tending to others needs and often being trampled on, ive decided only this week at the age of 64, i retire! hope you can too.

Gigi - I think you have made a mistake as you have added this to an existing thread on a different topic. You can ask Gransnet moderators to move the message to a new thread, where I hope you can get some advice. My own immediate thought is that you need legal advice - from CAB (look on line) or lookat tings like insurance policies or trades union membership to see if they give you some legal cover.

Please can anyone advise me or does anyone have experience of neighbours in a terrace house starting excavation works within 3 meters of there home staring works with out part wall agreement my neighbor has started this process due to her current extension done 12 years ago
She cane to sell her house 18 months ago couldn’t sell it due to her then builder not having signed the works off with local buildings control as she refuses to pay him all the money she owed him.
She tries to seek her house last year was unable to as the purchasers surveyor would not allow due to works not being signed off.
She has started 6 weeks ago having people hand did the internal house out of foundations no skip for the rubbish as obviously it’s being done underhanded i would imagine.
I came home 2 days ago to a huge industrial cement mixer mixing sand cement etc
I contacted her immediately and said we need to
Have a party wall agreement she said in a few days . I felt very nervous then sent a text message again asking her the same thing she replied in a few days nothing has been forthcoming. I there fore contacted my legal policy on house insurance and was told i need to write to her asking her to stop works until an agreement via in place i sent this recorded delivery for proof .
In the meantime i am worried about what to do as i h e to take out a court injunction paid for by myself up to £15000.00 which i don’t have & am feeling distraught as what to do.
Please has anyone else had a situation like this they could perhaps give me some Reccomended ady why to do
Thank you

She sounds desperate and lonely , and your kind heart may feel guilty for not “taking her on”. My thought: Don’t make any decisions about her until after you’ve moved, settled , and FC is placed. You sound like a natural caregiver , but you may not be up at that point to take on an “adult child “ IYKWIM - set your new boundaries For what is wise for you at that point ,and stick to them .

congrats on your wonderful fostering career! I was a foster carer & social worker for years. I would meet for coffee twice a year or so and then be too busy. She'll soon get the message, even if she grumbles about you to others they'll know why. I'm sure you're good at keeping boundaries, you'll have done many in your job, you're not being rude but you're rightly protecting yourself & family from difficult people.

Attention seeking user, change all contact details

So - unless you do what she wants, she will be "offended". So, should you not be offended, yourself, when she does not do what you want - i.e., leave you alone? This is the gist of the message you must get across to her. She has manged without you all these years - your moving house must make no difference.

I only have 2 cousins in the same country and they are both much older,they have children my age.I used to take my Mum to visit years ago bit when mum died I stopped going ,I send cards and flowers for birthdays but thats all.I dont have anything in common with them so dont see any need to see them or call them.Maybe thats the route to take with the cousin you have who wants "contact" ,keep her at a distance ,she's not involved in your life and you'd prefer she wasn't .Your choice how to deal with her .Just tell her you have a busy life and no time to spend with her for at least the forseeable future.Good luck with your move ,enjoy being near your family .

What a lovely person you are. Bringing up your own children and fostering as well!
You may be related but you have no relationship with this person. Don't let her muscle in on your plans and your thoroughly selfless attitude to what relationships actually mean. If she managed for all those years with only obligatory cards she can manage now. These are your twilight years too so spend them with those you love.
Love and huge respect to you!

If she wants to have more to do with your DD, maybe she should try attending their church? She would probably meet similarly like minded people and have less time for you?

Just a thought!

Hello Cousin, Just moved house. Much too busy sorting the place out for a meeting of any sort. Will be in touch when that eventuality takes place. Please, don't hold your breath.