Sign up to Gransnet Daily
Our free daily newsletter full of hot threads, competitions and discounts
Subscribe
I will try to be brief
I came from a small family. 2 siblings, nether of whom have children so tend to have more in common, and still live reasonably close to each other. We are 200 miles away so only see them occasionally.
We have 3 children, with 5 Grandchildren between them. Due to my DH's work, while our children were growing up he was away from home all week, at home for most weekends.
Consequently the children and I became used to being fairly self sufficient. Since they have left home/married we have a good relationship with them, but equally we do not live in each others pockets, though the oldest 3 grandchildren have had us very involved. in their lives since they were born as they live nearby
We have also been Foster Carers for 34 years , yes, even when DH was working away from home, and this has obviously been a huge part of our and our children/grandchildren's lives.
So, a close but not claustrophobic family.
DH and I are now retiring from Fostering, though still have our 110th and last little one with us.
Because we do not need our 5 bedroom Victorian terrace house anymore we are selling and moving.
Our daughter with the youngest grandchildren are now, by chance, living in a town very near to where I grew up, and we have been able to afford the perfect house for us very close to them. Even my usually reserved sil has said how much he is looking forward to us being near, as they have never had any family living near them throughout their married life.
All good, we are all really looking forward to the move.
BUT, one of my 3 cousins lives in the same town. We keep in touch with all three, but this one reduced the contact to the obligatory Christmas card many years ago. He and his wife have lived in the same house for over 40 years---important point.
Their one son lives with his male partner over 100 miles away, and his relationship is not acknowledged by his parents.
Cousins wife has apparently caused a huge rift with my other 2 cousins, her husbands brothers, and is also is a lady who has a list of ailments as long as her arm and says that her husband is essentially her carer
Now she has discovered that we are moving to the same town, and on facebook is demanding that we make contact, and befriend them 'in their twilight years' as they are 'family'
She became rather passive aggressive when I tried to tell her that we lead our own lives, still have our FC with us---until she moves to her adopters, are used to being our own family unit, don't see my siblings very often because that is just the lives we lead. She is also offended that our daughter has not made contact, but that is purely because our daughter is busy with her 2 young children, being a Methodist Ministers wife and working---and has never met either of them
DH and I are really looking forward to spending more time with our youngest grandchildren, and with each other, especially when we do actually say goodbye to being Foster Carers.
AIBU that I do not want to be drawn into this woman's life, which I feel would be the thin edge of the wedge
One more point, I am allergic to cats and dogs, and they have both in their home.
I will suggest meeting in town, once we are settled and our Little One has left us
Sorry for the very long post.
Recognize the 'Red Flag'. As a Fostermum you will be familiar with this phrase. This person will only bring you stress and trouble. I suggest making no further contact with her, including ignoring any overtures from her. Protect your own kind heart from abuse.
Well done with all your work with both foster children and birth family.
I would not meet up with this person. As soon as you do then things will get complicated and it will be harder to deal with the whole situation. In a way it's kinder to set the boundaries now, then she knows where she stands and has no expectations...the same for you.
Keep things simple, as they are now. Just no contact, no obligations, no guilt trips, you have your own life and family to care for. Enjoy your new home and new life, you have richly deserved it.
Any homophobia or racist remarks would mean a complete break for me. How you do it I am not sure. She cannot 'demand' contact whether in her 'twilight years' or not. Don't be bullied.
I would not reply, personally, I'd just leave it. I'd just send birthday and Christmas cards to be polite and carry on as before. But that's me. I'm not bothered how anyone sees me any more but just treat others how they treat me.
My half sister rallied the troops around her when her marriage broke up and I became very friendly with me, I saw her a lot. Along comes husband No.2 and I haven't seen her since! Awful behaviour. I still send her birthday and Christmas cards.
One of the things I love about "old age" is my ability to no longer give a toss what other people think - and that includes family.
Life is too short, we don't have enough of it left and we no longer own anyone anything.
She sounds like a bloodsucker who thinks she has an unused victim in her sights. Personally, I wouldn't even meet her for coffee.
I have dropped all my non-immediate family now that my Aged Aunt has died. I would much rather spend what time I have left with those I love and not those to whom I feel an obligation!
By the way, I've just turned 74 so I do mean old age.
Hi fellow yellowbelly??. I live round the corner, when are you free for coffee. Only joking of course. Lots of great advice on here already but ... can I suggest you put your big girl pants on and say how you choose to live your life. You don’t have to be rude, just firm. Straight talking. Thank you but no thank you. Some people need it and some people prefer it. Apologies if this offends anyone but blocking people could be hurtful too.
I wouldn’t meet up with her in town you both need to enjoy your lovely family and grandchildren .Spend your time caring for you family and not this needy person who hasn’t bothered with you over the years Enjoy good health unfortunately some people moan about every single ailment and there is lots they can do to help themselves I wish you very good luck
You don’t need to make contact and be in her life. You have obviously worked hard and done a lot of good things along the way and now you both deserve a happy retirement. You could meet up occasionally but ensure it’s onlt that. You have your own lives with your lovely family and shouldn’t let anyone encroach on that. Xx
Ah... the dreaded slitherer's! I'm sure most of us have some of those! A door stop usually helps. Don't be afraid to use it!
You have your own life and aspirations for your new future. You've no obligations to her at all. Maybe meet up very occasionally for a drink but beware of being drawn in to further interaction. Keep at arms length and, as others have suggested, always have an excuse ready!
You have an honest reason for not having to get into their lives, you're allergic to cats and dogs and they have both. Both animal's hair is usually carried on items of clothing belonging to the owners.
You don't have to lie.
It sounds like you will have more than enough family obligations to contend with, and have done more than your fair share of caring with all those foster children - wow! If some of her posts are racist, and she refuses to acknowledge her gay son's partner, these to me are "red flags" that this is not someone to get any closer to. I would block her on Messenger (to find out how go to Facebook's help pages). You can deliver her Christmas card by hand (preferably after dark) so she doesn't need to know your address. You sound like a kind person, and they can easily be manipulated. Be very careful.
I am a little confused as to why there is an immediate assumption that this cousin is looking for a carer. She may be really lonely and see this as an opportunity to have somebody around to talk to but it does sound like she has an unfortunate manner.
I think I would say it would be lovely to meet when I have more time and will be in contact when I'm ready. You can meet up for coffee in town and avoid making any further arrangements unless you want to. It all seems a bit of a storm in a teacup to me. Nothing obliges you to respond to anyone on Facebook and I believe you can block messages.
I do hope you get settled in and enjoy life with your husband. It is refreshing to read that somebody wants to spend more time with their spouse.
Don’t don’t get involved, not even for a coffee in town, EVER!
Being a cynic by nature, I would be looking at why she wants to be involved in your life at this late stage. It sounds like she hasn't made the effort in the past. I would be wary as she may be looking for another carer to fall back on. As before, I would set her right at the outset.
I totally agree with the majority of answers- she only wants to use you so give her a wide berth. She’s not had any contact except Christmas cards -so stuff her. Do as you please in your retirement and do not let this woman manipulate her way into your life, on a regular basis. Do not feel guilty - enjoy some time for yourselves.
Good advice regarding fb, amazing how cousins seem to appear out of the blue nowadays. We had/have a niece a decade or so older than our AC who took it upon herself to give them advice on how they should conduct themselves. Result after a lot of upset we have had to cut her off. This lady will make your life very difficult if you get involved, ignore the fb and don't give her your new address. If she had any interest in your daughter surely she would have contacted her when she moved in and welcomed her to the town, keep well away.
You can also block on messenger.
Just to say I have total and utter respect for foster carers . You have done a super job under most difficult circumstances. Enjoy your retirement 
Just Say No !
You are not unreasonable; in order for her not to know your address you'd have to give up the Christmas card, aside from this small change I would do nothing and ignore her. If that gets difficult then block her on Facebook, give Facebook up or start a new private account with carefully chosen friends that don't include her. She's chosen her life, you don't have to be a part of it.
Is this the cousin who is homophobic? I think that on its own is enough to make anyone not want to have contact! How awful not to accept one's son's choice of partner. Isn't that sad, here in 2020? (Well, at any time, obviously. But really.)
You owe this woman nothing, it says much about her personality that she has basically stalked you online and then demanded your attention. Don't get sucked in
Has your foster care training involved how to deal with bullies? They're in all walks of life. You must be used to being kind and assertive, so be that way towards her. It's as simple as that.
Yes, I agree with other comments, block her on FB, make no contact when you do finally move, get on with your own lives and enjoy your own "twilight years" . It sounds very much to me as though she is hankering after a carer, after fostering 110 children you have done your bit. Well done! Enjoy the new start too.
Don'
t give her your address!
Block/unbefriend her on face book. She is not your relative. Send the usual Christmas card. Do not reveal your new address. Get on with your life and your family. Engage in the activities you enjoy.
Congratulations on being such a wonderful foster parent. I am sure Social Services will be very sorry to loose you. Enjoy your move and your new life.
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
