Money to children

GoldenAge
I couldn’t agree more

It might be better if you offer financial support for a specific thing. When my nephew was having hardship I offered to pay a months council tax for him. I didn't offer him X amount of cash to chose what to do with. When sons car broke and was beyond repair I knew he needed it to get to work so offered him money to buy another second hand one. i made it clear money was gift for car so he could get to work and not lose his job. Both times gift was gratefully received and spent on on item specified. When I inherited money from my Mum I passed some on to each child and made it clear money was there's to do with as they wished. Dd paid hers off her house and both D's bought furniture with theirs.

I agree with Golden age. If you are concerned what money you gift is spent on give it with the clear message of what you want it spent on. We give our children some money each month that we ask them to use to over pay on their mortgage. In this way we are helping them towards a quicker repayment of their mortgages. If they then waste their own earned money that's up to them but we have the satisfaction of knowing we have helped them buy their homes. If money is given with an obligation for it to be used for a certain purpose the recipient can always refuse if they don't want to do that. We also pay for family holidays, that way we get enjoyment of shared time together and our children get to use the money they would have spent on a holiday on something else. My parents used to do this for me too.
You need to have a Frank discussion and explain how you would like to see money you give spent. If the recipient doesn't want this then they don't accept the money. If you don't want the discussion you you either don't give the money or if you give it you don't ask what happens to it.

Don't give them a penny more and tell your son to not help brother in law his parents should tell him to get his act together and they should give him a loan with regular repayments. People should look after themselves not expect parents or siblings to bail them out maybe you shouldn't have given them money either then they wouldn't have been able to help her brother

Buffy I wouldn't say anything to your son as you don't want to cause a lot of upset or a row. Just stop giving them money unless it is a special occasion.

Buffy good idea re looking at alternatives. It's hard but well done for being open to the advice ... hope you find something that suits!

Oh dear. We meant so well and it has all turned pear shaped.

You all seem to be agreed that a gift is a gift and none of my business how it’s spent once given. I will look into ISA’s or Trust Funds for my grandchildren instead. I definitely won’t be around to see how it’s used once they each reach 18. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Once you give money, it's up to them what they do with it. They're not little kids.

its up to them to sort out their money problems . i would advise them to seek help. no-way should your son help out...

My own opinion of giving to Children and Grandchildren is special occasions and if it’s the deposit on house, university fees or other event if it’s “needed“.
It’s much better if they run their lives themselves and within their means, that would exclude luxury items.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I would make it clear that if they have enough extra funds to support the brother then plainly they have no further need of help from you.

I don't understand why you are still giving money to your son and your daughter in law if they are doing well financially. I would also be furious if the in laws of one of my children dictated that they should help out a sibling - if they insist their son needs help financially it is up to the parents to help not your son and his wife. Your son sounds lovely for wanting to help but I do wonder if he is browbeaten by his in-laws.

While any money you have given them is theirs to do with as they want unless you have given it to help with a particular agreed event or purchase, I disagree with those who think you should just forget it. How do you know about this - someone must have told you that your son's in-laws have told their daughter and she should help her brother? In which case whoever it was has made it your business.

Like most on here, I regard gifts, once given as no longer my property.
If you aren’t happy about money you have given them being used for someone else, don’t give it. It doesn’t sound as if they really need it.
Don’t let the irritation swallow you up.

I must be missing something here.

I just don't see why you feel that your son would be supporting this relative, I am unclear whether it is his brother or brother-in-law, with YOUR money.

You say your son and daughter-in-law are comfortably off, so I don't see a problem. If you dislike him helping another person out, you don't need to give him any more money.

A gift, whether of money or goods, is no longer your property once you have given it away.

If you have given money for something specific, a deposit on a house for example, then if that money was given to someone else I would think that was disrespectful to the person who gave the money.

Just handing out non-specific cash is different especially if it wasn't asked for.

I have never given money as a gift unless it is wedding, Christmas or birthday. I buy clothes and nappies for the grandbabies and the odd bottle of wine for their parents. All greatfully received x

If you’ve given them money, then it is up to them how they spend it - even if you don’t approve.
I think you should draw back and wait until they ask you for money, and then ask them what they want it for. Then you could approve or object.

The money you have already given is theirs to do with as they wish. You could discuss it with them if it was given for an agreed specific purpose which it has not yet been spent on ( eg a new car) - but even then, it may just cause bad feeling.
You could buy things for them in future rather than give cash if that's feasible.
You should be pleased that you've brought your son up to be generous. Maybe just say to him in a calm way that you're proud of them wanting to help her brother but they should decide clear criteria as you have a friend/ acquaintance who helped a relative out and it got out of hand. The person became dependent and didn't manage to sort out their own finances ( or something along those lines).

Sorry that was for hithere

Totally disagree . “ do you need some money for a new car?” “ no thanks mum”. End of story Or”that’s really kind mum it would let us get a bigger car for the kids” fine

Buffy, it sounds as though your son has mentioned this to you in order to have your blessing to effectively pass on your monetary gift to him to this other profligate relative. You can only give your opinion honestly. But make it clear that you have worked hard, saved and probably gone without in order to be able to help him and his wife out cashwise. He/they, should not have discussed any cash gifts from you and your husband to them with the in-laws anyway. Tell him you are no longer in a position tocontinue with cash handouts so there wont be any more arriving to replace any monies they may choose to hand over. The couple in debt I fear will always be 'hard up' and will continue to seek handouts and be spendthrifts. They will both be responsible for their debt and will have to get off their seats and work hard to repay it, they could ask the other in laws for assistance or a loan. You have done your bit for your own son. Nothing is more certain to split a family up and cause long standing bad feelings as money or the lack of it. I think the marriage break up story is exactly that, a story to act as a lever to get your son to cough up.

If that couple (Your sons brother in law&partner) are now splitting up, then perhaps theyll be selling their house etc anyway, so any leftover cash can pay off their debts also- or if not maybe theyd be eligible for benefits of some kind, so dont need your son to bail them out??

Why are you giving them your money in first place if they're doing ok on their own already?If they have never asked why would you 'help them financially', why would you 'think they needed it'?? Clearly they didnt, and took it anyway- now either your DiL is as greedy about money as her brother is, or shes been bank rolling him all along? But yes why arent his OWN parents bailing the son out then? (Unless as i said, his sisters always done that, with money 'spare' from you before?) Why should anyone else bail out this spendthrift brother of your DiL? He will never learn if they do so? I would have stern words with my son, ask why he feels he has to do so? Ask what he&your DiL will do for money if they give it away now, then they ever need it? Tell him you won't be doling him out any more unneeded cash.Nobody knows whats going to happen in our fragile future in UK and if theres more covid waves there will be more financial strains/losses, job losses, business closures perhaps- who knows if your son& DiL will need their money themselves then- why are giving it away now to someone who is clearly living beyond their means?? The DiL's family sound a greedy, grasping lot to me who think theyre better than others, when they are doing it at others expence, including your DiL! Dont give them any more of your cash, no matter what they decide about her brother.