Family gatherings overload AIBU

May I ask the OP if she has ever sought any help with the social anxiety? I understand from others that’s it’s a disabling and thoroughly unpleasant problem. In my later years I would certainly try to combat it. Meditation, counselling and medication may all be helpful and think what a difference it would make to someone’s life to be free of this. I myself have sought help for another mental health issue and am so glad that I did.
I’m fortunate to have a strong and happy marriage to my DH2. However my DH1 died shortly after my 40th birthday. Sometime later I met DH2 who had also been widowed. We both know how awful and lonely this is and I would advise anyone to maintain all their relationships with family and friends as well as they can.

Dear Nagmad2016
You have no children, you suffer medical conditions, you live far from your extended family by choice. Please refuse all invitations and be truethful. Say you like your own company and do not like getting together with loud family members. I am sure your extended family are just being polite by inviting you. I am sure they do not want a grumpy, sick relative sitting on the sidelines of their party. I had always assumed this site was for grandparents.

Holidays of your choosing and social gatherings with friends who "get" you is different to family gatherings (more so if not your family) so I don't see what's difficult to understand. I would much rather go out for a meal/drinks with my friends than go to a family party with in-laws. Children's parties are aweful when you are older and your kids have grown up so I definately would decline those. As for some people never getting invited to family gatherings and feeling left out that dies not negate the feelings of people who, like the OP, feel forced to go. Can never understand those that have to make posters feel bad because their situation is the opposite of someone else's problems?

I think, if I were you, I would be offended if not invited to a family get together. However, I do sympathise with your finding these gatherings difficult. Why not just say that you are grateful for the invitation but, your Menieres makes these group activities uncomfortable. That way you can duck out quietly without giving offence to your sister-in-law?

Oh dear- I think it is a very kind thing that your SIL is doing and should be taken in that context. I'm sure that she is very aware that you lead quiet lives but would be concerned about hurting your feelings by not inviting you. Why don't you just telephone, thank her for the invite, have a nice chat with her and just say you won't be with them in person and could someone Facetime or Zoom for 5 minutes so you can say hello to your family. That doesn't upset anyone then.

Well everyone is different. I go out as often as I can, just had a long weekend at Potters holiday camp and soon my partner and I are off to Warner’s for four nights. As previous posters have said, just say no. But IMO life is too short to lock yourself away. I might add that I have just got engaged to my 77 year old gorgeous man and we intend to make the most of the rest of our lives

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Never do anything you don't want to do. I, on the other hand, rarely turn down free food!

So why do you read gransnet if you have no children and don’t even seem to like them ?!

I wonder what your husband thinks. I wonder if he would willingly attend your family events if you have them? Does he really just feel "obliged" to attend or does he want to attend and uses obligation as an excuse to get around your reluctance. I think it would be quite reasonable to say that you no longer intend to attend every event but he is welcome to go if he wants. Perhaps only attend the occasional smaller gathering to do that give and take bit that happens in marriages but leave the big stuff to him.
My daughter suffers from social anxiety and we always ensure there is a place for her to escape when it all becomes overwhelming if she chooses to attend. Over the years I have learned not to force the issue because the resentment builds up and causes more problems than her company would warrant. My DIL is the same and until it was explained to us, we thought she was very stand offish. Now we know, we completely understand and don't take it personally. Her ability to attend her own family gatherings is obviously based on a level of comfort she can cope with based on familiarity and that's ok too.

My sister in law doesn't really enjoy long family gatherings, she goes along to them but sets a time limit on staying and is usually the first person to leave - but everyone knows and accepts that she doesn't want to stay for hours on end and it is not a problem, we/they are just pleased to see her. Why don't you do the same with the invitations from your sister in law? Reply saying that you will be attending but that you will have to leave at xx time. Stick to it and it will become a routine and then you can decide whether to continue or decide to gently decline some invitations altogether.

I think that you should be glad that the family wants to include you in their get-togethers. There are so many people who are estranged, and never see their relatives.

Having said that, it's up to you whether you accept the invitations, but I certainly wouldn't refuse them all. Explain your situation to the family, and just accept a few for the quieter occasions.

That way you will keep your connections, but not feel overwhelmed by too much socialising.

I find a polite "that is most kind of you to invite me/us, unfortunately, on this occasion I/we must decline - and leave it at that. I found over the years people finally get the message and stop asking.
Another useful ploy is the family/friendship gossip, mention in passing that you find parties/family gatherings difficult to cope with and would rather not be invited. You can be sure the message will go round like wildfire. You should however be prepared for the inevitable comeback question for confirmation "yes, I am not comfortable in social gathering and tend to avoid them as much as possible".

Where does the idea come from that we shouldn’t have to do things we don’t want to do? If that applied to me I would have a grubby, untidy house and nothing decent to eat! It’s much better to be in the company of family or friends even for a short while as long as it’s safe in the current situation. Too many potential hermits on here and much worse since the pandemic. Self last, others first. This is how I was brought up and wish to behave.

@Nagmag2016

I think if you tell your SiL that your health problems make it difficult for you to attend family gatherings she would probably be very hurt, since they do not stop you enjoying other social events. My view would be that if she is kind enough to keep inviting you, and she must like you to do this, then you should at least try to go sometimes. I think particularly at this time the most important things in our lives are friends and family. Please don't cut off contact with either.

Having menieres is a good reason to refuse noisy get togethers. A gift and a thank you card should suffice to explain your absence.

People should not be having big family get togethers now and it's irresponsible and dangerous. Local guidlines tell us how we can mix with "one" other family, the maximum number of adults as long as there's room for distancing. These secret family get togethers are one of the main causes of local surges in the virus. The sooner we get fines for breaking guidelines the better.

CC90 how unkindNagmad2016 did not say that she does not like children but that she does not particularly enjoy children's parties. You don't have to have children to read Granset nor do you have to be female. Whilst I agree that your SIL is kind to invite you Nagmad2016 you are not obliged to attend. It really is your choice so do what makes you feel comfortable.

Menieres is a horrible disease and I understand why you don't like large gatherings, which make it particularly hard to have a one to one conversation when there is a lot of ambient noise. I never accept invitations if I don't wish to go and my friends know me well enough to know I mean no, and think no less of me. Explain to the family exactly what the problem is, and let that be an end to it.

I guess I’m not understanding what’s so insidious about the invitations? Surely that shows that you are in appreciated member of the family?

That said, an invitation is not a summons, and you should feel free to say no whenever you want.

I agree with you, Calendargirl, I think you or your husband should thank your sister-in-law for including you in family celebrations, but explain that it is not always possible to accept.

Who knows, at some time in the future you might be very glad to have somewhere to go.

Nagmad2016-you have made your feelings perfectly clear. You aren’t unreasonable &not ungrateful.
“SueDonim*-and others- hit the nail on the head...

Unless people have experienced Menieres,labyrinthitis or Vertigo, no one can appreciate how debilitating these conditions can be...(How well I know! )
Hope you can find a compromise with your SIL &family about the situation.
.........
To some posters who have criticised - one doesn’t have to be female/male/be married/ single/have children or grandchildren to join Gransnet. Just read the “gransnetiquette”...!

refuse the invite say your health is more important .any way big get togethers are not allowed ...

I can think of nothing worse than being press ganged into going to a party! Don't get me wrong, I love my grandkids to bit BUT to be invited to one of their birthday parties and have to be in the company of droves of other children horrifies me! I don't go and my AC don't expect me too either.

By her very insistence that they attend SIL is effectively bullying OP and her OH.

Stand your ground NagMad2016, you're an adult so assert yourself!

Who’s insisting she attends?

my SiL insists on inviting us

Hardly the same thing, and certainly not bullying!

I would sit my sil down -or have a nice phone conversation with her. Tell her you're really grateful that she wants to include you in family activities, but you have anxiety attacks in many social situations. So while it's lovely to be invited, you hope that she understands that these gatherings are really difficult for you and that it sometimes becomes impossible for you to attend. There's no need to be nasty about it, just explain the reality of the situation