to avoid my difficult sister-in-law even though we're putting her mum into care?

Totally agree with the responses of others that your DH should take control but it seems to me that you won't be insisting on that. Please be very wary of making any decisions regarding MIL's house, possessions etc as no doubt the SIL could object at a later date and maybe misinterpret your intentions.

Your husband has to "Man Up".It's his family and you've done all the donkey work for years.Why do something when you've got a skivvy to do it for you.You're making excuses for them both. ITS THEIR MOTHER NOT YOURS. You've done enough,it's their turn.Your health is more important.If the situation was reversed would they be doing everything for you? Ask yourself that.

You seem very kind, but stop being a doormat. Lots of good advice from other posters.

I understand what others on here are saying, about it not being the 50s or 60s. But you are not having her to live and for you to care for in your home. And everyone in care needs a family member outside to keep an eye on them, that way they receive the best care.

You have the moral high ground, and can be kind to your MiL by overseeing her care. Maybe your DH just can’t deal with it all, as it’s his DM. So you are doing it for him too, for his mother.

I have worked with carers and I mean family carers, and someone in a family usually does better at overseeing a vulnerable family members interests while they are living in care.
Sometimes when you really need help, you can insist that the SiL or DH takes part, a Hospital appt or one Care home visit now and again.

Good luck valdali.

nasty people are good at what they do,when you confront them,it rarely changes anything,it can make them worse,after all they have lots of experience at it.
Hard to do, but i would pull away and leave it to them more,
you have done your bit,your mental health is as important as your physical health,
I have a despairing relationship with a family member its best
i think to cut them off emotionally and be just civil with them,don't lower yourself to their level.
good luck

"Who has her power of eternity?

Off topic but that made me smile!"

It's these happy accidents that poems are made from

You are obviously not going to take a step back and leave the responsibility where it actually lies. Your husband is a businessman. Put all the needs/wants and decisions on an email as they happen. That way he can never say he was not asked/informed all along the way when you become the fall guy for any mishap decision making. Also put in email every decision mutually made TO SiL for her perusal and subsequent confirmation. That way you can at least be personally exonerated when things go wrong. Seems to me you really need to cover your back if your nearest and dearest are actually as irresponsible as you outline. Good luck.

Vivaldi, I will be in a minority here but I'm with you on "it's easier to do it myself". Of course your DH should step up but in the situation you describe it's just not going to happen, so probably better not to waste energy trying. Getting tough with the SiL would probably be more productive. I wish you well in this.

Before we all denigrate valdali's husband completely, it is quite possible that OP is a rescuer by nature and enjoys being the important one. The trouble is, it is equally possible that in her desire to help that she unwittingly sometimes crosses the boundaries so upsets SIL. We cannot be sure that in her upbeat cheerfulness that there isn't some trampling going on, all done with the best of intentions but irritating to someone especially if they are hamstrung by their inability to do the job. Dealing with other people's relatives is a very difficult area to balance.
My advice would be, if you want to be helpful, for you to act under instruction, valdali. If you don't get the instruction, don't act. At the end of the day, this is an area where it can cause lasting damage to relationships. Call a meeting and work out what your husband and SIL want done and make sure you put it in writing. It might hold the whole thing up a bit but it will take the pressure off you about upsetting anybody.
I hope you don't mind me putting a different perspective, valdali. You do sound like a lovely, supportive person and this is only a post to give balance rather than denigrating your helpful personality.

In reality, if your MIL lacks capacity, your husband or SIL are the only ones who can decide on their mothers care unless you have power of attorney. The care home will need a copy of it and will then only communicate with them. Only attorneys can register the LPA with the bank to pay the care home.

If there is no LPA, then someone will need to apply for Deputyship and that is usually next of kin ( unless there is no NOK) - you are not next of kin!

So, you will no longer be able to legally play such an active role and either your husband or SIL will need to be fully involved. Yes, carry on supporting your husband if you wish to but his sister needs to be involved, I could not imagine the upset to her if she is unaware of your intentions re the care home.

Why not send a brief text message if you cannot talk to her, to tell her to give her brother a phone call so he is forced to talk to her.

Valdali I do sympathise. You have been an absolute saint for your MiL. And I know that for some men it's almost impossible to stop thinking about their business and concentrate on family problems. And the SiL, well you have had to put up with her. I expect she's worried too.
But this is a crunch point. Others have pointed out that your husband and SiL need to have a Power of Attorney in place. Perhaps you could be the one to get the details and present it to your husband and SiL, saying you cannot do any more about it as you are "only" the DiL Good luck.

DH is being very selfish not to be involved with his own mother’s arrangements, no excuse.
Re your SIL ......your life is a garden, so weed regularly and get rid of anyone who causes you upset. Life is too short to allow others to drag you down ....

I 100% agree with hithere on your situation. I do feel you should delegate. Because by your post there is no other solution.

"I do delegate some of the texts & updates to him - but then with reminding him & nagging him - it is easier to do it myself."

Is it easier? It doesn't sound like it to me, would you he asking what to do if it were easier? Your husband will never change if you don't let him! Be kind to yourself and delegate.

Stop nagging him, stop reminding him about updates, if you get a text tell him what it’s about and then leave it to him.
It isn’t your remit to organise the care for your MIL, just leave it to him and his sister, it won’t take them too long to realise that it’s their turn to shoulder the worry. If he can run a company then he can sort his Mother out.

However, I don’t think that anything we say will make you change,

I was once told by a friend that if she lifted up my fringe my forehead would have ‘Doormat’ written on it, I never forgot that and I changed almost overnight from being a people pleaser to actually stopping and thinking about why it was always me that got stuck with other peoples Problems.

So I stopped, the doormat sign has long gone, I still help out, but I stop and think about whether it’s possible for the person to sort their own stuff out, and usually they are perfectly capable.

Leave your husband and a
SIL to get on with it, if something goes wrong you'll get it all the garbage.

When I married 32 yes ago it was just assumed I would buy all the cards/presents for my DH family for xmas birthdays but I refused as he had dealt with everything before I met/married him and to this day my DH buys for his family and I buy for mine.
It's not the 1950/60/70/80s
If you dont like doing it.
Don't!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Who has her power of eternity?

Off topic but that made me smile!

Let your husband sort out his sister. Do what you feel happy with doing and don’t over worry the situation.

I think you have to step back, as others have said. If anything goes wrong (financially or with the care home, whatever) it will be very easy for you to become the scapegoat. Much as you may care for her she's not your mother and you shouldn't have to make these decisions.

stella1949

So your husband AND his sister are unable to do anything - pretty convenient for them !

Surely in their busy lives they can spare a few minutes each week to speak to each other and share what is happening with their own mother.

I think you've been the "glue " which holds your family together for many years , and they are used to you doing everything. Take a step back and let them do something.

It's a very good ploy, isn't it, stella1949!

As long as there's a willing horse. Perhaps it's time the willing horse decided to have a break from shouldering all the family responsibility for their mother.

I greatly sympathise. The illness, Alzheimer’s, caused great difficulties within the family. Her passing hasn’t resolved matters.
Who has her power of eternity? That person should be making the decisions.......
Good luck.

It's not your fault that your SiL is like she is and hardly your fault that your husband puts his business before everything else and ducking out of his family responsibilities.
I too have been bullied in my workplace - both times by someone that was my manager. First one was a sociopath and the second one just didn't want me there! Until you have experienced it, you really can't understand just how it can affect you long term.
For your sake, I think you need to take a step back and leave the rest to your DH and SiL. If SiL complains, just tell her to take it to her brother - only help if she asks and I mean asks, not commands you to help.
By all means. when possible, still visit MiL and let the rest wash over you.
You can do this, look after yourself . You come first.

Just to also say you can then seek help and advice from the Public Guardian where the lasting power of attorney is registered.