to avoid my difficult sister-in-law even though we're putting her mum into care?

valdali you don't need to pussy-foot around your sil. At the same time you don't need to take on co-ordination responsibility because your OH is a workaholic. You have been bullied so are likely to be unassertive. This is something you would have likely developed had you given yourself a little bit of care and sought counselling to help you through the bullying. My advice would be to tell it straight to your sil and do the same thing with your OH - preferably if you can get them both in the same room at the same time and frankly as it's about their mother's future and ability to fund a care home via the sale of her house, that should be something you can insist on. You need to stand up for your own time and and energy. If you're prepared to do the admin, etc., they must be prepared to respond to you in a timely and constructive fashion and you should tell them that.

you delegate tasks concerning his mother to him.
just think about that. could there be a wider problem here.
you are colluding in your own mistreatment.
you were bullied at work.
and are put upon at home.
and blame it all on SIL.
that's convenient. esp for OH.
please value your life, and health. no one else will bother.

Lindsey I think you need to start a separate Thread for your question

You can't avoid your sister-in-law, as it is her mother we are talking about her.

You can, however, limit personal contact by e-mailing her about things.

You can and should tell your husband that it is his mother and his sister, so he can't just shrug it all onto your shoulders.

In your place, I would tell him what has been decided or is to be decided and insist that he rings his sister to discuss it with her.

Lindsey I think you need to start a new thread …

Dear Valdali,

You have a lot on your plate. Would it help you to ask whose responsibility is this in your situation?
Sometimes we walk in and take responsibility for what isn't actually ours.
Secondly, going back to your depression. It is highly likely that you are suffering from a form of PTSD. It would benefit you to see a trauma counsellor to work out where the depression is coming from.

I wish you well in your situation and really hope that you can find a more satisfactory way through, without having to deal with other people's disrespectful behaviour.

I was married to a narcissist for many years and even after divorcing him suffered from depressive episodes for six months of every year until very recently.

It has taken me until a month ago to be able to put the phone down on him when he was telling me that he considered what I said to be "a load of old bollocks'.
A psychotherapist has advised me to work with a trauma specialist if I need more support, and I now begin to realise after many years the consequences of living with this abusive man and the toll it has taken on my life.

I hope that you are able to resolve your situation and find a less stressful way through.

Valdali - My heart goes out to you as I too have been mobbed in the Workplace. It is proving to be the most horrific thing I have been through, and I have had my fair share of bad events. I have PTSD as a result of what they did. I had been there 14 years and a new department manager was appointed. Within 2 years I was Targeted by her. She somehow managed to turn management against me and acquired 2 other women to help her with the covert psychological attack. If it wasn't such a tragic situation, it would have appeared farcical with all the unbelievable lies they told.
Management closed ranks with Governors and HR. I wasn't in a union and didn't have adequate support. I defended myself which must have made them think all their Christmases had arrived at once.
Anyway, my life needs rebuilding and I know I have an incredibly long journey ahead of me. I wish you very best wishes for the future. Any tips you have for life after Mobbing would be warmly received.

I had POA for my mother-in-law. It made no difference in the end. One of her sons stole everything of value (mainly cash) from her house, DH had no interest in looking for a suitable care home but SIL flew over from USA to make the arrangements - purely in order to be able to boast about how much she’d done - and the home only wanted my signature when they realised I held the purse strings. They used to be a close and loving family but now I have nothing to do with them. Don’t envy you at all, but if you don’t face up to your SIL you’ll be the loser. DH won’t be working forever - he’s your other half & you know how best to handle him. I think you should carry on helping MIL but have some seriously strong, even disgusting, things ready to say to SIL if she plays up. I’m serious. She’s been getting away with this for too long and needs a good (proverbial) slap. Also, call her mental state into question while you’re at it.

My son and DL have been trying to start a family for a while. They have just got the results back to say that they can't. The only option is IVF which is 60% chance of working and costs £10000. They live in Spain but are not Spanish so no NHS. My DL is nearly 40 so time is running out. I am so sorry for them but dont know how to help/ what to say. Adopting is out of the question because they are in rented accommodation and Covid has destroyed my sons livelihood. I already have 3 grandkids so my sadness is for them not me. Any ideas on how to console them?

valdali Your original query was about how to deal with your SIL so...

Can I ask, how do you respond to her now when she is "happens to be in a nasty mood"?

I would suggest that as soon as you get an inkling of nastiness you state clearly "I am not going to listen to/tolerate/put up with/respond to...(whatever the nastiness is)" So we can discuss this when I don't have to!" And then leave!!

I suspect that she will soon realise she can't take you for granted anymore!

I completely understand where you are coming from.

If your sister is on face book, why don't you pm her, if you start to feel pressured, just take a break from her she won't be able to message you that way or write to her and tell her that there's so much going on that you'd prefer written communications. If you don't like the response just tear it up and into the bin it goes.

You sound like a very kind person (maybe a little bit too kind for your own good?), so I'd continue to do what you do for your MIL. If the SIL gets awkward and upsets you, say something along the lines of "Don't talk to me like that," then walk away rather than get into a row discussion with her.
I also had an issue with bullying at work (a female boss with mental health issues, which she took out on me) and that usually worked. It made me feel as if I was doing 'something' and usually kept my upset to a minimum for the time being. She didn't change, but the moment when she upset me was then gone - temporarily, but it helped the immediate situation. Good luck. xx

You could avoid her but in the long run it might be easier to express your needs and set boundaries. I was a caregiver for 14 years and in hindsight I wish I had set boundaries about how I should be treated. There are some books about how to be assertive-https://bookauthority.org/books/best-selling-assertiveness-books and even online courses these days. I hope it gets better for you.

My OHs relatives can be difficult. I also looked after MIL and OH was working flat out and not able to do much at times. However, it was his role to take on anything difficult or contentious, to manage any unpleasentness, rudeness etc and to ensure everytone remembered she was their mother not mine, so what I did was to be apreciated, not to be taken for granted, and that they behaved properly. Any less is deeply unfair on you!

I think it is time for a few choice words with SiL and point out that you are doing all you can, and if she would like to take some of the responsibility, you would be happy to share the workload. Be careful of being taken for granted. I cared for my mother for 20 months and had all of the platitudes, but very little help when it was needed. Caring is a very difficult task and you need to care for your own well-being too. Perhaps a word with DH wouldn't go amiss. Don't let her grind you down.

It's a huge amount of work to pack up a house (voice of experience). Your kind nature should be directed at your MIL - let her decide what to take into the care home and help her move it. Then say to DH and SIL, your DM is sorted and I'm here to help with the house if you need me. Don't mention it again until they do. Unfortunately for them it's their DM and you actually have no rights, so they will need to step up.

From what you have said, am I right in thinking it’s only your sister in law’s behaviour which upsets you, and you don’t actually mind doing things for your mother in law? If so, then could you tell your sister in law that your husband will keep her informed?
I’d agree with others about the Power of Attorney, though, mind you, sometimes family members can suddenly show an interest, especially if there’s money involved.

My MIL came to stay with us when she couldn’t live at home anymore. It was to be until her house was sold and she moved into a one story apartment. She needed nursing for a couple of weeks. ( My DH is the eldest. I am a nurse.)
7 months later, she moved into her new place. Things had got increasingly fractured between her and I. We were both pleased she moved. Unfortunately, she spent most of her time complaining about me to her daughter, who couldn’t help. My DH stayed later and later at work. I was alone.
The relationship has not survived. My relationship with my DH is changed, because I felt that he did not support me.
Be very careful.

It looks like you have at least two choices here.....You can continue to do what you're doing and possibly get bullied anyway.

You can decide you've had enough and let both DH and SIL assume what is their sole responsibility....(and possibly get bullied anyway).

Did I say 'at least' two choices?....because there is a third!

Let DH and SIL assume what is their responsibility and possibly get bullied anyway.

The only upside here would be for you to summon the courage to stand up for yourself for once and for all.

it's your call

you have got to take off the kid gloves asap.it's your call.

Well I wouldn’t be treating your SIL with kid gloves, I think your DH despite being a workoholic should be doing more, and I wonder why there’s no power of attorney in place, it seems that you are doing soo much and obviously have her best interests at heart,

You have been their catspaw for too long - tell them that now their mother is in the home, it is time for you to Exit Stage Left and let them do the honours. And then... Exit Stage Left.

Your MIL will be safe and looked after in the care home. What happens to her house, and who pays the bills isn’t relevant to you. Just tell your husband and SIL that they will have to sort it out, then forget about it. Visit the old lady, take her flowers and treats and help her to feel comfortable in her new environment. Treat yourself to some outings, or even a short break somewhere, if you feel safe enough.
When they realise that someone has to sort out your MIL’s stuff, and that it isn’t going to be you, something will get done about it. If it isn’t, well, it’s not going to do you any harm, so why worry about it?

Difficult, I know, but perhaps you should just tell your husband that, although you have been helping mother-in-law up to now, it has come to the stage that you feel it is no longer your place. As her children, they should be doing the organising. You then need to step back and let them take responsibility.