Must be a Bad Grandma

Quite agree phoenix

Good heavens alive!
Just say NO.
Dont do it. You are not the hired help.
Her kids, her problem.

It was all going well till the cat ate the hamster.

Thanks G, beach is a consideration which none of us would be concerned about in rain as long as it wasn't cold. Little bit of a trek but it has stimulated thought. Again.... thanks.?

How old are you? Some grandparents seem quite old these days and perhaps lack the energy to cope with young children.I was a Gran at 52 but I know friends who have young grandchildren and they are in their seventies.I so enjoyed my 4 grandchildren especially when they came to stay with us without the parents. My husband had great fun with them making bows and arrows etc.

Totally agree that not all grandparents want to be babysitters. I love my granddaughters but I stayed home to look after my three kids, we didn’t have foreign holidays or spoil them as we only had one wage. I felt that they were my responsibility to care for, not my mums. If my children were in need of emergency childminding I would be there in a heartbeat, but I don’t want to commit to something I know I would resent. Luckily my kids know me well and none of them would expect me to babysit on a regular basis , they know I’m the bad influence anyway!

I am so glad you posted this as thought it was just me. Have never admitted to anybody before how boring and stressful I find it. Have two year old twin granddaughters who I love very much but, they are 2 and there are two of them ? it’s so full on. Had them for a sleepover last week. They go to bed at 6pm at home and sleep through. 11.30pm here before they settled. I nearly lost my mind ? couldn’t just leave them to get on with it as they were bouncing all over the bed, opening drawers and cupboards. Don’t want an accident on my watch.

You are not a bad grandma no one is. You are entitled to do as you wish and deserve to. I am living in an annexe at side of one of my sons and get asked to help out. If I am no t able to fair enough he and his wife understand. Me and hubby moved into annexe last year I finished work early and we both feel we need to enjoy our retirement. Good luck with saying no it is hard but your time and space should be respected.

So difficult when you can see they are not disaplined .we are very lucky all of ours are well behaved, I wouldn’t be babysitting them, but then I would actually feel sorry for the children who weren’t given boundaries, it’s such a shame that this happens

Mamie5 I know just how you feel! When our first GC were born I was determined that we were not going to become convenient childminders, especially as we lived right next door to them. However, they viewed our home and garden as an extension of theirs. They were polite, loving and fairly well behaved but very very loud and boisterous, and just there ALL tbe time. We seemed to be top of the call list for school runs, picking up shopping and baby sitting. When early one morning I found them eating their way through the contents of my kitchen cupboards, including a birthday cake I had bought for my husband, I said enough is enough! We decided to move and put some space between us. We now enjoy their visits, they're still noisy and boisterous, but when they return home we can relax and recover until the next time, and we are not called upon to babysit - we're too far away. We have done our child caring duties with our own children, I don't want to do it again with another generation. The geographical distance betwèen us has not affected our relationships with our AC or GC in fact I would say we're perhaps closer because of it. Long distance grandparenting is perfectly possible.

So, as others have said, just explain calmly that you're more than happy for them to visit, or you visit them, but babysitting, childminding, school runs and sleepovers are a bit too much for you now. Set the ground rules. Hope it all works out.

Another bad granny here! I like having them now and again , and enjoy when the older ones pop in to visit, but I would never have wanted to do regular childminding.
I’m also quite surprised when I see grans on here asking for advice on what they should do about children’s health, behaviour etc. It would never occur to me that it was my concern, and I’d always just go along with what the parents wanted.

Sorry, DH, not J! Not used to posting

No, you are not alone. My guilty feelings are compounded by DJ being the complete opposite. He worked long hours when our children were young and didn't see enough of them. He now wants to be with our grandsons (6 and 8) as much as possible and we are the main childcare for them. I love them dearly but do find it too much at times. I lose in the good grandparent stakes!

I am pleased we all seem to be in agreement, could you ever take one out on their own to build a relationship with each one? It's exhausting being a grandparent, even if it is wonderful for some. Play on that and say you would help on your terms. Best wishes

How often are you baby sitting? If it is supposed to be a regular commitment then, if they are in your home, it is your rules that apply during their stay. I had to make that clear to my now ex son in law when I was asked to look after my grandchildren to help out with their overlapping shifts. What they allow in their own home is up to them but, like any other guest, you need to state that it is YOUR home and that the GC need to respect that and you. But, as the saying goes, what goes on at Grandma's stays at Grandma's, so if you are baby sitting at their home their rules will apply. If you don't want to commit to a regular baby sit pattern you need to say so and offer dates and times when you can help. I had a friend who was reluctant to baby sit her GC but she solved her problem by arranging to have them when the Library was open and offering Baby/Toddler play sessions that they loved going to and Gran could sit on the couch and watch them enjoy themselves, a stroll home through the park and then a light lunch and her allocated hours were done!. Lots of community centres run similar classes (Covid 19 rules permitting) so that might be something to look into

I agree, when my Grandchildren were small I collected them from Nursery/ School at times when they didnt have anyone do do this, but I have never been involved looking after them on a specific day each week, I didnt want to feel bound again after retiring,I did what I could and feel happy I could help out when needed.I think soon the Grandchildren will be looking after me!

If applicable now, you can decline the babysitting because there wouldn’t be any social distancing with the children. When things get back to normal, I would aim to do as little as possible and if they’re in your care, they need to do as you ask. None of this is unreasonable. I feel I’ve had my years of bringing up kids and I love my GC but don’t want to look after them! You’re not alone!

I am another who doesn't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I would try to find a polite way of saying that I can't babysit, especially as the children are being brought up in a modern manner that you just don't understand.

On second thoughts, don't comment on their upbringing.

One day your DIL will come complaining because her children don't behave well. Then you can say that that may well be the result of not having taught them to be obedient when they were small.

I used to think that my childhood was over disciplined but the more I look at children now the more grateful I am that I had boundaries and was taught right from wrong. I think I was happier than some of the children now who just seem confused. I enjoy my grandchildren but am wary of ever disagreeing with patents.

If the children are in your house then it is your rules. Say no sometimes when asked to babysit. They will stop asking as much.

My mother thinks I am terrible that I don't want to have my grandchildren full time or to tie myself up into long standing arrangements. I keep saying to her that I have been parenting for 35 years, had 2 elderly people, one with dementia, during that time and looked after my autistic grandson up to 2 days a week for the last 3 years. I just want some time off to travel and do my own thing for a while. I don't regret a moment of parenting or caring but I don't think I am being unreasonable to say enough is enough.

As for the rules for parenting, I don't have to agree with the parenting style my children adopt. I respect their choices because I have had my time making the rules and although my children have mainly turned out ok, I wasn't a perfect parent and I don't have the knowledge that their children won't turn out fine. I remember watching friends and smugly thinking that their children were going to end up being unable to fit into society because they were so relaxed about things but they have all been fine. It has taught me to be less judgmental and consider there is more than one way to skin a cat!

I too brought up 4 children but I am reluctant to babysit
or look after any Grandchild without the parent around,
because I simply don't want to. The most I do is sit in
an indoor play area while the Mum shops but I even refuse
to drive with them in my car , it just makes me too nervous.
My children have accepted this and know I'm not a 'hands
on ' Grandmother. I never made a declaration of 'non intent' it just happened that way.
One of the other Grandmothers is very involved and drives
my daughter nuts.

I live 150 miles away from GC so am spared baby-sitting duties. But...once, when I was staying with DS2 and family, he and his partner were invited to a wedding and I 'looked after' the boys (7 and 9). I thought they were suspiciously quiet and when I looked outside, I saw them dancing stark naked on the roof of the outhouse where DS had 'thoughtfully' left a ladder. It was February - an unusually mild one, but nevertheless!
Definitely not a granny to be trusted!

Well I guess everyone is different. I loved looking after my 2 year old grandson, 5 or 6 days a week for over a year. They are now living overseas and I can only FaceTime them. My dil's mother does not want to babysit so they don't ask her. My dil's mother does not want to be called grandmother or talk about having several grandchildren. So the children are taught to call her some made up sound (not a nickname). I am sure the children will all grow up and love her but I watch from the sidelines amazed how other families interact. The poem This be The Verse by Philip Larkin always comes to mind.

Is there anything wrong with saying that when in your home that they will be expected to behave a certain way?
When my twin niece and nephew were school age, they used to run rings round their mother but when my parents were babysitting, they had to behave a whole lot better!
In fact my niece said to my dad once "but Mummy lets me" to which he said that mummy may well let he do certain things, but when in his house, she would be expected to do as she was told! In fact, as soon as they heard their mother's voice when she came to pick them up, they started misbehaving (their favourite at one point was to throw their dinner on the floor!)