Must be a Bad Grandma

My daughter clearly doesn't know how lucky she is to have me! I love my GS to bits and have him anytime. He is exhausting but he'll be a teenager in the blink of an eye.

I had a lovely relationship with my paternal grandparents. They adored me and I adored them. Their love warms me even now, GM has been dead for 45 years and GF for 30. I'm trying to replicate that with my GS.

Mamie5 - OMD - I am exactly the same - it's Tuesday today and I am half-way through my weekly ordeal - looking after grandchildren - two girls (aged 4 & 7).Have them Mon-Weds from 07.00 am to approx.2.30 in the afternoon and due to poor health spend Thursday to Sunday trying to recover.Do not remember being asked to do this - it just kind of happened - had the younger one - which I could cope with - and then closure of schools (covid) - meant I was expected to look after the older one as well.Love them to bits but they fight like cat and dog and eat me out of house and home - spend the majority of my time standing in the kitchen.They have folders of homework that I have compiled and do with them - pencils,crayons,paper - access to garden bikes/scooters etc etc.And they still constantly argue -whinge - answer me back - so I agree with all you say.Whilst I love them - I feel put upon and stressed.My daughter is contrary - choosing not to work when she was childless and deciding she needed to when she had her children.Roll on Thursday - all the best to you - I sympathize.

Our position is that we love the GC to be bits, but just as we love to see them come we are also quite happy to see them leave! We are fortunate because they all live locally so we know we will see them again soon.

We got over the pain of babysitting in their house by having them sleepover. Works for us and works for their parents who get a lie in the following day. From day one our DD made it very clear to the kids that in our house, they followed our rules. Fortunately our parenting styles are very similar.

So far no problems but the teenage years are getting closer!

I feel for you Mamie, I did criticise one of mine and now I'm cut off from all contact.

Short visits are the best, you have done your bit, let them get on with it

I am not a granny and probably never will be. I brought up my own two boys and really enjoyed their childhood. They were brought up to be considerate of others and they had boundaries. When I see grandparents struggling with badly behaved children today who seem to think that they can do exactly what they like with no consequences I breath a sign of relief thinking thank goodness that’s not me!!!

I have one granddaughter, a girl who is four. I love her dearly and look after her when I can. This isn’t as often as I would like as they live just a little too far away for me to drop everything. I did that once though when her other grandma was on her deathbed. When she was quite small I looked after her for three days while her parents went on holiday! I was exhausted. She is very well behaved but her parents are extremely strict about food. Hardly any sweet things and water if she’s thirsty. She is thriving on it though! But, when they come to us, spoiling does happen! Nanna’s homemade chocolate ice cream with Nanna’s homemade chocolate cake! Yummy!

Mamie5. I could have written this myself. The last time I had my son’s two daughters during the day it started off well. I’d assembled some crafts for them and they were relatively well behaved. It started insidiously. Teasing which got out of hand and egging each other on. They said that I’d been swearing and one of them told my husband that I’d smacked her very hard and it hurt. It took me back to schooldays when I’d had run ins with certain types of girls. It was horrendous. But it worried me because throughout my working life, although I’ve had lovely friends I’ve also come up against bullies who’ve put me down. And I’ve always wondered what these people saw in me that made them think they could treat me this way. And now I’m wondering what a six year old could see. Phew! That was an unexpected turn for me!

They seem to think you love it and are always ready tell her straight no thanks

Well I'm a bad grandma as well because as much as I love my gc I do not want to look after them. My dil and I don't get on so they usually visit with DS. We have been asked to have them couple times in an emergency but my stbxh is the one who agreed to that. Fortunately my DS is quite firm with them but dil would let them run riot just to do the opposite to what she thinks I would find appropriate. Dont see them loads but do facetime and they visit about once a month. That's certainly enough for me I find small children funny, fascinating but very tiring.

If it's any consolation, I considered my brother's children to be undisciplined and almost feral at times when they were little, but now they are adults they are some of the nicest, most caring people you could ever wish to meet. My grandchildren, like many others these days, have more free and easy lives than my kids but I have concluded that so long as they are loved they'll turn out ok in the end - it's just a different way of parenting than perhaps people of our generation had. When I look after my grandchildren I just keep this in mind, bite my tongue, and accept that this is the way my DD chooses to bring them up and I respect her decision.

I’m ? with you Mamie5. In fact I could have written your post! Mine are rude and undisciplined too and dil has zilch behaviour management skills. I dread them coming to stay. In fact last time I made them decamp to other gp’s as I couldn’t stand it another night. Poor son is desperate to escape the relationship as the marriage is going downhill rapidly. Dil is a tricky customer so I just shut up and keep my head down ? p.s. I love the kiddies but don’t like their behaviour of course ?‍♀️

I’m looking after my granddaughters 4 & 6 during the week until school starts again. They play beautifully together with lots of imaginative games and very little tv. Very rarely a squabble or crying. THEN my daughter arrives and chaos reigns. Maybe they are punishing her for leaving them with me. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, give it a try. I am quite firm with them and they do as they’re told so we all get along well. Easier without daughter here than with.

Can you say to the parents “I can’t babysit any more because the way your children never do as I ask is very stressful and not very safe?”

Horton1828 I could have written exactly the same as you. I love my grandchildren ( 3 of them ranging from nearly 11 to 1) but can’t manage than all on my own- individually it’s ok.
I thought I felt this way because I’d worked with Primary aged children until I retired 3 years ago.
Feel I’ve done my bit but conversely now he has more time it’s Grandad who’s keen to have them... missed out maybe when ours were little?

Children don't seem to be taught volume control theses days. Couple with child of around 3 years moved in next door recently. Child routinely screams the place down in fits of petulance at least four or five times a day when she doesn't want to do something. Husband works away. I wonder why? I would be happy to babysit a child with manners. I do appreciate that young children unable to verbalise have to shout to express their needs.

It's difficult, especially if you feel you are being 'used'. If you are stressed out by looking after them, then that may affect your health and then you won't be able to do it. It would be nice if they were warned to be good for Grandma. Perhaps you should give them a severe talking-to for their unacceptable behaviour when you're there and 'consequences' for their bad behaviour (see Super Nanny). That would be completely reasonable, but probably still exhausting. You could always resort to some old fashioned bribery - "if you ... then ..."! Grandma's can get away with this I think. If your DIL and son don't like it, then perhaps they won't ask you any more! The children are probably crying out for some secure boundaries. But if you don't want to do it any more, and who can blame you, just say so and explain why, though you love them dearly. Hopefully, there are not issues like ADHD with the children, because that would need some specialist advice. Good luck.

Beach mostly for me Kim. I check the tide times and we go at low tide. Huge empty beach, rock pools, digging. He can run free and safe. It's heaven. The best summer I've ever had.

You’re not a bad grandma. You are not obliged to look after grandchildren and if you are stressed it’s time you stopped and simply let ds and dil look after their own children. Generally, grandparents are unpaid help and it’s as if we are there for our children’s convenience. Make the gks welcome when they visit with their parents and leave it at that.

Do what is right for you. Sometimes you just have to say no. If I am caring for GCs, usually in their home , it’s my rules. However my S and D have in the main similar rules. Nothing worse than rude, disobedient children. In saying that they all have their moments! Make your decision and don’t feel guilty about it.

I'm with you Mamie5. Fortunately our lot all live too far away for anything other than rare, desperate babysitting duties.

I just don't understand (lucky me I suppose). When our daughter was small, if she ever spent time with just her Grandparents she was better behaved than at home - she wanted them to like her, and was vaguely worried about incurring their criticism. They were of course, lovely to her, but a bit of a look or a silence was enough to make their point if necessary. Why on earth you should have to civilise grandchildren!!! - They are not fit to be left with you until they can behave better.

Maybe there is an advantage to my GC being in Australia! but it’s a shame to be missing so much of their changes during this lockdown.

Thank goodness it’s not just me! Here’s me always thinking I’m a bad grannie.
Yep, I feel the same way as most. No longer have the patience, disagree with their ways of parenting, no longer have the energy. I love when they visit and then love when they leave... then spend and hour or so cleaning and looking for sticky finger marks and empty drink cartons etc ?‍♀️

I love minding the GC and do so whenever I have the opportunity/availability. Not done so recently but just wondering how all you GPs manage on a rainy day when no commercial outlets are available in this Covid confusion. There are only so many pictures/games one can play in a day. My norm would have been to go to a swimming pool, playpark, museum et al with a fun snack thrown in. Hats off to all of you who achieve this.