Must be a Bad Grandma

travelnan

This may seem odd to many of you Gransnetters, but I am only too pleased that I do not have, nor likely to have any grandchildren. Anyone else feel the same?

Definitely not. I can’t imagine a world without them now.

That’s not to say I don’t have other people and interests in my life - I’ve plenty. But my grandsons are an absolute joy.

travelnan

This may seem odd to many of you Gransnetters, but I am only too pleased that I do not have, nor likely to have any grandchildren. Anyone else feel the same?

Nope. I really wanted grandchildren. Don't know why, because I was never broody about having a child of my own (only have one). It DID occur to me that the real thing might not be as good as my imaginings. However...

My accidental grandson is the best thing in my life, ever, by a very long way. He leaves me incandescent with joy. And fortunately, he loves his old Gaga too.

This may seem odd to many of you Gransnetters, but I am only too pleased that I do not have, nor likely to have any grandchildren. Anyone else feel the same?

Strange isn’t it? We are all different and that is okay. Before I had grandchildren I thought I wouldn’t want to babysit, but since he has been born I love having him. Sadly his mother died when he was 4 and so that upped our involvement but it was easy as the relationship was already there and we lived within walking distance. He has a room at our house and clothes and stuff too. When my son remarried we had a bit more time off! But we still have him after school once a week at least, and for a week or so at a time during holidays, to give them some time... It works for us. We do a seaside holiday with him every other year too... simple pleasures like crabbing and ice cream on the beach... he is 11 now and this won’t last for ever... he’ll have other interests...

Mamie5, no you're not alone and don't have to feel guilty! I had 4 children too and have babysat for all of their offspring. However, even if they didn't realise it, it's always on my terms! My parents, especially my Dad, was very hands on with my 4 and I know that's been 100% positive in the way they are today. But I see now that it was all on their terms. I was informed where they'd have them and what they'd be doing. I do the same with mine. I say where I'll have them and what we'll be doing. It really does work! Things had to change after I had a stroke a few years ago, but again, as long as everyone knows what's expected of them, being a Grandparent should be a joy! Do not stand for any bad behaviour ~ from anyone!

Yes just say no, as they don't behave for me sorry.

Opposite problem here, my son and dil and gd live far (12 hour car ride) from me so I only see them once or twice a year. I would love to be more involved and be able to establish a relationship with my granddaughter. I feel that she won't ever really know me (she's almost 2 now). I would be thrilled to babysit, but it will never happen. I was very close to my own grandparents - one set lived down the street and the other I spent summers with so I had relationships with them from birth through adulthood. I do understand that this is not for everyone and now realize how exhausted my grandparents must have been suddenly taking care of 4 little ones all summer! They were great at it and wanted to do it, but it should be your choice not something forced upon you. Spend as much time with your grandchildren as makes you happy and don't apologize or feel guilty for not being the nanny or defacto sitter. They are not your children to raise or be responsible for. Don't fall into the trap of feeling guilty for having a life now that your own children are grown and flown. Enjoy them and let all the rest go.

I love looking after my GS. He makes me amazingly happy but I'm a teacher so I do have other responsibilities involving kids,obviously. I've tried to compromise by going part time and just having GS one day a week to help out.

These threads always surprise me.
I'm half expecting a storm of outrage, but people admit to feeling the same.

I'm so glad I am not the only one! I love all of mine but never wanted to be their regular carer, thanks very much. Been there, done that.

Well nanniejude I live in another country and I'm with the OP. Just relieved that I cannot be more than casually involved with this generation of children who are so spoiled, demanding and often downright rude. I cannot understand where the idea came from that modern parenting is about total indulgence. How are these kids going to manage out there in the big bad adult world?

I agree though. You shouldn't have to look after the kids if you don't enjoy it. I look after 3 others one morning a week and we have a lot of fun but after 4 hours, both my husband and I take a 2 hour nap. I could not, and would not, do it every day. Once a week is great though. Night time is too hard also. I would rather be at my house than putting kids to bed. Its just too full of effort that I don't have stamina for anymore.

me too. dil cant stand how they love me. her solution is to not allow me to see them and they live 10 minutes away. she says its because i don't follow all her rules - i was a very good mum. and my son knows that. the rule she is so non-understanding about is any kissing on the cheek. I usually don't - even though the kids love it . 7 times (unknowingly by me in 3 years) - so now i am banned from seeing them.

colette13

Mamie5 - OMD - I am exactly the same - it's Tuesday today and I am half-way through my weekly ordeal - looking after grandchildren - two girls (aged 4 & 7).Have them Mon-Weds from 07.00 am to approx.2.30 in the afternoon and due to poor health spend Thursday to Sunday trying to recover.Do not remember being asked to do this - it just kind of happened - had the younger one - which I could cope with - and then closure of schools (covid) - meant I was expected to look after the older one as well.Love them to bits but they fight like cat and dog and eat me out of house and home - spend the majority of my time standing in the kitchen.They have folders of homework that I have compiled and do with them - pencils,crayons,paper - access to garden bikes/scooters etc etc.And they still constantly argue -whinge - answer me back - so I agree with all you say.Whilst I love them - I feel put upon and stressed.My daughter is contrary - choosing not to work when she was childless and deciding she needed to when she had her children.Roll on Thursday - all the best to you - I sympathize.

this sounds like servitude.
why is your health and well-being of so little importance.
you have the right to rest and relaxation, to recreation, not just recovery time from the weekly onslaught.
this is wrong.
please collette13, could you contact your GP, cry if you feel like it. tell it how it is. ask whether you could tell your daughter that the doc says you need to have complete rest, for the foreseeable future. no more child-minding duties.
you sound to be on the point of collapse. it's not right.
also Greciangirl. do not subsume your right to live without imposed stress, and emotional leverage, FOG etc. fear. obligation. guilt.

I’m with you both here. I had an 11 year gap between my first 2 children and the last, so I had children at home until the last went to University. I made it quite clear to all children that my husband and I were not going to be childminders for their own children. We were there in emergencies of course, but they all knew they had to make their own childminding arrangements. It’s worked ok and has never been a problem.

Not every grandparent wants to be a babysitter. There does seem to be an expectation these days that GPs will step up and take over childcare. I still say, if you can't look after or afford to pay to have someone else look after your children then don't have them. People have different reasons for their view and from what you have said I would back off quickly. You wouldn't enjoy the task and more than likely neither will your GC.

Well, other people's likes and dislikes are their own business.
It would never do for us all to be the same.

I would dig a hole and jump into it if this site was full of doting grandparents, and nobody dared to say otherwise.

So glad I had grand parents that adored looking after my children and I’m the same with my grand children. I wonder what those parents who are desperate for grand children or have them living in other countries think of all the negative responses!

I do think age makes a difference, I was late 40's for the first GC and really able to do everything, by the time the last one arrived I was mid sixties and looking after my mum as well that was much more tiring to keep up with. Now we are not asked but occasionally find ourselves at home with some teenagers and we get our phones and other electrical equipment sorted out for us. You go with what you want to do or not do Mamie5, don't forget if they are at your house its your rules.

Hi Mamie5 and all of you,
totally agree with what has been said already, it is entirely up to you whether you want to babysit or not.
However, I am not clear whether you might want to babysit if the kids were better behaved? If so, it is a matter of communicating calmly and in a non-judgemental way, emphasizing how stressed it makes you feel. You could try to work out a plan with son and daughter-in-law, agree some ground rules?

Having said this, you are of course totally entitled to say no thanks. In the same way that it is not a god-given right for the older generation to have grandchildren and be involved in their lives, it is not a god-given right for the young generation to have babysitters on tap. Some of us will want to be more hands on, others not. And some of us have grandchildren 10000 km away.

I am 75 now and have a five year old grandson.
He is extremely boisterous and full of energy.

My daughter seems to think I have the same stamina as I had when I was much younger.

Although I love him, I dread looking after him as I’m left feeling exhausted. And I’ll.

It’s somehow expected nowadays for grandparents to do this.

After 39 years since I last changed a nappy, I felt completely out of my depth and I didn’t like it one little bit.
I have felt mainly stressed whilst looking after him.
There have been some pleasant times, but the responsibility of looking after a child that young is not something I enjoy.

I had my eldest grandson for one day a week as a baby before the family moved 300 miles away for work. Wherever my husband and I went so did he, out to lunch or for the day, and he happily sat in his buggy taking note of every thing going on around him. I have very happy memories of those shared days but would not have wanted any thing more. It was not expected of me and I think it a cheek any grandparent expected to be available on demand. Tell them you are not up to it and want a quiet life free to do whatever you like.

Totally agree with everything everyone has said previously. We have just handed ours back after having them for a weeks holiday in Mid -Wales. Hard work!!!! Tantrums, lack of toilet training, 3,7 yr old. 12yr old was fine if a bit bored.
We are recovering, hopefully they will come back at 18, when house trained!
On a serious note, it was very stressful, and I don’t want to be remembered as’horrible grandma’ because I shouted a few times (raised my voice!). Feel I don’t want to be put in that position of care/ parenting whilst parents are working. Good to here views that saying ‘no’ is ok. Just feel guilty if I can’t help.

I think its completely your choice. I brought up 4 kids and worked as a senior leader in schools for nearly 40 years. We had little help from relatives. When I retired I was clear that I was not getting into regular childcare. I have many friends, interesting hobbies and holidays, and this is my time. (Apart from the fact that I now help 3 elderly parents).
I know many grandparents love it, and I love to see the GC for short visits but my childcare days are finished.

I adore my 3 year old grandson but hate babysitting especially when it involves an overnight stay at their house. I get so stressed out remembering to shut baby gates, keep dogs seperate and away from my grandson not to mention getting up at 6am . I love to look after him at my house when my daughter is working but i think thats different.