Starblaze -- "The truth is that not all parents are doing their best." -- No kidding. I think where abusers are concerned they don't even try for 'good'.
My Narc was famous for her mantra of, "I'm trying/doing my best." and YET when, as a pleading child, saying that I was "doing MY best" I was told/informed that MY 'best' was not "good enough".
There was no 'manual' to being a "good child" no matter how hard I tried and looked for 'it' and yet, the excuse for not being a "good parent" is a lack of manual? I call that a cop-out. Does not "common sense" come into play at some point?
Does the concept of not doing the abusive stuff that your own parents did not occur? Clearly for some, the answer is, "No." Or is it a case of, "Well, now it's 'my turn' to be 'in charge'/control."?
People who feel powerless as children (abuse victims) can go one of two ways, those that despise and refuse to emulate their abusers (Scapegoats) or the 'perfect' people who now that they are 'adults' get to act/behave like their abusers because who is going to stop them?
Good parents are "in charge/in control"... of their own emotions and behaviors. Good parents don't blame their bad behavior on their child(ren). Good parents don't miss-use their power/control of those in their care to regain/'fix' their own childhood trauma.
I have been asked if I am a "perfect parent". Thankfully, no. I was raised by a "perfect parent" (just ask my 'mom') and in her quest for "perfection" all she did was create more imperfections...
Another mantra of my 'mom' was, "You think you're so perfect don't you..." insert snotty tone I look at that now and knowing it's projection think, "You sure DO don't you... Even though you know you sure are NOT. So instead of improving, so you don't have to face your gross imperfection(s)/create more reasons to feel guilt/shame when you abuse, you blame ME and my behavior for how you treat me. That should make You feel bad about yourself."
I have often grappled with, "Do abusers know they are abusers?" Yes. I know now that they DO. But their denial is deeper and longer then the river.