Parents/Grandparents Held Hostage

Before our daughter returned to work my husband and I offered to look after our granddaughter for two days a week, there was no pressure for us to do so. It has been the most rewarding experience as we’ve really got to know our granddaughter and she really loves coming to us. However there is never a problem if we want a day off or to go on holiday. I think the most important thing grandparents can do is to have that conversation right at the beginning and state what they are prepared to do and stick to it, apart from the odd emergency that is.

It depends.......
I had 4 children and I have 9 grandchildren (9yrs old to 8mths plus another on the way). I also have 3 of 4 parents alive. All the mothers work.
I am emergency carer for Grandchildren and will step in if normal arrangements go wrong for some reason.
I do however see the harassed look on some grandparents faces when they are collecting from school or taking a grandchild to the park when the weather isn't that good. So it clearly isn't all fun and we shouldn't pretend it is. Its life, which means there are good days and bad days with grandchildren after all- sometimes they are ill.
More importantly there is a reason we all have children when we are younger and nature knows best. It doesn't mean you love your grandchildren any less if you don't care for them regularly or anymore if you do.

I think the OP sounds frustrated. She may have been left dangling regarding arrangements with her friends who are often required at a moments notice to drop everything to look after GC.

vickymeldrew

Correct me if I’m wrong Valerie, but this topic has a whiff of being fake. Are you a journalist looking for Gransnet views to generate debate ?

Unlikely I think, as ValerieF is not a new poster.

Has Valerie returned to join in the thread ???

No amount of time is too much to see grandchildren - they are a blessing and a joy.

When I had my daughter both my parents had only just retired. My Mum made it very clear that she would help with childcare but not on a regular basis. i.e not every Tues and Thursday morning as they would be planning their own things. My Mum said I've done my bit bringing up the two of you - I'm not tying myself down again. Fair enough. She would always help if sh could but I could not assume she would. Worked well for us.

My DDs always ask before presuming I'll look after them, generally a thursday for GD and any day it could be. Never too often but always welcome.

I agree with a lot of the original poster has said. I sometimes get the impression that today's parents have no idea how to cope. I managed without family quite well when my children were young. My children cope quite well as well....they learnt from how they were brought up

I share your instincts EllanVannin as OP does not appear to be a GP.

A bit of prying going on here methinks ?

The other side of the coin to the thread about the grandmother demanding time with grandchildren. I sympathise with both points of view completely, both need to respect each others parameters. I love our grandchildren dearly but there have been occasions when we've been asked to babysit and we haven't been able to, or actually depending on the duration, wanted to do it. I do remember when our granddaughter was a baby and her mother was berating the mother of one of her friends, who wouldn't have her very young grandchild at the drop of a hat, our son's partner came out with, "the woman's a bitch, that's a grandparent's job to look after grandchildren" she was very young at the time and has matured since, but I think we commented "it's not the grandmother's job it wasn't her choice to have that baby"

I am the same as you. If my daughter asks me to look after my GD and I am busy I say no. Before lockdown I was looking after my two GC one day a week. I have a very close relationship with them which is so lovely. My daughter knows I have a busy life and I am still working at 62 albeit 4 days a week.

Illte - exactly that.!!
I did all I could for my daughter's children, because both parents were working. But that was 16 years ago. My sons have now got toddlers. When one of them put forward the idea that I look after his baby, a couple of days a week, I explained that I could not commit to that, but would do the odd babysitting, if they needed it. Perhaps they didn't expect that answer from me but I'm glad I did. They may have been miffed for a while and probably still are, but my health is important to me.

Definitely not being held hostage here. We are fortunate that both AC live locally. We have 3 GC whom we love dearly and are very hands on GPs. However, AC also know that we have our own lives to lead. Methinks that it is s all about striking the balance which is acceptable to all parties.

So much also depends on how close we live to our grandchildren. My first grandchild is due this month but the parents are moving abroad soon after the birth as my son has a new job starting in October. Thankfully it isn't forever and when his contract finishes they will return to the UK, but may still be living hundreds of miles from me. I want to be involved and help with childcare, and as I'm retiring soon my plan is to downsize and move somewhere cheaper, hopefully nearer to them. I've had to put some of my plans on hold to be able to do this, but having brought up my own children with grandparents not being local, I'd like to be able to give more help than I had myself. I shall certainly make sure I have a life for myself too though!

I actually know someone going through a very difficult situation with this.
Her daughter has had involvement from Social Services for some time, all linked to domestic violence.
The situation sadly escalated and the children were placed with my friend by the L.A with the underlying pressure of 'if you don't care for them, they'll be taken into care'.
Its a total tragedy.

never understand why valerief is being criticised for the post, its a fair point,the dynamics are complicated to say the least between in laws, yes we can say no, but using grandkids as a buffer is all too frequent, grandparents can be walking on eggshells around difficult inlaws ,who can control in many ways, so i would say if yes there are times when it feels like you are being kept hostage

I am very involved in the care of my grandsons aged 7 and 11, and enjoy every moment. I feel very privileged to be in my position and I have a very special relationship with them, which I’m sure will continue into adulthood.

Correct me if I’m wrong Valerie, but this topic has a whiff of being fake. Are you a journalist looking for Gransnet views to generate debate ?

It’s not always easy to say no though is it? My own AC expect a very very high level of child care and I am still working! I am often guilt tripped with other grandparents would jump at the chance to do whatever it is,or reminded that we didn’t have the easiest life when they were small and so I owe them! There is always the fear of estrangement and so I comply but I don’t have any free time

*bringing up our own children

Well each to their own. We see our grandchildren, on the whole, when it suits us, and unless it’s an emergency, only look after them if it’s convenient to us. We feel we’ve done all of that, ringing up our own children and now want time for ourselves. I don’t feel anything is wrong with this. We love all of our family dearly but don’t feel we have to continually sacrifice ourselves..If you don’t want to give up so much time caring for grandchildren, it’s possible to say that....but then actually I don’t think that kind of child care should be taken for granted anyway, by the adult children.

When my son occasionally seeks my help with childminding, I simply say whether or not I'm free. No recriminations. No pressure. Why on earth would there be? I have sometimes altered an arrangement to accommodate his request but that would be because it suited me. Perhaps I hadn't seen them for a while? In emergency, drop everything, of course. No question.

Held hostage?

We're adults. We're responsible for our own decisions and our own lives.I'm not fond of the victim attitude.

Repeat after me:

"I'm sorry. I can't manage that"