Parents/Grandparents Held Hostage

I’ve said this on many occasions ValerieF, but that’s usually been in connection with the grandparents themselves wanting to be too involved. You’re right though....sometimes seeing how other people experience things can be almost the same as experiencing it yourself, if you’re close. We try to get a good balance. We absolutely love our grandchildren, but also cherish our time together.

I was happy to look after my grandchildren while their parents were working but I know some people thought I was being put upon and said that they wouldn't do it. They wanted to go out and about with other pensioners and I could understand their point of view but I wouldn't have missed those years with my GCs for anything.

I am sure you are right in some cases. I do think there is a tendency with some young parents to feel that it is almost their own parents’ duty to be on permanent call for childcare.

Obviously we all do what we can to help our families but there is a limit.

I have a friend who, in her own words, is run ragged staying at her daughter’s house three days a week to look after her small grandchildren.

Much as she loves the grandchildren she feels too much is expected of her, and is beginning to resent the fact that she can’t plan anything in case she is needed.

Sometimes I think there is the assumption that retired parents have nothing else to do with their time !

There is no way I would have expected my parents to provide unlimited childcare. They had their own lives in retirement as we do now.

Lucca

This thread is the converse of the” pressure to leave your child with the bans” one.....

Yes, I was thinking that.

As with so many family dynamics, there is no right or wrong. It is impossible to know if people are being 'pressured' as what constitutes pressure to some would just be 'asking' to others.

Some grandparents want nothing more than to be around their grandchildren, and others feel that they have done their bit. Both points of view are valid, and the only problem is when their expectations and those of their children or in-laws differ.

This thread is the converse of the” pressure to leave your child with the bans” one.....

I agree with Grandmabatty. There is nothing more special than being involved in the life of grandchildren but surely you can say if you think it is too much.

I have no personal experience of this because I see my GC only as much as I want but my closest friend has come under quite a lot of pressure from her son to have her GC more often, and for longer, than she really wants. She's only recently taken retirement and, due to COVID, hasn't been able to explore any interesting clubs or hobbies to join but, as she's been expected to have her GC 4 days and 3 nights a week whilst the parents work, that's just as well. I know that she isn't happy about it but feels guilty that she should be helping them as much as possible so that they can work. Feast or famine......

Not actually speaking from experience but know lots of elderly people who can't make arrangements because they have to see what their children/grandchildren are doing

It bothers me that you have rushed to this assumption but claim it doesn’t apply to you.
It may be the case but again, it might not. .
I should be interested to see how many do actually identify with the “held hostage” scenario and how many say ?what on Earth are you talking about?

I know grandparents from all sides of the spectrum regarding seeing their grandchildren.

The saddest ones for me by far are the ones who had their retirement stolen from them by adult children who not only expected childcare during school holidays but school runs, evenings and weekends as well, while the parents pursued outward bound hobbies etc.

You wonder why they became parents if they never wanted to be with their children and I know the grandparents look back and say they didn’t realise it was going to be so full on and that their other grandchildren didn’t get a look in!

Actually your point about 'not speaking from experience' says it all. You cannot speak for grandparents who enjoy helping their children and seeing and caring for their grandchildren. If it is too much, then the individual can say so.