Am i selfish? Feel so sad.

How long have you been in counselling? Having done it myself in the past it took me a long time to implement the coping strategies they taught me. Given it’s related to relationships I found that writing “burn letters” helped me massively - I wrote in very colourful language all the horrible things I wanted to say to the other party, then I had myself a wee bonfire with the letters. I knew that I could never get the closure I wanted from saying it aloud, but the act of putting these feelings down on paper was a good way to release all the frustration and negativity.
Also, maybe see your doctor, I was on anti depressants for a while which helped regulate my moods and feelings while I was working through everything.
You’re not alone in this and I totally get the feelings of guilt etc you have because you “should” be happy. Please keep working with your counsellor, and I know it’s a massive cliche, but from experience, time is a great healer.

Hello, I’m sorry you are struggling at the moment and firstly want to send you some positive thoughts.

I think if your counsellor is shocked by what you are saying, maybe you need to consider finding one less shockable? If this was a one-off thing and you feel happy with them, fair enough.

I do know someone who changed counsellors and felt she worked so much better with the new person.
She is now doing well and finding things to enjoy in life after some dark times. Like you, they did have lots to be grateful for but some disturbing things in their past.

Thinking of you. You are doing the right thing in seeking help.

Thank you Lolo81.
My councillor asked me to focus on myself and do the things i want in life to help me regain control, confidence and feel empowered.
I thought securing a fantastic promotion and new car would do that. I worry that nothing will bring me back from this.
I read about the burning letters. I just dont know if that will help but i will consider it some more.
I dont think the counselling has helped as i dont like repeating the same situation again and again. Im worried to go to the dr as it could paint me out to be an unstable parent should DH and I split up and enter a custody battle.

Notspeggetti- i didnt consider changing counsellors before. The thought of starting again with a new councillor and building that rapport is daunting. I am probably such a drain and misery to be around.
I have read posts on here where people are dealinv with death of their life partners, estrangement from kids, poor health etc and these are real problems and yet they seem postive and upbeat. I just want some of that positivity.

I think you sound clinically depressed. Your doctor can help, please ask them.

Fridayiscoming I know you are having a really hard time. Nobody but you knows what that is like. I read once that people with depression are like the "walking wounded" as their condition is hidden.
When I'm feeling low I find that DISTRACTION works well. MAKE your self read ,sew,knit,go for a walk,bake or whatever else you can do. I find doing sudocku puzzles the best distraction - that's an hour those negative feelings are replaced.
Hope this makes sense and helps you. I understand not wanting to go over the same ground again-it's like taking a scab off a wound that is trying to heal. Good luck. I'm sending you good vibes.x

No one thing suits all and that goes for counselling too and the type of counselling too
it sounds like you ve been having person centred counselling you may need something shorter term to ‘jolt you out if it’ for want of a better explanation have you tried CBT ? Never worry about changing counsellor it’s like anything else in life you might need to change your doctor dentist anything
You sound as it you may be suffering from PTSD and there is short term help for that that won’t need you to go back into all the gory details you don’t need to relive them that can be useful but you ve done that and it hasn’t help so a different way forward is needed
You are in a miserable rut and need a way forward

Just for my ignorance what’s an LO ?

I have no advice except to say to yourself "I don't know how and I don't know when but I am going to conquer this and be happy again." Say this every time you are feeling desperate. Believe me it will help.

I send you my Best Wishes x

FridayIsComing, we all have regrets in regard to events that have happened in our past. Some of those events we may have been able to change, others were imposed by circumstances outside of our control. However, none of those events can be changed for they are in the past.

If you now have a career and personal life that cannot be affected by such things as the Covid-19 crisis and such matters as Britains withdraw from the EU, you are indeed in a very good place.

However, like so many of us, I suspect that the above not the case. Therefore, I feel you should very much concentrate on how such circumstances could change that career and personal life, for it is a future which can be changed by your own actions as against a past in which nothing can be changed.

Look to yourself rather than others for solutions to your perceived prior problems for there will be found real accomplishment and a better state of mind in dealing with those problems.

Sorry you are feeling like this. I'm the same really. It's no fun is it? I have a good life now but I can't get over the traumas in my past. I find it difficult to relax and be happy, always waiting for the next bad thing. My GP said to me last year 'try to forget the past'. If only. Good luck with this Friday.

Fridayiscoming- counselling can be daunting. The going over it is sore, it hurts, but it’s part of letting it go and coming to terms with your feelings. The things that you’ve achieved and empowerment you feel is only one part of the puzzle, the other parts are processing all the things that have happened and the emotional baggage that has left you with.

Re: GP, please reconsider. If you are feeling depressed (and it sounds like you are), leaving that unchecked is more likely to affect your parenting and give your ex ammunition than actually addressing and managing it. Also, please consult with your lawyer as to whether your ex would even have to be aware of your private medical details? So you could potentially see your doc, get some help and unless you volunteer that information, how would anyone ever know?

Thank you for your responses.
Kate1949- i feel your pain. I hope you feel better soon.
Lola- i cant trust any service atm. I once spoke to a doctor in ANE about a small matter and before i know it i had several follow ups, social at my door Unannounced whilst i am on holiday and openly speaking to neighbours about my life . My entire neighbourhood thought all sorts and in the end the report required no action but an apology from several departments. These things add to my anxiety.

The whole emotional baggage runs deep. It sounds so stupid and repetitive. Common sense cannot be applied here. As one poster said the past has gone and cannot be changed but the future can. I tell myself this but the past owns me. I dont know if it was because a lot of it happend during pregnancy and after LO (little one) was born and maybe it trigged pnd? I dunno. I just want to focus on my present and future.

Friday Please try another counsellor/type of counselling. And I do suggest that you consider CBT - it is often very effective with dealing with repetitive behaviours/thoughts. Hope that you can find a way to focus on your present and future that works for you

Friday I'm sorry you find yourself a prisoner of the past. A relative of mine was receiving counselling and she was very much immersed in rehashing her past hurts (again), when the counsellor gave her the 'short, sharp, shock' treatment by saying "We are not going over what happened in the past again. It is boring." (or words to that effect). And the counsellor continued: "Here is my advice: you are at any time just one thought away from feeling better ".

It was just what was needed at the time and my relative applied that simple advice and now lives in the present. Like you, she has a good life in terms of circumstances.

Good luck. BTW my relative is eternally grateful to that therapist.

Poor counseling is damaging and worse than none. The fact that your counsellor was shocked should be a red flag, they should have a neutral stance. Continually picking over a scab is not helpful. I would consider CBT, this might help you to reframe your experience and get things into perspective. Finding a good practitioner is the challenge. Maybe start with a self help book, search online too. One viewpoint that I have found useful was along the lines of you can either let what has happened ruin your life or accept, put it behind you and make a success despite it. Hope you manage to do the latter.

BlueBelle

No one thing suits all and that goes for counselling too and the type of counselling too
it sounds like you ve been having person centred counselling you may need something shorter term to ‘jolt you out if it’ for want of a better explanation have you tried CBT ? Never worry about changing counsellor it’s like anything else in life you might need to change your doctor dentist anything
You sound as it you may be suffering from PTSD and there is short term help for that that won’t need you to go back into all the gory details you don’t need to relive them that can be useful but you ve done that and it hasn’t help so a different way forward is needed
You are in a miserable rut and need a way forward

Just for my ignorance what’s an LO ?

Another ignorant one here, Bluebelle. What is an LO?

OP has explained LO = Little One

Apologies, Grannybags, I only saw that she was a mum of one, and inferred that the child was older.

I feel for you. There are two big things in my life that affected me deeply and that I could not shake off for many years. I was told that carrying these feeling was like carrying round a hot coal in my hand, ready to throw at someone, but the only person getting hurt was me. It took a while, but I was eventually able to let it go, let the feelings of extreme hurt and injustice go from my life. I still think of those two things from time to time, but they no longer have the power to cause pain and heartache. This does not mean that I have forgiven those people, but their actions and my memories of them, no longer have any power over me or my life now. I found peace and hope you do too. PM me if you wish.

Hi
How did you let it go? Did you do something to make that happen? How long did it take before you felt okay?

I am looking at going for CBT. Posters have recommended it on here and i have been researching. But would welcome any insight.

I have tried CBT for something else and it was a big help. Good luck.