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AIBU

AIBU in thinking I’ve been left out of my Book Club ‘get together’

(21 Posts)
Semiruralgirl Thu 08-Oct-20 17:33:11

I live in a fairly small village and I’m feeling upset at the moment as a member of my Book Club (I’ll call her X) had a ‘get together’ in her garden just before ‘the rule of 6’ came in but I wasn’t invited. We’re not a big group, and we’ve been having Zoom meetings since March which I’m not as keen on. However I enjoy the Book Club and there are some nice lively people in it. There are only about 7 people in the group including ‘Carol’ who introduced me to the group about 2 years ago. ‘Carol’ and I are friendly though we haven’t known each other that long; sometimes we email each other as even though it’s a small village we tend not to see each other these days. She happened to mention in an email that she had hoped to see me at ‘X’s get together’ which she said was lovely and great to see everyone again in person - X had made it a lovely occasion’. I feel embarrassed that I wasn’t invited. I know there could be a perfectly good reason and I have tried put it out of my mind, but then every so often I remember and feel humiliated, and even though I’m 79, I’m not sure what to do! At the moment because I feel hurt, I sometimes feel I don’t want to be in the Book Club any more, or sometimes I feel I should say something breezily to X such as - ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get to your do, I completely forgot, it was very rude of me not to turn up’ -but I haven’t quite got the nerve. Any suggestions?

Luckygirl Thu 08-Oct-20 17:38:56

Ouch! I can understand how you feel and am sorry that you are in this situation. There is most likely to be a perfectly simple explanation, but I can see why you feel hurt.

Illte Thu 08-Oct-20 17:48:15

Did you say to Carol, I wasn't invited.
I would have done.

Not to late now. Me, I d put it all out front, email Carol, say you've been thinking and does she know if you've upset x in some way because you were upset to be left out.

If there is something, you talk to x about it. If she's just mean then everyone will know 😬

Lucca Thu 08-Oct-20 17:49:54

Agree Illte.
Of course it’s just possible you missed seeing an invitation ? Email? WhatsApp?

Calendargirl Thu 08-Oct-20 17:54:30

You say you weren’t too keen on the Zoom meetings, which I understand. Did you perhaps miss a Zoom meeting, when this get together was organised?
And don’t want to sound ageist, but are the other members younger, and maybe felt that it wasn’t quite your thing?

I sympathise, can imagine how hurt you feel.

It genuinely might have been an oversight.

BlueBelle Thu 08-Oct-20 18:00:21

If there are only 7 in the book club it’s sounds as if you were the only one left out which is horrible unless you didn’t hear about it, by some mistake
I certainly wouldn’t hide it or make excuses I would speak to whoever arranged it and tell them you were hurt by being left out and ask if it was a mistake on their part it’s much better to get it all out in the open and hopefully it won’t happen again otherwise it will just fester away and you ll be unhappy well I would be much better to clear the table

Maggiemaybe Thu 08-Oct-20 18:46:24

I’d double check carefully that I hadn’t missed a message, Semiruralgirl, then mention it to X directly, ie say to her that you hadn’t realised there was a meeting. It’s best to clear the air, and it was probably just an oversight.

We always decide our next book club date at the meeting, then put it on our WhatsApp group for anyone who wasn’t there. One of the group doesn’t have WhatsApp and hardly ever makes the meetings. A couple of the others see her regularly so usually let her know, but on at least one occasion she’s been forgotten.

sodapop Thu 08-Oct-20 19:28:24

I agree with BlueBelle bring this into the open and find out exactly what happened. It could have been a simple oversight. I understand you feel a bit hurt Semiruralgirl

Urmstongran Thu 08-Oct-20 19:34:37

You are understandably hurt semiruralgirl (as would most of us be in this scenario).

Yes, double check you hadn’t missed the invite. Then ‘Rule of Six’ or not, speak up. It’s not nice to be sidelined.

Smileless2012 Thu 08-Oct-20 19:38:55

Once you've checked you didn't miss the invite, then as others have suggested, bring this out into the open.

If you've been deliberately left out that's a horrible thing to do to someone. It doesn't matter how old we become Semiruralgirl we can still be hurt by unkind people.

Chewbacca Thu 08-Oct-20 19:57:59

An understandably upsetting thing to have happened semiruralgirl and as Smileless says, no matter how old we are, it still hurts when we get left out of things. BlueBelle's advice is good; you have nothing to feel embarrassed about; if anyone does, it's them.

Iam64 Thu 08-Oct-20 19:59:58

Yes to the advice from others. Check you haven't missed an email, or other invitation. Be direct, tell Carole what happened and raise it with X
x

Callistemon Thu 08-Oct-20 20:51:32

I’d double check carefully that I hadn’t missed a message, Semiruralgirl, then mention it to X directly, ie say to her that you hadn’t realised there was a meeting. It’s best to clear the air, and it was probably just an oversight.

I agree

Was the invitation sent by email?
Did the message get sent to your spam folder? I have found quite a number of emails in my spam folder lately which should have gone into the inbox as they weren't spam.

Jaxjacky Thu 08-Oct-20 21:03:01

I’d actually contact x saying ‘ did I miss the invite I do sometimes miss mail? Apologies if I did’

lemongrove Thu 08-Oct-20 21:08:14

Are you absolutely sure that six of the seven members were there, or is it just hearsay?I would actually say something to your friend along the lines of ‘in future if there are group meetings, I’d like to be included’.See what she says.

25Avalon Thu 08-Oct-20 21:14:38

I feel the same way about my village walking group. They started up again 3-4 weeks ago but nobody told me and I found out by accident. It’s a feeling of rejection and being hurt making you think you don’t want to belong anymore. However, I am glad I didn’t go as they have not been walking locally but driving out somewhere with 3 people from different households in the same car. Only one person didn’t invite you so please don’t give up on your enjoyment of the book club.

Chewbacca Thu 08-Oct-20 21:15:12

Or "When is the next meeting scheduled for? I don't want to miss another one!"

lemongrove Thu 08-Oct-20 21:18:49

I think it’s likely to have been an oversight Semiruralgirl.
Somebody was supposed to ask you and forgot.

PECS Mon 12-Oct-20 08:34:14

Sorry you are feeling unhappy, I do understand why.
I belong to a group of 8 friends..we are a book/ walking/ day's out group.
However we also do things in smaller gatherings within the group..maybe two go for a midweek walk or 4 manage a lunch together etc. Some are still working f/t , some live on their own, & others have partners,.some have cash to spare others need to watch their budget so we each have different availability.

However, we would not have a get- together and not invite one of the group.
We usually put an open invite on our WhatsApp group e.g.P & Q walking to.. , going for lunch etc..so all are free to join in or not.
I really hope it does turn out to be an oversight on someone's part thanks

mumofmadboys Mon 12-Oct-20 10:26:25

I would just let it go. It may have been an oversight or error . No-one has to invite you. Least said, sooner it is all forgotten. Try not to be hurt.

Nannarose Mon 12-Oct-20 11:02:11

I too, suspect you missed the invite, or were accidentally missed off. I have been on both sides of this, and think the charitable explanation the best to go with!

If you can I would leave it, unless it is mentioned and say 'oh I seem to have missed it'. If it eats away at you (and oh, this is a time these things happen!) then speak to the organiser, and give her a face-saving way to say 'I am so sorry I missed you off'.