Gransnet forums


Husband does not want a party

(152 Posts)
Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 08:13:21

My husband will be 70 next week. That's a pretty good milestone I think and most people have a party or whatever. We have an issue however, my husbands sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago, she had kemo and went into remission. About a month ago she was told the cancer had returned and was in her spine from her neck to her pelvis.
There is no cure for this, she is on kemo again which will slow down the disease but that's all.
My husband and his sister are not all that close, in fact a lot of the time he has issues with a lot of things she does but he has decided he does not want a big party for his birthday as it would be inappropriate to celebrate turning 70 when she is not going to reach that age. I don't have a problem with that.
Anyhoo he told me to tell this to our daughters who said ok no big party but how about they just invite us round to dinner on his birthday. I mentioned this to him and he said well ok.
I understand the no big party thing I do, well mostly I do, lets say I understand that's how he feels and its his feelings so he has a right to them. But, I just told him about the invitation to dinner and he said "why" and I said well they just wanted to make you dinner for your birthday. He was less than enthusiastic and said " you told them no big party right". Honestly, it is pizza and chilli on the back deck of our youngest daughters house, there will only be our kids, its not even a party just pizza and chilli. Our girls love him and they want to share his birthdays with him because as our youngest says he's not getting any younger and he has polycystic kidney disease and who knows when his last birthday will be.
Is it unreasonable to want that, to want to just have him over for dinner?
The reality is that his sister is not going to die next week, she's not going to die this year and she may not die next year.
I am wondering if there is something else going on but when I ask him he just says no.

FarNorth Tue 13-Oct-20 16:43:38


Hithere Tue 13-Oct-20 16:18:53

Great outcome!

Grammaretto Tue 13-Oct-20 16:06:35

ah brilliant! Thanks for the update. Happy Birthday MrKartush. Sounds like you all had the best time.
Well done.

mrsjonesy Tue 13-Oct-20 13:13:08

So glad it worked out well in the end Kartush. Happy memories for you all.
Hope you weren't too put off by the posts of those who couldn't wait to trumpet their opinions without fully reading or understanding your posts. Personally I found it alternately toe curling and amusing.

Lucca Tue 13-Oct-20 12:31:40

Hilarious reading through this thread....OP being berated for planning a get together which “isn’t allowed” when she has explained she lives in Australia. Then lots more of the same and suggestions about what should happen when OP had alreadyupdated about his decision. Classic don’t read the thread scenario.

annodomini Tue 13-Oct-20 12:11:01

Great news! Happy birthday to Mr Kartush. 🎂

biba70 Tue 13-Oct-20 11:36:45


Kartush Tue 13-Oct-20 11:35:28

Final update ..... today was his birthday, and as i said he had decided that dinner at our daughters house was ok so we have just got home and he had a wonderful time, he played with the grandkids bounced on the trampoline, ate the pizza, had beer with the sons in law and honestly enjoyed himself (and no he wasnt just putting on an act).

Megs36 Mon 12-Oct-20 15:57:18

We had our Diamond wedding Anniversary in August, a small celebration had been planned and abandoned,however my family arranged a picnic in a local park . There were 12 of us , fortunately a week before Rule of 6 . They travelled miles between them and each one brought their own food and drink, my daughter in law arranged a picnic tray just for us two . As I hadn’t seen most of them since before lockdown and probably won’t see them again for months I felt very tearful but loved it all, there was only one grandchild missing, he’s in Australia, I thought he would have made the effort 😃😃.
A picnic is not quite so possible now it’s colder but maybe something on those lines.

ann678tifney Mon 12-Oct-20 14:56:18

I am another person who doesn't like parties, when I turned 50 I told the family NO PARTIES, but they organised one that hardly anyone came to and I hated it. My DH loves parties, but I have said no more, even for his 70th next year. I much prefer going away somewhere and this year when I was 65, we had a family meal out and all the family went away to a caravan park for the weekend which we all enjoyed . Luckily it was weekend before the lockdown!!!!

allium Mon 12-Oct-20 14:24:34

Poor chap, quite a lot of people hate parties, have booked holidays and trips away to avoid parties and awful family get togethers.

Hithere Mon 12-Oct-20 13:56:32

"Why not get your children to bring the dinner to your place, then he can't complain and can't get out of it!"

Wow, just wow - and family is supposed to have your best interests at heart while ignoring the very clear wishes of an adult.

Yes, please ruin a person's bday just because he doesnt celebrate it the way you think it should be celebrated

Magrithea Mon 12-Oct-20 12:28:50

Why not get your children to bring the dinner to your place, then he can't complain and can't get out of it! grin

DeeDum Mon 12-Oct-20 06:52:19

I understand where your coming from, your husband seems very ungrateful to me,..
But at the end of the day it's his birthday, & If he want to be awkward let him
On the other hand perhaps his finding it bit depressing turning 70 and with the awareness of his sisters condition etc

welbeck Sun 11-Oct-20 23:00:21


HIS choice HIS birthday and HIS sister. That should be enough so why not let the decision be up to him??
My deepest sympathy to your husband and courage to his sister.

well put, beverley.

welbeck Sun 11-Oct-20 22:59:23

i'm feeling sorry for this man.

Daftbag1 Sun 11-Oct-20 22:11:13

I'm hoping the OP doesn't live in any part of Britain or most parts of the westernized world I believe, 70? So high risk. Perhaps your husband would prefer to stay alive and to protect those that he loves.

I'm thinking that perhaps the OP is being sarcastic over I've misread something?

Hithere Sun 11-Oct-20 21:48:46

Why should an adult need an intermediary to explain his decision?
Why does an adult have to explain his decision to others?

JadeOlivia Sun 11-Oct-20 20:43:39

I think you should make the offer then play the role of the go between as diplomatically as possible, explaining HIS decision. You could all have a glass of bubbly and cake at a specific time, share via zoom or not. They could send him a little present ( to eat, drink, read, listen to ...) that he would enjoy ..but thd whole " get together" thing has to be his sole decision....

Unigran4 Sun 11-Oct-20 20:37:38

It sounds as though he suspects the pizza and chilli invitation is a way to lure him to a "surprise" party (I realise it isn't) and that is not what he wants.

Jayne16 Sun 11-Oct-20 20:20:25

Even before covid I would have been mortified if I had been forced to have a party that I didn't want. Being the centre of attention was never my thing.

Cp43 Sun 11-Oct-20 20:11:59

To make my husband feel acknowledged on his 70th during lockdown in April, i asked all his friends and colleagues no matter how vague a friendship or how far away (email obviously) and asked them to send a birthday card. It worked brilliantly he got well over 70 cards and no physical contact required. I think your pizza dinner is lovely idea but do stick to his wishes.

Acer Sun 11-Oct-20 18:26:11

It’s his Birthday maybe he really doesn’t want in any way to celebrate being 70.
As hard as you and your daughters are finding it I think you really must go with his request. I actually celebrated with glee my 40 and 50, but really on turning 60 I just wanted to ignore the whole milestone totally, my daughters where very sweet and thankfully eventually believed me ! Best wishes and don’t worry.

Speldnan Sun 11-Oct-20 17:08:42

Hate parties and had a quiet tea with the family for my 70th. Plus surely parties are a no no at the moment?!

LindyB Sun 11-Oct-20 17:02:05

My Husband turned 70 earlier this year in the middle of lockdown, so we couldnt see anyone else at all. The arranged party had to be cancelled. To mark this special occasion our darling daughter got in touch with everyone that knew my husband and asked them for photos and video messages, they arrived from all over the world, then she made a video of everyone and we played it to him over a toast or two! in a zoom meeting joined with our children - it was wonderful and he got a lasting memento which we have played over and over. He got to see many more friends and family than he would have at a party, it turned into such a special day.