Hostile Stepdaughter - Don’t know What to do

I am so sorry you have had this in your life Jaffacakes but I think you are making the right decision in trying to continue to act with grace. You say she is civil. You can be civil in return. Any degree of warmth or affection does not seem to be on the table. Even recognition that you are not a bad person, which would give you some emotional peace, may not be there. Especially if her “civility” has elements of passive aggression. Resorting to passive aggressive statements yourself or banning her from your house which is also her father’s home or insisting he chastises her would probably make things worse and would hurt him and his grandchildren as well as her. You might get some satisfaction from expressing your feelings but you would probably end up even more miserable yourself. It is hard to be the bigger person but it seems to be what life is asking of you here. You have warm and loving relationships with many of your joint family. Whatever may be the rights and wrongs, your daughter obviously has had a lot of unhappiness in her relationship with her parents however one looks at it. Good luck and best wishes.

To Lolly69 and anyone else who thinks it is the children who will miss out. Do you really think that when they are dying men don't regret seeing or connecting with the children they abandoned or rejected? If so then you are fine.
I don't understand why so many women believe the man about the reason their first marriage failed. It seems the old cliche "My wife doesn't understand me" is still believed. Where is female solidarity?

All civilized people are capable of being civil. You don't have to like each other, but you do have to be polite. I would be inclined to leave some nice food treats for the children and something simple but nice for father and daughter to prepare in the fridge, or they can go out for lunch. Treat it as a pamper day for yourself and arrange to go out , leaving just before or just after they arrive. I would not want to spend time with someone rude in my house. She will get the message that you will be unfailingly civil but that you can see that she wants 'alone' time with her father and you are being the bigger person by allowing this to happen. It is a horrid situation. You could also spend the day in bed occasionally, if going out was too much trouble. Often a daughter will feel that she has been abandoned by the first man she has ever loved and no future woman will ever be welcome.

So, ok, the now ex wife was the one to end the marriage. She obviously thought in her little controlling mind that he would be begging her to go back to him at some point in the future.
You haven't said if she has remarried or had other relationships but my guess is that she either has and they haven't lasted or she has never really been happy with the one she ended up with but all the time that your husband was "free" she had in her mind that he was always there to fall back on.
Some women work on the basis that they don't want a particular man, but they don't want anyone else to have them either and when your husband finally asked for a divorce, she went into the "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned " in her mind and told the 2 eldest quite a few untrue stories about your husband and probably that you were the reason that they split up in the first place and all this time, the step daughter has mistakenly taken her side.
So, quite honestly your husband needs to sit her down and tell her the truth and say that as much as he loves her and has never stopped loving her, unless she changes her attitude to you and treats you with some respect - and he has to make sure that she understands that this is coming from him and not you- she will not be welcome at your house.
Saying "just ignore her" is a complete cop out and by saying this, he is not supporting you - why should you be disrespected in your own home ?

Trisher- in my case it’s the children who lose out. From everything I have gleaned over the years from other people, it was the wife who was difficult, my partner was a Lecturer (not the highest paid profession), she never worked but wanted a lifestyle they couldn’t afford. The general feeling is that she just wanted children not a husband. For years the SD (not the brightest star in the sky) tried to ascertain my worth on the grounds that (as she put it) Dad will be ok if anything happens to you. These are money oriented brats. They could have had a really good life had they treated their father with anything approaching decency. As things stand I look after their father (the gentlest of people, if indecisive at times - a true academic) whilst they will get nothing. We must just accept that some kids are plain ghastly and not try to apportion blame - they are adults now with, one hopes, adult brains

I think you should let go of trying to make this work. Your stepdaughter is being abusive and you need to protect yourself from her wilful unkindness towards you. Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of the situation. Take your own authority. But you have to accept that the role of stepparent is almost invariably difficult and that recomposed families frequently don’t work.

I'm in a similar situation to you. Thankfully my Stepdaughter does NOT come to our home. However, my DH has been secretly seeing her, without my knowledge!! He's lied when he's been going out & has been seeing her, instead of a 'friend'!!! It feels like she's his mistress & that I am nothing. He won't talk about it & we're in a stalemate situation. His daughter saw off his previous wife.....I'm his third wife. We've been together for 23 yrs. I only found out about his secrets & lies at Xmas. We've since been caught up with COVID & we live a very strange existence.....Good luck!!!

The two older step children have obviously been exposed to emotional blackmail and seeing their mother “upset”, I really don’t know why women do this, men do it too, dignity just flies out of the window.
Strangely enough when men leave women to cope with children they are sometime upset. Because the children are left with their mother they witness this. Women don't "do" this they are simply left to pick up the pieces as best they can and sometimes it is too much to cope with. They may cry when the children are in bed but the children sometimes hear it and they know who is responsible. I'm sure it is comforting to second wives to blame the first for all the upset but usually it is nothing to do with them and everything to do with an inadequate father.

I was once the daughter just like that, and now decades later I can look back and see that my Dad had the chance to spend 25 loving wonderful years, with a new lease of life, with the lady who became my step-mum.

My Dad never explained his reasons to me, and looking back I respect him for that and for never saying anything negative about his less than good life with my Mum.

It is only as the decades have passed that I can now look back and realise for myself that his life with my Mum wasn’t “optimal”, it took me too long to realise that their situation was not how I perceived it from my own position as their child.

I would agree with others suggestions above, don’t try overly hard with the daughter, do the biscuits thing, then have a happy afternoon yourself doing something that you want to do / chat with friends etc. Be light, happy, breezy.

It would be helpful for your DH to explain to his daughter, somewhere on neutral territory, that it was her Mum who chose to separate etc and some of the background - to ease her own understanding of the real situation. He could say “I don’t want to influence you, and I never talk about your Mum, but I think it would be helpful for you to know the situation was XYZ....”

I look back now and feel happy for my Dad who had a second chance at a happy fulfilled and good life.

You are fighting a losing battle. Why not absent yourself when she visits. There's no mileage in being another person's punchbag. Leave her to meet with her father, if that's really what she wants. The pain caused by her parents separation is nothing to do with you and you shouldn't have to bear the brunt of it - so don't.

It really annoys me that children feel they have the right to treat their parents and stepparents so badly. Who in most cases have always done their best for them. There’s obviously a lot of resentment there, but I think your husband needs to sit down and talk to her.
She will probably never like you, but that’s her problem. And if she’s coming in to your house she should at least be civil. This is your home and you should feel comfortable.
I wonder if you ever get invited to her house. ?

Jaffa cakes, I really feel for you in this situation.
The two older step children have obviously been exposed to emotional blackmail and seeing their mother “upset”, I really don’t know why women do this, men do it too, dignity just flies out of the window.
I am a bit concerned as to why your husband doesn’t have your back during all of this abuse. He doesn’t have to choose or be tied with loyalty, just stand back and take a view.
I speak from experience, my dad remarried when he was 35, he had three teenage daughters to bring up on his own. My stepmother did her best, although she was a little precious but hey ho that was her character, and many years ago. My dad was a single parent just as your husband’s ex is, but we always had to be respectful to our elders, no matter who they were. Too many people lack these basic manners these days.
Please do not tolerate this passive aggressive behaviour anymore, tell the daughter and your husband, and do it with a smile, maintain your dignity.
Do keep us posted, I wish you all the very best.x

I feel for you but there is nothing you can do about it.
Both my sons really loathe my 2nd husband but to give them their due they are friendly towards him to keep the peace. They just tell me how much they dislike him.
I understand as he is not an easy person to live with & he honestly seems to think they like him so I go along with it.
Just keep doing what yu are doing & maybe she will come round eventually.

Jaffacakes I have the opposite story from you. My ADC are being very difficult (to say the least) while DP ADC are being pleasant and inclusive to me.
I was and am mortifying embarrassed at the conduct of my ADC. They were certainly not brought up to behave as they do. I think the step daughter is showing a lack of common decency towards you which in turn makes me think she has not learned any manners in over 40 years of life.
I learned to keep my ADC apart from DP and his ADC. If my ADC can not act in a civil way then I can not be comfortable when they are around. Does your DH see how his daughter's conduct affects you? Has he never spoken to her about the way she treats you?
You may have a DH problem as well as a step daughter problem if he condones her treatment of you.
I think there could be something in what a PP said about the children of divorced parents may harbour a dream of the parents re-uniting but after 20+ years of marriage to you I dont think it is likely. I think there may be something in that suggestion in my case too but when I met DP that made a difference. I know that in my case the ex h is a stirrer and maybe the ex w in your case is too.
Talk to DH about how deeply hurt you are and that this is taking place in your own home and that hurts all the more. He is being let down by his daughter's treatment of you. What about him visiting his daughter at her house rather than your joint house.

The daughter needs to grow up and behave herself! Whether she likes you or not she is welcomed in your home as well as her fathers. I think she plays on the fact that she believes she has the upper hand in this situation because you have never said anything about her rude behaviour. She knows how she is behaving and carries it on because she has got away with it for so long. I would speak to your husband and let him know how it makes you feel...it may be better if your husband goes to visit her at her home. She has no right coming into your home as well as her fathers home behaving in such a way. You have done all you can to make her & children welcome for many years. Its now time to stop...tell your husband to go visit her and stop this horrible situation continuing.

Can I just say that if you marry someone with children you should be prepared to take that into account and not expect them to ever see you as important in their lives. Too many fathers absolve themselves of responsibility because their children are "difficult". Well guess what all children are difficult, only someone has to pick up the pieces and all too often it is the mother. And there is seldom any need for a mother to bad-mouth or speak ill of the father, the children look at his actions and respond as they choose, some accept them, him and his failings, some don't. Some are permanently angry about the way they have been treated. They are however apparently expected to be polite at all times. No wonder some children choose to cut their father out of their lives completely. You might ask yourselves who loses most?

My gosh I thought I’d written this post. I met my partner after his legal separation from his wife. 2 kids (then aged 12 & 14, now 30 & 32). He gave them everything the wife asked for (she wanted to go her own way). Anyway tedious long story short, despite all efforts (which kids accepted with both hands) wife really did a number on the 2 kids, partner has only seen son at funerals despite many attempts at reaching out, daughter only rocks up if she wants money (a talented but penniless artist). Partner has absolutely no money of his own now, is a very kind man but dependant upon my income (luckily for him I have an excellent high paying job and my darling husband left me well provided for). At heartbroken by every rebuff by these brats and I have to pick up the pieces. He has a heart condition and is in his late 60s. Result.? I’ve made it very clear to him that, unless their attitudes change dramatically, neither are welcome in My house, if he wishes to meet them he can do it somewhere else. Sounds tough and probably horrible but someone had to take a stand.

When I divorced my first husband my children were ten and 8. I’m afraid some parents themselves are childish and pass their spite onto their own children who continue with the spiteful behaviour. When your children are young some parents expect them to take sides and it seems that this mother to your DH children are doing the same. You need to find a moment and sit with your husband and step daughter and talk. You need to say what you are feeling and your DH needs to be on your side and start showing you respect and solidarity. Of course his daughter is purposely trying to make things difficult with you as she has learnt that if her father doesn’t challenge her behaviour then he loves her above you.

I'm with Grandmabatty on this one. No way would I put up with this rudeness in my own home from someone her age. Get husband to meet her elsewhere

I feel very sad for you I know exactly how you feel as I am in the same position whereby the eldest step daughter is so awful at us both. She is 33 years old now and feel she should have moved on but oh no saying that we have a moral obligation to provide gifts, meals etc yet nothing comes back. It does get very tiring I have tried to do research as I felt I was the only one but obviously I’m not.
Life is so short you have a happy life you are doing all the right things being yourself don’t change that. I would try and be the best at all times. We have only met our SD away from the home which is better for all meaning we can leave when we’ve had enough. As for her behaviour I assume it stems from all the badmouthing from her own mum which is just very sad but I’m sure they won’t be the first / last.
You have a very happy life aside from that one thorn make sure you carry on and let your husband attend to his daughter on neutral ground. You are amazing life is so short don’t let this thorn grind you down.?

I think you are being abused in your own home. I would sit down and ask directly why your step daughter has a problem with you . Did the mother allow to think the break up of the marriage had something to do with you ? Seems very unlikely looking at time frames. Talk to your husband and tell him you are unable to continue with the visits and he needs to have a word with the daughter.
Such a very sad situation I would love the daughter and mothers side of the story .... nowt weirder than folk

I really feel for you. My husband and I met 11 years ago and married a year later. I was not on the scene until the marriage was well and truly over. His ex wife had been unfaithful, left him and asked for a divorce. My husband had three sons and a daughter all in their teens and twenties. I had and continue to have an excellent relationship with two of the sons and a reasonable one with the other son. My relationship with my stepdaughter has been off and on over the years and she was basically poisoned by her Mother who resented me terribly. We have not seen my Stepdaughter for about three years now. My husband is heartbroken in one respect but has said he doesn’t miss the drama. We both tried so hard and accommodated horrendous behaviour from both Mother and Daughter for years. My husband has left the door open, but his daughter is having none of it right now.

I sympathise with your situation. The only thing I found helped when we were still seeing my Step Daughter was that my husband just used to take her out for the day. He got to see her but also protected me from her awful behaviour.

Sending virtual ? and hopes that things improve.

You seemingly cannot, after years of kindness and patence, do anything to change the behaviour of this montrously rude person, but you have the power to change your behaviour, as does your husband. He should not be allowing his daughter to come to the house if she behaves so rudely, and you don't have to allow it either. Banging your head against a brick wall is extremely upsetting and hurtful; if you can't move the wall, then stop banging your head against it. Talk to your OH and tell him quite firmly that enough is enough - you will ignore her, as he suggests, but not in your own home where you refuse to be badly and rudely treated.

Re: *Horrible, terrible suggestion.
Comes across as martyr-victim attitude-poor me- passive aggresive that will make the whole situation much worse.
This is not genuine and taking control of the situation at all.
If I am already annoyed at somebody and they say that, I would be rolling my eyes so bad internally

If anything, stepdaughter would know she is pushing your buttons*

I'd say it depends on what you want to get out of it. Calmly conveying thoughts and feelings IS genuine and allows a person to be heard. The point isn't to change others' behavior or to plead and complain, but to give voice to your own feelings so you can let go and chose to do something else. It's cathartic. Worked perfectly for me! I didn't mind if the other party changed or not because I felt lighter, and moved on.

MissAdventure??
I should have guessed you'd come up with the best solution??? as my son used to say 'mint!'

Madgran77 Before covid, yes a nice cup of coffee and watch the world go by.