Hostile Stepdaughter - Don’t know What to do

I tend to agree Namsnanny I wouldnt be willing to go out though, just clear off and get on with whatever I want to get on with! Trumpet idea made me laugh Miss A

That's a fair point namsnanny.
You've still both got to live together once it's been said.

Going out would fall me, though.
Perhaps I'd take up the trumpet, and practice loudly when she visited.

Sorry you went through something similar gmarie

Call me a coward but I wouldnt want to box my husband in to a 'or else' situation MissAdventure, Smileless.

Agree to differ Hithere

Good luck Jaffacakes

Once again, I do thank you all for your responses which have all been very helpful. At this moment in time I know that I must find within myself a different way of reacting to her behaviour towards me and if that means withdrawing myself from the situation then that is what I must now do. Yes, I most probably have tried too hard in the past but this was only because I wanted her & her children to feel welcome in my home. I know I can’t change how she feels towards and as several of you have pointed out I now need to give up on trying to form any sort of relationship with her and accept the situation for what it is.
Once again, thank you all ?

In that case she should arrange to meet her father outside of the home he's been sharing with his second wife for 21 years.

The step daughter may well have been told a different story about the maarriage failure. She may also have been her mother's main support after the break up. She may feel if she establishes any sort of relationship with Jaffacakesshe would be betraying her mother.

I would do the same MissA and applaud Jaffacakes' patience. I'd have done so a long time ago.

I would just tell my husband that as from whenever (they may need notice in advance) visitors will be expected to show some respect, or else they can go elsewhere.

"quietly and with as much dignity as I could muster, serve the cakes and biscuits and say something like Well you two go on and enjoy your time together, with my blessing, but I'm going out/watching tv in the other room now because I am not included. By being genuine and non confrontational, and taking control of the situation,"

Horrible, terrible suggestion.
Comes across as martyr-victim attitude-poor me- passive aggresive that will make the whole situation much worse.
This is not genuine and taking control of the situation at all.
If I am already annoyed at somebody and they say that, I would be rolling my eyes so bad internally

If anything, stepdaughter would know she is pushing your buttons

Alexa

Was it your husband who told you " It was his first wife who wanted their marriage to end" ?

Well he would, wouldn't he!

Respect her and her daughter's feelings. She perhaps needs her daughter's loyalty. Keep away from her children is that is what she wants

Akexa I dont see any disrespect in Jaffacskes actions. In fact i see the complete opposite.

But from what we have been told it's her step daughter who is disrespectful.

Dont forget jaffacakes owes the first family nothing.
She wasn't the cause of the breakup.
It could be argued that she has been instrumental in benefiting the daughter and father's current relationship.

MissAdventure
it is possible to be civil and create a terrible atmosphere at the same time

I would call it passive aggressive behaviour.

Was it your husband who told you " It was his first wife who wanted their marriage to end" ?

Well he would, wouldn't he!

Respect her and her daughter's feelings. She perhaps needs her daughter's loyalty. Keep away from her children is that is what she wants

Jaffacakes, to me it sounds like you have done everything you can in this situation to give your husband, his daughter and the grandchildren space to be together and that you've endeavored to be polite and kind without being overbearing or solicitous. I would also have a difficult time being made to feel unwelcome in my own home. I'm guessing that the feelings of resentment simmer silently more and more as time goes on. You probably will not be able to change anything at this point so, if it was me, I'd do something along the lines of what Namsnanny suggested:

quietly and with as much dignity as I could muster, serve the cakes and biscuits and say something like Well you two go on and enjoy your time together, with my blessing, but I'm going out/watching tv in the other room now because I am not included. By being genuine and non confrontational, and taking control of the situation, you will have shown her (and of course your H) that you recognise this treatment as bullying. By withdrawing from the situation you have shown self worth.

Decades ago I was in a situation that I knew wasn't going to change and the hurt and indignation I was continually subjected felt like a slow burn. I decided on a short and polite but direct communication of my thoughts and feelings and felt much better afterward! Maybe if you didn't feel like you had to swallow your own feelings, going off to read a book in the other room or taking time with friends would be a fun diversion. As a side benefit, both your husband and stepdaughter would be made very aware of the reason for your absence from their company in each future visit.

She doesn’t like you and she only comes to your home to see her Dad. You are I’m afraid a necessary evil through no fault of your own. Maybe you are trying too hard to get her to like you and as others have said need to step back. Perhaps she would prefer to meet her Dad on her own but feels it would be wrong as you are his wife. Have you thought of asking her what she would like?

In my situation which has similarities, I only ever meet my stepdaughter on neutral territory for a family event, where she is civil. Apart from that, her father meets up with her away from our home. Seems the best way to avoid hostilities.

Trisher I see what you are saying but disagree totally. These are adult children who have known OP for 20+ years. The daughter should respect OP in her own home. If she can’t be civil then she should meet her dad out with the OP’s home (daughter could invite him to her home). I too have gone through a similar experience, met my husband years after he’d separated and had adult children. They live some distance away so I leave the house when there are visits as I want him to have a relationship with his family and see his grandchildren... much better than being snubbed in my own home or causing my husband distress because his children don’t act appropriately around me. We have been married for 15 years. OP happy to support if you want to pm me.

Stepdaughter and OP never got along and it has been decades since OP and her husband met.

I think that asking stepdaughter to change now is unrealistic - no matter how unreasonable stepdaughter may be

We also do know the impact that that the separation and divorce had on the stepdaughter.

I would act as civil to her as she is acting towards the OP - hello and goodbye.
Stop trying to get her to like the OP and have a resemblance of a relationship, that ship sailed a long time ago.

What is your dh doing to improve this? He is not an innocent bystander here

Some of you seem to have no idea about the degree of damage some children suffer when parents split up and the long term effects of that. It can be dealt with of course but that requires a commitment on the part of the child and some people refuse to do that, it does mean that the hurt remains. The daughter was 13 when her father and mother split.
Jaffacakes I'm sure you have absolutely the best intentions but your efforts may be adding to the problem. Please just step back and let things be. The relationship between this woman and her father is fragile, it probably wouldn't take much to destroy it. Possibly the relationship your husband has with your children is also an irritation to her. She is behaving badly, but it is probably the result of feeling left out and unloved I know you are trying to make up with her, but the problem is, it isn't your love she wants, it's her father's. Inside the forty year old woman you see is a distressed girl missing her father and looking for someone to blame, unfortunately that has become you. She may see all your kind actions as a way of ingratiating yourself. None of this is your fault but she may not see it that way. Families are never the happy things we wish they were. Sometimes we just have to accept they are broken. Try to be happy with the rest of yours and leave the daughter to her father. They may or may not reach a place where you are welcomed.

MissAdventure

It's possible to be perfectly civil and create a terrible atmosphere at the same time.

Nothing like a bit of icy civility to create an atmosphere.

Thank you again for all your responses. As Trisha points out I am sure my husbands daughter does see me in a very negative light and only wants a relationship with her father ( which I have never interfered with ) she has clearly demonstrated that she is totally disinterested and defiantly does not want any connection with me and that is her prerogative. Also as Trisha points out my step daughter didn’t need a step mother, she has a mother, I have certainly never tried to to put myself in that position. Also, why should she like me just because I’m married to her father..... She doesn’t , but she knows absolutely nothing about me and she clearly doesn’t want to know anything about me. For over twenty years I have endured her unfriendliness towards me in my own home and it does become very waring. I look at the relationship my own children & grandchildren have with my husband which has always been one of warmth & friendliness and it just seems so sad to me that my relationship with his daughter or her children will never be like that. As pointed out I don’t expect anything is likely to change now and I must accept that is how it is.
Thank you all.....

It's possible to be perfectly civil and create a terrible atmosphere at the same time.

If she is civil I would suggest that you carry on with treats for the children, being welcoming but not overly gushing (not saying that you are); make tea or whatever, stay for a short time and then say that you have things to do and go off elsewhere in the house. You shouldn't have to do that in your own house, but for your husbands sake it might be best. Only you and he can decide that though, and it should be a joint decision.

Having said that, I do think that the daughter, as a woman in her forties, should not be making someone feel awkward in their own home, not ignoring someone, should be showing a polite level of appreciation of efforts made for her children. As Chewbacca and others have said, that seems like common courtesy to me.

I think trisher could have a point too for consideration ….*It sounds as if the daughter hasn't had a good relationship with her father so maybe she is just managing to re-establish that relationship and taking the OP into account is still too much for her* Doesn't necessarily excuse the behaviour but might help in understanding it.

Maybe settle for civil and don't expect more?

Her father had left the family home 4 years before he met Jaffacakes and 7 years before he married her. By then, the daughter would have been either 19/23 or 23/27, depending upon which of the 2 daughters this is. Doesn't matter how young/old you are, it's not acceptable behaviour to make someone feel uncomfortable in their own home.

^ She’s civil but has no interest in talking to me In fact I feel extremely uncomfortable in my own home when she visits.^
The OP has said she is civil. But the daughter doesn't want a relationship wth her why should she?
There is obviously a long history of family disagreement. Ex-husbands often insist it was the wife who wanted the separation, unfortunately sometimes it isn't true. There are two sides to every story. It sounds as if the daughter hasn't had a good relationship with her father so maybe she is just managing to reestablish that relationship and taking the OP into account is still too much for her. It can take people long past their 40s to come to terms with parental absence.

^His daughter started being hostile to me ......
Treats me as if I dont exist and even ignores me (in the ops own home)^

trisha All we have are the comments from the op which point in a certain direction, and as we dont have the daughters point of view we cant judge.