Hostile Stepdaughter - Don’t know What to do

I really think your H should try to see things from your pov.

Although, thinking about it, its probably too late to confront his daughter at this stage in her life, and will only give her more ammunition to use against you. Or simply more stress for your H.

If it were me, after all this time dancing on eggshells, I would either ask my husband to respect my position as his wife, and meet his daughter out somewhere.
For at least half of the visits.
Or quietly and with as much dignity as I could muster, serve the cakes and biscuits and say something like

Well you two go on and enjoy your time together, with my blessing, but I'm going out/watching tv in the other room now because I am not included.

By being genuine and non confrontational, and taking control of the situation, you will have shown her (and of course your H) that you recognise this treatment as bullying.
By withdrawing from the situation you have shown self worth.

Give up on trying to form a better relationship with her from now on.
Accept the situation for what it is.

Best of luck

This is horrible for you but if things are at least civil, I'd maybe just absolve yourself of any responsibility to fix it. Keep up the nice gestures for the children and your husband but let go of having a close relationship.

Keep being kind and nothing can ever reflect badly on you. Get between your husband and his daughter and all sorts of issues may arise

Everything you have said is perfectly acceptable and legitimate trisher, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that the step daughter has to like Jaffacakes. But common courtesy is that when you go into someone else's home, you don't behave in such a way that you make the home owner feel awkward and uncomfortable. Step daughter isn't a petulant teenager, she's a middle aged woman who is probably a home owner herself. So either be behave like the mature adult she's supposed to be or meet her father outside of the home he shares with Jaffacakes. It's not difficult.

You have all on here condemned the step daughter with no real knowledge of her point of view. The OP may be correct and she may be unreasonable, but it is entirely possible that she sees the OP in a very negative light and only wants a relationship with her father. She may find the constant neediness of the OP irritating, she may feel if she starts a relationship she will be letting down her mother, she may just be disinterested in the OP. She was an adult when the OP married her father, perhaps she felt she didn't need a step mother. Why on earth should someone like the person their father married? The OP has said she is civil.

I think that, after all this time, you need to be realistic and accept that civility is as good as it's going to get. Your husband is right to say that you should ignore it, but I can quite understand that it is easier said than done. I should just stop trying so hard and leave your husband to it.

It's not your Nome! It's your home!

I disagree with you being out of the house when she calls. It is your Nome and you shouldn't be made to feel awkward and uncomfortable in it. If you DH wants to meet with his daughter, they should meet in a coffee shop, pub or her home. That way, she won't have to "put up" with meeting you either so she should be happy that's she'll have her father to herself for a few hours. Pity she can't grow up and mature a bit first though.

Let her father make the tea and provide the cakes and take yourself off to a friends for a natter. Not that you should have to leave your home of course! She sounds like a really nasty person who lacks manners to treat you that way! I feel for you.

I really don't think that you should be the one who leaves your own home because your step daughter makes you feel so uncomfortable Jaffacakes.

If your H for whatever reason is unable to talk to her about this, I agree with sodapop, that he should arrange to meet her elsewhere.

Thank you for your responses. When we married ( Lemsip ) we both sold our respective homes and bought a a home together, each putting in 50%. My husbands ex wife ended the marriage ( discodancer ) because she said she fell out of love with him, they met & married within 9 months of meeting each other. My husband does have a problem with confrontation especially where his daughter is concerned as he doesn’t want to upset her and I do understand that, that is why I have never really said anything before as I don’t want to cause problems between the two of them. But I have now reached a point where I now dread her coming to the house. Sometimes when she says she’s coming to see her father with he children I will make them tea & cakes and then pretend I’d already pre arranged to meet a friend and leave them to have time together as I feel so very uncomfortable. This is really starting to make me feel depressed.

Children often harbour fantasies of their parents being reconciled long after it is remotely possible. You can't judge one child's behaviour against another's each is entitled to their own feelings. What I do wonder is why you feel you have to make an effort to get your step daughter to like you? She plainly doesn't want a connection. Unllike others I wouldn't stop her coming to the house- he is her father. I would just go out and leave them to it. Leave cakes and biscuits if you want to but I'd just buy some. Sometimes the more you push for something the less progress you make.

The OP says his first wife initiated the separation, then goes on to say, the husband asked her for a divorce 7 years later when he met her! .....

I said that phoenix. She could very well have felt ‘wronged’, and because of that, ended the marriage, but it’s so long ago, and there’s been ample time for talking. It’s nothing to do with Jaffacakes, and she shouldn’t put up with it.

I agree with everyone who says if she can't be civil she shouldn't come to your home.

For goodness sake, you've been married to her father for 21 years. How dare she treat you this way, and I'm sorry Jaffacakes but how dare your H, her father, let her get away with it.

you have been married for 21 years so she should have got over any animosity....... Did you move into his house or buy one together?......

Fuchsiarose

You have been in his life a long time, but you might have no idea of how the WRONGED ex wife fills in her daughter to make it seem all is your fault. I think your husband needs to have a quiet chat with his daughter and inform her of how it really was from his perspective. I curse the day I never told my daughter the truth as I saw it, whereas his family and himself dug the dirt on me since she was 9 years old. I let her make up her own mind. She is now moving towards me after a ten year abuse cycle from his family. Yout Hs girl is old enough to know the truth from this side. Then she can ,make an informed decision on you and him

The "wronged" ex wife? If you go back to the OP, Fuschiarose you will see that it is the ex wife who initiated the separation and divorce!

I agree with Toadinthehole as well. Extremely rude behaviour from an adult. Your husband should be on side Jaffacakes and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. If he is not prepared to do that then he should meet up with his daughter elsewhere.
I would think that as this has been going on for some time your husband does not want any confrontation. I would take myself out if that is the case and have a nice day out with friends.

I agree with Toad and others who say they’re old enough to know better. How was the ex wife ‘ wronged’. She ended the marriage. Of course,we don’t know why, but it’s so long ago, and absolutely nothing to do with the OP. She didn’t meet her husband for another five years. There has been plenty of time for conversations. This shouldn’t be affecting Jaffacakes at all.

It is not unusual for an ex-partner to bad mouth their replacement - but his ex-wife has been harbouring a grudge for a very long time.

Your stepchildren are grown adults with families of their own presumably. They should have a better idea of how the world works; its imperfections and the need for compromise.

You can either ignore their antics, or challenge it. Which, in your judgement, would cause the least long term upheaval to your relationship with your OH - because that is what matters above all else.

If these "children" cannot sort themselves out then that is their problem. You should do whatever you believe will cause the least damage to you and your OH as a happy couple.

Agreed totally withfuchsiarose she might be forty now, but she was young at the time of divorce and if shes has suffered allianation from a parent well, that can linger for a lifetime causing mayhem.

Unless you've been in that position its hard to understand i know and its not widely discussed. But it does happen. We as a family have first hand experience of it.
Her father needs to tread carefully and i think he knows that.
I think meeting away from his home is the answer and in time telling her his truth.
Its very difficult.

I agree 100% with Toadinthehole - it's your home for goodness sake.

They’re in their forties for goodness sake. They should get over it, or not be allowed in your home. Your husband shouldn’t be expecting you to put up with this. It’s childish and downright rude. What example are they setting the grandchildren, who will just end up copying their ignorant parents? This sort of thing makes me so angry. DON’T put up with this one minute longer. They should shape up or ship out!?

You have been in his life a long time, but you might have no idea of how the WRONGED ex wife fills in her daughter to make it seem all is your fault. I think your husband needs to have a quiet chat with his daughter and inform her of how it really was from his perspective. I curse the day I never told my daughter the truth as I saw it, whereas his family and himself dug the dirt on me since she was 9 years old. I let her make up her own mind. She is now moving towards me after a ten year abuse cycle from his family. Yout Hs girl is old enough to know the truth from this side. Then she can ,make an informed decision on you and him

My advice is the same, don’t invite her, get your DH to meet her and her children elsewhere.

Or get your DH to have a few words with her about her behaviour, if she is acting like a child treat her like one.

I agree with Grandmabatty. For you to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home is just not on. I would suggest to your DH that he meets his daughter either at her house, or a cafe etc.