Hostile Stepdaughter - Don’t know What to do

Shes not being civil though is she? Tell your H that if he still cant stand up for you after 21 years then he will have to go to his daughters house for the visits in future.End of..then when he does, settle yourself down in your own home with a good book or a nice movie, some snacks/treats, a cosy fire and enjoy relaxing in your own house..of which you own 50% so youre fully entitled...oh& next time if you need us all for advice? Try get it in a nutshell.?

I really didn’t realise this behaviour was so common. I feel better to know that, as I thought it was just me. My DH daughter ignores me to the point of rudeness. We’ve been married 12 years and he had another long term partner before we met so it’s nothing to do with me breaking up her parents marriage. First I was upset, then angry and now I’m indifferent. He has a great relationship with my grown up kids which enriches both their lives, so I think it’s sad ultimately that we are all missing out on another relationship.

I'm sure it's not healthy for whole families to still hold on to all this resentment, years after the event.

Willa45 The situation you describe in your IL's family very different to Jaffacakes. Sad to say these things happen, but in respect of your MIL's situation I would not have forgiven. Growing up as a young woman it was clearly understood that you never consorted with a married man and particularly not where children were concerned. How any woman can do this to another is beyond the pale.

Have you decided what to do Jaffacakes? Keep us posted if you do anything please.
My husband's exwife had an affair with his best friend and ended up living with him. But when i got with husband i was blamed for splitting them up because the elastic he had been on for yeaes had finally snapped. We are still together - they are not after a classy evening where he (best friend) groped stepson's girlfriend then ex wife kicked him out and phoned the police as he was drink driving and he lost his licence! Somehow husband's son still hates me more when all we have done is happily get on with our lives!
These poisonous mothers are real pieces of work.

CBBL ... what an awful situation for you.
Condolences on the death of your husband.

gmarie
^I'd say It depends on what you want to get out of it......the point isnt to change others or plead or complain, but to give voice to
your own feelings. So you can let go. Its cathartic and worked perfectly for me^

Yes that's exactly my thoughts.

After reading all the stories and comments on here I am so glad my relationship with my step daughter and stepsons is so different.My husband was living separately from his wife and four children,boys aged 18 ,5 and 4and a 16 year old girl.The marriage had irretrievably broken down.His decree nisi came through 3 days before our wedding.His ex wife and children even bought us a wedding present.
Within three years the 8year old boy lived with us followed shortly by the 7 year old.Sadly my husband has recently died and I could not have coped without the help of my stepchildren and their children.We have a very good relationship and are in close contact.

I guess OPs story hit a chord. My in laws divorced in 1948 when my husband (the youngest of four children) was five years old. After having a four year affair with another woman, my FIL left my MIL with four kids in tow. He asked for a divorce and married the other woman a short time later. My MIL never got over it, never remarried and died of a broken heart.

Both my FIL and his 2nd wife did not attend our wedding because my Hs mother and the rest of the family wouldn't have it. As much as they tried over the years, FIL and wife #2 were frozen out and none of them would even speak to either one of them.

I once asked why they couldn't forgive. I was told that he was an adulterer and that she chose to sleep with a married man for four years, knowing full well that he was married! She broke up the marriage and that was the deal breaker. The hurt, anger and animosity lasted even after my MIL died, because H's broken family never forgave her.

....and that's my 'biased' perspective....sorry if I was too harsh but for years I've known up close and personal, the lingering damage and the hurt that an affair can inflict on a family.

The hatred is obviously coming from her mother but she is old enough to make her own decisions. She shouldn't expect an invitation to your home unless her attitude changes. Your husband should back you up on that.
My stepdaughter hates me because in her words I don't "love" her mother. Can't stand the woman in fact.

CBBL, I was so sad to read your post. No one should to be treated the way you were..... You have obviously coped with such a lot...... and for your step daughter to alter the wording that you had both agreed upon for the newspaper is just unforgivable. ???

I feel sad for the OP - but sympathise. I had a similar situation for some time. As a widow, I met a man who was a widower for about 12 years. His children were teenagers when their mother died (from Cancer) We went on Holidays together and spent alternative weekends together for nine years before getting married. My then husband (now deceased) had two children (I have none), one son and one daughter. The son was reasonably accepting - but the daughter hated me with a passion which never abated. She rarely visited her father, but would be deliberately rude to me, ignoring any attempts of mine to make conversation, leaving the room if I spoke to her. She even made abusive phone calls to me from her own home. She would say nasty things to me when her father was not in hearing. When he died, she put a notice in the paper (we had agreed the wording between us for the notice I paid for) which said - "Re-united at last with his wife X" He would never speak to her about her behaviour, and if I complained would say that he felt he was "in the middle" and hated it!

Scotwap

Your husband should do what mine done
He told his daughter..... you may not like my wife but you will respect her when you are in my home
So put your shoes on and there’s the door and until you can show some respect I don’t want you here
It took a couple of months before she came back....thankfully with a different attitude

Well done that man! You have a diamond there Scotwap! Sometimes, straight talking is all that's needed.

Thank you all ! It’s certainly very comforting to read all the wonderful advice that you are giving.
Willa45, I had never really thought about it from your point of view. My husband had been legally separated for 5 years before I met him and I do know from his sisters and late mother that he was extremely upset about the breakup of his marriage. But as you rightly point out even though legally separated he was still married so maybe that might explain why his first wife was so angry, but why be angry with me ? She had someone new in her life by then....... I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand why I should be asking to be to forgiven.....

I am so sorry you are suffering, but I can identify with your step daughter in a way. When my parents divorced I only wanted a relationship with my Dad and took no interest at all in my step mother, I was just glad she made my Dad happy. I never even knew her surname.

Could you all stop blaming the first wife for anything. You have one person's perception of what happened. That person did not know what had happened in the marriage. Some men tell porkies about their first wives, some men don't really try to maintain a relationship with their children, some men then feel guilty and try to compensate. All of these are more possible than the first wife filling anyone with anything although I can understand that it relieves the feelings of guilt the second wife may feel to blame the mother.

I'm a stepmother my DSD is 49 and of she carried on like that she wouldn't be coming to my home Clearly the 1st wife wasn't happy that a divorce proceeded after you were on the scene and filled her children with vitriol but this behaviour from an adult is not acceptable

Willa45, I'm very sympathetic towards your point of view.

Jaffa feels as though the step-daughter sometimes "completely ignores" her when she visits. Regardless of whether or not it's family or step-family, to ignore someone is not nice.

I think that for her father to 'have a quiet word' would simply over-egg it, making it more intense than it needs to be. This is between two women. If they were not related by marriage, how would Jaffa react to a grown woman in her house choosing to ignore her?

I am very unforgiving and, in Jaffa's shoes, I'd delight in returning the treatment of ignoring her. Let her approach her father to enquire the reason for the cold shoulder, if she's bothered by it.

But I do think that the tea and cake part indicates trying too hard to have a happy step-family gathering for a warm bonding session that's just never going to happen.

Start brushing up on your cold looks, Jaffa. She doesn't deserve your warmth.

So if I understand your timeline correctly, here are the optics in this case:

- Separated or not, your H was still married when you met
him in 1998.
- He stayed married for two more years.
- He got divorced because he wanted to marry you.
- He told you it was his first wife who wanted the marriage to
end,
- He was the bigger more generous party during the divorce
proceedings (aggrieved parties are never that generous)

So here's my two cents worth:
Would it be a stretch to say that maybe first wife wasn't actually the one who wanted the marriage to end?
Perhaps first wife was even hoping for a reconciliation, after all, you met with her and she all but told you she still loved him.
I'm not saying their marriage wasn't in trouble, but the fact that he waited two years to divorce after he met you, would explain her anger....Like it or not, he was a married man and then you came along. From the children's perspective, you broke up their parent's marriage.

After 21 years you expect to be forgiven, but my advice would be to move on. It's very unlikely you will win them over by trying, so don't. If you're tired of putting up up with all the hostility in your own house, tell H to find another venue for his family reunions.

I have seen this many times. It’s down to your husband to give his grownup children support and possibly consider counselling. It doesn’t matter who you think is right or wrong the break up of their parents marriage has left very deep pain. I’m afraid his daughter may never be your friend and you have to maintain your dignity and be pleasant to her. Always give him time to see his daughter alone because there’s no place for you in her life right now. I would encourage him to suggest counselling and support him if he agrees. I’m sorry it’s not satisfactory for you but give them space to allow her to explore her feelings and one day she may thank you or she may not. The responsibility lies with your husband to sort this so don’t allow him to ignore this problem as no one will heal if you don’t at least suggest this and whilst they go through counselling (hopefully) butt out and only listen.
Good luck

Jaffacake As a mother, I would be ashamed if my D behaved in the ill bred manner of your SD toward anyone. No, I am not saying she needs to like you, but good manners determine she show respect for you and your home. It seems to me SD needs to understand she is a guest and behaviour appropriately.

Before SD's next visit, I would explain to her F just how unpleasant her lack of respect makes you feel. And suggest in future could he please consider meeting her else where or visiting her at her home. Tell him you want him to enjoy his relationship with his daughter and grandchildren, but it can no long be at the cost of your well being and comfort.

I’m in practically the same situation as you, my step-son is fine with me but his older sister (aged 41) has not spoken to me or my daughters for over 7 years (despite me being married to her father for 30 years...). Just get on with your happy life, let DH see his daughter away from your home, this seems to work for me anyway. I don’t know what it is about ex-wives & their daughters sometimes? I’ve always encouraged my daughters to be polite to my ex-husband’s new partners/wives as it makes life much simpler!
Don’t blame yourself, it’s her with the problem ?

Jaffacakes - I agree with virtually everything on this stream. And the idea that you are ignored in your own home by your adult sd is quite appalling. When she comes into your home she takes something from you and I don't see how ignoring you when you're in this kind of transaction is civil in any way. As for condemning the sd, it's perfectly reasonable to expect her to 'grow up' as he's an adult with children of her own, not a teenager who feels her father has deserted her, or chosen another woman over her and her mother. If she's not prepared to engage in a conversation with you she doesn't deserve your hospitality It's as simple as that and I would make it known to your OH that you feel uncomfortable with her attitude towards you. It's not up to you to vacate your property for her convenience.

Your husband has got it easy, hasn’t he?

I have skimmed the comments you have received but I think that the daughter is old enough. Frankly, she’s made her point and it’s time to stop now.

You’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve done your best all the way along but she insists on behaving appallingly in your home.

Of course, the daughter can’t be made to like you but your husband is being utterly unreasonable in expecting that she should be able to come into your home and behave so appallingly. Does he always avoid confrontation?

If he wants to see his daughter, who is very much an adult, then he should visit her.

It is your home too, you should be able to live there in peace.

Stop making an effort, baking for her children. If you keep giving she will keep taking advantage.

Please look after yourself.

I'd just plan to go shopping when she comes. Simple as that.