DH taking no action

Crossed posts - so he has made the call. I am so pleased.

It will get better I promise you. I struggled for a long time. I couldn't work but took many language courses and as I said in the end I didn't want to come back.

I wish you all the best.

It is frustrating I know.

We were lucky when we moved abroad as we had a young baby and not much time to sell our house. We had a great estate agent who suggested renting it out. At first it only just covered the mortgage but after 18 years (we only went for 2!) the value had gone up so much it was worth it. When we came back we sold and moved to another part of the country. We had in the meantime also bought a house over there.

Getting everything together is very hard but I know you are struggling to settle at the moment but it does get better and in the end I really did not want to come back to the UK.
The sale will go through I am sure. My son is in the same position. As I said to him suddenly everything will happen and be completed. If the buyers have got the mortgage in place they have obviously spent money so will not want to lose the sale.

Just be patient.

Once again, thanks for your replies and for the kind wishes.

I can make a call on his phone, but it's HIS bloody phone, not mine and I have to ask as it's required for work calls. I have my own phone but I can't make international calls on it and I can zoom my UK friends but you know when you just want a good old winge about your DH with your tribe, you don't want to do it with him in the next room. He's been working from home due to CV since February. This is probably part of the problem.

I could take the sale in hand, I may have to, but I had been navigating this for 18 months and dealt with many issues and had had enough. I was exhausted, I became ill, I'm now recovering. He said he'd deal with it.

I could return to the UK for a visit but I need the permission of his company and the local govt to return. I also need to isolate in a hotel for 2 weeks, longer if someone on my flight tests positive, at my expense and many people are not being allowed back in, it's a bit of pot luck. Many countries in the world have closed their borders and we are in one of them. Very CV safe but not great when you are homesick. I should have been home for 2 months earlier in the year, maybe another part of the problem?

I was volunteering, CV put a stop to that, I had planned to take an academic course, same thing happened. I can meet with friends in groups of 5, that's enough and is a great help. I'm putting myself out there in the expat world, it's just a very different life to home and I'm taking time to adjust, I guess.

We came here because we had no choice, his job required it, it wasn't part of the bigger plan and we're not chasing big money, expat packages are not what they used to be. His company would not accept me staying in the UK, we tried that, seriously, they wouldn't!

Thanks again, your input has been really helpful. It's 'wine o'clock' so I'm off for something cold and wet.

P.S he phoned the solicitor!

Presumably you are living in a country where women have no rights whatsoever Probably plenty of money to be made but apart from any ex pat friends nothing at all for you
I think I would have let him do the posting himself and stayed at home with family friends and career (just as a service wife would) and let him visit me ...however you didn’t do that and obviously you ve had enough and the house sale and the husbands lack of proactivity is the straw that broke the camels back
I can only imagine what I d do and that’s return to my home country and as you’re a proactive person sort out Living and hopefully some kind of job and wait for him to finish and join you or not which ever way it goes

Just remember you are paying them for their services badger away to your hearts content you have been more than patient. Unfortunately you will have to do this as your husband is not being at all helpful.

Either there is something else wrong, or you are over-reacting.

I cannot imagine seriously threatening to pack my bags and leave just because DH refused to do something he knows fine well he should.

Like you, I want things done at once, but that is just not the way my husband is, nor is yours.

I quite honestly don't understand why you didn't phone the solicitor when your husband didn't. Surely you could find a post office that had a phone you could make an overseas call from, if DH wouldn't lend you his phone?

Phone the solicitor now. If he insists on speaking to your husband, give him your husband's number.

Once that is out of the way, sit down and think very carefully about whether your threat to leave was serious, or not.

My ex had got a new job in N.Ireland where I'm from so I'd to stay behind in England to try to sell our home. Took forever and I just wanted to be home to my elderly parents who he had moved in with until we could house hunt with the money from the sale of our house. He dragged feet, was no help at all and was having a ball, out socialising with his new colleagues like a single man again. I had to take over the whole lot and I knew I'd sort it out a lot quicker. I think he was turning down offers cos he was having a great time and didn't want me there! You deal with it all and hopefully it will all move a lot quicker, mine did.

You say you've moved for his work. You've not mentioned whether you're working, only that you've left your career. So, if I assume you're not working then you have more time on your hands.
Are you being unreasonable? Quite possibly.

I forgot to add insurance companies won't insure a property left empty for more than 30 days at a time.

Personally, I don't think ultimatums are a great way of moving forward but I do understand your frustration. It really does sound as if there is more going on here than the sale of the houses. For an undriven man, you have found yourself making many sacrifices in order for him to have the job he wants. That sounds like he is capable of doing what he needs to when he chooses to. One thing I would say though, is if he is a passive aggressive sort of fellow, the more you push, the more he'll resist. Have you tried telling him how unhappy you are? It's difficult for him to address without him being fully aware of how serious this is. A very serious, "We need to talk about our future," may have a better chance of getting attention than a packed bag which looks like you are throwing your toys out of the pram even though you might be fully justified!
37 years is a long time investment and if, on balance, you are happier than unhappier, then find a way through this. If it is the other way round, there are some serious decisions to be made. Maybe listing the pros and cons before having a very serious discussion of how to move on will help.
I do hope you get it sorted but maybe more work is needed on both sides to make your marriage more balanced or at least make it feel more balanced for you.

I revel in this power that we all share these days. Our mothers would of course have just got on and done it but probably have needed husband's permission to do anything financial or legal. We , on the other hand , speak to any official with our own sense of authority and organize whatever has to be done. Hard work, undoubtedly, but empowering too.

I'm afraid you do pay council tax on an empty property. You might get a payment holiday if it's unliveable, or a discounted rate if it's a holiday home.

Hopefully your husband has a limited time contract in this country where you are not allowed the usual freedoms. My experience of living abroad is that each year goes faster than the last. However difficult the country is there should be some classes in an interesting hobby, language, etc. to help you get a purposeful structure to your very circumscribed life.

In the light of your husband having less push than you, you may decide that if it is a 5 year contract you will do 4 and fly home early to get everything sorted for your husband's return. If you get a plan in your mind of how you are going to work with this time despite the social limitations hopefully you will feel better and make carefully thought out decisions if you feel that your marriage is finished.

All the very best.

Janeparry39, you are in the past I’m afraid. Council tax has to be paid whether the house is empty or not.

I think your situation is worse than a lockdown over here!

Im horrified actually. Not the frustration of the house but your isolation and loss of significance.

Is there any kind of social life there?

Sing19 just wondering if you have access to the internet can you do Zoom calls with friends you have left in the UK? Talking to them might just help you feel better. You could also stat a course of some kind it would fill some time for you.

On a slightly different note , I was with my partner for 22 years until he passed away last October. During that time we enjoyed endless holidays , at home and abroad , as well as belonging to a caravan club who put on many events . That said , it was myself , every single time , who had to book and organise everything down to the last detail , even packing our suitcases. At times it felt overwhelming and I’d ask him to step in , but his answer was always the same “ your much better at these things than myself “ . That said , he has now passed away and the emptiness i now feel is just plain awful and cruel . So, my suggestion is , as your good at doing these things , do it with a good heart as one day he may not be around and that will be a thousand times worse . I’d organise another 60 trips wholeheartedly if I could only have him back .

if you are fed up with his ways, then why not take some time away from him and the situation. Can you not visit family or friends?The space can often give a clearer view. It doesn't mean it is the end of your marriage? Selling houses is so stressful for the best of us,when you have 2 for sale then yikes!!
good luck

My DH is just the same and I do get tired of all the responsibility being mine. However, he is also kind, loving and supportive in many ways. I can’t imagine life without him so I just get on with things. If the good is not outweighing the bad then it’s time to do something about it.

It's not possible to have your own phone or bank account here if you are a dependant of the individual with the employment pass. I have my own bank account in the UK but not here, I'm on the mortgage at home, used to work, have a role and a value, but not here.

What on earth do I do all day? What a horrible remark to make to someone who's struggling at the moment.

We're not sure how long we have to remain here but if we do return to the U.K it won't be to the same part of the country. We'd recently renovated our house for living in and didn't want to take the risk of renting it while we were out of the country. After tax as an overseas resident, rent wouldn't make much dent in the mortgage and I suspected I'd have to deal with all the issues single handed. I looked into it and the pros didn't outweigh the cons so felt this was the better option. I had considered leaving it empty and just paying the mortgage but there are other issues associated with this like insurance. Also, after talking to many people who had rented their property while abroad, the general concensus was it was a big risk.

I am friendly with people here but a conversation like this is usually shared with friends you have formed a deep bond with and they are all in the UK. We are friendly with couples but something I shared with a female friend was repeated (changed and judged) in company by her husband, so I'm wary now.

As others have said it's down to you to get behind this sale and push. I do feel for you as that's always been my role with property purchases but to be fair that's been my choice.

It seems as if this isn't just your choice to sell and therefore there are other factors to consider. So wanting you OH to be involved is not unreasonable in the practical sense and I'm wondering if his lack of involvement may leave you feeling unsupported in the emotional sense.

I wonder if this has brought up different issues for you OP ?

From your original post you seemed to had a full life in your own right before your OH's job move.

From your next post you seem to be a non person where you are living right now.

If it were me I'd be asking if I could continue to live where you are for as long as you think you OH will be working there.

Years ago my OH was offered what looked like a great contract but I knew from friends that I couldn't live the life that went with it so that was a no go for us.

I'd had friends who tried the life where they gave up career, friends, hobbies and so on only to find what they had moved to was no life for them. No own bank account, no career, no old friends and one friend said it was her no being able to carry on her sporting hobby that did it for her.

I really would be thinking hard not about packing bags because of OH not getting behind the sale. Rather I'd be working out if you (and or OH) can live the life of an Ex-pat where you are.

Ironically, years after we turned down OH contract, and the kids had left home, I was the one who went to work in the Gulf on my own as OH was working in France :-) Happy Days

As for getting things moving with house sales, it seems as if it is down to you so get behind it if you want the sale to happen.

Re solicitors not responding to e-mails, I'd be making myself a right pest. Bombard them with e-mails, every hour if you have to . E-mail everyone in the firm your using, go be a pest.

Get a friend or other family involved, write instructing the solicitor to answer enquiries from you appointed person. Get your appointee to call them every day for an update, do what you have to do.

I wish you lots of Luck because everyone needs a bit of luck now and then.

Sing19 I get you completely!! I don't think you want to sell. I think you have cold feet about the hole relocation. Don't be forced into something this life changing if you're not completely confident with this decision. You say in your post that you will be moving away from all you know and love ,that's a massive sacrifice. Cant your husband relocate on his own and rent a small apartment while you stay home and keep the home fires burning, if it's going to be a long term move then I think you have a decision that needs to be made and at our age I think you can be a little bit selfish. You need to talk to him about you in particular going home. I hope you get your happy ever after even if it is on your own.

Sing19you sound very unhappy and the house is the last straw. Make lists. Things which you can change easily, things you can't change.Then change what you can and decide if you can put up with what remains. If you feel you can't then perhaps you need to move somewhere else.
It sounds as if your DH comes into the "can't change" category.

Sounds to me as if the relationship is already at an end. If this is one in a long line of irritations there is not much point in hanging on. It seems that you have up-ended everything to support your DH and feel angry that he has not reciprocated. If you can afford to live indpendently you don’t have to be trapped.

I think your DH has enough on his plate with a new job, plus dealing with a deceased estate.
You have shown yourself capable of doing things from a distance as regards the house, so why not deal with your own house sale as long as your DH is happy for you to do so ?
I know it's frustrating for you, thinking your husband is digging in his heels and not being pushy enough but marriage is a partnership and I really see no reason why you can't deal with the sale of your own house!
Also think that for your DH, dealing with a deceased estate may also be bringing up some emotional responses and ties that he may either not be acknowledging or may be not even realising he has!