I feel so guilty

Your brothers received what your DM wanted them to have. You have no responsibility for helping your DB.

I would sell the house and split the money with your brothers. It would be on my conscience forever if I didn’t. Especially since you weren’t there for your brothers, is there a difference in them being absent now, and you being absent in the past? Your mother clearly didn’t consider this when making her will. You should do the right thing.

Before even thinking of parting with your inheritance check the legal and tax situation, the last thing you want is to create an unexpected liability for anyone - giving gifts means that some tax would be due should you die withing 7 years, very different from a variation of a will. Also, what do your children think about this as really it's now their future inheritance, not just your money. I'd go with what your Mum intended tbh, these were her wishes.

Just what I was going to say LeeN!

Complaining about 'lack of money' is very subjective and is usually dependant on our expectations of life. While to some it may mean that they're struggling to pay their rent, to others it may mean they can't afford a second foreign holiday or to buy the higher spec car they would really like.

Realistically Loulou, by giving your brother some of the cash that your mum left you, you may be disadvantaging your own children and grandchildren to help finance your brother's lifestyle.

I'm sure your mum knew that your house was tied to your husband's job and wanted to give you some security going forward. It's not as though your brothers were disinherited and received nothing, although some posters seem to have assumed this, they may have received substantial financial help in the past that you know nothing about.

When my dad died he left his estate shared 3 ways, my brother my sister and myself. My brother had been troublesome to my parents throughout his life and my sister asked me, as excecutor not to give my brother his third portion. Although my brother had caused immense problems to all of us, I felt honour bound to do what dad wanted and shared everything three ways. Your mother made her will and now you are in control of what you spend your money on. Don’t be forced into doing something through any feelings of guilt.

What constitutes lack of money by your brother?
My sister is always bleating about having no money and we would always give her cash, take her son on holiday with us etc. Then we found out that all her clothes and shoes are designer and that she ate out 5 times a week as well as evenings out.
What I'm saying is check his lifestyle does he have a social life, drink, smoke?
If not then maybe he is desperate but if he does then I think it may just be the usual grumblings of life.

There was a post on GN some time ago where a daughter had begged her mother to stop giving her brother money, as she was frightened he would start asking her when the mother died. Some people just can't control money and rely on the kindness of their family to continually bail them out. Harden your heart to his hinting and keep your hard saved money.

You were living in tied accommodation - it seems perfectly logical to leave you the house. If the money was split between you, I’m not sure why your brother thinks you owe him anything. It’s a pity your mum didn’t explain her decision to you more clearly, but she may have had very good reasons for not wanting to share the house between you, Eg if your brothers are not very good at handling large sums of money, or if there was a verbal agreement for the loans they had to be paid back to the estate by receiving less in the will. Once you set up a dependency, where someone is expecting to be helped out financially, it’s very difficult to break it - I honestly think I’d ignore his hints until he gives up.

In my own similar experience, if you help out once he will never stop asking.

Loulou31
I understand how your feeling, but your mum helped your brothers out when they asked for it, and to me it's obvious they have no financial savvy, otherwise why did your mum have to keep giving them it, she literally became their " cash cow ". So no, I don't think you should give any of your money to them because it will become a habit. She gave you what she did for a reason, if she'd wanted them to have more she would have left them extra. Don't be guilt tripped into giving them your money, because that's what's happening here. It's emotional blackmail, and it's obviously working or you wouldn't have needed to ask GN for advice. I doubt they,ll spend it wisely, and I think your mum knew it.

You have no reason to feel guilty and would guess that this is the string pulling that your brother is currently doing.
I also wonder if the main reason he got back in touch with you in the first place!
For most of your adult life. you did what you had to do without outside financial help from anyone, but it seems that your brothers had been supported financially throughout that time by your mum which sadly probably meant that at least this particular brother either couldn't, or more likely couldn't be bothered to get himself sorted out - why did he need to, when he had the bank of mum to bail him out each time?
I think that quite rightly, you mum has given you your share that was due and if you cave in to his hints and then demands from this brother, it will never stop -you will become the bank of sister!
It's not your fault that your brother can't cope financially - it sounds like he has never had to!
I'm with your husband on this = don't lend out whatever little you have or you may find yourself struggling financially in the future. It really is not worth it brother or no brother!

You say “we are not wealthy” .... and on that basis, you should not give your adult brother any money, as you do not know what is round the next corner for you and your immediate family. Many people are struggling financially and each has to find their own way thro. Have you asked him why he is struggling ? Does he work ? Does he waste money ? Many live their lives expecting others to bale them out financially and you are not responsible for an adult sibling. Harsh but true and your Mum didn’t put him in the Will for a reason.

It’s amazing how people crawl out of the woodwork when there’s money involved!

Your mother left the house to YOU. It’s obviously up to you if you want to give some money away, but don’t forget, your brothers lived with your mother long after you married.

I know it’s hard, but nobody can make the decision but you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loulou31 - the facts are that your mother made a will when in sound body and mind, and decided that you should inherit. You were out of her life for around 20 years as you say and you have no idea what she did/didn't give to your brothers. She may very well have allowed them to live rent free and in fact substantially underwritten their future with gifts of money that you don't know about, whereas she didn't do that for you. Her decision to leave you her estate would have been made taking into account how she wanted her children to benefit. Communication is the best strategy in my mind - your brother who is always moaning about money may well have used this tactic with your mother and she may always have bankrolled him, enabling him in his mis-management. So I think and full and frank conversation about what he does with his money is in order before you even think about deciding to share out what you have. If your mother had wanted that she would have said so. As for the idea that it's all yours and you can over-ride her wishes and divide it out amongst yourself and your brothers if you wish, yes of course it is legally yours to do with as you want but morally it's wrong to do that and once you start to give/loan money you may find it very hard to say no further down the line. You do also need to consider your husband in this. He's likely to be more objective.

Lots of people complain about not having (enough) money, even when living relatively comfortable lives. It doesn't always mean they actually need money, and can be the same as the British always complaining about the weather.

You don't say he's actually asked for money, so until that day, I wouldn't worry - maybe he never will ask.

I don’t think you owe your brothers anything. They had more than their share while your mother was alive. You got the house which has put a roof over your head and the cash was divided equally. If your brother has squandered his share you don’t have to give him yours.

You are not being unreasonable, and you are not being selfish. I have been in a similar position myself. When your brother starts his self-pitying mewling just tell him that you know exactly how he feels. No comments, just fake sincerity. He will get the message, believe me. Don’t feel guilty, think of your children, which is exactly what your mother did & what she would want you to do. Good luck.

M0nica is spot Loulou31.
They had their share when you mother was alive.

Woah! You don’t have your own money! It’s a marriage. You both own everything. Whatever you decide must be a joint decision.

My Nan left everything to me. When she died, following a long stay in care, there was only £21,000 left. I felt guilt and split it with my mum (her daughter) and my brother. My brother is feckless and paid off debts with it and Mum banked hers. On Mum’s death (not too long after)it went to Dad (still in a lump) and he almost immediately transferred all his savings to to a new woman! I feel guilty again, I should have gone with Nan’s wishes. She wanted me and my girls to have the money and I let her down.
My advice would be to do exactly what you Mum wanted!

Guilt is an emotion felt when we knowingly do something wrong. You are not guilty you are confused. You are wondering whether you have some responsibility to your brother in terms of money. You don't. Focus on your own family.

I was in a similar situation, LouLou, and I would say that your Mum left you the house and that is now in the past - you should not feel guilty about it. I went on feeling responsible for my brother for some years, but recognised that my real responsibility lay with my husband and family. My aunt, who knew all the circumstances and history, and had no doubt talked with my Mum about it all, told me that my brother was not my responsibility, and to let it go. So I did! Hope you can too. Good Luck.

It shouldn't be a matter of conscience. More a matter of, if he is genuinely in need, do you want to, and are you able to, help him out, as a human being and friend and relative. You've certainly no moral obligation, your Mum left her money as eh saw fit and, as has been pointed out, had time to change her will if she wanted. But if you do want to give him money - which would not be going against your Mums wishes, your assets are yours to do with as you wish - I'd suggest making a one-off gift (not loan) and making it clear that it is just that.

your mother said she only saw her sons when they wanted something, now they want something off you. Where there's a will there's a relative'. Why don't you ask your brother if he thinks your mum should have give him part of the will?
a delicate area, but it could be worded in some way?