Special occasions

Happy birthday Clare oh dear these birthdays do cause problems ... like the rest of comments our OH’s do need to be told in advance ...... we’re having this as it’s my birthday and your cooking ...... like you I don’t need anything except ‘thought ‘ my OH asked where were pancakes last night I replied I didn’t think we celebrated anymore ?? met with a silence think he’s still trying to work it out ....... treat yourself to an ‘indulgent ‘

eazybee was a little harsh but I think if someone responses like that, there is probably a reason. The clue is in her response and maybe she just needs someone to reach out and say hay are you ok?
I am a widow and I spend every day alone and it is dam hard. My birthday is Christmas day and I can tell you no one ever remembers and no one ever has.
My dad resented me too, and I get how that comes back but your dad isn’t your husband.
Your husband is sorry so why don’t you suggest doing something together, that you enjoy, maybe baking , watching a movie or crafting, he could make you a card.
My late husband never remembered my birthday but I can tell you I would give anything to spent five mins with him right now. Be careful what you wish for And happy birthday.

Dear ClareAB I'm so sorry you were rejected by your father and I'm sure your upset is prompted by this as much as by what your husband is failing to do. Perhaps you feel rejected by him as well and that is what really hurts. Please tell him that you would like him to make you a nice meal or if he can't, buy a takeaway and give you a card and, most importantly, say Happy Birthday in the morning and "I love you."

My OH of almost 50 years is just the same. I can blame some of it on his upbringing. His parents were hard up and presents were always something you needed, rather than something you would enjoy. They almost always gave us money to buy presents for their grandsons, never buying a toy for them. One Christmas MIL said she was buying something for the 7 yr old eldest and he unwrapped a pair of school trousers! However we have been comfortably off and DH still cannot get presents for anyone. What I can never forgive him for is buying for me presents that he would like himself. An example was an expensive telephoto lens for HIS camera! On principle I never used it. Hints and outright requests fall on deaf ears. I dread Christmasses and birthdays as I feel totally unappreciated.

Easybee, are you okay?

I think you probably know that you would not be better off single and on your own.

That said, I do feel for you. My husband doesn't get the point of birthdays either. Stock phrase, "I don't know what to get you, you have everything, you never wear your jewelry."

I decided last birthday, when he thought it was two days later than it is, that from now on, I will plan something nice to do on my birthday. Lockdown certainly does not make that easier, but can you find a film to watch on Netflix that he wouldn't ever think of and that you want to see?

IMO it isn't worth being hurt by this typical husbandly behaviour. Plan your own fun and include him if possible. If not then birthday present to self is doing off and doing your own thing,

Last birthday, I went for a long walk on my own and told the ambient air how unreasonable DH is about birthdays. It did help.

Happy Birthday from me too.

I'd just jokingly say that you hope there is at the very least a bunch of flowers arriving tomorrow for your birthday! No reason, unless shielding, that he can't go and get the makings of a meal for the two of you - even if it is just the chilled ready meal type!
On the whole, it's a girl thing to want all the trimmings for celebrations - balloons, decorations, stockings etc . Most blokes think it's all too much of a faff and can't be bothered with it all !

Hi Clare snap its my birthday tomorrow too. I had the vaccine last weekend and that is probably the best present I could have. I do have a present from my husband which I bought on line and I doubt if I have a card. He is going to cook tea though so that will be nice. Give your husband a chance maybe he will come through next year when things are hopefully a bit better.

Your husband may yet surprise you, as you said he’s expressing sorrow you’re upset, so he does care. I hope you have a lovely birthday tomorrow

Btw your thought re leaving and living alone. There is some truth in that when you’re not in a relationship you have no expectations so can’t be disappointed. I found a certain freedom in that. However, for me, being with a.n.other person outweighed that. Look for your positives. You made references to therapy regards your father. I recognise that too. I think for many years - even now if I thought I could - I was trying to create a childhood fantasy that I’d never had. It might be time to forgive your past and look forward. I hope you have a lovely day whatever you do. ❤️

Wow eazybe - must be an absolute joy to know you!

Happy Birthday ClareAB, hope you can make the best of it. x

We’re a family that has never done “occasions” big or little. My first husbands parents were vile to each other every day and then pulled out all the stops for the anniversary’s etc. He thought it was the depth of hypocrisy. Mine just believed it was your everyday behaviour that counted.

Having said that, my sons partner is an ‘occasion/tradition’ person. He does his best but he needs telling what’s expected. I’m afraid the rest of us often fall short of expectation.?

As others have said Clare men need ‘guidance’ they take things literally J52 has the right idea, you need to clearly set your expectation, if he thinks you expect nothing, that’s what will happen. Enjoy your birthday however it pans out.

If it was up to a great many men Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries etc would not exist as they just do not regard them as the important events that women do. You have to spell it out for them and give lots of hints regarding presents.
After 50 years my OH is doing pretty well, it was my Birthday on Sunday and I had seen a lovely - not expensive - ring in a magazine and when I pointed it out to him he immediately said 'Go ahead and order it'. Not a surprise gift but something he knows I will enjoy and will make up for not being able to enjoy a nice meal with the family who only live just down the road but might as well be at the other end of the country.
We plan on a big BBQ when all this is over.

Have a nice day whatever you do.

Claire, Happy Birthday, I hope you are feeling better today?
You may have been a bit harsh on your husband, after all, you did tell him you didn't need anything. He has only done as you asked him.
I find I have to give my OH a few ideas/clues when it comes to birthdays and Christmas. If I told him I didn't want anything he would take me literally, as yours has done.

Oh I sympathise heartily. I’ve discovered you have to tell them what you want and give them all the tools/info. Hoping they’ll do it on their own is a fools errand. My OH was awful at Christmas. He’s not poor but was so mean with gifts. I nearly left as to me that meanness = a mean spirit. But, for valentines I told him I was making a nice meal and I expected him to make us both cocktails (we’ve never ever done that). I produced the tools, spirits and even new glasses. After a bit of hesitation he took to it and put lots of effort in. We’re now planning a regular cocktail evening. Sometimes you have to lead by the nose. Good luck.

Happy Birthday Clare. Lockdown and winter are really difficult times to have a birthday. Give your DH warning and tell him, write down your birthday Programme for the day.

Starting with breakfast in bed - menu to include Bucks Fizz. Then get all you best smellies and have a leisurely bath. Followed by a walk, stopping at a takeaway for hot chocolate and cake. Lunch prepared by him. Afternoon chocolates and flowers ( delivered ) watching a feel good film, while he prepares dinner, with the table set with candles!
Assuming your not shielding, most things can be bought today.

If you say you dont need anything then some , like your husband, might understandably take that literally. You DOI need something ...you need acknowledgement that it is your birthday, a bit of a fuss made and "proof" that he cares. You have to explain that very clearly ..."I don't need anything specific as a present but ..."

My husband is expressing apologies and sorrow that I am upset ...so he DOES care!

One other thing ...does he express it ion other ways in your daily life....it might be that he sees expressing care as showing in the little things - the cup of tea made, the lawn mowed and kept tidy, the dishwasher emptied, the walk to get the newspaper in the cold ...whatever version that might be for you and him in your relationship!??

Happy birthday

Bit harsh eazybee?

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I find that men are often pretty useless at this kind of thing. But it's probably our own fault as there has been a tendency for women to take responsibility for remembering birthdays and organising celebrations.

Perhaps some "Can we..." suggestions to him about how to make it a celebration?

Happy birthday Clare. Pamper yourself all day and suggest hubby does the cooking - he maybe hasn’t even thought of anything like that. Some don’t. He sounds like my brother in law. Strong silent type, very reliable but so silent you never hear from him from one month to the next and it simply doesn’t occur to him to communicate in any way. Never answers emails.

Many Happy Returns of your birthday Clare.
I think you need to let it be known that you are looking forward to being treated all day - breakfast in bed, lovely lunch and a celebratory birthday dinner. You intend to have a long pamper session, spend the day with your feet up but will assist by setting the dinner table. ???

Happy Birthday Clare! I hope your sons and their families give you the best possible day in the present circumstances.