Special occasions

Belated happy birthday, ClareAB!

So - How did it go? Did you manage to do something or are you just glad it's all over?

"Happy Birthday, Clare"
Here are some for you and a glass of
Enjoy Your Day!!!!!

Hetty58

Good point, Coco51. We didn't expect Christmas cards from elderly relatives (don't want them to go shopping) and it seems frivolous to 'celebrate' in these times, too.

Hmm I disagree. I bought my mum lots of cards and she sent more than usual. We wrote notes in many of them and she got lovely replies from friends she hadn’t seen for years. It was a nice thing to pass her time in lockdown

Your mum had the right idea! My husband and I have been together for 46 years, since we were 18, married for 37. We came from very different backgrounds but when we were young and in love we both were prepared to make an effort to accommodate each others differences!
We are now both retired, and living with him 24/7 is absolute torture for me! It has become very clear to me that we have very different values and hopes for our retirement and this has caused a major rift in our relationship! My husband has, over the years, become very much like his own father was! It's taken me a long time to see what he is really like, and I don't much like him these days! However, I have accepted I cannot change him, so once lockdown is over, I am seriously considering leaving him! Fortunately, I have a good pension in my own right, so I do have the means to bail out!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! Your husband sounds a lot like mine, who since he retired, has become Mr Grumpy and on occasion, tight-fisted with money!
We came from very different backgrounds. He grew up in a fairly large family, but in poor social circumstances, so there was never the money to make Christmas, birthdays etc a big celebration! They were a day much like any other! I am an only child and my parents always made Christmas and my birthday special for me, as did my grandparents! My parents were professional people and although not rich, they were comfortably off! So I grew up with a very different attitude towards celebrations than my husband did! When our own 2 children were growing up, I always did my best to make Christmas and their birthdays special! My husband sometimes complained about the money I spent, but as I worked full time as a Senior Nurse, and earned more than he did for a long time, it was my money, not his, that paid for it all!
My husband used to buy me lovely presents on my birthday when we were younger and we also went out for a meal to celebrate! However, I suppose he feels he doesn't need to make an effort any more, now we are in our 60s! ? There's zero physical affection either - not even a hug or a peck on the cheek! And what's even worse is that he denies there's anything wrong and won't speak about his feelings! He was always quiet but this is something else! ?
Living in lockdown with him is absolute torture for me, so once it's over, I am seriously considering leaving him and getting my own place! I am nearly 64, and I could be here for a few years yet, and I don't plan on spending them being made miserable! ?

Good point, Coco51. We didn't expect Christmas cards from elderly relatives (don't want them to go shopping) and it seems frivolous to 'celebrate' in these times, too.

I’m wondering if this may be the response to the more transmissible mutations of the virus

ClareAB, I don't really 'get' special occasions either. I'd be quite happy to ignore them.

I do try to make some effort (as I know that others can think they are important, somehow) - but it's only a forced and fake expression, just to keep the peace.

From me, of course, it's not a genuine gesture of affection, regard, recognition etc. Surely, a fuss at Christmas (or for a birthday) should only be important to a child, not an adult?

the sins of the father are visited upon the husband.
not really fair is it.

Happy Birthday, Clare. Hope you have an enjoyable day inspite of everything. Have a hot bath and surround yourself with candles and soft music.

You know the old adage - if you want something doing, do it yourself (or words to that effect!). I have come to realise that if I want to feel treated on my birthday I do it for myself and invite anyone else who wants to join in (or not). I have had some lovely days out, met friends for afternoon tea (not so easy this year) and taken myself off to craft fairs, gone on beach walks, some with my nearest and dearest and sometimes on my own. Either way I get a day to remember and celebrate the fact that I am lucky to be here
Perhaps what you are missing is feeling loved and cared for?

Accepted years ago that I won’t get a card or present for birthday or Christmas as my husband has dementia. I just buy myself something that I would really like , that way you never get something that you don’t want/ like!

I'm not fussed about special occasions or folks remembering my birthday which is just as well because DH forgets all dates.
Last month was our Golden Wedding anniversary which we had talked about just after New Year.
One day he suddenly said "is it the 23rd on Saturday?". This surprised me as I thought he'd actually remembered our anniversary! When I said yes, he said "oh good, this cabbage will be still in date, I'll have it with those sausages". . It was a while before I could stop laughing enough to explain - good job I luv him so much.

Please don’t let it be miserable, put your favourite music on as loud as possible, get a glass or better still a bottle of your favourite tipple and dance your socks off. ( I’m usually puffed out after 5 mins but it’s well worth it) ???????⭐️Happy Birthday to you , trala trala

If I want anything for Christmas or my birthday I have to organise it myself. I do all the buying of Christmas presents for our children. He did get me a Valentine's card from the local corner shop this year but I bought my own chocolates with my own money. In normal times, we go out for my birthday but I am the one that organises that. The best thing to do is to get your own birthday presents etc yourself with his money. I know it isn't the same but at least you can spoil yourself.

Happy Birthday ???????????????

You said that you didn't need anything and he took you literally. What you need is some sort of acknowledgement that it's a special day for you. You probably should have given him a steer to what you would have liked. I don't really think that presents are actually about needing, otherwise the most popular present this month would be Wellington boots!

Happy Birthday Clare. ?
My DH would also take it literally if I told him I wanted nothing, but would probably keep asking if I was sure.
I find it better to be specific- e.g.
Don’t worry about a card (unless you really want one), in which case don’t say you don’t want one.

Don’t spend a lot on a present right now but I’d love a meal at . . . when lockdown finishes.

You may not want ‘things’ but if he’s expressing sorrow that you are upset, tell him what you’d like so both of you feel better.

I sent gifts to my grandchildren that's all. To all intents and purposes in our home you'd not have guessed it was xmas at all, we simply ignored it.

A Happy Birthday Clare,I am sure you will get a surprise today, we are all thinking about you and sending flowers and hugs

If he doesn't want to be really bothered you
go and buy yourself something you really want, treat yourself. I get up every birthday & Christmas alone, not nice at all, but I make sure I've Bucks Fizz, croissants and a present to open (from the dog lol). It's your special day, so you make it one. Get out and buy the biggest cake you can find. Happy Birthday to you any Gransnetters having a birthday soon.xx

It's my birthday on Friday. I have no husband. You really don't want to be in this position.

I will get cards from the family, but no presents because I made it clear I don't want "stuff" I accept that, and so do they.

But - no-one to wake up with, kiss good morning (however peremptory), share the breakfast / lunch / dinner table with, watch TV with... nah! You don't want to go there.

You can only make the situation better by accepting it.

But, all that aside, Happy Birthday!

Whilst I can sympathise as my dh was the same, but I do not, and never will, understand women who marry men with certain characteristics and habits, then spend the rest of their lives miserable and unhappy, and in most cases inflicting misery on their partners, by trying to change them into someone else! My mum told me years ago, marry him for what he is, not for what he wants to be and certainly not for what you want him to be!

Enjoy your birthday- buy a cake, have a couple of candles then eat the cake yourself. You did after all declare you didn't want anything and that means anything. With the background you describe no wonder you seem quite attention seeking with having to celebrate almost anything. You've taken 13 years to realise your DHs views on such occasions!!