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Mothers Day

(25 Posts)
Grandmadinosaur Mon 08-Mar-21 18:46:57

I recently lost my mum. Not even had the funeral till next week. My husband has just been asking me about what type of flowers I thought he should send to his mum. Is this insensitive or what? I was a bit off with him about it especially as MIL hasn’t even spoken to me about my bereavement. She’s a rather selfish lady who only ever talks to DH on the telephone and who’s only happy when she’s the centre of attention so on this occasion I really wasn’t interested.

silverlining48 Mon 08-Mar-21 18:55:48

I am sorry about your mum, it’s so hard especially in these difficult times. I think your dh was thoughtless and I hope he said he was sorry.
This is a very sad time for you, talk to friends or family who will be more sensitive and I am sending you good wishes flowers

keepingquiet Mon 08-Mar-21 21:28:24

Yes he was insensitive. I hope you told him so. I am very sorry for your loss- next week will be the five year anniversary of my mum's death. Look to the people around you who will be supportive and sensitive at this difficult time. One day your husband will lose his mum too.

V3ra Mon 08-Mar-21 23:43:49

Yes it was insensitive, but men tend to compartmentalise so he probably didn't think about the link or the upset his question would cause you.
Sorry about your mum x

Bagatelle Mon 08-Mar-21 23:58:40

Tell him Deadly Nightshade.

Bagatelle Mon 08-Mar-21 23:59:33

Condolences. flowers

Dibbydod Tue 09-Mar-21 00:22:57

Sorry to hear about your mum but your husband’s mum is still about so he can’t just ignore his own mum on Mother’s Day , he no doubt loves his mum just like you do yours .
Maybe in hindsight he should have just chose his own flowers for her without asking you , but we’re not all perfect . Unfortunately life does go on .

NotSpaghetti Tue 09-Mar-21 00:50:30

Could he be trying to involve you?
Just a thought.

Nansnet Tue 09-Mar-21 06:24:15

This Mother's Day will be the anniversary of my Mum's death, and my Dad has also recently passed away (funeral next week), but my husband hasn't even thought about a gift for his own mum for Mother's Day ... as usual, it's left up to me. Frankly, I have more things to worry about right now, but I'll do the right thing, and send her a nice bouquet. Sometimes, men just don't think. Condolences to you

eazybee Tue 09-Mar-21 07:15:14

What an unpleasant remark, Bagatelle.

H1954 Tue 09-Mar-21 07:27:26

Sincere condolences for the loss your dear Mum. I lost my Mum some years ago and Mothers Day, her Birthday and Christmas are always difficult times.

I'm sure your OH meant no cruelty or malice, he may have been trying to include you to comfort you; either way, let it go.

Your MIL isn't your own Mum is she? Surely even she will understand how you are feeling right now.

You have enough to contend with in bereavement without being angry at OH or MIL.

Take each day as it comes and do take care of yourself ?

timetogo2016 Tue 09-Mar-21 09:40:20

I think V3ra has hit the nail on the head.
Very sorry for your loss.

Peasblossom Tue 09-Mar-21 09:48:40

They just don’t think. I don’t know why they lack that ability to make connections but they do. Or why they don’t understand how upsetting a thoughtless remark can be.

I always bought the Mother’s Day cards for his mother and mine. No problem I liked shopping. But, like you, Mothers Day came soon after my Mother had died. I told him he would have to buy his own card.

His reply? Oh, why can’t you get mine when you get yours.

Almost forty years later I still remember it?

Ilovedragonflies Tue 09-Mar-21 11:49:46

Bless you, Grandmadinosaur, I feel for you. My mother passed when I was in my 20s and it was a huge shock. Prior to the funeral, my house was filled with funeral flowers. Immediately after the ceremony and after-gathering, I was sent flowers by a well-meaning friend of my mother. They went straight in the bin - I reacted really badly to them. I would imagine you are feeling something similar - why on earth would you want to pick flowers for your MIL? Let your husband get on with it - he obviously didn't think about how you'd be feeling and I would hope that it came from a place of thoughtlessness. You have so much to deal with right now, and need to concentrate on being kind to yourself. Losing your mum is life-altering, no matter how old you are. People are thoughtless and don't understand unless it's happened to them. Try not to take it to heart. ((hugs))

cornishpatsy Tue 09-Mar-21 12:07:47

I am sorry for your loss.

Part of grief is anger as it is easier to deal with than sadness.

We get angry with those closest to us as it is safe, maybe that is what you are doing. What your husband did was possibly thoughtless, in that he just was not thinking about you when he asked about the flowers. Do not take it to heart it's really not that important.

Alioop Tue 09-Mar-21 13:27:48

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum. Your husband should of just got the flowers for his mum and not involve you, for this year anyway, as it's all too raw for you at the moment. I've just made up my flower arrangement to put on my mum's grave on Sunday and it made me very sad and it's been 9 years now. This has just happened to you so you must be feeling an overwhelming loss. Sending you big hugs.x

Summerfly Tue 09-Mar-21 13:55:37

So sorry you’ve lost your mum. Yes, your DH was very thoughtless, and I hope he has apologised to you. Sending hugs ?

TrendyNannie6 Tue 09-Mar-21 15:53:41

So sorry to hear you have recently lost your mum, yes it was a insensitive remark at this moment of time, I think he should have chosen the flowers himself and not said anything, I lost my mum quite a few years ago and every time Mother’s Day comes round I want to hide myself away, it seems that Mother’s Day cards are everywhere, adverts on the tele etc, constant reminder, be kind to yourself sending hugs

maydonoz Tue 09-Mar-21 16:23:00

Hi Grandmadinosaur
I am sorry to read of the loss of your Mum, no doubt you are feeling sad and grieving.
The main point that stood out for me was the fact that your Mil did not contact you and offer sympathy and condolences on the loss of your Mum. This is very hurtful for you and something you will not forget easily. It's not surprising you're not interested in your DH's choice of flowers for her.
Wishing you comfort and strength during the coming weeks and hope you get all the support you need from your family.

bikergran Tue 09-Mar-21 21:29:15

Yes Insensitive but a man, prob didn't give it a thought.

My mum died September so the first Mothers day with my mum.

The thing that makes it more painful, is I work in a Supermarket and have had to look at all the Mums day cards, plus I work Sunday so will have lots cards, little pressies coming through my checkouts.

I will try my best not to cry, luckily we wear masks.

bikergran Tue 09-Mar-21 21:29:38

With out my mum!

Grandmadinosaur Thu 11-Mar-21 19:49:22

Thank you all. Yes it was that he didn’t think as he often doesn’t he isn’t a malicious person by any means. Maydonaz you hit it right on the head re MIL and I will address it in my own time just not mentally up to that right now.
Yes it’s tough for those of us without our mums around but we just have to keep our chins up and carry on. ?

Grandmadinosaur Thu 11-Mar-21 19:54:22

Forgot to say Bikergran my heart goes out to you working in a supermarket with the public buying gifts etc. It’s ok to opt out of the MD e mails but what about people in the same position as you ? Stay strong ?

B9exchange Thu 11-Mar-21 20:05:23

I get round the card shop displays (not so much a problem this year!) by buying cards for DDiLs and DD, and writing inside them 'from one mum to another'. They probably think I am mad, but my mother used to give me one once I had children of my own, and it makes the day easier.

Purplepixie Sun 14-Mar-21 11:15:12

I am so very very sorry to hear that you lost your mam. Sending love and hugs. Men can be very insensitive especially when we want them to be the opposite. My DH is like trying to herd CATS at times and don’t stop to think what he has actually said. He could be trying to include you and have your opinion so that you don’t feel left out but he is being a bit insensitive. I have been estranged from my only daughter for 6 plus years now so there’s no card or flowers coming from that direction. Be kind to yourself.