Competitive Grandparenting

I know grandparents (mainly grandma) who in their mid 70's sold up a beautiful house and moved 400 miles south to be nearer their two grandsons. Now both of these boys are in their teens and spend very little time with their grandma, grandpa died in 2015. The parents of these boys rarely see grandma as they both have huge careers. This was all on the back of the fact that German Granny could fly over to see the boys easier than Scottish Grandma could get down to Kent both sets of grandparents forgot that the boys quickly grew up and aren't interested in their grandparents.

Perhaps our ways of grandparenting are set by what we encountered ourselves. If we liked it we do the same if we didn't we try to be different.
I feel so sorry for the lady who was not allowed to carry her own baby out of the hospital.
Lucky for me we had moved away from a very domineering MIL She visited us but I was not allowed to take the baby back to her town until the Aberdeen splint the poor mite had on their hips was removed at about two months old.
I had to isolate in the "Parlour" to breastfeed feed and she insisted I was putting the nappies on wrong and did it her way with two pins just where the splint fastened. I was also in trouble for changing nappies on a changing mat she used the setee and you can imagine the mess, but it was warmer.
I vowed never to be the same and let my family get on in their own way and I hope I have.

I don't think that I am competitive with the other grandmother just very annoyed. Her son left my daughter when the children were 1 and 2 and a half as he didn't like family life. He went back to live with his mother in her grand house and had the children 2 days a week Since then my daughter has recover ed from the shock and seems happy. The children are now 4 and nearly 6.
Family breakups happen but I'm annoyed that the in-laws have completely cut my daughter out of their lives. The children seem happy enough and are given lots of treats at grandmothers. That's fine by me but am upset how my daughter was treated.
I see the children regularly each week and did a lot of early days childcare to help my daughter work was a teacher.

The other Gran of one of my grandchildren manufactured the existence of ‘ family nights’ enjoyed by my GC with her, her husband, son and my daughter. This family night happened every month with a special meal, games, a film and everyone staying over. Sounded fantastic but has never happened and was meant to hurt me. My daughter and SIL say it is typical of her competitiveness and silliness as it’s a story that’s easy to check. How pathetic and sad; so sad , in fact , that I didn’t pull her on it as she has other GC that she hasn’t any contact with at all.

We are lucky to live very near our DD and 3 GS and so see them all the time. MIL lives 200 miles away and when she is able to visit we stay clear and give her the chance to enjoy the GS and spend time with them.
I know she appreciates it and we get on very well.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I live in another country to my son and DIL, her parents live just around the corner, of course they will see much more of the grandchildren.
I did find it very difficult when the family came to visit us, including DIL's parents, each time I was holding or talking to my grandson her father would come over and take him away. Every single time, even if the child came to me and sat on my knee or just talked to me. I felt really uncomfortable, I wasn't going to hang on to the child or try and stop her father removing his grandson. No tug of war for me!!
It was a long two weeks...I kept calm and kept my thoughts to myself, there was literally nothing I could say.
No more free holidays for him though. He's never going to be welcome in this house or any other house of mine.

I was there when my DD gave birth to her son, and it was love at first sight...and thanks to lockdown they lived with us for his first 6 months, talk about spoiled. I was so lucky.

Sadly apart from myself and my husband he has no other Grandparents (due to circumstances unknown sadly), so we do try to each be different - so he experiences different things with each of us. He is only 16 months but I do ache with happiness when we see him, only once every 3 weeks or so. I always ask my daughter to say if we annoy or overstep, but she has Asperger's she simply says she is glad we are there, and frequently asks advice.

I do however realise we are incredibly lucky...but I wish he had more Grandparents x

I live 10 minutes away from my DS and his family. Under normal circumstances I looked after my GD until she started school last year. Her brother has hardly been to our house since Covid and I have never even changed his nappy (probably not a bad thing) hopefully that will change soon. The other nanny lives in Spain and in non Covid times comes to stay at the house with DS, DIL and GC for a few weeks at a time. It works out well as other nanny is able to come over and help if DIL needs help which is only right and proper when you need your mother. Other nanny also has 7 more GC so she has to spread herself around a bit when in the UK. I do get a bit envious when my GC meet up with all their cousins as there are none on our side and never will be. None of that matters when you are out and your GD sees you and shouts nanny and runs into your arms (pre Covid of course).

I live 4 hours drive from my grandson, his other grandparents live a few minutes away and collect him from school some days and look after him during school holidays although I do have a week staying there in August. Not ideal but then it's not an ideal world.

Well obviously I will try not to die so she doesn't get adopted.

What a stupid comment, I really dont know why I'm on gransnet anymore.

I was shocked at my friend when her grandson was born. She was absolutely fuming that her DILs parents got there first, this was their first grandchild, she already is a grandmother. If they get to look after him more than she does she sulks. Every time I see her she's showing me pictures of him, but never any of her little granddaughter. The grandson's father was always her favourite out of her 2 sons and it's now happening with her grandchildren too. Sad.

My late partner was always going on about the other grandmas partner monopolising my GD but it never really bothered me even though it was noticeable. She will always spend more time with them as they live nearer

"12:33NambyPamby

As the sole carer of granddaughter- SHE IS my life.
Some people put family before their own lives.
I have given up everything to do this."

What is going to happen when you are no longer her carer?
What is your plan?

Never understood how some Grandparents whole lives revolve around there GC. I have a happy medium,I have my life which is happy and fulfilled then my time with my beautiful gc.

It is just madness. We had a very difficult time when my eldest son & his wife had the first baby. Her parents were very pushy & insisted on being there every day - even if we were going over. We lived 30 miles away- they were 5 mins away.
We just let them get on with it & it was soon us who were asked to babysit often. I think my DiL got fed up with being told how to be a good parent. She has 3 sisters all within walking distance of their parents too.

Janal

When my first child was born my mother in law arrived in the ward on the day we were going home picked up the baby and walked out of jthe hospital with her.l was heart broken.My husband took no notice. I'M afraid l never forgave either of them.Over 60 y as ago now,but l still feel cross about it.

Oh Janal - I totally feel and understand your pain in this. Sounds exactly like MY mil who, incidentally, we were 'lodging with' at the time. I married the youngest of her six sons ('her baby' ) and all five of my sil's pre-warned me of what she would be like. I NEVER kow-towed to my own mother, so I certainly wouldn't do it with HER! We clashed horns over so many 'parenting issues'.

When my baby was 'windy', she wanted to give him what she referred to as 'Cinder Tea' - boiled water with a 'red hot cinder out of the fire' dropped into it and then strained through a piece of muslin ................... only she wanted to use a tea-strainer instead of muslin [shocked]. The bits of charred cinder were floating in the grey liquid and I just managed to grab the baby out of her arms. I had to watch her like a hawk and got out of there at the very first opportunity !

Wondering if it's a new phenomenon, due to the various lockdowns and not seeing family, or if it has always existed?

Maybe some parents are so desperate because they haven't been able to monitor the pregnancy as the normally would have that they just want to be first in to grab the baby.
When did grandchildren morph into possessions, as according to some grandparents which apparently gives them some extra rights, rather than treating them as an actual joy, a pleasure and having the ability to step back and go with whatever the parents want ?

Not everyone goes ga ga over babies halfpint the other grandparents may relate to their grandson better when he is older.
Seems there are few grandparents on here who hit the right note with their families, they are either not interested enough or try to take over. It's hard being the right sort of grandparent these days.

As the sole carer of granddaughter- SHE IS my life.
Some people put family before their own lives.
I have given up everything to do this.

Just be grateful that you are able to see your grandchildren, many of us, including myself and DH who have had no contact with 2 granddaughters for the past 11 years and have no idea of their favourite things or even what they look like now which is a horribly sad situation to find yourself in for whatever reason.

I am a Nana and step nana a which brings different complications all managed fairly well . The worst thing I have found is when the free childcare ends and the GC start school and now we don’t get many visits at all . I know it’s been lockdown but allowed to have nice walks and things .That’s happened twice now but it won’t happen three times !

I was the first to visit my Son's baby the day after he was born, I had a 3 hour train journey.
The other Grandparents who live 1hr 30 away took 3 days to
visit. I thought it was strange but sadly their visits have been
lacking ever since, they are simply not really interested. Sad.

I have 6 grandchildren. Four live 10 mins away, the other two even less than that. The other gran and I were at the hospital when one of them was born and I was lucky enough to witness her birth. As soon as I'd seen her I left the room and let the other gran go in. both families have always told us we're welcome to pop in whenever we want, but we never outstay our welcome. All three of us grans get on well and we often meet up at family do's.

12Jade34 Well said … as long as they’re happy and healthy. Terribull I agree about ‘professional grandparent’ ! Made me chuckle.