Competitive Grandparenting

My grandkids from both my boys are long distance due to meeting daughter inlaws from different areas through work. So I’d never be first in queue lol. I see mine when I can get on with one side but not the other inlaws well get on with her dad who are divorced but her mum she’s something else and it’s not for the like of trying on my part. She constantly makes sly remarks and digs. I did snap back one day after putting up with it for about 3yrs after I sat and heard her make a cruel remark to my granddaughter who was 6yrs at time from my sons first marriage. she had crossed the line. My son wasn’t in room and daughter inlaw didn’t tell her to stop so I did. But if I buy something she as to buy bigger. But other mum inlaw she will ring me and ask if she’s buying something would I like to buy the other part etc. Even ex mum inlaw If she’s driving this way she will ask to meet up etc. Some ppl are just born jealous and nasty I’m afraid.

Ditto.....except for the DIL's mother it is her first grandchild so was a bit full on at the beginning and I really thought I was going to have problems with her being around the grandson 24/7. Even her daughter had to keep reminding her not to be so full on. Saying that, we have all settled into a nice grandparent routine of helping with childcare. I do one day a week and the other grandmother does one day. We all meet up for family events.

When my first child was born my mother in law arrived in the ward on the day we were going home picked up the baby and walked out of jthe hospital with her.l was heart broken.My husband took no notice. I'M afraid l never forgave either of them.Over 60 y as ago now,but l still feel cross about it.

I have three daughter in laws, the first wanted me at the birth and I have had gd every other weekend since plus other times, the second didn’t want me even at the hospital until it was all over and I rarely see gd except at family get togethers, it makes me sad because her other gp has her all the time but as long as I see her I’m good. Number 3 dil is due any day and she’s already told me she won’t be ready for visitors for at least a week while she and my son live with her mum who obviously will be there from day one. But what can you do as long as they are happy and healthy

Being competitive isn’t sensible but I feel there should be an element of respect. That seems to be an old fashioned view and these days anything goes. It used to be the new mums parents who were first to visit new baby, but now aunties or anyone can visit whenever so I’ve had to swallow my feelings and get on with it. Moving with the times, as it’s a trivial matter, in the overall scheme of things.
My DD is very close to her in-laws , each year spending a few weeks with them over Christmas and just a couple of hours at ours. I try to see the plus side that DD and DGC are benefiting from all their care. I’d not anticipated this happening and happily we don’t have that issue with our other grown up children.

When my first GS was old enough to realise he had two sets of GPs he took it on his self to call us by the colour of our cars Blue Nanna and Red Nanna, The cars are long gone and he is 23 now but still differentials us that way

I absolutely agree, the maternal grandmother was there at the birth of our grandchildren and my son, at the time, complained, she, the grandmother edged him out, by hanging on to his daughter too long and not letting him hold her. We came along to the hospital, at their request, to see our new granddaughter the next day and the omnipresent other grandmother was still there letting everyone know what they could and couldn't do. My husband let it all wash over him, he was already a grandparent and this was his 4th grand daughter so he he told me he largely ignored her directives and put it down to her being over awed, as like me this was her first grandchild

I also find the "professional grandparent" a pain in the arse, those who make it their business to take over the raising of the next generation, like they haven't had enough of it first time around! and then talk of nothing else, this all consuming one dimensional so called status defining their whole existence. I feel sorry for those women who are made to feel that they aren't part of some invisible club if they haven't had grandchildren, or even children for that matter.

We all love our grandchildren, I very much regret not seeing much of mine during the lockdown, but far worse for those whose grand children are overseas.

Teddy123

It really is a puzzle! In my experience the guilty party has been the DILs mother who lives 5 minutes away from the GC. I was relieved that my DIL would have plenty of support. There was no need for her antics when I was around. I wanted to giggle when she insisted on changing every dirty nappy.
The very last thing I fancied doing ?

Hilarious!

Never bothered to compete with the other set just can't see the point. Both get visits and we get invited.
I think there was an element I picked up on years ago. DD, MIL choose her outfit I mine without consulting.
When a friend saw the photos she had tears running down her cheeks and said"Battle lines drawn", one mother was in khaki the other in what looked like camouflage. All set for El Alamein.

The important thing is the health and well-being of the baby and the mother. It shouldn’t be a ‘race’ or a ‘competition’.

It really is a puzzle! In my experience the guilty party has been the DILs mother who lives 5 minutes away from the GC. I was relieved that my DIL would have plenty of support. There was no need for her antics when I was around. I wanted to giggle when she insisted on changing every dirty nappy.
The very last thing I fancied doing ?

I often see posts on here from grandmothers complaining that the other grandparent sees grandchildren more often. I just say be thankful for what you have and stop moaning.

We have a couple of competitive GMs in our families. They both live much closer to their daughters than us and we just leave them to get on with it. It does get a bit annoying when we are at one son's, who we see about 3 times in a normal year and mil turns up and takes over with the GCs, but life's too short for petty rivalry and we regard it has her problem, not ours.

There's Grand mother love and Grand Smother love........the latter is overwhelming, unwelcome and basically dreadful to observe!
Life isn't a competition so quite why adults use children and tools to manipulate situations, events and other people is beyond me.
I love my grandkids unconditionally but so do their other grandparents and I respect that my GC visit their other grandparents, go on trips with them etc. It's all part of having an enriched, inclusive upbringing.

We see our 2 dgc often, and look after them after school twice a week. Their other grandparents live in the same town, but sadly the other granny is carer for her husband who has dementia. I know she would wish to be more involved if she could, and I feel lucky that we can be.

No competitive grand parenting here. As Monica so wisely said, "Grandchildren should be part of our lives, not all of our lives."

We are fortunate that both AC and their families live close. Always lovely to see them come and then lovely to enjoy the peace and quiet once they have gone. The GC also have good, special relationships with their other grandparents. More than enough love to go round.

I know we are lucky and I feel sympathy for all those of you who, for whatever reasons, can't be part of your GCs lives.

Some of us are in the position, that the other GP live closer to our families and they can get to see them more often
If we let envy or jealousy get in the way, it would spoil it, when we do get to see them
My youngest gd's live in Australia and I may not, "like other''s get to see them for quite a while yet!!!

I only wish my DGC had a chance to see their other grandparents . Both are many miles away in other countries not cheap to visit and they have no real connection with the children . One day I heard the other granny say " please do not let the boys forget us " . Zoom is fine to keep a connection but there is nothing like a day of being cuddled and spoilt by your granny doing a bit of baking etc.. I had no grandparents who were interested in me but I thank the Lord for spinster aunts.

I do not want to be the grandparent that my son's in-laws are.
No point in being competitive.

I eagerly anticipated being a grandma and wanted to be called Nanna as my MiL had been. The other grandma already had this title but insisted on sharing it with me so we are now Nanna A and Nanna C, much to my delight. Equality and lack of competitiveness have underlined our grand parenting I hope. We both live close to the DGC; maybe (?) she sees more of them than I do as she’s the maternal grandma. Hey ho. She’s elegant and well presented whereas I’m more likely to be found on the carpet or on the lawn covered in grass cuttings indulging in high jinks with the DGC. My aim is to be fun which is impossible if you’re jealous. We’re different people ‘bringing different things to the party’ but equally valued.
? for MOnica’s very wise words.

I’ve never heard of this. I must have had a sheltered life. We have quite a lot of grandchildren ,having 4 daughters, but none of the other sets of grandparents have been in the least bit competitive. Why would you ?

Why should any Grandma be competative.
What a waste of energy,it`s a baby for heavens sake not a thing to pass around like a toy.
I wouldn`t have a clue if i was the first g/ma to hold my g/c or the other g/ma,who cares !.

There's a big difference between a grandparent watching everything with beady eyes and kicking up a stink or sulking every time granny A is asked to babysit instead of her or bake the birthday cake, and a grandparent feeling quietly sad that they aren't as involved in their grandchild's life as the other grandparents for whatever reason.

My one dread has been to have been thought of as an interfering granny, or indeed MiL. I will always wait to be asked over, wait to be offered a chance to hold the new baby, and try desperately not to give advice unless asked for it. Different relationship with DD, she tells me she wants me to leap in and remind GD of penalties for misdemeanors!

We get on well with parents of DDiLs, DD is divorced, but we still send cards to SiL's very elderly father.

Jealousy and competitiveness when both sets of grandparents are respected, engaged with and are able to enjoy family time, is silly and pointless

Upset and hurt when one set of grandparents are ignored, sidelined, taken for granted, whilst the other set of grandparents are not, is not the same thing.