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When your son is refused access to his child.

(18 Posts)
Ski66 Wed 21-Jul-21 13:25:56

I am sure this scenario has affected many of you. After a split last year my son has had irregular contact with his child as the mother doesn’t want it.Arrangements are made and broken frequently. An order has been agreed after weeks of goalpost shifting. My son is so desperate to see his child I think he would agree to anything. Despite this being in place yet again she has decided he can’t see his child.
He is distraught just broken-hearted that the child he loves so much is denied access to his father.
So gransnet where do we go from here. Lawyers are swallowing money but no change.

crazyH Wed 21-Jul-21 13:32:40

How sad ! I have no experience of this and hence, no valuable advice. But I feel for your and your family . Mothers hold children to ransom. It’s cruel, downright cruel There are quite a few paternal grandmothers who have been to hell and back just to have access to their GC. I’m sure they will you some advice

GreyKnitter Wed 21-Jul-21 13:38:02

Did anyone see the programme about the family courts last night? Terrible reflection on the plight of separated families and what the law does to protect parents and children.

Septimia Wed 21-Jul-21 13:41:16

This, unfortunately, doesn't seem to be that uncommon although it's grossly unfair if the father hasn't actually done anything that means he's a threat to the child. It seems to me that mothers are doing this sort of thing just because they can (whereas they were, perhaps, more dependent on the fathers in the past).

I can't advise on how your son can see his child. I presume he's on the birth certificate so has parental responsibility and thus some rights. That still doesn't get the mother to co-operate.

What he can do is to document all his attempts to organise seeing his son, buy birthday cards and presents (put the money aside if the child isn't allowed to have them), write letters about what he's doing for the child to read later (or a sort of diary with photographs), and similar things. One day the child will grow up and be free to meet his father. All the 'evidence' your son has collected will prove that he didn't abandon his child and wanted to be part of his life.

timetogo2016 Wed 21-Jul-21 13:41:17

Ask him to go to citizens advice,they may point him in the right direction.

Redhead56 Wed 21-Jul-21 13:43:29

Your son has the right through family court to see his child. Equally a child has the right to see a parent until the age of 16 then its their choice what to do. That's how it was legally when I was divorced in 1995 unless the law has changed. He will have to do this through his solicitor he could also ask about legal aid.

Septimia Wed 21-Jul-21 13:51:31

Redhead I'm afraid that, although he has a right to see his child, if the mother ignores the family court he's out of luck. There doesn't seem to be any comeback on the mothers if they don't comply, which is also unfair.

AGAA4 Wed 21-Jul-21 17:33:19

Unfortunately there are some mothers who will turn the child against the father as a means to bypass contact rights.
The child then becomes reluctant to see the father so the mother has got what she wanted.
This is mostly about the mother's feelings and is not taking into account the child's need for a father but courts can do nothing about this even though they know it goes on.

Hithere Wed 21-Jul-21 17:42:41

Is your son documenting the instances when the agreement is broken?

Hire a lawyer that will take action.

eazybee Wed 21-Jul-21 17:55:57

Does the child attend school?
If he does, the father should establish contact with the school and ask that information concerning his son is available to him, such as notification of parents' evenings, forthcoming school events, copies of reports etc; most information is sent electronically.
Check the mother has not said he is forbidden contact (this happens frequently), and have the evidence to prove he is allowed contact; ensure his contact details are registered as a contact in case of emergency.
If he is able to see the teacher make sure he focuses on his child, not on his wife's behaviour.
He just has to persist and insist. Horrid situation.

kittylester Wed 21-Jul-21 18:03:11

He could go back to court and apply for custody.

Ski66 Thu 22-Jul-21 21:28:58

Didn’t see the programme. Can you say more?

Ski66 Thu 22-Jul-21 21:35:56

This seems to be the case. Mothers are able,as far as I can see, to ride rough shod over any agreements and court decisions. There are many ,many children in this country whose fathers would dearly love to play an active role in the lives of their children but are prevented by mothers. There is very little in the way of action against such mothers.
Fathers have responsibilities too and from my research there are thousands who would love to fulfil those roles but are prevented by mothers. Statistically fathers loose contact with children within two years of a break up very often through no fault of their own.

GagaJo Thu 22-Jul-21 21:45:29

I know a very unfortunate man, a good chap, who was divorced by his wife when his children were small. I'm not sure if she left him for another man, or if she found another partner quickly afterwards, but the result was that the new man became the new daddy. My poor friend, not perfect I'm sure but a harmless guy, was frozen out. He tried going through the courts but the ex still managed to manipulate the situation so he had no contact with his children.

Poor man had a nervous breakdown and didn't ever really regain his full 'self'. Eventually, he cut his loses and moved overseas. These days, I hear he is very much a loner and lives to work.

Really not on to do this, unless a man is physically violent.

Chardy Thu 22-Jul-21 21:56:41

It's very disappointing to see so much mother-shaming on Gransnet. My sympathies are with ski66, but some of the sweeping generalisations that followed her post would be quite upsetting if read by a single mum, or the gran trying to support her and the grandchildren.

GagaJo Thu 22-Jul-21 21:59:36

Chardy, I am as feminist as they come (see the trans thread!) but the fact is, women are not perfect. Fathers have a right to see their children in almost all cases. A relationship breakdown should not mean children lose a father.

Of course, there are an awful lot of deadbeat dads around. My ex was one. But for men that do want to maintain a relationship, it should be illegal for them to be denied this.

ElaineI Fri 23-Jul-21 00:00:44

You are right Chardy. We have one side of a story here and it may not be accurate at all. We are in the position of my DD2 being a single parent, bringing up her son, working as a nurse, getting out of debt from the father's drug habit and him not interested in working, signing her name up for expensive TV packages (confirmed by Virgin who were very helpful), us having paid for cleaning up her house from his filth and making it habitable for a mother and child, getting a lawyer from Woman's Aid which we had to pay for as she was working (his lawyer paid by legal aid as he did not work). She has complied with everything his lawyer asked - mediation contacted twice to arrange contact etc. He has not done any of what his lawyer asked and agreed. He then decided he didn't want to see his son at her house and didn't want to hear anything about him unless he had more than a common cold. His sister was minding DGS2 and left him with the father who put him to play in a bath with bleach in it (age under 2). He then concealed DGS2 bleached trousers, vest and socks in a smoky bag underneath everything in the nappy bag. Didn't tell his sister. She dropped toddler off at my house and he smelled funny like chemicals. When I opened the bag there was an overwhelming smell of bleach. I delved into the bag and found the damaged clothes. Called DD2 who checked with the sister who knew nothing, meanwhile DGS2 was in bath as I had no idea if he had been washed - the smell was bleach. Long story short social services were informed by health visitor so when father does see his son they will have to inspect his house and check it is suitably safe for a young child and that you cannot conceal if they have an "accident". Father still not been to mediation which his lawyer agreed over 1 ½ years ago and if he had he would have had access all through lockdown - mediation has been open. Now DD2 has had letter from legal aid that he is taking her to court and has applied for this - very scary however closely followed by letter saying they would not grant legal aid. Whole story is very bizarre. Father would have been allowed access through mediation if only he had followed through with what he agreed.
DGS2 sees photos of his father so he knows who he is. He is not being denied access, just needs to discuss it with a mediator present but he won't. I'm not going into why that needs to be - threads about his kind of personality already.
Just wanted to say there are 2 sides to every story and each side will have reasons which may or may not be accurate.

Hithere Fri 23-Jul-21 00:14:36

Thanks Chardi and Elaine