DH inviting people over for dinner

Hithere

I don't want to leave my marriage. I just want to have an equal partner who understands the need for financial planning. If we could resolve this I would not feel so negative towards him in an emotional sense and our marriage would improve - and I need to tell him this!p

A marriage is between two people - two have to want to work on it

You are on board, your husband left the boat a long time ago

Talking to him wont make any difference. You need to stand up for yourself and avoid the grim future that is coming your way if you stay

I don't think he has left the boat. He just sticks his head in the sand.

Financial security is important to me.

Financial security doesn't appear to be important to him. He always says that thinks will work out. This is to vague and airy fairy for me. His father (RIP) was much the same as DH. One of his sisters is the same. I don't know why.

FarNorth

I also suggest keeping quiet about the Retirement Mortgage idea, or any other possibility you have, until after the mortgage has become due and he has had to realise the position he's got you both into, through his selfishness.

This is basically my plan if he doesn't start contributing to the mortgage savings. He does not know how much I saved and I don't plan to tell him. He knows how much is owing on the mortgage though.

However, I really don't want things to get that far just so that I can say I told you so.

I don't want to leave my marriage. I just want to have an equal partner who understands the need for financial planning. If we could resolve this I would not feel so negative towards him in an emotional sense and our marriage would improve - and I need to tell him this!p

A marriage is between two people - two have to want to work on it

You are on board, your husband left the boat a long time ago

Talking to him wont make any difference. You need to stand up for yourself and avoid the grim future that is coming your way if you stay

PinkCosmos, if my husband invited people - then he did all the cooking, tidying etc. I'd make a point of being otherwise occupied, so only able offer minimal help!

You both need serious advice here-and not just about BBQs. Please seek help, legal, financial, counseling anything but do it!

I also suggest keeping quiet about the Retirement Mortgage idea, or any other possibility you have, until after the mortgage has become due and he has had to realise the position he's got you both into, through his selfishness.

I don't want to leave my marriage. I just want to have an equal partner who understands the need for financial planning. If we could resolve this I would not feel so negative towards him in an emotional sense and our marriage would improve - and I need to tell him this!

So tell him.
And also tell him that you are so distressed about it that you asked a bunch of online grannies about your situation - and a lot of them think you should leave him.

That might jolt his selfish attitude.

It's pointless moaning to us, or him, if nothing changes.
Ask him what he is going to do when the mortgage is due to be paid.
Make a plan that both of you can be happy with.

If you are determined to stay with him, I suggest you find out about Retirement Mortgages where you pay the interest only.
Then you will have that as a credible plan if nothing else is forthcoming.

I thought that marriage is supposed to be a partnership ?
Sorry, but it doesn't seem as if it is in your case.
I can understand that you get annoyed with him inviting people over without even checking that you had any plans even, just as a pure courtesy, the same as his mother inviting herself round!
You are not whingeing by complaining to your husband about the only thing that he contributes to is stand there waving a pair of tongs about!
If you seriously feel that you cannot cope with the way he is, you need to seek legal advice before taking the next step.
Is it really worth being so unhappy with this man???

NannyJan53

This is not a marriage! He is doing exactly as he wants, whilst you are planning for the future and he knows this, so he spends his money knowing you have the financial aspect in hand.

As for the BBQ invites, either tell him he shops and cooks, or as Maw says, tell him you have other plans for the day, so he can entertain on his own.

I was married to someone similar, and the relief when I 'escaped' was immense.

I think you know what you need to do, it is having the courage to go through with it, which I understand completely.

I agree. He is doing exactly as he wants knowing that I will sort everything out.

He has been used to earning good money in the past and not having to worry about it.

He would rather spend than invest. If he had invested we would be in a very good position now.

He cannot see into the future where his income would be severely restricted with just a state pension plus a very small private one. He says he will just keep working but that won't necessarily work out if he becomes ill or unable to work.

As for the BBQ invites. I have told him, in no uncertain terms, not to invite anyone without checking with me first.

I don't want to leave my marriage. I just want to have an equal partner who understands the need for financial planning. If we could resolve this I would not feel so negative towards him in an emotional sense and our marriage would improve - and I need to tell him this!

FarNorth

Retirement Mortgage, btw, can be interest only, similar to what you have now, so the debt does not mount up.
It is repayed by sale of the house after you have both died or gone into residential care.
You will not be offered the whole value of the house, as a retirement mortgage, so would have to use your savings to pay the rest of it.

That arrangement could let your selfish, spendthrift husband off the hook.
Is that a path you want to follow?

No, I don't want to go down this path because I would lose to much. I don't want to end up in rented accommodation.

Other than his attitude to money and finances DH is not a bad person. He is very generous and would give you the shirt off his back. He just needs a lesson in financial planning. One I have been trying to get through to him for years. Goodness knows where we would be if I had his attitude.

Retirement Mortgage, btw, can be interest only, similar to what you have now, so the debt does not mount up.
It is repayed by sale of the house after you have both died or gone into residential care.
You will not be offered the whole value of the house, as a retirement mortgage, so would have to use your savings to pay the rest of it.

That arrangement could let your selfish, spendthrift husband off the hook.
Is that a path you want to follow?

My nest egg wouldn't be enough to pay for another property and I would still be liable for the mortgage as it is in joint names

So the mortgage could remain unpaid and the house would be sold.
No longer your problem.

Get some legal & financial advice on your options, so that you can make an informed decision on what to do next.

So there’s more than the random invitations isn’t there? Are they the tip of the iceberg or (to mix my metaphors) the last straw?

Live for today, he says. That needs to apply to both of you!

This is not a marriage! He is doing exactly as he wants, whilst you are planning for the future and he knows this, so he spends his money knowing you have the financial aspect in hand.

As for the BBQ invites, either tell him he shops and cooks, or as Maw says, tell him you have other plans for the day, so he can entertain on his own.

I was married to someone similar, and the relief when I 'escaped' was immense.

I think you know what you need to do, it is having the courage to go through with it, which I understand completely.

Sorry for all the typos

Daisymae

Your relationship sounds very one sided, with you being the adult and your DH the child. Entertaining is hard work, throwing out an invite is the easy part. The attitude towards money is obviously part of the same issue. I guess that he will just expect you to sort it, or maybe downsize? Problem sorted, no effort in his part. I think that you need to talk to him and insist on a plan. I would also immediately cancel all invites as they are distributed unless they have been cleared with you. Don't worry about what people think. The labour should also be divided between you. It may be easier to let him have his own way, but it does seem to be making your life miserable, so perhaps it's time to do something about it?

I do feel like the adult in our relationship which I think is what is getting me down.

As I said in another response, I have become tougher about money and DH doesn't have access to the joint account. I sort out the bills, do all the online banking and I have no personal debts.

It does worry me that now is the time for us to get ourselves sorted so that we have the house paid off and money when we retire.

It will be too late in a few years. This is what I am trying to get through to him but he prefers to live for today. He spends his money on his very expensive hobbies. I could scream

3dognight

He takes you utterly for granted, you sound like a lovely lady who has now had enough! I don’t think you can carry on like this, and the tipping point in your relationship is coming soon, that’s why you’ve posted. The general consensus is that he’s thoughtless and self centred, he probably thinks he’s Gods Gift!
I think he needs putting straight pretty smart, otherwise you will spend your retirement feeling increasingly resentful and miserable with this selfish
man.

I am very easy going and non confrontational and so have always ended up being a bit of a pushover.

You are right, I do feel like this is a tipping point. He did contribute to the mortgage savings for a few of months but then said he couldn't afford to any more.

He has always been terrible with money. This is why he no longer has access to the joint account.

He was overdrawn last month as one of his customers didn't pay on time. In the past I would have lent him the money but I no longer do this. I am getting tougher with regards to money. In the past I have also paid his tax bill. I no longer do this. He knows this but it doesn't stop him spending.

I am saving into an ISA which is in my name.

I have thought about different options if we don't have the money to pay off the mortgage. One of them is downsizing as our house is quite big.

I have told him I don't want to spend our retirement with no money to do anything. His response is that we should enjoy our lives now whilst we are still fit and well. I get this but there is a middle ground surely?

Fennel

re paying off the mortgage capital - this happened tto us about 15 years ago. We managed to transfer to what they called a "Retirement mortgage" - only pay off debt when the house is sold.

Is this the same as an Equity Release Mortgage.

My mother took out on of these a few years before she died. The interest that had to be paid back was horrendous. It was half of the value of the house after only five years.

Jaxjacky

I hope he has critical illness and other insurance. Not wishing him anything bad, but even a minor injury could curtail his earning for a while.

He has public liability insurance so he is covered

welbeck

sounds like neither of you like each other much, and he doesn't bother to treat you with respect.
maybe he is so quick to issues invitations for the next weekend as he doesn't like spending them with you, undiluted.
by having other people around he can play the nice guy, and you are conditioned to play the perfect hostess, and not sag him off.
live is brief.
is this how you want to waste it.

I think he feels like he has to invite people to reciprocate whilst we are at there house, after being invited.

Recently we have been on holiday with another couple. We both said we would prefer to go away on our own. So, no I don't think that he doesn't want to spend time with me. I think he just want to be sociable and Mr Nice Guy.

Superficially we get on well. I think he just puts his head in the sand when it comes to money. I feel like a broken record going on about the mortgage all the time.

Your relationship sounds very one sided, with you being the adult and your DH the child. Entertaining is hard work, throwing out an invite is the easy part. The attitude towards money is obviously part of the same issue. I guess that he will just expect you to sort it, or maybe downsize? Problem sorted, no effort in his part. I think that you need to talk to him and insist on a plan. I would also immediately cancel all invites as they are distributed unless they have been cleared with you. Don't worry about what people think. The labour should also be divided between you. It may be easier to let him have his own way, but it does seem to be making your life miserable, so perhaps it's time to do something about it?

OP

Dont let your worry become a reality

Do something now to protect financially.

By the sound of your updates, if you both retire, you will be broke in no time

If he issues invitations in your presence without consulting you first, smile sweetly and say “What a good idea , that will be company for you as I am out that day”

He takes you utterly for granted, you sound like a lovely lady who has now had enough! I don’t think you can carry on like this, and the tipping point in your relationship is coming soon, that’s why you’ve posted. The general consensus is that he’s thoughtless and self centred, he probably thinks he’s Gods Gift!
I think he needs putting straight pretty smart, otherwise you will spend your retirement feeling increasingly resentful and miserable with this selfish
man.