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Still not visiting my sister in a care home.

(19 Posts)
Cabbie21 Sat 21-Aug-21 14:15:23

My sister has been in a care home for years because of mental health problems. I used to visit her about every two months or so until lockdown. Even when restrictions lifted a bit, I did not visit as it is in an area which had a very high number of cases.
Now things have improved and I am doubled jabbed but I am still reluctant to go. It feels mean of me, but I just don’t want to go there. We have not had any contact now for a few months. AIBU?

B9exchange Sat 21-Aug-21 14:19:53

Yes, I think you are. Does your sister have any other visitors? In reverse positions, would you not be longing to have outside contact?

Cabbie21 Sat 21-Aug-21 14:35:01

Yes, her adult children visit.

Lucca Sat 21-Aug-21 14:37:09

I think it’s a little unkind of you not to visit if it gives your sister pleasure. Will you never visit again ?

H1954 Sat 21-Aug-21 14:43:01

Yes YABU. You say her adult children visit her but they are linked to her as an adult. You are her sister and have links reaching way back before when she had her family. You don't state your age difference but I imagine you would both have such precious childhood memories. I have two siblings and I know if either of us were in Care the other two would move heaven and earth to visit.
What is stopping you visiting, you have the protection of double vaccination, wearing a face covering and hand cleaning would probably be mandatory at the home too.
Visit you sister before it's too late.

Redhead56 Sat 21-Aug-21 14:43:32

I do not blame you why put yourself at risk especially if it makes you feel anxious. You are reluctant to go for visits until you feel confident to do so. Don’t feel guilty I am sure lots of people feel in the same position.

Riverwalk Sat 21-Aug-21 14:46:22

Presumably the care home has some outside space - can you not see your sister there?

JaneJudge Sat 21-Aug-21 14:46:26

What would help you feel safer?

For example you would have to test before you visited anyway. The staff test at least several times a week and are still wearing PPE and most staff and residents will be vaccinated too. Residents are tested also in most places. So compared to this time last year, the risks are much less.

I wonder if you sat outside it might feel safer for you? Or could the home at least organise a video call?

LauraNorder Sat 21-Aug-21 15:07:42

Were you close? Do you love her?
I wonder if you have visited out of a sense of duty or obligation and covid has taken the pressure off. Perhaps this has focused your mind on your true feelings. Maybe you don’t love her, you weren’t close, maybe she has been unkind to you in the past.
If this is the case then put aside your guilt, your sense of duty and crack on with living your life.
If not then bite the bullet and go and give her a big hug, you’ll feel better for it.
Either way, look after yourself.

silverlining48 Sat 21-Aug-21 15:17:32

I feel sorry for your sister who is confined to a home.
Even if numbers are higher in the area it’s nowhere near as bad as it was. Everyone is tested and you could sit outside if you felt safer, and wanted to.
Her AC visit but if that is all, her life and world is tiny. As has been said how would you feel if the position was reversed.
You say you feel mean, clearly you feel guilty.
Once every couple of months doesn’t seem a lot. It’s really rather sad.
Up to you entirely of course no one can force you to do something you don’t want to do, but you did ask.

sodapop Sat 21-Aug-21 15:18:59

I'm sorry you are conflicted about this Cabbie21 as other people said could you not meet your sister outside in the garden. I worked in residential care for many years and know how important visits from family and friends are. Care staff do their best generally but its important to see people who want to be there as opposed to people who are paid to be there. Good luck

BlueBelle Sat 21-Aug-21 15:21:07

I guess we each act as we are comfortable but I wouldn’t stop visiting my sister (if I was lucky enough to have one) wild horses wouldn’t stop me visiting someone I loved
Poor lady, does she know you, recognise you, enjoy your previous visits? have you kept in touch with her in other ways video calls, phone calls, letters, cards how you write it sounds as if you’ve had no contact at all
Every two months isn’t very often unless you live a long way away, so perhaps you’re not very close as sisters and this is ok for both of you

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 21-Aug-21 15:26:04

It sounds like you feel obligated. Hence the possible guilt? I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. It’s for you to do whatever you feel comfortable with. However, I would guess...( because I don’t have any sibling relationships, and neither does my husband), that you’re not that close, otherwise you wouldn’t need to ask. Apologies if I’m wrong.

You have to be relaxed about it, otherwise it could just spoil the visit anyway.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 21-Aug-21 15:26:47

It does seem a shame if you don’t resume your visits now that you’re able to do so. It may have been something your sister looked forward to even if she didn’t say so. Are you the last link she has with her younger days, are there things only you can talk to her about? I’m sure it’s not much fun visiting someone in this situation, but if she were to die tomorrow (obviously I hope she has many years left, but if ...) would you regret not having visited? Regrets come easily when there’s no longer anything we can do and can have a big impact on us.

Cabbie21 Sat 21-Aug-21 15:48:31

Thank you for all the replies. Varied as they are, you have given me a lot to think about.

Cabbie21 Sat 21-Aug-21 15:58:03

I should just add that at the last inspection the home was found unsatisfactory in terms of infection control, visitors included.

Lucca Sat 21-Aug-21 15:59:45

And thank you for taking the trouble to come back ..and accept different points of view

BlueBelle Sat 21-Aug-21 16:29:28

I think it’s very worrying that the care home has failed some of its regulations Is anyone watching out for your sister ? if she is in a ‘not so good care home’

Cabbie21 Sat 21-Aug-21 16:38:08

Her daughter has made a complaint.