Bullies why did you do it

freedomfromthepast - how right you are when you write "the manipulative bully is typically charming and people flock to them. This happens a LOT online. They like being head of the pack and love that people adore them. They truly believe they have done nothing wrong and do not need to self reflect. Someone else is always responsible for hurting them."

This has been particularly true recently when manipulate bullies have managed to upset and hurt nice gentle good people and turned it around to make out THEY have been bullied. They send unpleasant pm's to their victims then quickly have them removed so there is no record of what they have done. I have had this happen to me and then these cowards continue posting all sweetness and light to those who "love and adore them".

It's horrible when the bully is revered and believed over the victim.

Makes very uncomfortable reading indeed.

Sarah1954, I can feel your remorse and sincerely hope you have forgiven yourself? You recognize your behaviour was unacceptable and please don't allow it to cloud your life- I send you hugs and wish you peace of mind.
Violet sky , I feel so sad having read your story- hope life is good for you now.
Sallywally, thank you for this thread , hope you too are now happy. I was never bullied , my only experience was when my daughter was bullied in primary school - she was a chunky little girl. Her behaviour at home changed , she was sullen , uncooperative and reluctant to go to school. My happy child was so sad and depressed. I remember picking her up and sitting her on the kitchen table , I asked her to tell me what was worrying her . She burst into tears and told me - I was horrified at the daily name calling and constant harassment she was recieving. All this because she was larger than them. I was at the school gates very early the next morning waiting for the head teacher to arrive . We went into his office and I told him what was happening, he was very considerate and accepted what I said, told me he would out a stop to it and he did , the bullying stopped that day. It was one girl who was the ringleader and encouraging others to follow her example. My daughter remembers it well. Bullying is a dangerous activity and must be addressed - although I recognize it is not an easy thing to do. Most bully's are in their own turmoil , in my daughters case the bully came from an ambitious family , parents had high expectations of their children and put massive pressure on them to be the best at everything, academic work and sport!! Poor children. So bullies have their demons too.

I was bullied relentlessly at school. Partly because of the way I looked; bottle bottom glasses and dreadful teeth and partly because my Mum was a teacher. I never really understood why being a teacher’s child made me a target, as my mother was kindness personified and regularly unofficially fostered children (and sometimes whole families). Our childhood was filled with coming home from school to find someone staying with us ‘for a little while as they were having a difficult time’. We were encouraged to show empathy and as we were living in a stable and loving environment we were pretty resilient.

Thank God really as I had a pretty tough time. I am not always very brave, but have always loathed bullying behaviour from child or adult. Funnily enough one of the worst of my tormentors at school has approached me several times; once in person and several times by social media, I suspect his overtures are an attempt to apologise. I ought to at least hear him out, but I can’t bring myself to do it, he made my time in middle and upper school such a misery. I sometimes wonder whether should I tell him what impact he had on me (not that I give it much thought now tbh) but mostly I think move on, he’s probably not the same person these days but I don’t particularly want to rake over the ashes. An interesting thread…

My parents are bullies as well. They just were so adept at keeping it on the downlow that no one would notice it from the outside. Everyone thought they were super great folks.

In my experience, there are two main types of bullies. The ones who are hurting who hurt other people and the manipulative type who are incapable of self reflection or wrongdoing.

The manipulative type of bully scares me more. Mostly because they are typically charming and people tend to flock to them. This happens a LOT online. They like being head of the pack and love that people adore them. They truly believe that they have done nothing wrong and do not need to self reflect. Someone else is always responsible for hurting them.

I would much rather have to deal with a mean type bully. They are capable of reflection and change if they are willing.

Unfortunately, my parents are the manipulative type of bully. I finally had to realize that I could not remain in a relationship with them because they were incapable of self reflection and I was no longer willing to allow myself to be bullied by them. Nor would I allow my children to be bullied by them.

My youngest was dealing with a mean girl group at the same time my mother was emotionally abusing her with her manipulative bullying. My daughter has since recovered and is now friends again with a couple of the mean girls, who have self reflected and apologized. It took a lot for those girls to accept their behavior was wrong and go back to her and apologize. Especially at their young age.

On the other hand, my daughter will never want a relationship with my mother. Once she saw through the manipulative façade, she was done. At some point, people start to realize who that person really is and move on.

I was bullied on and off throughout my years at school and it ruined my education. I'm really not sure why I was bullied, other than the fact I had a mother who lived in the USA, who I visited several times. I was the only kid in my school/s who had ever been to America. I was also well liked by the teachers so I guess that made me a target. I went to a rough comprehensive and funnily enough all of the bullies were black girls. They went around in gangs and made mine and others lives hell.

A girl in my form at grammar school was very popular ( or so I thought) and leader of the “in crowd” . She was never physically aggressive but made snide comments etc. The worst occasion was when the brother of one of this group asked me out. How dare he! I googled this unpleasant ring leader later in life and discovered she was a head teacher. I felt like writing to enquire what her anti bullying policy was!!

Bullies often are cowards Sweetpeasue working in gangs, rarely acting alone and of course with cyber bullying using the anonymity the internet provides.

Adults who bully children are the lowest of the low.

I can hardly bear to read some of these shocking stories. Some of you have suffered so much and are still suffering. How can people treat defenceless children so badly. It's just so so sad. Such cruel people.

The meanest girl in our class had a really close relationship with several teachers, they seemed to treat her more as an equal, perhaps she was more mature, I’m pretty certain they wouldn’t have had any idea of what a cow she could be.

So many awful stories on here.
I'm sorry if I have picked ones out and left others. You have had horrendous experiences Sago and Shelbel albeit at the hands of those in your own home. So sorry.

I moved from a small rather sheltered primary school ( no bullies) to a big secondary. Some of the children - well girls -from the other much larger primary were very cliquey and employed bullying behaviours. It was a bit of a shock but having a twin sister and a close friend we mostly just left them to their nastiness. I wonder if there was some kind of competitive nastiness going on? In one work place a member of staff ( fairly senior) was very verbally aggressive and unpleasant. I think she did it to cover up her own shortcomings.

Shelbel and Sago so sorry you've been through that too.

Sago I think you could be right about the golden child of the family.

Then she was a complete coward ticking bird to do it out of sight of others. They may not have confronted her, being beneath her rank, but would certainly have put her in the position of being judged.
I understand you feeling as you do.
Capital punishment existed in my schooldays too. Rulers whacked over hands and legs for trivial things, wooden blackboard erasers thrown across a room at pupil's heads. Your punishment was way beyond anything I witnessed thank goodness.

My mother was a narcissist and my father was an aggressive bully as was my late brother.

My brother was the golden child, I was the scapegoat.

I know that my brother was a bully at school and I suspect he bullied his wife.

I have often wondered if the “ golden child” becomes a bully.

My youngest son was bullied terribly at school by a boy who was very much a “ golden child”.

Sweetpeasue She was the headmistress and I doubt other members of staff were around as it was outside her office. In those days school teachers hit children but this was something else and I’ve never forgotten it. It seems strange to say being hit by adults was the norm in those days. I was smacked at home by my mother but not excessively - it was nothing out of the ordinary but the incident with that headmistress was very traumatic for me, made worse as it was over something so trivial. Years later when I was a young adult I heard she’d been killed in a car accident. I was pleased. It’s not like me as I don’t bear grudges but I’d be lying if I said I felt ashamed for feeling that way.

VioletSky - this is exactly my story too. Some bullying at school but the worst was at home. It never stopped. I was and still am, the family scapegoat. My family is very dysfunctional. I spent most of my childhood and teens in fear. It made me marry early (and badly) to escape. I had no confidence and suffered very badly with anxiety.

As a young child the main bully and physical abuser was my mother as I got older my father took over the physical side and mother was the psychological and emotional bully.
She turned both sisters against me.

It has taken years but I've finally broken away. I am married to a wonderful, supportive man and am no contact with them now.

Such really nasty vile stories of bullying on here.Tickingbird, I wondered if this teacher was seen by other teachers and they just turned away. It's so disgusting when it's an adult who is meant to be the responsible carer. I wonder if they see a weakness in others that they despise in themselves. Absolutely not excusing the perpetrators, I'm just completely baffled as to why a teacher could lose it like that. They certainly wouldn't be still in employment after that sort of outburst these days.

I was fine until I went to boarding school at 11. Not very good at making friends as my father travelled abroad regularly do I had attended loads of schools up to then. However, having to be with tormentors 24/7 in the school as well as in the boarding house with no escape and no privacy was hard. It was made worse in 6th form when a new girl joined who really made my life miserable. Still affects me, as cannot believe that people actually like me! Even though I have some good people as friends I am just waiting for them to turn on me, I am 66!

I doubt many bullies will come forward and admit it. I was bullied occasionally at school but the worst bully was the nasty, spinster headmistress at my junior girls’ school. She absolutely beat me one day for running down the corridor. She was in a frenzy and just couldn’t stop hitting me and ragdolling me around. When she wore herself out she then made me stand in the corner facing the wall. I can still see my legs shaking and remember the confusion. I couldn’t understand why I was so bad. I think I was 8 or 9. A sadistic, nasty woman who shouldn’t have been anywhere near children.

The question why is tricky, it seems unbelievable now, but I don’t think I really felt it was bad, I can’t remember having any empathy for this poor girl.
I guess it was sort of mass spite.
We were certainly led by one girl who was top dog in our class, but we were obviously all gutless when it came to opposing her.

I was bullied/teased constantly at school for having red hair. In the 60’s, you were just told things like ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones blah blah blah’. No one in charge did anything to stop bullying, in fact some teachers indulged in it themselves. It was always stand up for yourself, don’t be weak.

I wasn’t really bullied otherwise but lived in fear of being bullied because I saw it going on all around me. There was one boy in particular who was completely vile. I remember trying to make myself as small as possible so as not to attract his attention.

My children have been bullied for having red hair and for being English in Scotland. I’ve seen schools’s attitudes change over the years, which is a very good thing.

As to why bullies bully, I suspect it’s a power trip for some (the rector’s daughter at my sons’ school was one of the worst bullies I ever came across) and for others I think it’s a ‘bully or be bullied’ situation.

My DD was terribly bullied at primary school, it continued at senior school although the school were much better at stopping it. Like a couple of people have said it was girls and the thing that helped her was the boys were lovely and supportive but that seemed to annoy the girls even more.

I also think she was from a different class, we were all estate children, she lived in a big house outside of town, I remember going there, and her parents being really welcoming.
Either she had chosen not to tell them what vile little bullies we were, or that was how they chose to deal with it.

The funny thing is, although I can see this little girl as clearly as if she was sitting in front of me, I can’t really remember the form that the bullying took, it definitely wasn’t physical, but having a dozen or so girls constantly teasing you and being mean must have been horrible.
I don’t remember any teachers intervening, but I think she was befriended by some of the boys, which probably made us worse.

VioletSky Yes I have read that abused children go on to abuse. I suppose just because I don't understand it doesn't mean it's not true. I was never ambitious for my daughter. I just wanted her to be clean, well looked after and have holidays and what other children had, none of which we had. (When finances allowed). I'm sorry for what you suffered.