Bullies why did you do it

Kate1949

I'm not sure about the vicious circle theory. I was an neglected, sometimes beaten child in an abusive, violent household. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to be horrible to another human being, especially a child. I never for a moment thought it was normal behaviour. It was frightening. I knew not everyone lived like that.

I think it can happen because my mother told me awful stories about her parents and I could see she was genuinely hurt by it.

Once I tried to say to her "you've done those things to me" and she exploded at me.

Now we are estranged she says to me in emails that she would never have estranged her parents. She did, for long periods of time. One died when I was a child and one I very rarely saw or knew.

I just think that some grow up resilient and empathetic in abusive situations and some don't.

I think what saved me was my father who was just the opposite in every way when she allowed me to see him.

I agree Chewbacca it's a vicious circle.

On page one of this thread both Sara and nadateturbe have posted honestly about their own behaviour which they regret and is commendable Tricia.

Kate

I'm not sure about the vicious circle theory. I was an neglected, sometimes beaten child in an abusive, violent household. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to be horrible to another human being, especially a child. I never for a moment thought it was normal behaviour. It was frightening. I knew not everyone lived like that.

Interestingly no bully has admitted to doing so on here yet. Maybe the answer is that they are ashamed of their behaviour hence non-admittance.

I was bullied in secondary school from girls I went to primary school with-nothing ever had happened in primary so it was all a bit mystifying anyway the bullying stopped when I turned round and thumped the ringleader.

The second time I experienced bullying was in the workplace. I was new to the environment but not to the role and I could do no right. The entire episode (spanning 18 months) left me ill and on prescription anti-depressants and signed off with stress. It only ended when I left to work elsewhere; I moved onto bigger and better things and six years later achieved a promotion level matching that of my bullying boss! Sweet!

It's a vicious circle. A child who is bullied by it's parents or other adults thinks, that the way to behave and to treat those that are "different to" or are "weaker than", or with whom they just don't get on with and they think that's normal behaviour because that's all they've ever known. When they get older they repeat the same behaviour patterns all over again. It takes a lot of soul searching, inner honesty and counselling to be able to recognise what they are and to rectify their learned behaviour so that they don't pass it on to another generation.

I sometimes get to talk to people I was at school with on Facebook and I don’t think they have any recollection bullying me. Possibly because it was mental bullying not physical. I did, once, join in with some bullying. I can’t remember much about it or understand why I did it but I still feel ashamed of it.

Thank you for that Sweetpeasue.
We're good at forgiving others but not ourselves.
Its amazing how many of us had a hard time when young because of how we felt. I may be wrong but I think people talk and share more now and there is more aupport.

Teachers when I was at school were totally different to now. The good ones then seemed a lot fewer.

I can't ever understand grown adults bullying children.

I work with children and often watch very closely and the children in the wrong can be the first ones to cry and say they are the ones being bullied so we have to sit down and have a long chat to unravel it all and encourage kindness to each other. Everyone's feelings matter.

Schools my younger children go to have a much lower tolerance for bullying and teachers now seem to take things much more seriously and there is a lot of emphasis placed on teaching children kindness and respect. They had a much different experience than I did where the teachers were all outside the school smoking and no one was supervising us!

Apologies for not actually answering the question in my response!

I have seen bullying by adults towards their peers in schools. Some of the most unpleasant behaviour has come from teachers in the staff room who then tell the children we should respect and care for each other. Used to make my blood boil.
Nothing was ever done about the behaviour by management.
Same as urging children to report bullying to a grown up.
Yes we all know who the bullies are, but very little is done to rectify the situation with both children and adults.

I have never bullied anyone. The nearest thing I have seen was when this American woman moved into our estate and none of us would talk to her because of racial prejudice. She was a white woman ,so it was prejudice against Americans rather than a colour prejudice. I feel ashamed now because she must have been so lonely in a strange country . I was in my early twenties at the time . I can’t remember any bullying at my school though it probably happened but I wasn’t aware of it.

Exactly. Do as you would be done by!

To think teachers like this were given a position of power over children. Dreadful.

I've never understood though Chewbacca why someone who knows what it's like to be bullied, then becomes one.

IMO it's far worse to inflict that on someone else when you know how horrible it is to be on the receiving end.

You couldn't make it up Sara. Cruel indeed.

Kate
That’s so cruel, heartbreaking.

Oh yes horrible bullying teachers. I have posted before about my first day at school aged 5. I was so frightened I wet my pants. The teacher stood me on a box and said to the class 'Look what this dirty little girl has done'.

That's just so terrible Violetsky it's brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry and am so glad that you have caring friends and family now that can show you how precious and valued you are.
Nadateturbe I think it shows how kind a person you are to post on here about that and for it to weigh on your conscience all these years. You should forgive yourself as I don't believe you were a true bully at all.
I was bullied a little as I never fit in. Always felt odd one out and it must have shown. In fact I know it did. I still feel like that now.
Human nature can be so cruel. Thank goodness it can also be loving too.

Violetsky what a very sad existence for you.

And Grannyactivist too. I was very similar to you at Senior school and felt so inferior. I didn't even have a toothbrush, but no one was cruel. That would have been so hard to cope with.

Cuckooz it's hard to believe a teacher could be so horrible. That was simply awful for you.

I was bullied by an older girl who was a year or two above me at school. If she saw me walking home she’d make a beeline for me and hit me and push me around. It stopped when my mother went to speak to her mother about it. A teacher also bullied me. She pulled me in front of the class once and told the rest of the class to tell me why they thought I wasn’t a very nice person. I remember standing there dying of shame! It’s something you never forget but you have to move on from it.

I don’t suppose we were all nasty girls, but we were weak, and definitely unkind.
I remember it all so well, I can see this girl clearly, a pretty girl, a brave girl, she never let us get to her.
But to this day I feel shame.

I think I love your mum for that MerylStreep

The only bully I knew at primary school was our teacher who hit me round the head so hard my glasses went flying. He wasn’t laughing when my mother burst into the classroom, grabbed hold of him and hit him round the head.

In Junior School there was very little bullying generally, but we had one black girl and one girl of mixed heritage in the school and they used to get name-called and, as the teacher’s described it, ‘teased’ (bullied) by a very small girl called Jean. I think Jean felt vulnerable because of her small stature because she was always verbally and physically aggressive; she once almost knocked me out when she hit me across the back of my head with a rounder’s bat.

At Grammar School I was subject to low level bullying constantly; nasty remarks about my uniform (second-hand and outdated), where I lived (the council estate), my lifestyle (poverty = no access to ‘cool’ stuff + free school meals = separate queue for dinner), my smell (I slept with a sister who wet the bed until she was thirteen). As an adult I’m just glad that I was so nondescript that for the most part I was simply ignored.