To wish she would be the same with us?

What a lovely thread. Not the sort we usually aspire to on GN! I must speak to Mellors about this. He's a b****r about refusing to share our Christmas dinner.

Friendships can happen a lot of factors: personalities, distance, hobbies, etc.

You can be perfectly nice and welcoming but if the other person is not your cup of tea, it is not going to happen

I do understand your perspective as you had such a lucky relationship with past staff. The lady still has a lot to process perhaps and grief can hit us in many ways and she may nit want to feel unloyal to someone who was clearly dear to her.
Give both her and you some space, let her do her duties and leave an open door for more and give her the reassurance all will be well.

Sago

This is exactly why our butler got the heave ho!

I used to be a gardener. Some clients became friends and some didn't. Just because you're employed by someone it doesn't mean you'll hit it off. It's lovely when you do...but it's not a given.

It feels a bit coercive though doesn’t it.

Not just expecting the job to be done but that you have to be a friend too.

Most people like to chose their friends, not feel obliged to pretend a friendship because somebody’s paying them. I not explaining very well but I’ve worked in places where I had to pretend to like the boss more than I did because I needed the job and the reference.

It’s not comfortable. Hats off to the housekeeper for being strong enough to maintain the boundaries.

I think it is unreasonable too. Her social life is her own not her employers.

I don't think the op is expecting to socialise, or thinking of forcing it.
She is just thinking it would be nice if they could have a friendship, as she did with last person.

Yabu

She is hired to do her job.

MissAdventure I think we have all heard of people having housekeepers, I have friends with housekeepers, what we don’t understand is why you would expect to socialise with staff.

Surely some of you, at least, have heard of people having housekeepers??!
For the record, my neighbour was friendly with a lot of the people she kept house for.

this is a wind-up surely.
maybe meant to hint at trying to recruit her for some 'extra services' ?

To put things into context -
In a previous life I was privileged to have a real life live in housekeeper. She had her own apartment in our house & had been with the family for years.
Under no circumstances did we socialise with her but we loved her and she loved us. It was a professional relationship which worked well but there were boundaries.
I think you are expecting too much. She may quietly want to keep things strictly professional. You must allow her to do that or you risk losing her.

No disrespect but why would your cleaner / housekeeper want to socialize with you? It seems that she socializes with a family she no longer works for . That is completely different from going out with the people she works with. She works well , is paid well for what she does and you are happy to employ her. So IMO you should leave it at that. offering to take her out may sound patronizing!

If you want her to socialise with you after her working hours, pay her overtime.

Does she live with you? Is that why you have this expectation?

You employed her as a housekeeper not as a friend or companion.

Did her job description include having to socialise with you.

I think if I was someone’s cleaner I would feel very uncomfortable if they kept inviting me to have dinner with them and clearly wanted to take the relationship beyond what I had signed up to. I get the impression that the previous employer and her family who the cleaner still sees are rather younger than OP.

The OP is either not in the UK or taking the p*ss!

Yes you are being unreasonable. This is a contract between employer and employee. What would happen if she wasn’t happy with the agreement ( pay rise for instance) not wanting to do certain jobs?
The friendship is over and potentially her job.
Leave things as they are.

one just can't get the staff these days...

The OP should try the problem pages on Countrylife or Horse and Hounds ….

Sack the ingrate!

Maybe she just wants to keep it on a professional level and doesn’t feel the need to socialise with you, it could be that she likes her privacy

This is exactly why our butler got the heave ho!

Maybe a friendship will develop, maybe not.
It's early days yet.