Triangulation /the narcissistic kind

OnwardandUpward it's a horrible horrific tool narcissists use with their smear campaigns.

The only way to fight it is to be you and hope in time people see who you really are.

With your friend, do they seem to be asking you to make a choice or side with them? Or in another way prevent the two of you from coming together and discussing anything?

I'd always say trust your instincts though

I know exactly what you are talking about onward, my mother is a master triangulator.

I agree with Smileless. The only way to win is to stop playing. Take a step back, do not engage unless you have to and if you do have to, grey rock them.

A well used but none the less favourite saying on estrangement threads is 'the only way to win the game is to stop playing'. Trying to cause problems between yourself and your H is a step too far.

You need to take a step back, more preferably and put and maintain some distance between yourself and your mum and yourself and your sister.

As much as love the people in our lives who behave in this way, their very presence is a threat to our own mental and physical well being.

Take care of yourself. Spend time with those who you love and care for, who love and care for you in return. It's the only way.

My mother did this all the time and caused a lot of damage. I've experienced it on many occasions in workplace situations too. I used to be drawn in until I realised what was going on, then I acquired a reputation as aloof because I wouldn't be drawn into gossip about other people. It gets complicated because if bullies turn on a person who is aloof, that person doesn't have allies to defend him/her.

PS In the past year my sister has tried to go behind my back to my husband and cause trouble between us because she thinks I am a nasty POS as she believes lies that my mother has spread. She has not even once ever asked us what the truth IS, but she should know better as my mother has tried to get in between her and her husband. My husband now is really annoyed with her because she is behaving really badly and neither of us would behave in the way she is accusing us of. He's also aghast at my Mother's behaviours too. His family seem really nice and normal compared to mine.

My Mother is still playing the poor little victim for all of her appalling life choices that she cannot take any responsibility for. It's always someone else's fault, but never hers. She has lately started to say bad things and lies about my sister behind her back and they are barely speaking to each other now. My sister is replaying how she is a victim of my Mothers bad choices (even though she was her enabler) and how its "everyone elses fault". Yes, the truth is my mother made awful choices and my sister was and probably still is her biggest enabler. It's highly toxic, she will ruin her own life with bitterness and deception, ending up like my mother- if she does not see that she has enabled an abuser to abuse and in doing so, she has also abused. I hope for her sake and that of her offspring that she finds a better way. By calling her out on this, no doubt I've lost her but I have peace. She's on a slippery slope unless she finds peace and freedom. I've held my peace these last eight years since she got really nasty. Enough.

Me too Smileless.

I am working on avoiding trouble. Admittedly I said things to my sister which probably weren't "helpful", but on the other hand she has been ranting at me for years and I was just taking it without defending myself. None of what she said was even true and I just got to a point where it mattered that I told her I wasn't taking it anymore. She isn't talking to me now and I don't know if she ever will. I don't even know if she will ever see what she did.

It would have been ideal to say nothing. But then she would have probably ranted for another eight years about all the terrible things my mother has lied about me, that she thinks are actually true!

I find psychology very useful when trying to understand difficult relationship scenarios OnwardandUpward. As you say, it can help with our understanding which in turn can enable us to identify and hopefully avoid destructive and toxic patterns.

In the past I've found it has validated not just what I've experienced but how I've responded to those experiences. Sometimes if nothing else it confirms that we're not going insane.

Hi Elegran, Triangulation is a Psychological term for a certain way of behaving . www.verywellmind.com/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology-5120617 I'm not sure if you are familiar with splitting or triangulation but if you are then you'll know how it works.

Unfortunately some families have unhealthy patterns. I'm using psychological terms because I've needed Psychology to help me understand (and avoid) these destructive and toxic patterns. I don't care what they say to each other as long as I'm not told. I know what's true and what's not. Thanks for your understanding Smileless. That's a good motto. I did only say good things about the other friend and then the first friend did not answer. As far as family goes, it's way more complicated.

Narcissistic triangulation is a where someone with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into the relationship to remain in control.

This third person can be an 'outsider' to the existing relationship, of someone known too/close too both in the existing relationship, who hasn't been used in this way before.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OnwardandUpward. You are more sensitive to this type of game playing than someone without your past experience would be.

When you think about it, we often come across a 'friend' who complains about and/or criticises a mutual friend to us which is why it's not uncommon to think we need to exercise a degree of caution, because if 'a' is doing this to us about 'b', they're more than likely doing the same thing with 'b' about us.

As you are unsure that your concerns are valid, just be careful about what you say and discuss with this friend. If there's something you think the other friend may be upset or offended about if you said it and it got back to her, don't say it.

My motto is never say anything about anyone behind their back that you wouldn't be prepared to say face to face.

Just be careful and see how things pan out.

I can't comment on your relationships with your mother and sister, or with the friend, but I did notice that you use the word triangulation in an unusual way. The definition of the term is as a way of finding out the position of somewhere by getting an angle on it from two or more other places, which draws a triangle on the map. One view line is not triangulation.

Your mother's pictures of you to your sister (and your friend's picture of another friend to you and possibly of you to them) are only from one viewpoint. If the viewpoints are biased against you, the way to counter that is to make sure that other viewpoints are displayed as well, at least as often and as powerfully as these people are broadcasting their image of you.