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Cut off from grandchildren by adult son doesn't want to know uswho

(9 Posts)
Lexigoeswest Tue 02-Nov-21 11:47:42


I have an adult son who lives in a different country to me. He became a father very young (20) with a girl who was just a casual relationship. They have stuck together for 10 years and also have another child but it is not a loving relationship. My son and I were close and spoke a couple of times every week for many years. He was quite isolated in his new country and struggled with the language and making friends. He worked in English speaking companies and provided well for his family.
He and the children's mother split up two years ago but remained on good terms to co-parent the children.
My son has a drink problem and would possibly be described as a high functioning alcoholic. I believe he is long term depressed.
He has recently found a new much younger partner (he is 34 she is 21) and has cut himself off from his ex., his children, and me. He does not return any calls and has texted me once, in the past 3 months, when I sent him greeting on his birthday. He is apparently living in his car and not working. He has some money from a recent legacy so could live differently if he chose to.
I am of course extremely worried about him but also concerned that he is no longer communicating with his children or their mother.
I've now sent him a text to say that I am going to leave him to it and not keep trying to speak to him, but would be good to hear from him when he is ready. What else can I do to try and get our family back to some kind of balance?

Elless Tue 02-Nov-21 12:09:48

Hi Lexi how worrying for you, not knowing how he is and not being able to do anything about it. Are you still in contact with your son's ex partner, would she not keep you informed?
He sounds depressed to me and needs to seek help but he has to admit it first.

Elizabeth27 Tue 02-Nov-21 12:25:13

I assume that he is communicating with someone that you know as you seem to know what he is doing and where he is living. Could you continue to get updates so are not thinking the worse about his situation?

Urmstongran Tue 02-Nov-21 12:25:36

Sadly I don’t think you can do more.
Just be a safety net if he drops into it.
You will always worry about him because of his choices. ?

silverlining48 Tue 02-Nov-21 12:29:12

I think the text you sent is probably the only and best thing you can do. Apart from wait to see if you hear back. He is an adult but of course to us they are always our children.
Assuming he has stopped co parenting his children, are you in touch with their mother? Is she alone or does she have a new partner? If she is on her own she may be struggling and might value your support.
It’s a hard situation, I wish you well.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Nov-21 12:45:21

I'm so sorry Lexigoeswest you must be very worried about him but apart from the text, I can't see there's anything more you can do until if, and when you hear from him.

GillT57 Tue 02-Nov-21 12:55:21

I too would suggest making contact with his ex partner and your grandchildren, whatever is happening with your son, they may well need you and could potentially be a link of contact with him, you all need to help each other. This must be a dreadful worry for you, but if your son is as depressed and possibly alcohol dependent as he sounds, personally I would let him know that I am still there for him, whenever he decides to get in touch, probably when he reaches rock bottom. So sad for you.

Hithere Tue 02-Nov-21 15:11:27

Not sure what you can do if he doesnt want to talk to you

sodapop Tue 02-Nov-21 17:28:54

I agree with GillT57 post of 12.55. Just about covers what you can do Lexiegoeswest I'm sorry you are in this situation with your son.