How do I move my son out of my house?

In the US, it is not uncommon to study and work at the same time

If you are an international student, you are required to have a certain number of credits to be officially registered at the university and also to be able to keep your F1 or J1 visa.

I am afraid OP's son has been telling a bunch of lies too

Thanks for putting me right MOnica. It’s far worse than I had thought, having imagined he had acquired two degrees in the States. My knowledge of the university system is confined to the UK and doesn’t encompass studying for a PhD (I wish!). So he’s probably sitting in his room playing computer games whilst lying to Mum and being kept by her and won’t work to support himself. He has been diagnosed with psychiatric issues but ordinary parlance would I think include the words’Walter Mitty’ and ‘liar’. I feel very sorry for his mother who has been taken in for so long and hope she can move him forwards.

GSM It is 12 years for the PhD. He went to the States when he was 21, presumably post BSc and is now 33. he went, initially for a year, which is odd because a PhD requires 3 year's study. He claims he didn't finish it because he had to do tutoring to cover his keep. Another figleaf I think, because many students at all levels, here and in the US, especially the US, juggle work and study. DS did, as did most of his friends, one or two ran over a year, but universities put stop notices on how long you can spin out studying for a PhD, after which you are signed off and are no longer on the university roll.

I suspect, and this is no disrespect to the OP, but her son has been, telling her a tissue of lies, knowing that she doesn't know enough about the arcane workings of academic life or AI to really probe what he tells her.

Sadly, I think this is a case of a young man with autism ADHD, who cannot cope with normal life and has retreated back home to avoid a life outside he cannot cope with.

I agree MOnica. I’m not sure he’s spent 12 years on the PhD as my impression (maybe incorrect) was that the bachelor’s and master’s were gained in the US and the doctorate was started there. However long he did or didn’t spend on it in the US though he’s been allegedly working on it for five years here which is ludicrous for someone with absolutely no distractions. And as you rightly say he will be light years behind in his subject without (we assume) access to up to date teaching and research facilities. I hope by now his mother is making inroads into making him face reality. Your fig leaf analogy was spot on.

He spent 7 years in the US and still hadn't finished his PhD? The normal period is three years. He has been 'working' on this PhD for another 5 years since he returned and still hasn't finished it.

He has been working on his PhD for 12 years so far, and it is not finished. It is never going to be finished if he worked on it for another 12 years. I also have strong doubts that the university he started with all those years ago will even accept his work, even if he did finish it in the next year.

The Artificial Intelligence field is changing so rapidly that whatever the subject in that field he was doing he is doing research into 12 years ago will be as dead as a dodo, as relevant as a thesis on the possibility of the earth being flat.

This young man has serious mental health problems. He needs to be referred to a psychiatric unit that can deal with him and his problems and forget all this fiction of a PhD. It is being used as a figleaf to protect himself from a world he cannot deal with. Failing that seek mental support yourself and see if help will come that way.

The only alternative would be to give him six months to sort himself out, then change the locks. When he ends up on the streets, hopefully his needs would finally be picked up and addressed.

But forget about the PhD and the goods stored in the US. Getting back there is a pipedream. Tell him to junk them or import them back into the UK as you cannot afford to pay for them anymore.

Sorry if all this sounds hard. I do not mean it to be, but I can see no alternative.

I doubt anything else will work.

Another one who thinks he will never finish the PhD and any further time spent on it is a complete waste. geekesse explains the probable situation well.

It may be best for him (and you!) if he gets a clear indication from the university that he's no longer registered. If he hasn't paid fees for a while he would be automatically de-registered.

It will be hard for him to accept, but best for all long term if he moves on from this hopeless aspiration.

With respect, 1summer, your son is in a different league from the OP’s son.
PJN, I am glad you have decided to have a conversation. I suggest that the financial angle may be the best place to start. If your son is entitled to Universal Credit, he can then contribute to the household bills, for a start. You should not be paying for storage in US. Is it really likely that he will go back there?

He won’t get anything towards his rent as he does not have a tenancy, he is living with relatives. As for PIP, which is not means-tested or based on NI contributions, it seems unlikely that he would qualify, unless he has strong medical backing.
This situation cannot continue.
Do you have any other family? Being blunt, what happens when you die? Who will look after him then?
Start the conversation!

Our son after 5 years working on cruise ships around the world came home and moved back into our house. He got himself a decent job but was very content in not paying any rent, me cooking all his meals, doing all his washing and ironing and keeping his room clean. One day I came to my senses and told him he had a month to move out, he took it quite hard but did move into a shared house, hated that then moved to a rented a flat on his own. He quickly realised if he could save a deposit buying was cheaper than renting and next week is completing a purchase on a flat. He admits that me kicking him out was the best thing i could have done.

I worked full time, was a single parent to five children, and finished my part-time PhD in six years. If he’s spent seven years in the US and five years in the U.K. working full time on his research, that makes 12 years. I think it highly unlikely he’s ever going to finish it - in fact, I’d want to see proof that he is still registered with the university.

Even if he does complete his research, there’s no guarantee that he’ll be awarded a PhD. In the meantime, at the very least, your son should be working to support himself and pay his way while he is living in the U.K. Are you quite sure he’s actually working on his research and not playing video games, gambling or watching porn while he’s ‘working’?

Lots of good advice here, I too would suggest you start with Citizen's advice and find out which benefits your son is entitled to.

If various social services, doctors etc. insist that you cannot be given details on behalf of an adult son, a simple power of attorney written, or at least signed by your son, empowering you to discuss all financial and health concerns on his behalf with whomsoever it may concern, should sort that out.

If he has ADHD or a similar diagnosis, you need to be the active party.He as you know will just procrastinate.

But do start by sitting him down and telling him that you and he cannot continue like this. He needs to lead an independent adult life, and you need your income for yourself.

If you do really want him to move out for sure, I'd suggest a supported and gradual move out plan. It sounds like he needs the support and might not be capable of coping with full independence. Especially if it comes very suddenly. Even if he does stay, it needs to work for both of you, so changes can be made towards this.

How far is he through his PhD? If he's made significant progress, it might be he will take six years to finish it. If he's just getting started after a few years in, maybe it won't happen. Surely his supervisor is watching progress though?

Having autistic tendencies - has he been officially diagnosed as non neurotypical?

Many people with his same conditions carry out normal life

He appears to be unemployed, so may get PIP or DLA along with Universal Credit. I doubt that he'd still be funded for his PhD after so long. Even part-time study should be complete in six years.

Thx for all your interesting and thought provoking messages. Neither of my adult children are empathetic or directly interested in people due to their autistic issues. I wonder what his reaction is going to be when we sit down and talk it over. However I have a determination that things must change in 2022. Fingers crossed.

if i were you OP, i would be wary of sharing with him too much of how you are feeling or how the situation is affecting you.
do not give away your power as householder by revealing your inner thoughts.
he is most unlikely to be sympathetic towards you; if he was, he would not have been exploiting you like this.
obviously you care about him, as your son, but does he gives you any thought or care at all, unlikely.
so don't share too much. he is not the person to confide in.
you need other support.

Does he not receive a stipend for doing his Phd?

PJN1952, we have to accept that life may be very difficult for him (with adult ADHD and autistic tendencies) so he may not be capable of holding down a job.

He should pay his own expenses, though, from the benefits that he's entitled to. You certainly shouldn't be paying for the storage. Why not contact social services to discuss the help available for him?

I am sorry that you find yourself in this predicament. There is a very interesting film on YouTube called ‘The Magic Pill’. It tracks some children who have been diagnosed with ADHD and the way some foods make this much worse. I am afraid that this is all I can offer you but it might be worth watching. Good luck.

Coming to the US with a visa is not that easy

Are you sure his dream is even realistic?

I think that as long as you are financially supporting him this will go on for ever.
You say he has lived with you for five years and is still trying to complete his PhD which he started while still in the US. He has no distractions such as work, responsibilities or a social life so I question whether he will ever get his doctorate. I studied for and passed with distinction all my solicitors’ exams while working full time with a home to run so he is doing his studies in the absolute lap of luxury with no excuse not to have completed them if he is intellectually capable of doing so.
He has to be encouraged to get a job and stand on his own two feet. If he was capable of living and studying in the US for seven years he must be capable of looking after himself though I suspect his confidence has taken a big knock with having to leave his uni and come back to mum, not to mention the effect the pandemic and lockdowns have had on all of us.
He may now be unable to find work in his chosen field, even with a Masters. Things in that field will have advanced dramatically in the time he has been living with you and spending all this time trying and not succeeding in finishing his doctorate, with no work experience, won’t look good on a cv. He may have been trying hard to follow developments but as a prospective employer I would take some convincing. I would suggest that he speaks to some recruiters straight away to get a realistic assessment of his chances. He may not like what he hears but if it’s not good news the sooner he hears it the better. I fear he isn’t going to come across to potential employers as a prospective employee, more a dreamer and professional student.
The idea of going back to the US is I think pie in the sky. How, with no job and dubious prospects, would he do that and at whose expense (don’t answer that last one)? It sounds harsh but I think you have to make him distinguish dreams from hard facts, and after all these years of studying (at least 12?) he’s likely going to have to set his sights much lower which will be a crushing disappointment but he may suspect as much already and facing up to it may be a huge relief.
I hope you are able to get him to face reality and that you can’t continue to keep him. I feel he needs to get a steady job and a suitable place to live before moving out but do please set a realistic deadline within which, with your support, he will do this (and sell, give away or get shipped back to the UK whatever he has in storage - can’t be that much if he was a student surely?).
Good luck!

I would wonder if any of his possessions in the US are really worth paying the storage fees for?
Perhaps you can make this your first goal, to stop paying this bill?

He may come around to it quicker and easier as it doesnt impact directly on his daily life.
After all he's been living without these things for a number of years now.

It wont be easy for either of you to discuss his moving out, and I wouldn't be happy to give him a time limit at this stage if he were my son.

Horses for courses and in his case he will need some time to adapt to these new plans for his future.

Do let us know how you got on?here is the nearest emoji for Big Girl Pants! Hope it helps?

Good luck.

This will be more difficult than it sounds at first glance.
If he's intentionally 'using' you, he may be annoyed.
If it's never occurred to him that he's sponging off you, he may be upset. Whatever the oitcome, I think it could be harder to achieve that you think, so do go gently.
Look into the benefits situation, it's not too easy for students to qualify, or all students would be getting them rather than taking out loans.
I hope you can solve it amicably.

You need to have an adult and honest conversation with him PJN and give him a reasonable period of time to make alternative arrangements.

With regard to paying for his possessions to be kept in storage in the US, tell him you can't afford it anymore and you'll be stopping at the end of this year.

Why can't he work part time while he studies? Plenty of people do. I agree with MercuryQueen. He's not going to give up such a comfortable and easy life unless he has too.

Good luck.

Your son needs to stop doing his PhD which I don't think he is capable of achieving, and find paid employment outside the house so that he can make social contact with other people. He needs to begin to take responsibility for his very comfortable, obligation- free lifestyle.
Persuading him to leave home will be difficult, and I think you will need support with this, but the longer you leave it the more difficult it will become.

Oopsadaisy1

If he has been officially diagnosed with MH problems then he will be able to claim benefits for his rent and utilities, I’m not sure though if he would qualify for rent unless you charge him, he would have to explore the possibility.
Sadly due to his age he will have to be the one to make all of the phone calls, but he could ask them to speak to you instead.

There is also a possibility that you would qualify as his carer if he is classed as disabled, which would be a financial help.
I can’t see how he would cope with living alone.
Problem is that getting all of this in motion requires a GP appointment initially and then contact with MH people, which takes perseverance and tenacity.

He lived on his own in the US, managed, and intends to go back. I can't see that a man who did that AND has a Masters degree, needs a carer.

I suspect it's far more that he's comfortable and content as things are, and sees no need to change.