Helicopter parenting

When I did mine school had a list and we got to pick which one we wanted and the same thing happened when both my sons did there’s. In fact when my youngest did his the company he did it with offered him a training role when he left school. he did take up the offer along with college and he’s being with them since he was 16 and he’s now 34. Only problem I had was oldest brother wasn’t happy because he got tin of roses after completing his and youngest brother was giving money. Lol

The clock has come full circle. I remember my grandmother (born 1902) saying she was proud of me for finding my own jobs - in the 70s. In her day the parents usually had a hand in this. It had never occurred to me to ask my parents to help!

Right, I bow out. My ignorance knows no bounds obviously as I had HP as much less intrusive than is outlined here. Happily my children didn't need much more than the odd nudge along the way. Phew!

Can I also add that when my DS was 15 he asked for a leather jacket. I told him his aunt needed a job doing for 3 weeks. He earned the money and was never prouder than when he came home with his newly purchased jacket. We never pointed out that we had paid his fares and provided his lunches!

My DD had a Saturday job which she got after answering an advert. Both of my children worked in their holidays and in their gap years at a prestigious publishing company. They were introduced by an aunt but such was the competition for jobs that had they not been very good they would have been out. When I was a teacher I was able to place one of my pupils on work experience in my DH’s office. Such is the world. It is very difficult for youngsters to get work experience / holiday jobs these days.

DD2 has decided not to push my 17 year old grandson. She’s very happy to support and help him with his apprenticeship applications but he has to ask. He tends to be a last minute merchant, a bit lazy and could miss out this year. She considers it a learning experience and understanding the need for self-sufficiency. I support this decision.

Her daughter on the other hand has found herself a part time kitchen porter job. As she finishes late and doesn’t have a bike, my daughter collects her from work for safety reasons. A bike is on the way for Christmas.

It’s about encouraging young people to take control of their own lives and not doing everything for them. Action or inaction has consequences. It’s all part of the growing experience but obviously if help is needed and asked for it’s a parents role to help.

The problem with helicopter parenting and children who have a parent smoothing every bump in their road, is that you end up with children who grow up into selfish adults who expect everyone to make life easy for them and make them the first consideration.

Parents also make a rod for their own back, they end up with ACs who expect them to provide constant childcare, financial support etc and when parents finally say 'no', they see it as rejection rather than parents who can give no more and might actually need help and support themselves.

Good and loving parenting involves launching independent and resilient adults into the world.

I’ve heard the phrase ‘helicopter parenting’ but I was never sure what it meant. My husband and I used everything in our power to help our boys along the way. They’re in their late twenties/early thirties now and successful and independent. Not sure what the problem is for you?

JaneJudge

doesn't helicopter parenting mean watching their every move, tracking their phones, making them dependant and advising on friends, courses etc and all the rest of it and making your children become dependant?

I don't think it means asking for a bit of help and support to help them get work experience does it? If so I imagine most of us are guilty of either asking or enabling. Me and my husband have helped lots of young people learn. I have nothing against it!

I agree that the two things are different - help and support is not the same as infantilising young adults.

I've never been the helicoptering sort.
Too much like hard work.
I have once done grandsons art homework for him.
I got an A!

My children did work placements after they did GCSEs, not as young as 15. Both were 16 and 17 and making decisions about post 18 education and training.

One was at a College of Further Eucation (as they were then)and the other at a private school and both did work experience for over 16s.

There are also far too many cliched assumptions being made about social status and education and work experience. My daughter in state education and with the college organising her placement still was offered a placement that relied on her parents being able to get her to the placement location and collect her late at night. Doing 40 mile round trips late at night, when you have to up and out of the house at 7.00am is exhausting no matter how you earn your living.

Neither can it be assumed that children at private schools all go to jobs where they wear suits. DS worked with a government organisation and his work clothes were dirty jeans sweaters anoraks and muddy boots. Other children were going into farming, becoming engineers, earth scientists and were interested in a range of careers that required hard physical work and grubby/protective clothing. Never underestimate the attraction of official overalls, hard hats, safety boots and goggles.

M0nica

I agree with you janejudge. that is my definition of helicopter parenting as well.

I googled and pasted above which sounds a bit less severe than I imagine it to mean to be honest. I have friends who really have restricted their children's freedom and I don;t think it's helpful as they do rebel, don't they? (they do even if you give them freedom but at least you have already been there before they go off anywhere)

What Is Helicopter Parenting?
Helicopter parents are parents who pay extremely close attention to their kids' activities and schoolwork in an effort to not only protect them from pain and disappointment, but to help them succeed. Helicopter parents are known to hover over their children and become overly involved in their lives.1

 Meanwhile, popular media uses the phrase "helicopter parent" to describe parents who are overprotective of their children.

The term helicopter parent was first coined in a 1969 book titled "Between Parent & Teenager." The teen featured in the book reported that his mother watched over him like a helicopter. Since then, many college administrators have used the term to refer to parents who continue to try and watch over their children from a distance after they have gone away to college, and the term has spread to encompass all overprotective parents.

Common Characteristics
Most people identify helicopter parents by their overprotective tendencies. But this definition can sometimes be too limiting. These parents are the ones who are always on top of things, but to an extreme.

From infancy to college, helicopter parents tend to be overly involved in their kids' lives to the point where their own activities and interests take a back seat. This means the family budget also revolves around what the kids need.

They may even put their personal goals and career aspirations on hold in favor of what they think their kids need.

Likewise, helicopter moms and dads have a tendency to over-schedule their kids in an effort to give them a competitive edge in everything from school to sports to music. They may even try to manage their child's friendships and social standing. The goal is to create every opportunity for their kids that they can.

Overall, helicopter parents are proud to be so involved in their kids' lives and often don't see anything wrong with their parenting. They see their actions as a way to ensure their child's safety while helping them be successful in the world.

Positive Aspects
While the term helicopter parent is often used in a derogatory manner, helicopter parenting isn't all bad.2 You can usually count on the children of helicopter parents to arrive on time, to have their homework done, and to be prepared for their activities.

Helicopter parents of younger children and teenagers also are likely to know where their kids are at all times, which is an important safety consideration.

Likewise, helicopter parents tend to be very aware of who their child is with and how their child is doing in school. And, if their child is struggling in school or has dropping grades, they will do what they can to support them. The same is true when it comes to illnesses, bullying issues, or even mental health concerns. Helicopter parents will work tirelessly to make sure these issues are addressed.

Additionally, helicopter parents tend to be involved parents who are the first to volunteer for school functions and may even join the PTA at school. For this reason, schools, teachers, and coaches can benefit from the amount of time, energy, and money they devote to making the school, the classroom, or the team the best it can be.

Drawbacks
Being too involved in kids' lives can be harmful, though. Kids can start to feel suffocated and apathetic. They also may struggle with autonomy and independence. Here are some of the potential drawbacks of helicopter parenting:

Prevents the development of problem-solving skills: Kids of all ages need problem-solving skills. Whether you have a 5-year-old who needs to learn how to sound out words or a 25-year-old who can’t find a job, kids need to know how to solve their own problems. Hovering parents, however, often intervene at the first sign of trouble, such that kids don’t learn valuable problem-solving skills.3
Leads to dependence on parents: Helicopter parents do so much for their kids that it can make their kids dependent upon them. If a mother calls her 19-year-old to wake them up each morning to ensure they get to class on time, they won’t learn how to do this for themself. Parents should be helping kids learn how to survive without them.
Hinders kids from learning to advocate for themselves: Helicopter parents usually advocate for their children, rather than teaching their children to advocate for themselves.4 It’s important for kids to be able to ask questions, gain clarification, and speak up when they need something. In the workforce, these kids won’t have Mom or Dad available to help them deal with a mean boss or challenging policy at the office.
Shields kids from natural consequences: Kids need to face some natural consequences in life. After all, in situations where parents don’t intervene, kids are going to face consequences when they fail. Yet, most helicopter parents micromanage their children's activities in an attempt to prevent them from receiving any negative consequences.
Interferes with the parent-child relationship: The actions of a helicopter parent may interfere with the parent-child relationship as well. Constantly nagging your child to get their homework done, or checking up on their every move, isn’t likely to make your child want to talk to you more. Instead, it may push your child away.
12 Traits Good Parents Have in Common
How to Hover Less
If you tend to be a bit of a helicopter parent, it's important to back off a bit to ensure you're giving your child room to grow, learn new skills, and rebound from failure on their own. Giving up that control, however, may be anxiety provoking.

If you're having difficulty tolerating the anxiety you feel when you allow your child to engage in age-appropriate activities on their own, talk to a professional. Allowing your child to make mistakes, suffer natural consequences, and experience heartache are important aspects to growing and learning.

Keep in mind you don't have to back off completely all at once. It may be best for you and your child if you back off slowly.

Whether your child is going to walk to the store on their own or they want to work on their science fair project alone, give them a little bit of freedom one step at a time. Coach them from time to time and review with them how they did when they're finished. But try to avoid standing over them while they're working—or worse yet, doing the work for them.

Other Styles of Parenting
When considering helicopter parenting, it's helpful to understand the different types of parenting. The field of psychology often references four main types of parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful.3

But popular media recognizes several subtypes of parents, which often reflect generational differences in parenting. In addition to helicopter parents, the media often talks about free-range parents, lawnmower parents, and tiger parents.

Free-range parents tend to be a bit permissive. They allow their kids the freedom to make mistakes, explore, and try new things without much guidance. They believe kids can learn problem-solving skills through trial and error, and they're convinced natural consequences are some of life's best teachers.

Lawnmower parents are on the other end of the spectrum. They're known for mowing down all the obstacles that threaten their child's chances of success. They may go to great lengths to prevent their kids from experiencing uncomfortable challenges.

Meanwhile, tiger parenting became a popular term after Amy Chua's book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," became a bestseller. Tiger parents push their kids to succeed with strict rules and a regimented lifestyle that emphasizes hard work over fun.

Here's an example of how parents in each parenting style might respond to a child's request to walk to the store alone.

Helicopter parent: "Sure, I'll walk behind you the whole way to make sure you stay safe."
Free-range parent: "Sure. Can you pick up some milk while you're there?"
Lawnmower parent: "Sure, I'll walk ahead of you and make sure it's safe. I'll tell you when it's safe to cross the road."
Tiger parent: "No, you need to practice your violin for another hour."
A Word From Verywell
Just like everything in life, there is no one right or best way to parent a child. Likewise, helicopter parenting isn't all bad—or all good. Additionally, different aspects of various parenting styles will work better than others for individual families and children. Essentially, parents should consider the impact and values behind multiple parenting strategies, and then use the ones that feel right to them.

I agree with you janejudge. that is my definition of helicopter parenting as well.

doesn't helicopter parenting mean watching their every move, tracking their phones, making them dependant and advising on friends, courses etc and all the rest of it and making your children become dependant?

I don't think it means asking for a bit of help and support to help them get work experience does it? If so I imagine most of us are guilty of either asking or enabling. Me and my husband have helped lots of young people learn. I have nothing against it!

Being helpful is not the same as controlling every aspect of your children's lives.

Yes, I'm with Lucca on this. Guess I would have been HP too. Thankfully it didn't prove necessary.

I agree, Grammaretto, but think that when it comes to school things such as work placements there should be a level playing field.

Life's not fair, but IMO school should try to make things as fair as possible. As I said though, that's all rather separate from helicopter parenting.

DS2 had to say what kind of work experience he would like. He asked for something outdoors, hoping for green keeper on a golf course, or something similar. He was sent to a construction company and did nothing except making tea for the bricklayers and generally sitting around watching how it was done. Need I say that this did not affect his career choices. However, in sixth form, he got the very sought-after job of assistant at the leisure centre attached to the school, working after school and some evenings. It paid much better than delivering papers which his son now does.

I was given a helping hand by DM and friends of hers. These were mostly suggestions for a Saturday job and holiday jobs.
I suppose you could have called her a HP.
Our own were also encouraged but I wouldn't have phoned on their behalf though I probably nagged them to make that call!

I think the young today need all the help they can get. I don't envy them.

My point about the placements was more that a week in the workplace at 15 is unlikely to give many children much of an indication of the world of work. The example of your son, M0nica, who already had a passion for the subject is probably rare, and very few placements are residential.

My children did placements about 15 years ago. The school had a 'pool' of places, and parents with contacts were encouraged to add to the pool, but most set up placements for their own children, and their friends, with predictably stratified results that meant that children of 'professional' parents got office-based placements and those of blue collar workers went to factories.

My two refused to let us do that, and my son ended up working in a hotel. As he was only 15 and not allowed to do bar work this largely involved hoovering corridors and washing up. Did it prepare him for his future career in IT? No, of course not; but it introduced him to what a job with no prospects, long hours and low pay would be like if he didn't get some qualifications. He enjoyed it, and another upside was that we had a brief interlude at home when he insisted on demonstrating his prowess with the vacuum cleaner?. He also had to travel to and from a different town, and navigate changing buses, which was good for his sense of independence. My daughter worked in a care home, and still talks about it fondly years later.

We could have fixed them up with 'better' placements, but neither of them wanted that - they were too independent (and had been brought up with leftie outlooks). I was able to organise for someone in my daughter's class to get a great week working for a PR company during London Fashion Week. I wouldn't have blamed my daughter if she had snapped it up, but she insisted that it went into the 'pool' of placements that everyone applied for, and I think she was right to do so. People with those sort of contacts could set them up for their own children in the holidays if they were keen to do it - why not open them up to others who wouldn't otherwise know how?

All of that is rather separate from 'helicopter parenting', though - it's basic class distinction, which should not, IMO, belong in state schools. To me, a helicopter parent in a placement situation would be one who wrote letters of application, drove the child to work and/or contacted the manager to speak on behalf of the child about their progress.

I've a lovely friend who could be described as a helicopter parent. She's an energetic, whirling dervish who can't sit still, but her heart's in the right place and her children were lovely too. When helping with homework they sat there with pen poised expecting to be 'fed' information. A gentle nudge to feel free to come up with their own ideas wouldn't have come amiss. Perhaps she overdid it a bit at times but eventually they left home and have become independent.

I do remember when one of my DC did work experience, they were rather indignant because some of their friends got paid for their two weeks' work placement but he or she didn't!

25Avalon

Eldest dd did work experience at the pet section of the local garden centre. She told us she could have a free rabbit. After much pleading we gave in and agreed. What we hadn’t reckoned on was buying the hutch, run etc so not exactly free@!

Oh, that did make me laugh 25Avalon
A "friend" once gave my DC a guinea pig but failed to mention that it was one she didn't want because it was a vicious little thing and bit her other animals and my children!

Just read you post Doodledog, I really do not agree. DS had had extensive careers advice at school and taken every opportunity to follow his passion through his teenage years.

Getting work experience in the career he was determined to follow despite knowing it was oversubscribed and poorly paid was a chance to see what working in the profession was really like. I doubt if the school would have known where to go to find a suitable placement.

He lived away from home that week and the organisation he was working for gave him really good experience of the profession, long days, in all weathers and in remote areas which meant long hikeshauling all your equipment. There is a lot more to archaeology than digging holes and doing geophys.

If a child has a vocation for a particular profession, it is foolish to not let him do his work experience in that profession. DS did plenty of other jobs as a student to widen his experience but that work experience week is an opportunity for someone who knows what they want to do in life to have achance to see what it is really like and reassess if necessary.

DD's was arranged by her college, she was doing Theatre Studies A level and she was found a place with a local rural theatre. She lived at home, worked unsocial hours and was entirely dependent on us taking her to and from work as the theatre was 3 miles from the local town and there was no public transport.

Which of the two of them had their horizons most widened by their experience?