I wouldn't go. How utterly awful - if the less well-off person was hosting, I'm sure guests would bring 'extras' - drinks and/or dessert, nibbles, flowers, perhaps - or would offer to supply and prepare side dishes, but this suggestion is guaranteed to put a dampener on everyone's mood. How mean-spirited can people be?
I don't suppose the hosts will be making a point of donating to their local food bank. Generosity isn't all about affordability, or arithmetic - the spirit of kindness doesn't have to break the bank.
Gransnet forums
AIBU
Charging family for Christmas lunch
(263 Posts)Now, is it just me, and this is the way things are done nowadays so I’m behind the times? Had invitation for Christmas lunch at a family members home, along with other family members, but the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).
Now, whenever I’ve hosted Christmas lunch, or other events, I’ve never asked the ones I invite to pay for the privilege of eating with me. Some have offered to bring something along - perhaps a dessert, some cheese, a bottle of wine, etc, which was welcome and kind- but this was never an expectation on my part, and I certainly wouldn’t have it as a condition of them being able to come, my view being that I was offering an invitation to join us for lunch or tea, not expecting them to pay or bring something as a condition for coming to it.
I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year.
Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.
The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).
They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch, which I think is an incredible cheek (or is that just me?) - surely, if there were left overs, those invited for Christmas lunch should be having goody bags to take home left overs for which they have paid, not leaving it as a freebie for these friends and neighbours of the host.
Now, maybe I am being “bah, humbug”, but this charging doesn’t sit easily with me, although many family members have accepted the invitation with this charge (though not everyone).
So, am I being unreasonable to think this is not right, or am I completely old fashioned and behind the times? It’s just I thought such invitations to go to family for lunch were just that - invitations, with no provisos. Therefore, if you can’t afford to host a meal for extended family members, then you don’t offer to host one?
TheKevin20
Unbelievable behaviour.
If the people wanted to have friends/relatives round for a seasonal meal, but would have difficulty in footing the whole bill, the "bring a dish/bottle" would've been perfectly acceptable.
If I'm invited anywhere, I always take a small gift: biscuits, flowers, a bottle of wine. I'm on a limited budget, but gratitude and good manners are not expensive.
So one person buys the turkey and another buys a bag of spuds. I'd rather pay my fair share, I don't want to be subsidised and I don't want to subsidise others. There's always the cheeky chancer, usually who can well afford it, who will pick something cheap.
It has to be planned as well though, who wants 3 turkeys, no bread sauce or sprouts but 5 lb of potatoes per person and no Christmas pud. Surely it is easier for one person to do the shopping and split the cost?
As long as people don't spring it on you on the day I can't see why people are taking such offence, unless they just want a free meal.
I always assume Christmas day gatherings are gatherings of family and friends, who know and love each other and would always make sure the load, whether cooking, clearing or financially was not spread unevenly.
If I wanted to pay for lunch I'd go to a restaurant/hotel! Invitation means you're a guest, not a customer, what DOES go on in their tiny heads nowadays?!?
Edith81
I’ve never heard of such a thing. 10 of us have Christmas lunch at my son’s every year and take little items for teatime, but it’s unthinkable to ask family to pay towards the cost of the meal.
Let's hope your son can afford it and you aren't leaving his family short.
I'm sure the little items for teatime don't come anywhere near what you'd have spent to have a meal at home.
moobox
I can't help wondering why people feel they have to spend so much on one meal of the year. If it breaks the bank then it is not affordable, and if you are rich pay for a full on feast - simple!
Well then you'd get people on here on Boxing Day moaning that they'd been invited out for Christmas Day and they got a very second rate meal, cheap wine and why do people invite if they can't put on a 5 star spread.
Shropshirelass
YANBU. I wouldn’t go. If they were doing a meal to raise money for a charity that would be different but not the way they are doing it! I agree offer to take something if you are invited, but to be asked to pay is a great big NO in my book.
It's sharing the cost, the same as taking something.
I’ve never heard of such a thing. 10 of us have Christmas lunch at my son’s every year and take little items for teatime, but it’s unthinkable to ask family to pay towards the cost of the meal.
If that happened to me and I agreed to pay I wouldn’t be able to eat anything - it would definitely stick in my throat. Not nice to see your guests as a money making exercise - OK if you’re running a restaurant. I doubt I would be polite in my response.
I can't help wondering why people feel they have to spend so much on one meal of the year. If it breaks the bank then it is not affordable, and if you are rich pay for a full on feast - simple!
What a ~~~~~~cheek.An invitation is an invitation no strings attached.
I’ve hosted Christmas Day celebrations for the past 35 years. Parents when they were alive always bought the Turkey and my mum, bless her would make the pud and cake. The children have grown and have families of they’re own now - so this year we have 17 around the table. No one has ever offered to contribute anything although because of last year, where everyone had to cook their own, I did get text messages saying that they didn’t realise how expensive it all is!
Hey ho, good job that I put money away every month to save for it all!
YANBU.
You should ask them when they opened their restaurant and is it licensed to sell alcohol, and do they supply doggy bags to take away your uneaten fayre, or should you take your own?
And, if you were to go, you should not be expected to help clear or clean up, as restaurants have their own staff for that!!
The absolute blooming cheek of them!
Do send any gifts you bought them to someone more deserving, like maybe someone in an elderly people's home or someone in hospital!!!
YANBU. I wouldn’t go. If they were doing a meal to raise money for a charity that would be different but not the way they are doing it! I agree offer to take something if you are invited, but to be asked to pay is a great big NO in my book.
barbaranrod
we have 18 people including children for Christmas lunch every year and what we do is ,i do sprouts and roasties (as being the oldest i am the best at Roast pots ha ha ) ,the other gran supplies the beef one of the adult family supplies the turkey and everyone else brings something to the table ,we have great fun before the occasion deciding what we will be bringing and this adds to the fun of Christmas also the little ones enjoy having their say ,by the time everyone has finished we have a 6 course menu ,,,Money NEVER comes into any conversations ,this works for us ,perhaps the lady asking for money may consider doing this
It isn't actually a fair sharing of costs though is it? Potatoes and sprouts for 18 is a very different expense to buying a turkey for 18. I think an equal split would be fairer but obviously it would be more expensive for you.
Exactly Urmstongran. As an example if you happen to be the best cook/have the biggest house why should you always bear the cost of Christmas Day? It isn't generally a normal meal, people tend to spend more on the meal and generally it isn't just the meal is it, people don't arrive, eat lunch and leave. In my experience having people for Christmas Day involves drinks and nibbles when they arrive, the meal, probably a nice tea before they leave.
I think some people underestimate what it will cost and also what they are saving by not buying their own meal.
we have 18 people including children for Christmas lunch every year and what we do is ,i do sprouts and roasties (as being the oldest i am the best at Roast pots ha ha ) ,the other gran supplies the beef one of the adult family supplies the turkey and everyone else brings something to the table ,we have great fun before the occasion deciding what we will be bringing and this adds to the fun of Christmas also the little ones enjoy having their say ,by the time everyone has finished we have a 6 course menu ,,,Money NEVER comes into any conversations ,this works for us ,perhaps the lady asking for money may consider doing this
Actually, playing Devil’s Advocate here so bear with.
A friend & her husband went to her daughter’s for Christmas dinner pre-Covid. There were 8 or 9 of them in total I think.
Anyway the daughter regularly shopped on line (always had) as it was easier. She booked a slot just for the Day. Turkey, trimmings, veg, wines, crackers, pud the lot and the family quite happily split the bill. Yes the daughter was hosting (she had the biggest house), but everyone chipped in and no one felt aggrieved. Dinner was taken care of in its entirety, no one had to queue to shop or cart stuff over.
Anyway for better or worse it suited them. ?
Hopefully I’m not the only one who thinks this is an awful turn of events - paying to go to family for a Christmas lunch. Never heard the likes
after all who pays family or friends for receiving a kind invitation to have a meal with them . I’ve held and been to many a small dinner party over the years when dinner parties were in fashion for a select few and was never asked for any money to help fund these. I would be mortified if my friends or family expected a bill at the end of the evening. I know exactly what they’d say too, which can’t be repeated on here.
What’s the world coming to? If you can’t enjoy a friendly meal with family or friends without expecting payment.
I say get a life that’s if you’ve got one.
You are not being unreasonable! I would decline the invitation.
MollyF
It goes without saying that this is unacceptable - never heard anything like it. But I really do hate the expression Christmas 'Lunch'. It sounds like Hyacinth Bucket trying to be posh. Dinner is the main meal of the day whatever time of day you have it. So it's Christmas DINNER
Thank you MollyF
You are absolutely right, of course Dinner was always the main meal of the day and if the Christmas meal doesn’t fall into that category, what does!
“Christmas lunch” is either a light meal in the course of the day (with dinner yet to come) or as you say, Hyacinth Bucket prissy.
You definitely ANBU! I find the fact that you have been asked to pay if you wish to go is all rather cringeworthy! What a cheek! If they can't afford to pay for it, or don't want to fork out for it, then they shouldn't be hosting it!
As many others do, we go all out on Christmas day, and it does cost us a fortune (not that it needs to, of course!), but that's our choice, and we like everyone who joins us to have a good time. The thought of asking them to pay, I find shocking!
Frankly, if I were the OP, I'd be inviting any other family members who have declined the invite over to my place for a lovely FREE Christmas meal!
My Mother in law always brought her own version of Christmas Pudding because she had a lighter fruity recipe that her particularl health problems were suited to and the kids loved Grannie's Pudding. I hosted the family for decades and wouldn't have dreamt of pulling a stunt like that. It completely negates the spirit of the season.
YANBU, in a month of Sundays!
It seems to me indicative of a huge cultural change. In other cultures where families are very close and bonds are important, food etc is brought to the house where the celebration is to take place and many people also help to prepare it as partaking of a celebratory meal is of huge importance in the inter generational life of the family. I think it is very sad that these people appear to have lost this, and reduced the occasion to one of obligation, money and, well, greed, if they are using family to provide the subsequent party for their friends. . You say they are not short of money and indeed receive financial and other unrequited help during the year. They sound very selfish and spoilt and perhaps it’s time for people to stop facilitating their immature entitled attitude.
Sorry but 100%unacceptable - if you can't afford to feed guests then don't invite them, I've never heard the like of it. They are totally taking the p*ss
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