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AIBU

Charging family for Christmas lunch

(263 Posts)
Mapleleaf Sat 04-Dec-21 19:14:27

Now, is it just me, and this is the way things are done nowadays so I’m behind the times? Had invitation for Christmas lunch at a family members home, along with other family members, but the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).

Now, whenever I’ve hosted Christmas lunch, or other events, I’ve never asked the ones I invite to pay for the privilege of eating with me. Some have offered to bring something along - perhaps a dessert, some cheese, a bottle of wine, etc, which was welcome and kind- but this was never an expectation on my part, and I certainly wouldn’t have it as a condition of them being able to come, my view being that I was offering an invitation to join us for lunch or tea, not expecting them to pay or bring something as a condition for coming to it.

I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year.

Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.

The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).

They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch, which I think is an incredible cheek (or is that just me?) - surely, if there were left overs, those invited for Christmas lunch should be having goody bags to take home left overs for which they have paid, not leaving it as a freebie for these friends and neighbours of the host.

Now, maybe I am being “bah, humbug”, but this charging doesn’t sit easily with me, although many family members have accepted the invitation with this charge (though not everyone).

So, am I being unreasonable to think this is not right, or am I completely old fashioned and behind the times? It’s just I thought such invitations to go to family for lunch were just that - invitations, with no provisos. Therefore, if you can’t afford to host a meal for extended family members, then you don’t offer to host one?

BigBertha1 Mon 06-Dec-21 22:20:09

We share the cost by contribution. DH and I are buying the wine for Christmas Day and DD2 I would think 6 adults would get through about 2 bottles each plus champers

MollyF Mon 06-Dec-21 20:09:39

It goes without saying that this is unacceptable - never heard anything like it. But I really do hate the expression Christmas 'Lunch'. It sounds like Hyacinth Bucket trying to be posh. Dinner is the main meal of the day whatever time of day you have it. So it's Christmas DINNER

LostLaLa Mon 06-Dec-21 19:32:34

Pure greed, if you can't afford a gathering how in the world can you ask your "guests" to pay for something that was entirely your idea? I wouldn't go, not because of the money but because of the principle of the thing. This shows absolutely no class, poor taste at its finest!

TheKevin20 Mon 06-Dec-21 19:31:53

Unbelievable behaviour.
If the people wanted to have friends/relatives round for a seasonal meal, but would have difficulty in footing the whole bill, the "bring a dish/bottle" would've been perfectly acceptable.
If I'm invited anywhere, I always take a small gift: biscuits, flowers, a bottle of wine. I'm on a limited budget, but gratitude and good manners are not expensive.

4allweknow Mon 06-Dec-21 18:32:14

Would decline, YANBU.

Lauren59 Mon 06-Dec-21 18:32:04

If the host can’t afford the expense of the entire meal I think it would be a better idea to do what we (Americans) call a potluck, where everyone contributes a dish. Asking guests to pay for their meal seems wrong.

win Mon 06-Dec-21 18:28:51

We had an invitation to a wedding buffet some years back where we had to pay for ourselves much to our surprise. We declined the reception as did many others having already bought a rather generous present which had been requested.

ElaineRI55 Mon 06-Dec-21 18:16:47

Actually makes me feel quite sad.
If the proposed hosts can't or won't bear all the costs, surely a family chat in advance about everyone bringing something would have sorted things - as DeeDe has described.
Could someone point out to them that it doesn't seem a reasonable approach or would they just go into a huff?
There is a good chance that they will have damaged family relationships already just by suggesting this and caused unnecessary rifts. A real shame.

M0nica Mon 06-Dec-21 18:10:16

DeeDe No one is saying families shouldn't share the cost of Christmas among themselves, in fact, a number of posters have described how their family do share the cost of Christmas, but there is something a bit hard-nosed and mercenary about saying to family 'If you want to to a family party you have to pay', without any consultation with anyone in advance and despite the fact that this family benefit from a lot of non-monetary favours from family members over the year.

As in so many cases, it is not what you do but the way that you do it.

readsalot Mon 06-Dec-21 18:01:40

I wouldn't feel comfortable paying £15 cash to a relative for Christmas lunch. I would rather stay home!

BlueBalou Mon 06-Dec-21 17:55:15

I haven’t heard of this but I don’t think much surprises me nowadays.
When we have a get together we often bring a dish/drinks/nibbles etc, all deciding beforehand who’s bringing what. Any leftovers are offered to the departing guests to take home with them.
It’s been that way for years, works beautifully.

DeeDe Mon 06-Dec-21 17:50:07

Well why should one family member have all the cost and work?
We all contribute one cooks it at there’s it changes from time to time , and with help from some others to prepare
Then one provides the turkey another the pork another vegetables and perhaps Xmas dessert etc etc and so on
Right down to the Xmas crackers, then together we wash and tidy up
we’ve done this for years the only ones.
Who don’t contribute is the eldest ie great great grandparents as they have already done their share over the years
This year we have two new couples in their twenties now taking their turn and a great time will be had by everyone and no petty arguments..
well hasn’t been the last 50 + years
Families should fairly share the cost and the load … grin

garnet25 Mon 06-Dec-21 17:20:38

I have to say that after happily hosting Christmas for 40 plus years I was really pleased when 3 years ago DIL said that she would do it and we could come to stay with them. That year I made Puddings, Chrismas Pudding Panettone and Tiramisu . Last year we couldn't go due to Covid, This year we are buying and cooking the Turkey , buying and preparing the veg and taking the pudding. It is perfect for me as we can help out but I don't have any of the responsibility .

biglouis Mon 06-Dec-21 17:03:14

Im on the fence about this with prices rising. I think that if a group of friends or work colleagues decide to have a meal then it is reasonable to ask for payment. For a family gathering it seems somehow grabby. If everyone was on the same economic position then it would be fine to be frank and ask people to contribute food and drink and to chip in =with the tidying up etc. However using the leftovers to feed the neighbours would not sit well with me. I would decline and make my feelings known.

Caro57 Mon 06-Dec-21 17:00:52

Well I’m seriously out of date - what does YANBU mean, I get it’s disapproval but can’t work what it stands for!
No defo not ask for money - most people want to contribute with an offering etc. They might as well go to a restaurant and be fully waited on if they are paying!!!

Fernhillnana Mon 06-Dec-21 16:56:58

Gosh what are these people intending to serve? Pate de fois gras and lobster? They need to think about going vegetarian, or better still vegan. They would find their food bill a tiny fraction of what they spend, better for their health and the planet and probably tastier. Then they wouldn’t have to demand money for the meal. Degrading.

sarahcyn Mon 06-Dec-21 16:50:49

I would be very happy to pay....but I would expect full waiter service and there should be no question of me doing any clearing up.
I suggest you go and remain firmly glued to your chair. Do not lift a finger!

Allsorts Mon 06-Dec-21 16:41:50

I haven’t looked at all the replies to this post, but it’s got to be a wind up. No one would charge for a meal in their home, if it was suggested I can’t see anyone accepting.

EmilyHarburn Mon 06-Dec-21 16:16:55

I pay £50 for each of us when I am invited to a Christmas meal with family, if I know that there will be no bread sauce on the menu I take some for everyone.

mumstheword86 Mon 06-Dec-21 16:10:38

Just unbelievable am speechless We are going to our daughters for Christmas Lunch and I will contribute some food ie bring the Christmas pudding as we seem as oldies are the only ones who like it so I can take rest home for Boxing Day or freeze it Maybe something else but money never in our family would be asked for Modern day requests Who Started this Idea anyone know ????

M0nica Mon 06-Dec-21 16:02:10

We all tend to muck in, although I bear the cost of turkey and gammon, the best, therefore expensive. But my family usually stay for anytime up to a week at Christmas and son brings all the cheese and some of the drink, DD, makes the mince pies and brings soft drinks, DGD, who is 14, takes on the catering for one day, although parents buy the ingredients and she also makes biscuits. Our children either take us out for a meal, or cook one as well.

If we could not afford everything AC would just get stuck in and buy what we could not afford.

I find it difficult to see our Christmas being charged for, all though I can just imagine a sharing of costs through who buys whaat.

Annaram1 Mon 06-Dec-21 16:01:25

No no no!!! Incredible and mean. Do not go and tell them you are skint .

theworriedwell Mon 06-Dec-21 15:48:39

They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch, which I think is an incredible cheek (or is that just me?) - surely, if there were left overs, those invited for Christmas lunch should be having goody bags to take home left overs for which they have paid, not leaving it as a freebie for these friends and neighbours of the host.

How do you know they are going to do this, isn't this the first time they've asked you to pay for Christmas lunch? If it isn't the first time then why are you so surprised about it?

Christmaspudding Mon 06-Dec-21 15:45:49

YANBU, it's utterly ridiculous! I could understand it if they "suggested" you all go out to a restaurant for Christmas dinner together, but doing this to relatives is unacceptable, particularly as they have sooo graciously accepted help in the past from their relatives ?. I wonder whether they would do the same if you weren't family... no one who is trying to "network" would insist on payment, surely!

Spec1alk Mon 06-Dec-21 15:39:01

I would ‘ regretfully’ decline the invitation!