Charging family for Christmas lunch

I would think that if someone is unable to afford to cover the cost of hosting then they should not be inviting anyone. Bringing a contribution is a different matter and a gesture of goodwill.

Mapleleaf, I'm really shocked that anyone would even think about charging their guests. What dreadful bad manners - and no, it's not the 'done thing' at all.

My lot always ask what I'd like them to bring. I say maybe drinks or snacks that their children prefer or perhaps some extra mince pies - just small things.

freedomfromthepast

Septimia

I can see your point of view freedomfromthepast, but there are other ways of doing it if costs are becoming prohibitive. A shared meal is one, with everyone bringing a contribution. Or simply inviting fewer people.

We typically do a shared meal septimia. I still shoulder the most of the cost, which I do not mind doing.

Fewer guests may be a solution yes, but I know my family would never let me hear the end of it if I left someone out. I am then put into a situation where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Honestly, I can't please everyone. If I ask for a shared meal, someone will complain because I had the nerve to ask them to bring something. If I ask for money contribution, someone will complain about that. If I decrease my guest list size, that will upset someone else.

When I give up and stop hosting all together, everyone will sit back and complain and wonder what happened to having the family get togethers for the holidays and why don't we do that any longer.

When the cost of the meal, including guests bringing a dish, is = to the cost of a weeks groceries for a family of 4, decisions have to be made. I have not, in the 15 years I have been hosting, asked for financial contribution. I am just looking at it from a different viewpoint, one that is, unfortunately, going to be more common if inflation continues to grow where I am.

When I give up and stop hosting all together, everyone will sit back and complain and wonder what happened to having the family get togethers for the holidays and why don't we do that any longer.

So if it's family - perhaps another member could do the hosting for a change instead of you? Why does it always have to be you?

People's circumstances change - maybe it's time for the complainers to do the dinner thing?

Mapleleaf

I think I just find their request to family to pay a set amount of money when said family voluntarily help them out with lots of things over the year, bizarre and a bit of a cheek, (especially charging their parents). If they really can’t afford it, then they shouldn’t offer in the first place, I feel.

I think that's the crux of the matter. They've turned it into a commercial exchange which is not really what hosting is about.

... and charging their own parents? Sheesh!

That's ridiculous. I'd be declining the invitation.

Imagine if Auntie Fanny promised to bring the sprouts and she didn't. You can't have Christmas without sprouts.

I know someone who would! We have to put them at the far end of the table from her ?

It's always the same niece who organises it, why should she have to put in all the hard work, and bear the cost for 30? Fair enough, I say. Just depends how it is done.

But that's not the same situation is it kali2? Your party of guests have all decided, as a collective, that the organisational costs and food costs are to be equally borne by those with the means to do so. Mapleleaf's situation isn't the same at all. She's been invited to attend a Christmas Day lunch, by a relative, and has then been informed that she will have to pay a set amount for the privilege. From the information provided in the OP this wasn't discussed as a viable option "as a group"; it's been more of a demand and therefore unacceptably rude. Tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine Mapleleaf!

theworriedwell

JulieNoted

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was invited to a baby shower - and charged £15 for the privilege . Given that the general idea of a baby shower is that the mother-to-be is 'showered' with gifts for the baby, I thought this was shockingly rude. The parents-to-be are both high earners, and wanted the baby shower to be held in a high class venue, but clearly didn't want to have to foot the bill themselves.

Oddly enough, the parents-to-be organised the whole thing themselves - I imagine they were worried that leaving it to a friend to arrange, as is usually the case, might have meant lowering their standards.

Can't have been that high class if £15 a head covered it.

We're only talking tea/coffee and cake here, not a meal or even a full buffet. Alcohol could be purchased separately.

I don't know

If I asked family if we all wanted to go out to a restaurant for Christmas dinner for a year, I'd put it to them in a way that made it clear we would all be contributing I think.

I think how it was asked matters.

I would personally not ask for money though and ask for food/drink contributions instead but maybe people would rather chip in and not do any shopping?

I think it’s a dreadful thing to do. If you can’t afford to feed that many then don’t do it . Or ask for help with the food ie bring this or that. I’ve only ever had close family for Xmas - once did a huge get together for a more extended family and my sister’s in law arranged to get wine etc delivered and my nieces brought posh crackers and chocolates - but I didn’t ask them to it was offered . If we stayed with family for an extended Xmas then we would do one of the shops and pay for it plus take some luxuries . In my experience guests bring more than they take -on every level. Don’t do it if you don’t want to! I’d say no and explain why to be honest

Mapleleaf

That’s fine, freedom, and I think I’m probably not putting things across very well, but as a family, we have always pitched in by bringing various things to the gatherings we have, but we’ve never charged a fee to each other, and it’s the charging a fee to attend that I find very bizarre, and I wonder where they’ve got the idea to do so from.

Presumably you paid for the things you contributed so I can't see why it is a big deal for them to prefer the money and then they can be organised.

Imagine if Auntie Fanny promised to bring the sprouts and she didn't. You can't have Christmas without sprouts.

Then Auntie Mary forgot she was supposed to do a trifle and Uncle John forgot he was bringing the brandy.

Before you know it it would be cheese and crackers and a cup of tea for Christmas lunch.

GillT57

Asking people to provide something specific such as wine or cheese or dessert is fair I think but asking for financial contributions is vulgar and crass to my mind

I organised a street party once for a big celebration. I found the trouble with people agreeing/offering to bring certain things can mean who are missing a vital ingredient e.g. we had big tubs of ice cream to make ice cream cones for the children, plus flakes and sprinkles and sauces. Unfortunately the one who was actually bringing the cones didn't. The children all had to be sent indoors to get bowls and spoons which wasn't quite the same. If I did it again I rather get the contributions, buy the stuff and know it was sorted.

Never heard anyone in my circle doing that thankfully in fact never heard of it at all
No I wouldn’t attend blooming cheek
Not for me

They appear to be the highest earners which would make it seem 10 times worse. I also would refuse to go but if people do go they should strip the table of food after the meal, after all, they have paid for it so have a right to take something home for their own meal the next day.

JulieNoted

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was invited to a baby shower - and charged £15 for the privilege . Given that the general idea of a baby shower is that the mother-to-be is 'showered' with gifts for the baby, I thought this was shockingly rude. The parents-to-be are both high earners, and wanted the baby shower to be held in a high class venue, but clearly didn't want to have to foot the bill themselves.

Oddly enough, the parents-to-be organised the whole thing themselves - I imagine they were worried that leaving it to a friend to arrange, as is usually the case, might have meant lowering their standards.

Can't have been that high class if £15 a head covered it.

Calendargirl

Mapleleaf

I’m quite interested in how ‘close’ these family members are to you. Are they cousins, nephews and nieces, in laws?
I assume from your post they are not siblings, but might be incorrect on that?

Same question. A niece here organises a big do at Chrismas for about 30 people- not just parents and children- but older aunts, uncles, friends who would be lonely otherwise. We provide the venue for free, and are with them if we are not in the UK. It was decided years ago that it was just too much for the same people to bear not only the organisation, but the cost as well. So it is all totted up and divided by number of participants (with discretion, if it is known some member or other can't contribute) - and everyone is happy.

It's always the same niece who organises it, why should she have to put in all the hard work, and bear the cost for 30? Fair enough, I say. Just depends how it is done.

I think it depends really. If they are asking for £5 or £50, if they are good cooks or not, if they are inviting 2 or 20.

If they have decided to invite lots of family who are elderly, would be alone or whatever and it is going to be a financial stretch for them then fair enough.

Too many variables really.

Mapleleaf Maybe, there are other's who will not be going who could spend Christmas together with you. Might set the cat among the pigeons but you can’t be dictated to and forced to be alone.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was invited to a baby shower - and charged £15 for the privilege . Given that the general idea of a baby shower is that the mother-to-be is 'showered' with gifts for the baby, I thought this was shockingly rude. The parents-to-be are both high earners, and wanted the baby shower to be held in a high class venue, but clearly didn't want to have to foot the bill themselves.

Oddly enough, the parents-to-be organised the whole thing themselves - I imagine they were worried that leaving it to a friend to arrange, as is usually the case, might have meant lowering their standards.

I think it’s cheeky and insensitive.

Freedom from the past? Probably not the best name for this thread eh? “NO freedom” springs to mind.

So you provide and can’t afford to but say you don’t mind? Which is it?
So what if everyone wonders where their thanksgiving dinner is? Let THEM provide it. ? not even sure I could go there. Just tell them you can’t afford it! Then disappear to a lakeside retreat and leave them to it ???

Mapleleaf

I’m quite interested in how ‘close’ these family members are to you. Are they cousins, nephews and nieces, in laws?
I assume from your post they are not siblings, but might be incorrect on that?

Oh for goodness sake, whatever next?!!
I would never dream of charging anyone who I had invited over for dinner!
Yes, it's nice if someone offers to bring dessert or some extra special wine etc but to actually charge guests..........NO! Not in my home!
Now, if the host were to ask for a cash donation to a charity ......that would be a different matter altogether.

That’s fine, freedom, and I think I’m probably not putting things across very well, but as a family, we have always pitched in by bringing various things to the gatherings we have, but we’ve never charged a fee to each other, and it’s the charging a fee to attend that I find very bizarre, and I wonder where they’ve got the idea to do so from.

Forty-five odd years ago we celebrated New Year with a quite a few friends. We were not rich and it was agreed from the start that we would all equally chip in but that wasn’t Christmas with family.

I have done, like most of gransnetters hold Christmas dinners or lunches with many round the table. Fourteen this year if daughter and boyfriend can hop over, but everyone will be bringing something alcohol, starters and dessert.
I would feel very hurt if they asked me to pay for my part at theirs and then to add salt in into the wound use the leftovers with their friends.
As I live in a flat, close family do clear the table so that they can sit in the armchairs, which have been put aside for the meal.