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Now, is it just me, and this is the way things are done nowadays so I’m behind the times? Had invitation for Christmas lunch at a family members home, along with other family members, but the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).
Now, whenever I’ve hosted Christmas lunch, or other events, I’ve never asked the ones I invite to pay for the privilege of eating with me. Some have offered to bring something along - perhaps a dessert, some cheese, a bottle of wine, etc, which was welcome and kind- but this was never an expectation on my part, and I certainly wouldn’t have it as a condition of them being able to come, my view being that I was offering an invitation to join us for lunch or tea, not expecting them to pay or bring something as a condition for coming to it.
I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year.
Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.
The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).
They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch, which I think is an incredible cheek (or is that just me?) - surely, if there were left overs, those invited for Christmas lunch should be having goody bags to take home left overs for which they have paid, not leaving it as a freebie for these friends and neighbours of the host.
Now, maybe I am being “bah, humbug”, but this charging doesn’t sit easily with me, although many family members have accepted the invitation with this charge (though not everyone).
So, am I being unreasonable to think this is not right, or am I completely old fashioned and behind the times? It’s just I thought such invitations to go to family for lunch were just that - invitations, with no provisos. Therefore, if you can’t afford to host a meal for extended family members, then you don’t offer to host one?
Beswitched
I also find it so hard to believe that anyone would charge their own parents for Christmas Dinner, when they can easily afford to feed them. I would be so hurt and greatly disappointed that I had raised such an ungenerous child.
... that's the bit that got me, too.
And I think it gives a little glimpse into the mind-set of the individuals hosting the dinner.
I also find it so hard to believe that anyone would charge their own parents for Christmas Dinner, when they can easily afford to feed them. I would be so hurt and greatly disappointed that I had raised such an ungenerous child.
I hold a family get together in the form of a bbq every July and I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone for money to help pay for the food I just love to see everyone enjoy themselves. Some will bring a bottle or two some will bring flowers but that’s about it. I’m fortunate enough to be able to afford this large gathering otherwise I couldn't hold it occasionally the bbq lasts well into a second day which gives family from far afield (Australia) time to socialise it’s great fun to see grandchildren mix in the garden playing football with each other leaving the adults to watch and guess who’s who. All I ask is that the weather is good on that special weekend. Unfortunately our gazebo blew away this year and that’ll be an extra cost for us but it’ll be well worth it.
Good luck all who think asking for money for a family meal is the correct thing to do you’ll soon lose friendships to my way of thinking
Well maybe start with the suggestion that you all club together to buy the food, and then offer your house as the venue.
Would you like to come to us for Christmas Dinner?
Oh yes thank you.
Great. Now you have to pay towards it and we've decided this amount
is rude.
M0nica
I think it is a waste of time us continuing this dialogue, theworriedwell
As i have said several times 'itnis not what you do but the way that you do it - and even if I was asking for financial contributions, I just wouldn't do it the way this couple are doing it.
So how would you do it differently? They invited OP to a Christmas meal and requested a contribution from everyone to cover costs. I'm not sure how else you could ask for a financial contribution other than asking for a financial contribution. Telepathy?
M0nica
I think it is a waste of time us continuing this dialogue, theworriedwell
As i have said several times 'itnis not what you do but the way that you do it - and even if I was asking for financial contributions, I just wouldn't do it the way this couple are doing it.
I think you are right M0nica
... there's even a song about it, "It Ain't What You Do But The Way That You Do It" 
.
It will never happen in my house. There is no way Id charge anyone for a meal in my house. What next? Charging for christenings, birthday parties, all celebrations? If someone wants to bring a dish or a drink fair enough, but I would never charge my guests. If ever I receive an invitation where I will be charged for my meal in someones home, it will be politely declined and I won't be back. They won't be round at mine eating for free either, yet charge their own guests at their house. No thanks. If you really can't afford it, don't invite people or discuss with them and ask them to bring a dish or bottle of something.
M0nica
I think it is a waste of time us continuing this dialogue, theworriedwell
As i have said several times 'itnis not what you do but the way that you do it - and even if I was asking for financial contributions, I just wouldn't do it the way this couple are doing it.
Exactly!
theworriedwell
I was assuming your cold picnic for 20 wasn't Christmas lunch unless you are in a hot country so again not really relevant to the UK.
Well lets say the host worked out the shopping bill, I've got mine on Sainsbury's now for delivery on the 23rd and know what it is going to cost. Then they divide it by how many are attending, lets say for arguments sake the shopping is £200 and ten people are attending then saying we are doing Christmas lunch, if you'd like to come your contribution to food and drink will be £20. What's wrong with that?
The OP says they have a high income but does she know what outgoings they have, their mortgage, car payments and all the other things they will pay. No doubt the people on low pensions have low outgoings as well.
Maybe no one else in the family can do it due to size of home or whatever and they are thinking let's invite the oldies and the lonelies, does that mean they have to pay for everything?
Where does it say it was a demand, where was the gun to the head, they were invited and told what their contribution would be. Not charge by the way but contribution that was requested not demanded. Presumably they aren't charging a vast amount as many of the attendees bring something along as well so they must think it is a good deal.
The OP is confusing anyway, this is all such a shock being asked for money but then we are told that the food they are paying for is used for a Boxing Day party. Well how does she know that unless this is normal for them and if it is normal why is it a surprise? She also knows about helping to prep and clear up, again this is clearly something that has happened before, not a one off but this young couple are expected to subsidise everyone for multiple years?
I tell you what the OP and other guests should just pig out and leave nothing, make sure they get their monies worth because God forbid that someone who has had you to their home, provided you with a nice day and company might have a bit of turkey or half a bottle of red left over.
If they host a buffet the following day on the leftovers it sounds like a lot more than a bit of turkey and some wine left in the bottle.
If someone contacted me and said "listen a few of us are chipping in to save the costs of Christmas Dinner and are going to have it at my house, would you like to join?" that would be fine. But I don't get the impression that has happened here.
And in that case the food belongs to everyone. If there are substantial leftovers they should be divided up.
I'm not talking about quibbling over a couple of slices of ham, or a few cocktail sausages.
But unopened booze, lots of Christmas pudding, half a turkey, unused cheeses etc should at least be offered around, not squirelled away for one family's use.
I think it is a waste of time us continuing this dialogue, theworriedwell
As i have said several times 'itnis not what you do but the way that you do it - and even if I was asking for financial contributions, I just wouldn't do it the way this couple are doing it.
I was assuming your cold picnic for 20 wasn't Christmas lunch unless you are in a hot country so again not really relevant to the UK.
Well lets say the host worked out the shopping bill, I've got mine on Sainsbury's now for delivery on the 23rd and know what it is going to cost. Then they divide it by how many are attending, lets say for arguments sake the shopping is £200 and ten people are attending then saying we are doing Christmas lunch, if you'd like to come your contribution to food and drink will be £20. What's wrong with that?
The OP says they have a high income but does she know what outgoings they have, their mortgage, car payments and all the other things they will pay. No doubt the people on low pensions have low outgoings as well.
Maybe no one else in the family can do it due to size of home or whatever and they are thinking let's invite the oldies and the lonelies, does that mean they have to pay for everything?
Where does it say it was a demand, where was the gun to the head, they were invited and told what their contribution would be. Not charge by the way but contribution that was requested not demanded. Presumably they aren't charging a vast amount as many of the attendees bring something along as well so they must think it is a good deal.
The OP is confusing anyway, this is all such a shock being asked for money but then we are told that the food they are paying for is used for a Boxing Day party. Well how does she know that unless this is normal for them and if it is normal why is it a surprise? She also knows about helping to prep and clear up, again this is clearly something that has happened before, not a one off but this young couple are expected to subsidise everyone for multiple years?
I tell you what the OP and other guests should just pig out and leave nothing, make sure they get their monies worth because God forbid that someone who has had you to their home, provided you with a nice day and company might have a bit of turkey or half a bottle of red left over.
Beswitched
I think there is a big difference between a family agreeing to share the cost of Christmas Dinner and having it at "Dave and Julie's house because they've got more space /are central to everyone/won't have to disrupt the children "
and
taking it on yourself to invite the extended family and the announcing "that will be 30 quid each please".
I agree.
I get the feeling they are buying in from M&S to cater for a set number and dividing the cost across attendees. I wonder if they will pay for themselves or consider they are hosting and doing the work so don't have to pay.
I agree with M0nica and Beswitched - there is a big difference between
discussing having a large family party with family members but would everybody chip in please to help cover the cost and
sending an invite to a family party along with a request for payment
No, for one meal I am talking about upto 20 people arriving on the day bringing cold food, no different to a picnic. The other, at Christmas has 7-9 people. More than most have for a Christmas meal.
This couple were not asking for a financial contribution, they were specifying a price. ' If you want to come to the family meal it will cost you £15 a head' or some such price.
The OP said^ the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).^
I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year. Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.
The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).
They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch.
The OP is not objecting to paying but the way it has been done, and lots of us have made that point, plus the fact that this seems to be a case of someone biting the hand that feeds it.
For some people paying may be a good way to go about things, but it should be after family discussions, not a demand, held like a gun to their head, with no warning
MOnica so you are talking about something different. Not people arriving on the day with a contribution cooked or uncooked, not a large number of people.
What the OP is talking about is nothing like hotel meal where the cost covers the food, staff costs, running costs for the hotel. The OP was specifically asked for a financial contribution to cover the cost of the food and drink so this is nothing like paying for a hotel meal.
M0nica
Theworriedwlell no, I haven't. I match my meal to my budget or I discuss it with family in advance as described in my last post.
It has been discussed with the OP in advance. It isn't Christmas yet, she's had an invite to a family gathering with everyone paying their share. She has the option to go or not go. Up to her.
Some of the people who are invited might be lonely, might not have seen family for sometime and they might be very happy to pay their share in order to have a pleasant day together.
You're only prepared to go if it's free, up to you, but don't deny other people the opportunity to get together because someone who is willing and able to host can't afford to pay for it all.
Sorry, Theworriedwell, I missed one of your questions.
Where the meal is one where all are contributing we have a cold buffet, so no worries about cooked food. People turn up with a contribution for lunch, usually made that morning and often brought in a cool bag. No different to a picnic.
As far as Christmas is concerned it has only ever been immediate family, and very occasionally a friend. They have all staying over with us for several days so contributions to the festive table are brought by people as if they had gone out to do their own food shopping but brought it to our house rather than their own, so it just gets incorporated into the fridge or freezer or garage as appropriate, until needed to prepare the meal. No half cooked and cooling food.
Lets face it there is not much to a Christmas meal. Poultry, stuffing, potatoes and sprouts, followed by a pudding made with a bag of mixed fruit and custard. OK that can be granded up, but in our early impecunious years that is what our Christmas lunch was and it was followed in the evening by a tea meal, sandwiches, mincepies and cake.
I have never spent money on snacks and nuts and fruit, nor do any of us drink much at Christmas. A Christmas meal can be as careful or as extravagent as you choose, and the guests we have do not look gift horses in the outh and neither do I
I suggested a hotel meal for the family who treated a family meals as if it was a hotel means.
what happened to the season of giving and Christmas spirit? I would not mind if they said if you want to contribute anything gratefully received but optional. nope I would not go
Theworriedwlell no, I haven't. I match my meal to my budget or I discuss it with family in advance as described in my last post.
Beswitced, precisely.
I think there is a big difference between a family agreeing to share the cost of Christmas Dinner and having it at "Dave and Julie's house because they've got more space /are central to everyone/won't have to disrupt the children "
and
taking it on yourself to invite the extended family and the announcing "that will be 30 quid each please".
If someone’s that worried about cost why do it? If I couldn’t afford to feed everyone I wouldn’t invite them.
M0nica
*Theworriedwell*. My wider family. 15 Ist cousins and spouses, have a gathering once a year and we have never had any problem sorting the catering out.
Whoever is hosting the event contacts people a month in advance and asks what they will bring and if there is too many desserts and not enough salads, asks people to change, Often people bring extras and I will ask them to take home the remains of any dish they brought.
We are a family, for heavens sake, a group of people drawn together by mutual affection and family ties, we do not go round calculating how much each dish cost its donor and whether everyone has paid exactly the same amount, nor do people go off in a huff if asked to bring a different dish.
This is what is so lacking in this charging to come basis, the feeling that this is a family who enjoy being together and having a mutually supportive relationship. Why not just book a hotel function room for the day. No cooking, and everyone paying the same, with no arguments about the leftovers.
So you've never spent £60 on a turkey and thought Auntie Annie got away lightly with bringing the sprouts?
How does it work on a practical basis, do you arrive with raw ingredients or does everyone have reheated food? Yuk.
I suspect a hotel would be far far more expensive, a decent hotel near me would be charging nearly £100 per head.
Theworriedwell. My wider family. 15 Ist cousins and spouses, have a gathering once a year and we have never had any problem sorting the catering out.
Whoever is hosting the event contacts people a month in advance and asks what they will bring and if there is too many desserts and not enough salads, asks people to change, Often people bring extras and I will ask them to take home the remains of any dish they brought.
We are a family, for heavens sake, a group of people drawn together by mutual affection and family ties, we do not go round calculating how much each dish cost its donor and whether everyone has paid exactly the same amount, nor do people go off in a huff if asked to bring a different dish.
This is what is so lacking in this charging to come basis, the feeling that this is a family who enjoy being together and having a mutually supportive relationship. Why not just book a hotel function room for the day. No cooking, and everyone paying the same, with no arguments about the leftovers.
AmberSpyglass
How would flowers help affray a cost of feeding multiple people?!
Well it doesn't but they get a free meal and can congratulate themselves that they contributed.
How would flowers help affray a cost of feeding multiple people?!
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