Aibu regarding OH

glammanana

Grandmadinosaur

I know only too well how sometimes partners can annoy us and probably vice versa. At the end of the day though be grateful you have a OH to moan about. There are many people on here who have lost theirs and would give anything to have more time with them faults and all.

How I wish my lovely man was here !! even though we never lived in each others pockets we had a very close relationship and I would do anything to be able to "moan" at him be grateful for what you have you never know what you have until it's too late.

Me too. Have been a widow now for over 7 years. What I wouldn't give to have him back.

Clio. Count your blessings, Be grateful you still have your husband.

Covid has put many of our lives "on hold" this last couple of years. I think many of us have become hermits. ?. One day it will be over and we can engage more fully with the outside world again. Until then just ride it out.

It does sound like you have lost your mojo a bit. Both as individuals and as a couple. Time to shake things up a bit and have some fun.

Take the trip, buy the shoes, eat the cake. Life is short, time is precious. Don't wast a single lovely drop of it. Don't be that person who wakes up one day and who realises that it's now too late to do the things they were going to do "one day".

My late husband died at 57, he didn't make it to retirement. We were both cheated off our golden years together.

Don't squander yours.

Age is a privilege denied to many. Too many, like my husband, don't even get to have a retirement.

Don't waste another day Moaning about your husband. If you are disappointed with the life you lead then change it.

Grandmadinosaur

I know only too well how sometimes partners can annoy us and probably vice versa. At the end of the day though be grateful you have a OH to moan about. There are many people on here who have lost theirs and would give anything to have more time with them faults and all.

How I wish my lovely man was here !! even though we never lived in each others pockets we had a very close relationship and I would do anything to be able to "moan" at him be grateful for what you have you never know what you have until it's too late.

I’m not sure I understand that last post Clio. Is it that he wants to get out of the house more than you do? Hasn’t got enough to amuse him so wants to go out for a coffee? Though you say you both have hobbies your lives seem very empty. Should you both have retired? Should you both look for some part time work or do some volunteering?

I have said we done separate things, we have separate hobbies.

I’m talking about the time when we are both not doing anything that he will say
“You want to do something”

I think the pandemic is limiting our social contact with others though, and making life difficult in this respect.

Regarding housework and maintenance I think this should be shared as evenly as possibly. If my partner left me to do most of it I wouldn't be there very long.

As for how you spend your free time, if you love him and want to stay with him, then you need to develop your life with friends and interests, because clearly your husband isn't going to provide enough, and you need more than you have at present. No partner can provide all your needs. My husband and I have separate interests, we wouldn't want to be together all the time.

You don't sound as if you actually like your OH very much.

Since we retired together DH has taken on responsibilities such as my morning tea hoovering shoe and boot cleaning brass polishing etc. Jobs that I admit I hated even contemplating doing. We have a lovely mix of friends and our own hobbies and space.
We have got the balance right now at first it was not easy. Which is good we worked together which could be stressful at times. We shop together very rarely I send DH to the booze aisle to fill up the trolley while I look at the weekly offers.

I really think you need to find some friends of your own. Have you thought about joining a choir, taking up bridge, getting involved in am dram, doing some work for your church, taking up voluntary work something that's about you and your interests.
What if, God forbid, something happened to your husband? You need friends and interests.

It depends what you think of each other. My husband was my best friend and there’s no one I would rather have been with, that’s not to say it was sweetness and light all the times, you have to have the odd spat, be very boring if you felt as one bout everything.

I know only too well how sometimes partners can annoy us and probably vice versa. At the end of the day though be grateful you have a OH to moan about. There are many people on here who have lost theirs and would give anything to have more time with them faults and all.

2 bags of work stuff in the living room for 10 years? Unbelievable! FGS move them somewhere else! What’s stopping you?
I don’t understand the point of going out for coffee. Surely you must both be able to find more interesting things to do than that!

We were married for 51 years and hardly ever did things together!
We both loved movies and concerts so a safe night out was a trip to the cinema or theatre and a meal.
We both loved entertaining so often had friends round for a meal .
Otherwise: I did, and still do now he has died, volunteering, sports, folk club and walking with my pals.
He was on various committees and campaigns and was often asked to give talks. He also had friends and was very caring of his friends.
We shared our DC and DGC and never tired of anything to do with them and we enjoyed planning holidays as well as tracing our family trees

I would never shop with him - never! Recipe for disaster.
It sounds as if you are trying too hard. If you want him to change now - don't bother is my advice.

Keep the cleaning to a minimum if you hate it and don't do it for "Him" . Do it because it needs doing.

I can’t believe those things have only just started men are often creatures of habit
Do what you fancy with who you fancy if you don’t have friends try making some Voluntary work perhaps one day a week would help enormously in that way Suggest he does too
You don’t have to be in each other’s pockets
What’s so wrong with you suggesting a different place to go to for coffee lunch or whatever
I have tried to find a hobby that we’re both interested in
why ? Why can’t you have different hobbies you don’t have to be joined at the hip Why can’t you go to Pilates swimming or whatever and leave him to potter around with his drill or watch YouTube he doesn’t have to do things that you like

Just get on with things you like and stop thinking he’s wrong you’re just both different with different wants and needs accept it and enjoy having a mate

What about joining the National Trust for outings next year? Have you considered joining any women's groups, you might make a few female friends. Do you use the local library? Choosing books together could be enjoyable, and you could go for a coffee afterwards.
I actually think your husband does a reasonable share of household chores.
You could perhaps ask him to help you with bed changing if you find that difficult on your own.

It would take me more than 2 hours to put up a shelf without a drill.

How odd, if MrOops left bags of work stuff in the sitting room I would just pick it up and put it in the garage, he would have been warned enough.
TBH He seems a normal chap to me and that you are upset at everything he does.

Thanks for the replies as everyone

Firstly we do have separate days
I go to whatever shops I want to on that day
I go to Pilates’s twice a week
Plus I’m happy to just potter around the house, when weather is good I get out into the garden
I can easily find things to do
I read, colour books & browse internet

I have no friends thou, which doesn’t bother me at this stage of my life

He
Tinkles with the cars, washes them
Plays tennis
Speedway(when season)
Motorbike
Motorbike meetings
Pedal bike

He too has no friends, just hobby friends

It’s him mainly that ask me to go out, I ask where to because mainly I know it’s for a coffee or lunch but mainly to the same place ! Unless I suggest different
He’s a very much same place same day person, quite routine lead.
Like we have to anyway before 2.30-3pm to come home as he hates traffic. It’s becoming a regular habit. He’s very very routine focused, which I have to bite my tongue to sometimes, as I can be myself but not to his level

I have tried to find a hobby that we’re both interested in, I’ve asked
Pilates
Yoga
Swimming (he can’t swim, but doesn’t stop him learning)
Bike ride ( I’m too slow)

He’s very very competitive even @ 67
So he’s got to be the best, try his hardest to beat someone
It’s not a hobby he does, he says
he’s passionate about it, so it’s all or nothing

I suppose I have to realise as mentioned
Men don’t see dust
Not interested in homely, nice things like I am ( he like to come home to a nice lovely house, but very reluctant to spend money buying decoration to up keep house)
Clean bedding- doesn’t enter their head

I need to rephrase things
Can you help me now with ……
May be a problem that sometimes, as he will say. I doing this, or I’m watching this

I’m still waiting for him to move 2 carrier bags fill off work stuff in front room
He retired 10 yrs ago !!!!
I asked 2 weeks ago, I’ll do it next week
Been and gone ! Yet he will sit there watch YouTube or fall a sleep when he could do that
He’s only just helped me put mirrors back up, constantly saying to me
Be careful, watch that, hold it
Doesn’t give me confidence, I’m the one that will fix things, even if I do it whilst he’s out. He just dithers about, he’s dad was exactly the same
I remember him asking him to put up a floating shelf for us because we didn’t have a drill. It took them over 2 hours, no lie
He will patch up something rather than buy a new one, same as his dad did

A life of continual nothingness with only one person for constant company would drive me nuts and it us clearly having that affect on you.

The simple way to improve your life and deal with the problem is for you to start to find some interests outside the home that do not involve your DH. Voluntary work. To begin with most charity shops are always looking for people, but you may have experience and skills that can be used elsewhere. Listening to children reading in a local school. Telephoning and chatting to disabled people stuck at home alone. lots of things.

It might get your DH thinking that way and he might develop other interests, then you would both have something to talk to each other about.

As for going around shops, always go on your own, or someone compatible. In my case DD - just and DGD. Never, ever with a boyfriend or spouse.

Anyway, you have had a good moan and a good moan doesone a power of good now and again. The next thing you need to do is make a plan to make your life more interesting and with more variety in it and away from your DH. Do that and the world is your oyster!

I think youre moaning unnecessarily why should he wander round shops with you, most men don’t enjoy that at all
Why can’t you do individual things you go shopping with girlfriends he can have a potter around on his own or play golf or something with his friends Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to do everything together Don’t you each have friends of your own if not time to find some
He’s doing some chores, sounds fine to me
Widen your lives sounds more boring than mine ?

I have almost given up trying to do things together, except on holiday and maybe once or twice a month. We each do our own thing in the day. You need to find some separate interests,

I agree with other posters. It sounds as if you need some friends and interests of your own rather than totally relying on your husband for outings.

The impression I got from the OP was that your lives revolve around going out together somewhere, anywhere, nothing in particular, coffee, lunch, wandering around the shops. It all seems so aimless. Do either of you have hobbies, separate interests, friends, even an interest in just enjoying your home (and garden if you have one)? If you want your husband to do other jobs round the house just tell him!

Has it always been like this, or is this a new thing since you both retired?

What happens if you say tomorrow I would like to to there and do that?

Have you and he agreed he should dust or do you just expect him to? If it is the last, he won't dust - men do not see dust, nor see the need to get rid of it, as it just comes back according to them.

In my experience when we women say, "Will you do the washing up, dusting, or whatever" we mean NOW.

Men hear "will you do it?" their timeframe is sometime or other. If you say "Why didn't you do the washing up", they say, "you didn't say it had to be done right away"

Even if you say the kitchen sink is blocked it does not convey to any man that you need help unblocking it at once.

So say, "Could you help me with this blocked drain immediately, please?"

.... a moaning git and should be grateful?

Love it. Will have to find the right time to spring that on my bride - like maybe over the phone where it will be harder for her to add to the lumps on my head.

I don't know your dynamics and hesitate to give an opinion. As Opps points out - every relationship is different. I will say though that some men like to have time to themselves in the mornings, or with other men to share stories and tell lies. Speaking for myself, home is where I relax and spend time with Mrs. O.S. I am much more likely to help if asked instead of told, when it comes to domestic chores. She is always going to see the need for doing things like cleaning way before I do. Way, way before.

I understand completely where you’re coming from. For some women it might be a constant conversation, a constant conflict in the mind to try to balance the uselessness of men in some quarters against their usefulness in others. Perhaps all they really want is a mother/housekeeper/bedmate? Sadly I can identify with your frustrations which is why I’ll never marry again albeit I have a sweet natured loving chap in my life.
I’m getting to an age now where I lack the inclination, energy or indeed the ability to look after a man-child so he & I as Oopsadaisy (above) suggests have had some conversations about the way forward for us. What drives me mad though is the regular query “what shall we DO tomorrow?” If we are on holiday it’s invariably “where shall we GO tomorrow?” He can read a map as well as I can but never suggests anything or anywhere.
I’m afraid it’s par for the course but maybe that’s why women statistically live longer! It’s our time to do as we please without the head harness of a partner to restrain or frustrate us?
I can identify with your angst & I think others may have got similar issues too but in time I think one just has to accept it for what it is. Either that or ship out.
Women are, after all, from Venus.
NB . I’ve used capitals only for emphasis, not for shouting.